Chapter 17 – Baby
Is this how it really ended?
I'd almost forgotten
Is this how I really lived it?
I am so ashamed now
You should never have been the one
At least you're up in Heaven
With a deep, heaving sigh, I watched the funeral. I'd never seen so many people at one in my life. It was like, even though lots of people hated him, there were still hundreds of people who'd always believed in him. It made me feel a little better, but not so much as to put me at ease.
Long after the group cleared, I wandered into the cemetery. I needed to visit the grave alone.
No one else would understand just how much it pained me to see those words on the headstone. The image of it still flashed before my mind, the kanji lettering burning behind my eyes:
'Aidou Kagayaki
1989 – 2012
Wonderful son, friend, and love.
This old world wasn't made for someone as beautiful as you.'
I shivered, slowly coming up to it. As I did, my tear-filled eyes saw someone had remained behind. When she saw me, she looked up from where she knelt beside the headstone, and I felt my heart stop and my throat close up. My body was trying to kill me, for the sight of this girl was too much.
She was just like I'd imagined her.
Long, red, wavy hair with natural body that was wonderfully maintained. Her wide blue eyes were reddened and full of tears. She was one of the most beautiful sights I'd ever seen, and for one reason.
This, was the girl Kagayaki had always been talking about. The one he couldn't stop smiling when he was thinking about. The American girl he'd fallen in love with when he'd gone to see Yukito.
Here she was, sitting at his grave.
I wished I'd never seen her in that moment. I wished I'd never met Kagayaki and I wished I had died instead of him.
Because, as she slowly rose, she leaned on the headstone for support, one hand on her stomach.
She was a few months pregnant, for her figure was slim and fit in every other part of her body. There was no doubt of it, though I wished there had been.
So, not only had I let my friend down, his friends, and his family, but... I had let someone take him out of this world when he had a baby on the way. I couldn't believe what an idiot I had been. I should have tried harder, I should never have walked away when he'd told me to. When the police had come, they should have found me with that gun. When those people had come to kill the one who'd killed their loved ones, they should have killed me. Not him.
The girl must have seen the look on my face, because she put a hand on my shoulder.
“Hey, you okay?” she asked.
Me? Okay? Absolutely not. But... she'd lost more than I had. Why was she asking me if I was okay.
Because, in many ways, her and Kagayaki were very similar. They would worry about other people, be strong for other people, and die for other people.
I shook my head, looking away. “Kagayaki used to talk about you a lot.” I told her, forcing myself to meet her eyes. “He described you in such a way, I almost didn't believe a girl could be so beautiful.” I saw a very sad but thankful smile on her face. “But now I see... not one detail was exaggerated.”
She looked down. “Thank you.” she whispered. “What's your name?”
Sighing, I looked over at the grave. “Clarence Morgan.”
That must have rung a bell for her, because her head snapped up and she took a step towards me that was almost a jump. “You... you're Morgan-san?” she asked, eyes wide with shock... and almost fear. She took hold of my hand in a way that reminded me too much of Kagayaki. I pulled my hand away.
“Yeah. Kagayaki told you we were friends?”
She took a step back, her eyes going over to where Kagayaki was laid to rest. “He... He told me what really happened, the night he was arrested.” She swallowed hard, and I glanced back at her with surprise. Of course he had. He wouldn't lie to her, and – no doubt – she had asked him about it. “I found him... I came to Japan a few months ago. He'd been running all over, but I managed to find him before anyone else had and...” She swallowed again. “He told me everything. That's when this happened.” One hand rested on her stomach again, and I saw a smile on her face I was sure echoed the beautiful smiles Kagayaki had ranted on about for hours. “I'm kind of glad it did. I just saw the doctor, and what he said... I'm so happy.”
I had to turn away at that. It would probably be an adorable little boy, which crazy hair like his father's, bright red like his mother's, and the angelic social style of both, with not a bit of a problem doing whatever he was told. From what I had formulated in my mind, they were the perfect couple, led together by God to create the perfect children that would bring the world to peace.
“Which gender is the baby?”
She laughed, and I looked over to see her eyes sparkling as she watched me softly. “It's a girl. Aren't I lucky? I don't know how I'm gonna do it, but it's a little tiny baby girl. The doctor's gonna keep an eye on her, to make sure nothing goes wrong, but... oh, I'm so blessed. I don't think I've ever felt so complete, as to know that there's gonna be a beautiful child in the world who will know that her father was the bravest man to ever live.”
I nodded. “You know that more than anyone else.” I said, then I sighed again. “Kagayaki talked about you a lot – and I mean it; a lot – but he never did tell me your name.” She looked a bit surprised, so I smiled slightly to reassure her it wasn't anything serious. “He said he couldn't pronounce it very well.”
She smiled, putting her other hand on the cold stone next to her. “Yeah, but I thought it was cute how he couldn't. He was always so self-conscious... We both were.” She met my eyes again. “My name's Cassie. Cassie Wright. And, look, I could totally hate you for what you did to him.”
I held my breath, not moving a muscle as I waited for her to finish.
“But I don't. I'm not because Kagayaki made promise I wouldn't. He didn't want any more hate in the world... especially not from me.” she sighed. “Just... promise me you won't hurt anyone else like that.”
Looking over at her, I felt incredibly humbled. She was obviously mad at me – she had ever right to be mad at me! - but I could only guess that Kagayaki's forgiving nature had rubbed off on her. Either that, or how he had 'made' her promise not to hate me had been very convincing and sweet.
I wouldn't have been surprised if the latter was more true than the former. That was just his way.
“Is there anything I can do to make all of this easier for you?” I said, my voice pleading and honest as I moved closer to her. She didn't look at me. Her eyes were locked on the name that inscribed the headstone we had both come to see. Cassie only shook her head.
“His parents are helping me with everything I can think of and more... They're letting me stay here in Japan with them, in their new house, and helping me set up stuff for the baby.” she said, her voice almost a whisper. “I'm not paying for anything, though I wish I was... I just can't tell my parents I need the money, with how I've been feeling and everything.” She shook her head again. “No, I don't need anymore help. And... I just don't know if I'd be able to take any help from you. I'm sorry.”
My gaze fell. “I completely understand.”
Cassie walked up to me again, her hand slowly sliding across the headstone as she came over. She put one hand on my shoulder, and the look in her eyes was something that reminded me distinctly of Kagayaki when he was about to forgive you, even though he was still very hurt. “I just need time. This is a lot to go through, you know? How about I just let you know when I'm ready to have you around. The girl will be older then. I... I don't want her to know what happened, so... that's why I can't have you around. That, and... my heart can't handle it.”
I nodded. “I understand.”
“Take care of yourself, alright?”
I looked up at her from underneath my blue felted fedora – the hat I had been wearing when I met Kagayaki; I had worn it today for that very reason – and smiled a very sad smile. “You have three people to worry about now; don't worry about me, I'll be fine.”
With that, Cassie walked away. I watched her until she met up with Kagayaki's mother. The two hugged very tightly, then disappeared from my sight. Tears cascaded down my cheeks as I turned back to the grave.
“I'm so sorry, Kagayaki-kun... I didn't know, I didn't know...” I whispered, falling to my knees in front of it. I buried my face in my hands. “This isn't fair.. God, this isn't fair!” I shook my head, shakily placing one hand on the stone. “I'll be better, from now on, I promise. You're the best thing to ever come into my life, and I won't let my old ways creep back in after you worked so hard to chase them out.” I promised. “I'll tell the world the truth. I will. And I'll take the blame I deserve. And I'll come out better for it, just like you'd want me to.”
I don't know how long I was there, but, after I was done crying, I rose slowly. Each breath was ragged, and my whole body quaked with each inhale and exhale.
As I made to walk away, there were only two more words I could find to say:
“I'm sorry.”
I could almost hear the reply. It was the most humbling and heart-breaking form of broken English I have – or will ever hear – in the recesses of my mind:
“
Been okay, yah! Tell Kurei-chan I loved her. God say, long time, waited. For me. Need be safe, happy. Be sorry no more, okay? Itterashai, Morgan-san! Been careful, yah!”
Kagayaki forgives me. God forgives me, if only for Kagayaki's sake.
The final step is only for me to forgive myself, because I think things happened that way for a reason. Now, people who would never have grown, have grown.
And a person who let revenge take over their life, doesn't get a happy ending, but will... someday.
Because there is someone waiting up there for me.
And I can't let him down again.
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Chapter 18 – Daddy-
Hi Daddy, how are you? I miss you. Mommy talks bout you lots an I really wish I could've met you.
I'm all big now. Yep, 6 years old, and Mommy says I look whole bunches like you already. I do! I see pictures of you sometimes, and we smile just the same! And it's good I look like you. I know that, cause Mommy's always sayin how you were the handsomest fella she ever knew.
That means I am too! 'Xcept... I'm a girl.
Obaasan says I got your laugh. Yep, she does. An she makes me call her that, 'obaasan', cause you were Japanese, an she thinks you would have told me to call her that, if you were here.
But I'm kinda happy she makes me speak Japanese, cause that makes me think of what you musta been like, and that makes me happy. Obaasan gets big tears in her eyes when I say stuff like 'arigato' and 'ohayo', and I think it's cause she thinks bout you, Daddy.
We just moved into our new house. Bet you can't guess where it is! Where your house usedta be! Yep! Mommy's daddy got it made for us, and Obaasan says it looks lots like it did before it burned down. She told me that my room is where yours usedta be. That makes me real happy.
Jiichan comes over lots, to help with 'taking care of me'. That means Obaasan and Mommy clean and put stuff away while Jiichan and I play games and run around and go to the park and stuff. He's the best grampa EVER! You were real happy he was your dad, weren'tcha?
Anyways, Mommy tells me lots bout God because you thought he was cool, and Obaasan tries to teach me Shinto, but I think that's too confusing. See, your God is just one! Well, kinda. Mommy says that there's actually THREE, but I think they're just the same person, and she's being silly.
Mommy says you're a pretty angel now, so could you come see me, Daddy? I miss you lots.
Kids make fun of me because I'm not smart like them, but they've got somethin to learn.
I've got an angel for a Daddy, and they DON'T.
Mommy's writin this for me, and she's super tired, so I've gotta go, but I'm gonna make her write to you again real soon, okay?
And, I'll be waiting for you to come. You better dress up real nice for Mommy, because she deserves it, and I bet she'll wear that really pretty dress for you when you come. But I won't do nothin fancy, because then you might not know who I am! Obaasan says I look real different in fancy clothes, and that she 'barely recognizes me'. I don't want you to think someone ELSE is your daughter! Then I might not ever get to see you! An that would make me real sad.
So, when you come down from Heaven to see me, Daddy, remember: I look lots like you. 'Xcept a girl.
Love you Daddy!
SETSUKO
