Post by Elda Forever on Apr 10, 2011 21:45:35 GMT -5
Preston Brailsford
“Start with your mother. I mean...I don't know her very well, but what is it exactly between you two?” Shelby stared down at him for a second, considering, then moved to sit at his side, and automatically his arm came around her shoulders to rest there comfortably. A little exhale escaped him at the gesture, while Shelby continued to collect her thoughts, starting timidly, like a child admitting it had done something wrong.
"Do you remember when you met her over the summer?" she asked, and he grunted in response. "Remember what she said about me not being pretty enough or whatever? Comments like that...all those little jabs...those didn't just appear out of nowhere when the drinking did.” She drew her knees in closer to herself protectively, making herself small. He'd suspected as much, but never said it aloud. "This is really awkward, but, um... She didn't want me. I mean, she barely wanted Cassie, but I was really...unexpected. And not in a good way. From what my dad tells me, my mom was so mad that she didn't want to have me at all. I mean, ending up with three kids when you only wanted one must suck, but..." She sighed again. "She didn't want me. And she's been reminding me of that my whole life. All those little comments about never measuring up, or being ugly, or being unwanted, those just got enhanced when she started drinking. All I've ever gotten from her is just a list of reasons why I'm not good enough, why I've been a disappointment to her since the very beginning. But...I dunno. It's not just that. It's all of it. Cheating on my dad, letting her boyfriend attack Cassie and not seeing it until it was too late, letting the drinking get so bad..."
It took him a long moment to let the sincerity of her words, the full-on belief in not being wanted, sink in for Preston. He'd gone through a lot of crap with his parents, especially lately, but he'd always known that they loved him, that they wanted the best for him, and that they believed in him. He couldn't imagine what it felt like, to hear that day in and day out. But of all the apologies and reassurance and questions, all he could think of to ask was, “Are you still angry at her? Your mom? Or Cassie, for...for leaving?"
Shelby looked up, her eyes widening in awe. He figured she was trying to find an answer for him, but then she shifted to look at his face better, studying his expression. "How do you do that?" she whispered.
Completely dumbfounded and thrown by the random comment, he sent her an arched eyebrow. “Huh? Do what?”
"How do you know me so well that you knew what I didn't want to say?" She closed her eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. Preston's shoulders laxed, and he looked at the floorboards beneath his shoes, unsure of what to tell her. "Yes, I'm angry at Cassie. It sounds horrible to say, right? How can I be angry at someone for living their life? It's just...Cassie and I used to be able to tell everything to each other. We were best friends. And I know--" she took another deep breath--"I know I can say anything to you, too. I know that.” At that, Preston gave a smile., reaching up to run his hand across her curly hair. ”It's just...it's like Cassie's got this new life that she doesn't want me to have any part of, you know? I've met her roommate exactly once, when I helped Cassie move in. I haven't met any of her friends at school, and Cassie hasn't made any effort to include me in what she does. But at the same time, she makes no effort to be a part of my world either. I mean, she visits, what, once every two weeks? She comes over, has dinner, plays with the baby and sees my dad, we watch a movie and she goes home. And then, after all that, she thinks she has the right to keep tabs on me and run the life that she's made it clear she wants no part of. I'm sure you saw what she said on formspring about us.
“Actually, um...no...” he admitted, letting out a nervous chuckle, “I'd kinda forgotten about formspring. What happened?”
"And even at home, I don't feel like I belong there. It's like I don't really belong anywhere. My dad's a basket case since the fire and Ilaria is worse, all she does is go shopping. I'm like a ghost there, or a glorified babysitter. And even the little girls are getting sick of me being there. Everyone is." The faintest of smiles crossed her face. "Except Chloe. Chloe still loves me."
After smiling a moment at memories of Chloe as well, he added hesitatingly, “You know..I understand how it feels like she's abandoning you and all, and...well, to be honest, I think that's exactly it. Cassie's an adult now, and you know, as much as I know she still loves you, she has to find her own feet, right? I mean, we'll be doing the same thing, too. You won't always be living at home, and you won't always be there to look out for your little sisters, either, right? Eventually, you will grow up, and you can't study filming and go to parties or take care of bills and always come home to put Chloe to sleep, even though you'll want to. And from what I hear, Cassie's used to being the mother for you guys, so you're kind of used to having her there, so it must be really weird for her to not be... And..I dunno..it's not easy, and it certainly isn't fun, but I guess that's just what happens when you grow up. Things change. I get why you'd be angry with her, but just the fact that she's 'keeping tabs' on you and your life, I think, could be a sign that she still cares and wants to be there for you, at least to look out for you. Even if she knows she needs time and space right now, to be an adult.” He scratched at the back of his head, uncertain, “Does that make sense?”
She looked at him again, one hand reaching out to take the one he had resting on his bent knee. "What you said earlier...you think I'm this privileged girl who's just had everything handed to her her whole life. And you're right. But that doesn't mean anything, because deep down I'm still just the little girl that nobody wanted, that nobody thought was good enough. Except you." He didn't know if she caught the look of surprise on his face, but he knew that he could see – as well as hear – the tears beginning to stream down her face as she started to cry. He felt a huge mixed box of emotions, feeling guilty for saying what he had earlier about her being privileged, and glad that she was letting herself cry, and sad that she'd had to in the first place, and mad at her for not speaking up earlier, to someone, even if it wasn't him.
“Shel....I-” But she cut him off, going into a heart-felt ramble that broke his heart in two and made him want to join her in the crying thing.
"You came in and tried to convince me that everything I'd grown up being told was a lie, that I was beautiful and talented and special and that's why I couldn't care less about the money thing, because you said I was beautiful and you believed in me and you were there when no one else was and I know that this isn't what we're supposed to be talking about right now, we're supposed to be talking about my mother but I don't care because you were the first person in my entire life who's made me believe that I'm worth it. You made me believe in myself and you made me fall in love with you and--"
There was a pause, and Preston didn't really realize what she had said, just staring at her blankly. "I love you," she whispered, her voice almost sounding disbelieving to her own ears. "Never in a million years thought I'd be the one to say it first, huh? Oh my God. I love you. I love you and it's okay if you're not ready to say it back, because...because it doesn't matter." Preston was speechless, as she brought her hand to her cheek, seeing the tears there before falling into laughter. He'd found his own eyes were getting misty, as well. Too much practice making myself cry for acting out sad scenes...you nut-job. She just told me she loved me. What do I say? What do I do?
"Look at me. Look at me. I'm crying. I'm crying for the first time in two years and I love you, Preston. I love you."
“Aw, Shel...” he murmured, pulling her into a hug. But what could he say? He had no clue. It didn't seem like something you could say 'thank you' to and not earn serious negative points for, but he wasn't ready to tell her something that big yet. There was a lot of weight in those words, and he'd always felt that. Some people thought their first kiss should be for a true love – working in theatre, Preston had soon lost that option, and he'd always found it silly, anyways. To him, saying 'I love you' meant you wanted to be together forever, that you wanted it to last. That you were promising you'd still care about them, deeply, in decades to come. But he wasn't sure if he was ready to tell Shelby that. Not yet. What do I say? She just told me that. This is huge, but...I can't..I can't say that to her until I'm sure I mean it, and for good. He kissed her head. “You are all those things, and you always have been. And you don't even need me to tell you that.” He smiled, leaning back and wiping away some of those tears off her cheek, chuckling at her when he had to wipe away his own tears,“See? Crying ain't so bad. You've got me doing it, too. Told you I was a weeping machine...”
He took in a slow inhale and let it out, calming himself. “Look, I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I shouldn't have said it. You don't deserve that, and we both know it.” He smiled down at her. “But I'm glad you told me. You're a huge deal to me, Shelby...you oughta know that...” Preston leaned down and planted a kiss on her lips, in part apologizing for not being ready. He knew he would disappoint her with that.
“Start with your mother. I mean...I don't know her very well, but what is it exactly between you two?” Shelby stared down at him for a second, considering, then moved to sit at his side, and automatically his arm came around her shoulders to rest there comfortably. A little exhale escaped him at the gesture, while Shelby continued to collect her thoughts, starting timidly, like a child admitting it had done something wrong.
"Do you remember when you met her over the summer?" she asked, and he grunted in response. "Remember what she said about me not being pretty enough or whatever? Comments like that...all those little jabs...those didn't just appear out of nowhere when the drinking did.” She drew her knees in closer to herself protectively, making herself small. He'd suspected as much, but never said it aloud. "This is really awkward, but, um... She didn't want me. I mean, she barely wanted Cassie, but I was really...unexpected. And not in a good way. From what my dad tells me, my mom was so mad that she didn't want to have me at all. I mean, ending up with three kids when you only wanted one must suck, but..." She sighed again. "She didn't want me. And she's been reminding me of that my whole life. All those little comments about never measuring up, or being ugly, or being unwanted, those just got enhanced when she started drinking. All I've ever gotten from her is just a list of reasons why I'm not good enough, why I've been a disappointment to her since the very beginning. But...I dunno. It's not just that. It's all of it. Cheating on my dad, letting her boyfriend attack Cassie and not seeing it until it was too late, letting the drinking get so bad..."
It took him a long moment to let the sincerity of her words, the full-on belief in not being wanted, sink in for Preston. He'd gone through a lot of crap with his parents, especially lately, but he'd always known that they loved him, that they wanted the best for him, and that they believed in him. He couldn't imagine what it felt like, to hear that day in and day out. But of all the apologies and reassurance and questions, all he could think of to ask was, “Are you still angry at her? Your mom? Or Cassie, for...for leaving?"
Shelby looked up, her eyes widening in awe. He figured she was trying to find an answer for him, but then she shifted to look at his face better, studying his expression. "How do you do that?" she whispered.
Completely dumbfounded and thrown by the random comment, he sent her an arched eyebrow. “Huh? Do what?”
"How do you know me so well that you knew what I didn't want to say?" She closed her eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. Preston's shoulders laxed, and he looked at the floorboards beneath his shoes, unsure of what to tell her. "Yes, I'm angry at Cassie. It sounds horrible to say, right? How can I be angry at someone for living their life? It's just...Cassie and I used to be able to tell everything to each other. We were best friends. And I know--" she took another deep breath--"I know I can say anything to you, too. I know that.” At that, Preston gave a smile., reaching up to run his hand across her curly hair. ”It's just...it's like Cassie's got this new life that she doesn't want me to have any part of, you know? I've met her roommate exactly once, when I helped Cassie move in. I haven't met any of her friends at school, and Cassie hasn't made any effort to include me in what she does. But at the same time, she makes no effort to be a part of my world either. I mean, she visits, what, once every two weeks? She comes over, has dinner, plays with the baby and sees my dad, we watch a movie and she goes home. And then, after all that, she thinks she has the right to keep tabs on me and run the life that she's made it clear she wants no part of. I'm sure you saw what she said on formspring about us.
“Actually, um...no...” he admitted, letting out a nervous chuckle, “I'd kinda forgotten about formspring. What happened?”
"And even at home, I don't feel like I belong there. It's like I don't really belong anywhere. My dad's a basket case since the fire and Ilaria is worse, all she does is go shopping. I'm like a ghost there, or a glorified babysitter. And even the little girls are getting sick of me being there. Everyone is." The faintest of smiles crossed her face. "Except Chloe. Chloe still loves me."
After smiling a moment at memories of Chloe as well, he added hesitatingly, “You know..I understand how it feels like she's abandoning you and all, and...well, to be honest, I think that's exactly it. Cassie's an adult now, and you know, as much as I know she still loves you, she has to find her own feet, right? I mean, we'll be doing the same thing, too. You won't always be living at home, and you won't always be there to look out for your little sisters, either, right? Eventually, you will grow up, and you can't study filming and go to parties or take care of bills and always come home to put Chloe to sleep, even though you'll want to. And from what I hear, Cassie's used to being the mother for you guys, so you're kind of used to having her there, so it must be really weird for her to not be... And..I dunno..it's not easy, and it certainly isn't fun, but I guess that's just what happens when you grow up. Things change. I get why you'd be angry with her, but just the fact that she's 'keeping tabs' on you and your life, I think, could be a sign that she still cares and wants to be there for you, at least to look out for you. Even if she knows she needs time and space right now, to be an adult.” He scratched at the back of his head, uncertain, “Does that make sense?”
She looked at him again, one hand reaching out to take the one he had resting on his bent knee. "What you said earlier...you think I'm this privileged girl who's just had everything handed to her her whole life. And you're right. But that doesn't mean anything, because deep down I'm still just the little girl that nobody wanted, that nobody thought was good enough. Except you." He didn't know if she caught the look of surprise on his face, but he knew that he could see – as well as hear – the tears beginning to stream down her face as she started to cry. He felt a huge mixed box of emotions, feeling guilty for saying what he had earlier about her being privileged, and glad that she was letting herself cry, and sad that she'd had to in the first place, and mad at her for not speaking up earlier, to someone, even if it wasn't him.
“Shel....I-” But she cut him off, going into a heart-felt ramble that broke his heart in two and made him want to join her in the crying thing.
"You came in and tried to convince me that everything I'd grown up being told was a lie, that I was beautiful and talented and special and that's why I couldn't care less about the money thing, because you said I was beautiful and you believed in me and you were there when no one else was and I know that this isn't what we're supposed to be talking about right now, we're supposed to be talking about my mother but I don't care because you were the first person in my entire life who's made me believe that I'm worth it. You made me believe in myself and you made me fall in love with you and--"
There was a pause, and Preston didn't really realize what she had said, just staring at her blankly. "I love you," she whispered, her voice almost sounding disbelieving to her own ears. "Never in a million years thought I'd be the one to say it first, huh? Oh my God. I love you. I love you and it's okay if you're not ready to say it back, because...because it doesn't matter." Preston was speechless, as she brought her hand to her cheek, seeing the tears there before falling into laughter. He'd found his own eyes were getting misty, as well. Too much practice making myself cry for acting out sad scenes...you nut-job. She just told me she loved me. What do I say? What do I do?
"Look at me. Look at me. I'm crying. I'm crying for the first time in two years and I love you, Preston. I love you."
“Aw, Shel...” he murmured, pulling her into a hug. But what could he say? He had no clue. It didn't seem like something you could say 'thank you' to and not earn serious negative points for, but he wasn't ready to tell her something that big yet. There was a lot of weight in those words, and he'd always felt that. Some people thought their first kiss should be for a true love – working in theatre, Preston had soon lost that option, and he'd always found it silly, anyways. To him, saying 'I love you' meant you wanted to be together forever, that you wanted it to last. That you were promising you'd still care about them, deeply, in decades to come. But he wasn't sure if he was ready to tell Shelby that. Not yet. What do I say? She just told me that. This is huge, but...I can't..I can't say that to her until I'm sure I mean it, and for good. He kissed her head. “You are all those things, and you always have been. And you don't even need me to tell you that.” He smiled, leaning back and wiping away some of those tears off her cheek, chuckling at her when he had to wipe away his own tears,“See? Crying ain't so bad. You've got me doing it, too. Told you I was a weeping machine...”
He took in a slow inhale and let it out, calming himself. “Look, I'm sorry for what I said earlier. I shouldn't have said it. You don't deserve that, and we both know it.” He smiled down at her. “But I'm glad you told me. You're a huge deal to me, Shelby...you oughta know that...” Preston leaned down and planted a kiss on her lips, in part apologizing for not being ready. He knew he would disappoint her with that.
