I'm Sorry - A Completed Novel featuring Kagayaki

[More than Music]

^{This is the updated version. I've gone through and tried to fix all the bugs, and though I might have missed some, I think it's much better now. :3}

Introduction

That which is beautiful
it will fall away
That which is wonderful
it will fade away

The Devil roams this earth
that which is fair is unheard
The Devil watches this earth
that which is love is ignored

The only reason I find myself writing this instead of keeping it to myself is because I think he would have wanted the world to know the truth. Not for him to get any glory, no, that wasn't his way. But just so everyone would know that he'd loved them, because they seemed to have forgotten that.

So I took it upon myself to tell them.

Kagayaki Aidou was a beautiful, wonderful, caring person. He just wanted to help, to make people happy.

I know that better now more than any other time in my life.

Kagayaki Aidou did not kill those people, like everyone was told. I did, and I watched as the world turned against him for my wrong-doings. Call me a coward, call me heartless, call me anything you want. I deserve it.

But, please, read on. This is more important than me.

Kagayaki Aidou did not commit suicide. He did try at one point, but such a thought was far from his mind when he died. They killed him just after he decided he wanted to live again.

He didn't deserve to die. But you might not believe that easily, because you never heard him when he whispered to God that he was scared but innocent. Only I did.

The image of his face as his eyes glazed over... those eyes that had always shown with honesty and joy before. That face which always smiled for someone else's sake, even as the gun was put against his head. Yes, he smiled, and not because he was happy, nor because he wanted to die.

He smiled because he wanted them to know that he didn't hate them even if they killed him.

Can you believe that?

I know it is true because I was there, even if I didn't pull the trigger. No, but I did let it happen.

One of my only comforting thoughts now is knowing that he least died quickly. If they gave him no other mercy, his murderers made it fast. I remember him telling me once that was how he wanted it to end.

But it makes me sick that anyone could kill someone who would forgive them in the act.

I can't sleep at night, or any other time, anymore, knowing that so few others truly understand how innocent he was. And that's why it has to be known now, before it's forgotten and it's too late to redeem his name.

Kagayaki Aidou was a hero, not a villain. He never hurt anyone. I did.

I remember him pleading with me, trying to pull my arm astray. I remember the sun piercing through the glass as he looked up at me, crying. I remember him trying to save them, even as the life slowly leaked from them to the floor. I remember him taking the gun from me as the police arrived, tears streaking down his face as he held the weapon in his shaking hands. Those hands that never did anyone any wrong. He faked having killed them for my sake, telling me to run.

“I can't let them take you and hurt you. I just can't. Don't tell anyone it was you, okay? Don't tell. I'll be alright, I promise. Just, get out of here. Please.” I remember him saying these words to me as I looked away.

What I did next I can never forgive myself for: I listened. I ran, but I won't say I never glanced back. I did look back. Many times. Each time he just shook his head, urging me to run while I still had a chance.

But that's only the beginning of my shame, my crime, my confessions that will run through out this story.

As I write, this very moment, Kagayaki's screams echo outside my window with the howling wind. Whenever I look around me, in the nervous way that every criminal not yet apprehended does, I see him.

Walking towards me smiling. Falling from that fatal bullet. Running away with fear. Peacefully sleeping on my bed, just across the room, trusting that I can keep him safe.

But I couldn't.

My crimes only just began with killing those people. Even as I tell you this, they go on.

Somewhere along the way towards perfection, those of us doomed to fail find someone who deserves our prize more. Kagayaki was mine. And, although I knew it, from the moment he grabbed my hand and begged me to turn back before I hurt anyone, I ignored it.

But that doesn't mean I forgot it. It was impossible to forget; everything he did made it show more.

As I attempt to recreate his brilliant shining way the best I can, I know in my heart he never hated me. Even though I let him suffer, and I let him die. And, somehow I know, he still doesn't hate me.

In the most innocent way – for that is precisely his way – he loved me, but I never could return that sort of love. For the most part, it was because I never stopped to try and understand it. I thought that loving another man was only something for family members – like brothers or a father and son sort of love – or homosexuals. I was too proud to see its true nature.

But now I understand it, now that it's too late to tell him.

I understand now that its nature was much like Jesus' love for Judas Iscariot: He saw hope and love and wonderful things that even Judas couldn't see behind the anger and the greed. That rendered Him able believe in Judas in a way that no one else could manage or take away. Not even when Judas delivered Him to death.

Kagayaki Aidou loved me like that, and I would give anything if I could have seen it then. No, he was not Jesus. Just a hero of God's own heart, I think.

I'll never be able to show him how much he matters to me, how much he has changed me forever. My only hope for the rest of my life is this, this story about him. He deserves to be loved, even as he looks down on us from Heaven, still smiling far more than anyone else I have ever known.

Yes, I am sure he is up there, next to the very love that protected him when I was too much of a coward. I know that, even though I knew God much longer than him, he knew much more about Him. It was a much deeper connection from the very beginning. Kagayaki was made to love God, and spread God's love.

This is my final chance to have him look at me, joyful and beautiful, dressed in white.

Yes, he will know I wrote it, and even if no one else will believe me, and the image of him up there will help me turn my life around and redeem myself once more as a Christian.

One of the things he told in his last few days was: “God loves you, just as much as He loves me or the people who wrote His book. And that's why you shouldn't be afraid to die.” Of course, he was afraid of dying himself, mostly because he was afraid of a slow and painful death, and dying alone. I knew that.

Being alone was his greatest fear, I think. He loved people, loved to make them smile even at his own expense.

He was no genius. He was a very simple-minded person with very few requirements for happiness. He loved his mother, that girl he used to talk about all the time, his friends, and just about everyone he met. He loved this world much more than anyone in it will ever truly understand, and far more than it ever loved him.

I know I am not the only one that misses him, and wishes that all the wrong done to him could be erased.

That girl, I'm sure, can be counted in that number. He never said her name, telling me he had a hard time pronouncing it – either because of his speech impairment or his lack of proper English; he was a dyslexic Japanese boy who tried his best – but he did call her 'Beautiful-chan'. He often described her in great detail, making sure to note her long wavy red hair, her bright blue eyes, and those 'cute cheeks as covered in freckles as the sky is covered in tiny stars at night'. He was right to refer to her as 'beautiful'. He told me she had the most wonderful laugh, an even more stunning smile, and that the sound of her voice was something that, unless you knew her, you could never really understand the beauty of.

Miss, if you happen to be reading this, you – of all people – probably should know that he was completely innocent of all charges and wrongs. And, you should know, that he truly loved you, even if you were half a world away from him and the time difference of fourteen hours made it nearly impossible for him to call you.

I know for sure, that if he'd had more time on this earth, he would have married you. He would have loved you like no one has ever loved you before, and he would never have broken your heart. I have no doubts.

But you knew that. You knew all of this, didn't you?

I know it won't help your heart heal any faster or dry the tears I know you have cried, I want you to know that I am sorry. I really am sorry.

One of his friends in particular he spoke of to me. In fact, this young man's name came out of Kagayaki's mouth almost as much as his mother and Beautiful-chan. This was the person he most admired: his hero, his best friend, his little brother than acted far older than him but he still felt responsible for.

He has told me of your temper, even though it was in jest more often than not.

It is not for my benefit alone that I hope we never meet. Kagayaki wouldn't want you to be a killer, not like me.

But that is not all I wish to say to you. Something he always meant to tell you, but we both knew you were too proud to listen to it until now. Losing someone so close to you is a humbling experience I know too well, making this the perfect time; before all proof of it disappears.

He loved you, in much of the same manner as he loved me: for and despite all faults. I know this because he tried to it explain his love for you once. He found himself too embarrassed and confused to finish, but – as with many other things – I understand it now and must share it with you before my time too has passed.

It was the world and its crushing ways, and your habit of not speaking your mind that held him back. But I think he knew you never meant ill of it; he accepted it and loved it, as I've said.

It is also my duty to tell you something he asked me to tell you, at a time I will not describe for you just yet. He hopes you find God too, very much. I shall only say it was one of his last wishes, and leave it as that for now. The very words he told me were: “Then he'll understand my love for him, I think.”

Now, I wasn't born Japanese like you and Kagayaki, but I had a feeling that when he said the Japanese word for 'love' there, that he meant it with all his heart. Because Japanese – especially young men – usually never speak that word in their entire lifetimes. I also had a feeling this wasn't the first time he'd said it.

But you knew that, didn't you? You knew him longer than I ever did.

He was so incredibly honest sometimes, which is something I miss about him almost as much as his goal to remove all unnecessary pain and suffering in the world.

But he'll never know if it was possible or not, and it's all my fault.

I'm sorry.

[More than Music]

Chapter 1 – Beginning

Redemption
is far from me now
Intervention
has doomed my soul

I didn't know
that I could be saved

Will it ever let me rest
this deep pounding in my chest?
Will it ever let me breathe
this sharp slicing in my chest?

I should probably start from the beginning now. But where's the beginning? When I first met him, or when all the trouble started? I think it would be easiest to describe his manner from before, just to brush over it, because that will make the sadness easier to bear.

Alright. I remember it fairly well, but any errors in facts of exact words are not my concern. If you know for a fact he said anything different, or something else, then you'll know it better. But I don't care. It's showing you Kagayaki's way that I really care about.

Because everyone who turned the cold shoulder on him after what happened needs to remember this.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I looked up from where I was sitting on the bench to see people walking all around me. I had come to Tokyo, Japan, looking for someone. But who I would find was entirely something else. Tilting my hat – which I remember was a bright blue fedora, with a leather strap around middle – so the sun was out of my eyes, I leaned back and stared at all the commotion that came with a big city. It was comforting to me. I love the feeling of being the metaphorical calm in the middle of a storm.

And that day, as odd as it sounds, the middle of the tempest saw a rainbow for the first time.

For he is like a rainbow in many ways. A sparkle of color and light, like the sky is smiling down at everything, reminding you that everything will be alright. That's the way that God intended it to be, right? The covenant? Well, that's how I remember it, and that's how I described it to Kagayaki later.

When I laid eyes on him, I knew there had to be something very different about this person. There were plenty of Japanese people walking around with optimistic or animated attitudes – that's the effect of anime and manga in this small country. But he was entirely different from what I had seen before.

First of all, he was wearing something that no other adult in their right mind would dare to: a bright yellow jacket over a musty pink shirt, and blue jeans. He looked like a teenager from the drama club, ready to walk up for an interview to join a company on Broadway. But that wasn't what he had in mind. He was just walking around Tokyo, excitedly eying the city, a lady slowly walking behind him. His hair grew wild, but they must have worked pretty hard on it that morning, because it didn't look that bad or strange, despite the fact that it was dyed a bright red. His face shown with a huge smile that didn't seem quite right to me – you had to get used to it; once you did, it made your day, believe me – so I just looked at him strangely as he bounced beside her.

He looked insanely ecstatic, running around her in circles and yelling about random things, skipping every few steps and laughing wildly. “Waaaaaaaaaaaaiiii!” he cried, making another turn about her. I could see the quiet laughter in her eyes – she was much calmer than her companion. 'Wai!' is basically a Japanese form of 'whee!' that you normally only hear in small children. Right off I knew something was strange about this guy, but I had no idea how much he'd grow on me. They stopped not too far off, and he looked into a store window. “Oh! Momma, Momma!” That was, of course, the moment I realized that she was his mother. I felt kind of stupid for not seeing the resemblance, but, then again, she could have just as easily been his older sister, right? He jumped up and down with the very same expression that I'd seen on little boys when they saw a toy monster truck in a store window back home in America. I raised an eyebrow at this strange behavior, and the fact that it was very rare for a Japanese to refer to their mother so informally. It was strange for what seemed to be a grown man calling his mother 'Momma'. It just didn't seem quite right.

Of course, it was just more proof this guy was certainly not ordinary.

She smiled and nodded. “Yes, Kaki-kun. I see it.” she told him calmly, the Japanese words slipping out of her mouth with a speed and dexterity that had always interested me about the people here. Of course, any American knows how it is to see someone else speaking their native language, sounding much more eloquent than we ever do. That's just the way it goes when you're a mix of everything; you're not enough of something cool. “Would you like to get it?” Her eyes sparkled with a look that made me feel even dumber for not realizing she was his mother; mothers have this look they give kids when they know they have the upper hand. The young man nodded excitedly, still jumping up and down.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah!”

“Well, it'll have to wait until we finish the rest of our shopping.”

I saw his jaw drop, and I began to seriously wonder if this was an eight-year-old trapped in an adult's body. The truth was, it was, and the irony of me considering him to be that particular age wouldn't kick in until I got to know him better. “But, Momma...” he pouted, leaning his head on her shoulder. “By the time you get done clothes shopping, I'll forget!”

She laughed a calm, quiet laugh. A knowing laugh. “Then you didn't really want it.”

I decided she must have been a really good mother. Maybe that was why he was still sticking around.

That's the drawback of being awesome, I guess.

He stood up straight and shook his head. “No, no! Tanaka-san and I have been wanting this forever! Please?” he pressed, taking her hand and bouncing a bit more. “Pleasepleaseplease?”

“Later.” she told him, and I knew then that the conversation was over.

Sighing, he gave up. And that's when he looked over at me. I didn't know then about the dangers of his habit to talk to every interesting person he saw that didn't run away. Yeah, it was scary sometimes, but that was only if you didn't know he meant absolutely no harm. “Oh!” he exclaimed, walking towards me slowly. I looked away, hoping that if we didn't make eye-contact that he would just get distracted by something shiny and go away. I didn't feel like meeting anyone today. I was here to observe.

But it wasn't going to be that easy to get rid of him. He wasn't your typical person, as I've said before.

“Hado!” he said, speaking in English now. I looked up automatically, interested by someone speaking my native language. He was smiling big, and I didn't really like it. But, in a way, I did, because it was incredibly contagious. Even I began to smile a bit. “You from... America, yah?”

I nodded slowly, noticing the incredible clash of, not only our postures and appearance, but of our faces. He was so optimistic, so unavoidably happy. I was calm and quiet, choosing to stay silent and watch much more than I ever spoke.

He laughed openly, making a small jump into the air. He then composed himself – as much as was possible for him when he was excited – and bowed deeply. “Aidou Kagayaki.” he said, eyes shining.

Finally resigning my fate as having to talk to this person, I got up and extended a hand to him. “Morgan Clarence.” I said, remembering to put my family's name first after years of having it drilled into my head by the Japanese culture instructor at my college. A very thorough man, and it had done me good.

Kagayaki – I know I should have spoke to him and thought of him by his family name, but it was so hard to switch after thinking of people by their given name for my entire lifetime before that – looked at me with a slightly faltering smile. “Mor...Morgan... Cl-l-lar-r-rence?” he stammered, obviously unsure of how to pronounce it correctly. I later realized it was a speech disability, but I didn't know that then. Then, I just thought he had trouble with names that weren't Japanese. He laughed after a moment. “Hajimemashite! Nice meeted you!” He took my hand and shook it energetically.

At that, I had to smirk. He had managed to slip back into his native tongue, then translate it for me - when I didn't need it – using a word that didn't exist. 'Meeted'? What kind of an error in translation was that? I thought it was amusing, mostly because I remembered making similar mistakes when I was still new at learning his language. “Nice to meet you too.” I said, my voice sounding very deep compared to Kagayaki's high-pitched exclamations. I looked over at his mother, tipping my hat slightly. She smiled.

Yes, this would certainly change my life. Somehow I knew. But I didn't really know how much until later.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

A very different scene comes to mind now, one that is – perhaps – more important. No, by far it is.

Kagayaki's eyes shined up at me, begging me with all their power, both of his hands holding my arm. Looking down at him with a frown, I must have looked unmoved. I was. I was very moved. He had no idea how much of an influence on me he had.

But I couldn't let him get in my way now. I had come all this way to do this. I couldn't give it up.

“Please...” he whispered, the Japanese slowly spiraling up to my ears with its pleading sound. “Please, don't do this. I don't want you to hurt these people.”

I clenched my teeth together in that way I'm sure he knew by now. It meant I was upset, and didn't want to move on what I had decided. Usually, he could still pull me back from this point. But not this time. No, as much as I wanted to put down that gun and walk away with him that day... I didn't. I couldn't. After all this time, I'd found them and was going to kill them. “They won't feel a thing.” I told him, holding strong even as he shook his head.

That look will forever haunt me, and I cannot express what sort of scars it has left on my eternal soul.

“Please, no!” he cried, despairingly. In a struggle, he pulled on my arm. I fought with him for a few moments before it was proved obvious I was far stronger than him. The trigger still went off five times, my training proving good for each was fatal. Kagayaki jumped forwards, on his knees next to each of them, trying to stop the blood. I could hear him speaking to them. “It's okay, I'll help you... I will, I will... Don't hate him, please... He... He doesn't know what he's doing...”

But they couldn't hear him, and he turned to me slowly once he realized that fact.

“They... they're...”

“Yes, they're dead. That's why I came to Tokyo in the first place.” I replied, slowly coming over to him. I extended a hand to him, which most people would have shoved away or ignored, but Kagayaki – still as trusting as he had always been – took and let me help him to his feet. I had just killed people, and he still trusted me. To this day I can barely believe it. “You need to get out of here before they think you were caught up in this too much.”

That's when he looked at me, in a way that I can still see but can't really describe. It was a sort of mixture; fear, shock, thought, and love, all swirling in those deep brown eyes that caught all the light and made it brighter than the sun ever could. “No... you go.” he said, his hand slipping to my gun. At first, I didn't have any idea what he meant. That was the opportunity he took to snatch the weapon from my hands. I could see him visibly shaking as he held it, looking at it with absolute horror. I stepped forwards, my hand outstretched.

“Don't be stupid. You can't cover up my mess for me.”

“Yes. I can.” he told me, a confidence in his voice that seemed to scare him more than me. He looked down at his hands, covered in blood. It coated the gun, removing all evidence of my hand ever being on it. Then Kagayaki met my eyes again. “They'll never know. They can't.” He began to sob, thrusting his vision away. “I... I have to do this.”

I grabbed his wrist so firmly I'm sure it hurt him. But I wasn't worried about that. He was saying that he would take the blame, take all of the hate I deserved for murdering these people. I couldn't let him!

“I can't let them take you and hurt you. I just can't.” he said, swallowing hard. Then he looked at me, and I was helpless to those same eyes that I had previously ignored. “Don't tell anyone it was you, okay? Don't tell. I'll be alright, I promise. Just, get out of here. Please.”

I shook my head. “I can't let you do that.”

“Please... just go.”

The police sirens echoed throughout the room, over-powering the pounding of my heart. Looking around frantically, I knew that if I fought with him anymore, we would both be taken in because of it. He had caught me perfectly, and so I obeyed his wishes.

I can't believe I did it. Looking back several times, hoping he would follow me, I ran out of the back door. As soon as I did, I heard them come in. “You!” some dark voice cried. I heard Kagayaki cry out as someone threw him against the wall. It sent shivers up my spine. “You are under arrest for murder in the first degree.” Unable to stand hearing anymore of this – the words I heard were of my crimes, not his – I broke into a run, getting as far away as I could.

As I ran down the street, the sirens began screaming at me again, making me stop. Looking up, I saw the marked cars go past me. Kagayaki and I met eyes in that moment, and he smiled sadly at me.

I couldn't believe it. He smiled at me, even though he knew they were going taking him away, and didn't know what would happen to him. And it was all my fault. I fell down to my knees, and I cried.

I cried for his fate, which was my own. I cried for my fate, which would never be fair. I cried for all the people that loved him, and would be in complete shock he could do something so horrible.

'He didn't!' I wanted to scream as soon as I saw the newspapers, his blank face donning the front page. There were pictures of him smiling from not that long ago adorning the rest of the article, pictures of the bodies, and many others that made my heart clench. 'He never wanted this to happen!' But no one would have believed me. I knew that. Someone, just anyone, trusting this is my last hope to speak those words. Those words that I should never have had to say.

Kagayaki Aidou saved my life. But I didn't save his.

I'm sorry.

--------------------------------------

Chapter 2 – Nightmare

His dream had been just fine up until now. Cassie-chan had been there, Yukito-kun and Erin-chan too, and Shelby-chan had even smiled. Twice! Everyone had been so happy...

Then, as all his best dreams had seen, that familiar face entered.

Everything fell silent. Kagayaki felt that suffocating sensation again, unable to look away from those eyes as the man advanced towards him. “T-T-Takeshi...” he whispered, frozen in fear. His heart pounded in his head like a huge drum, he looked over and saw Yukito-kun, Erin-chan next to him. She looked scared. Yukito-kun looked down at her, then took her from the room.

He was alone, and Takeshi was smiling in a way that reminded Kagayaki of... of... that night...

In a sudden struggle as he realized what a small chance of escaping he had, Kagayaki made a break for the door, trying to get away from what he feared most. But, Takeshi – as Kagayaki remembered well – was much stronger and faster than he was. Finding himself pinned against the wall, he clenched his teeth as pain shot through his back. Scars from all the times that Takeshi had hurt him began to bleed, and Kagayaki felt his eyes grow wide. “Don't try to run.” Takeshi commanded in a hoarse whisper, words that scared Kagayaki more with every time it resonated in his head. “And don't. Scream.”

With that, Kagayaki felt his teeth chatter. “T-Tak-keshi... s-s-senp-p-pai... N-no...” he begged, his voice wavering, though he tried as little he could to squirm free of Takeshi's death grip on his shoulder. “N-n-no.”

Leaning close, Takeshi's breath was hot against Kagayaki's ear. “You can't hide from me anymore. I know you came here to run away from me.”

Kagayaki shook his head, closing his eyes to escape what he saw. “N-n-no...”

A dark laugh that sent chills up his spine echoed all around him, and Kagayaki had to open to his eyes again. The room had grown very dark, and Takeshi's eyes glowed menacingly. “Don't lie to me, Kagayaki.”

He swallowed. “Takeshi-senpai...” he finally managed without stuttering. “Please... no...”

Takeshi held him against the wall with more force, which made Kagayaki wince. “Give it up. I know you're scared. Stop talking. I like the quiet better. If I wanted this to be loud, I would have made it loud.”

Kagayaki tried to move again, but the grip tightened and he had to hold back a cry of pain. Takeshi had told him not to scream. So he couldn't scream. He had to make sure that he didn't.

He remembered what had happened last time he'd done something Takeshi had told him not to.

So, as Takeshi drew closer to him, Kagayaki held in his fear, even though each raggedy breath was a heaving sound and incredibly painful. “No...” he whispered, looking around.

There was no Sumire this time to save him.

There was no one to save him.

His lungs wavered with the urge to scream. “No...”

“I TOLD YOU TO BE QUIET! ”

Hands on his neck... gripping tighter and tighter... the warm breath on his neck...

“You don't understand do you?”

Kagayaki struggled, but it was no good. His hands fell against the smooth wall, finding nothing to hold onto. Nothing to help him. He was completely helpless and Takeshi knew it.

“I'm gonna kill you this time. No slip-ups. You won't make a fool of me again.”

~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

With a start, Kagayaki jumped so much he fell out of bed. His breathing was desperate, and he looked around with eyes so wide it hurt, his lungs aching from too much activity all of a sudden. But, he couldn't do it anymore. He finally let out the sound that he mentally held it so much, which only escaped when he woke up from these nightmares: he screamed, slipping his back into a corner and curling up with fear.

“MOTHER! MOTHER!” he cried, the Japanese word flying from his mouth in a squeal of fear. He heard someone clattering down the hallway. His heart began to race. 'Takeshi...' He moved further back into corner. “HELP ME, HELP!”

“Aidou-san!” a voice cried, and Kagayaki blinked.

“Cassie-chan...” he replied, and it came out as a weak moan. “Cassie-chan...!”

She burst into the room, looking frightened out of her wits. “Aidou-san...” she whispered, coming over to him and slowly going down on her knees. “Aidou-san, you scared me!”

He couldn't steady his breath. And, for the first time since he'd been around her, it wasn't because she was amazing. It was because he was scared. Kagayaki dove forwards, wrapping his arms around her as he shook uncontrollably. “Cassie-chan...” he whimpered. “Need you...”

Kagayaki felt her arms slip gently around him, the gesture much more comforting to him than she could have known. “It's okay... Calm down. Come on, get up on the bed again. Once you're asleep, I'll--”

“No go!” he cried, burying his face into the side of her neck.

She sighed. “Okay. I'll stay with you. Come on...”

They carefully got up and he laid down on the bed. Kagayaki felt himself calming again when she was on the bed beside him. He curled up to her. Normally, he would have never done this. But... he needed her now, more than ever. He felt her hand running down his cheek, and he closed his eyes. Images from his dream flashed before his eyes, and he shivered, but she calmed him again with her warm hand brushing across his face.

“It's okay. Just try and get some sleep. It's too early to be up...” she said, yawning.

Kagayaki nodded a little, a bit more comfortable with her arms around him, her beautiful and wavy red hair falling around his face, those big blue eyes looking down at him, shining in the darkness. “Yeah...” he agreed.

Maybe he was luckier than he'd thought. Before, he'd thought that his mother was the only one who would really be there for him during these nightmares. But, now he knew...

Cassie wasn't as far away as she'd seemed before.

[More than Music]

Chapter 3 – Insanity

It isn't fair
it isn't right
I really do care
As I must do what's right

What I have done to him wrong
Rests in the soul of this song
And I hope he can still see
What a different person I can be
Because he loved me

Now that you know where this has begun, let me tell you again how I don't think he ever hated me. That's most of what makes me sick. After all I did to him, he never hated me for any of it, despite all the hate and anger everyone else threw at him. I deserve to take all that. Me. So, to those of you still reading, I give you every right to hate me for what I am about to tell you of next; when he was finally released from prison and went home.

And what he was like when I found him.

It had been several months since the trial, which was a year or so after the killings. I remember it had been a long time, because I read the papers every day, hoping to see his smiling face as he returned home. I never saw a smile, but I did see his face. Kagayaki had been blessed – oh, yes, dear God, he was blessed! - with an incredible lawyer that his father had managed for him. They knew each other personally from what I heard around, and his defender had known Kagayaki since the boy had been very small. From what the papers said, they won the case, and he was let off as 'insane'.

It wasn't until I saw him I understood why. I had no idea just how torn up he'd looked until I ran into him on the street. At the time, I had no idea why God would let something like that happen to him. But I think it was to change me, to show me what I had done so I would beat myself up until I realized my wrong.

It worked. It's still working.

He was so different from what I remembered... His hair had grown out, just barely falling into his eyes. His posture was slumped a bit, something only someone who had known him as well as me would have seen. And... his face. Kagayaki looked more tired than he ever had, sadness and hurt painted across his face in such a way it wouldn't have been more obvious if it had been in red letters. He had an incredible limp in his step when he walked on his right leg. It was so bad he was leaning on someone, with one hand around them for balance. His companion held an umbrella over their heads to shield them from the light rain. Kagayaki looked frighteningly pale, his eyes merely brown abysses that swallowed me inside of them.

And the flair in his clothing, those bright colors that wouldn't have matched if some celebrity had willed them to, was gone. I wouldn't have noticed him if my eyes hadn't found his.

The man next to him looked up, and the slight smile fell from his face. This man looked familiar, but – like Kagayaki – he was hard for me to recognize. I could only guess it was for similar reasons – the weight of the situation. “Do I know you?” he asked me. I held my breath, shaking my head and lowering the brim on my hat.

But that wouldn't work on Kagayaki, partially because this was the very hat I had been wearing the first time we had met. What a coincidence, right? This was no coincidence. God had willed this directly, I'm absolutely sure. As soon as Kagayaki looked up at me, a smile came onto his face that mimicked those he had worn so often before. “Morgan-san!” he cried, his voice a crackling sound, quiet and weak. He tried to take a step towards me unaided, but tripped and nearly fell. His companion's hand was swift, pulling Kagayaki back onto his feet in what seemed to be a subconscious manner. I noticed Kagayaki's right leg stayed unnaturally straight.

“Be more careful, Kaki-kun.” he said. Kagayaki looked up at him with a soft glance as he regained his feet.

“Dad, I alright. Really.” he assured the man waving one hand as he wrapped the other around his father's neck again. “I just, so excited...” He choked on a laugh and my stomach turned. This was horrible.

“You are far from alright, and it has nothing to do with your weak leg.” the man – obviously his father - replied.

Then Kagayaki laughed in a way that made my eyes widen. I took a step back, shocked. That was when I began to understand what had happened to him... He had gone crazy. But, of course he had! Being in prison and being hated by everyone? Being alone for all the time the case was going through? These were things he hated most, and he had gone crazy trying not to show his fear. Of course he'd gone crazy, and it was completely my fault.

He was just trying to be strong, and do what they would have wanted him to do. And it had ruined him.

And, to think, all those years ago, I had jokingly told him that very thing would be his end.

I had no idea then how right I was, or I wouldn't have said it.

“No... I'm fine! Silly Daddy!” he remarked, patting his father on the head, almost reminding me of his former-self. “They... they just never seen a happy person before!” He looked at me and laughed again. My spine tingled as he looked at me with mock joy. “Oh, I said that bad.” Another hideous laugh.

His father stiffened, a very serious expression on his face as he faced me squarely. “You know him then?”

Kagayaki nodded fervently. “Yes! He's my friend. Aren't you, Morgan-san?” he asked me, smiling in a way that was probably intended to be bright and happy. I knew it wasn't.

If anyone else who he had known before, truly knew – like I did – the ratio of how often he'd acted happy, to how many times he had actually been happy, they would know my part of my sorrow when he smiled at me.

I frowned. “I was, a long time ago.” I said, replying carefully because of the look his father was giving me.

Kagayaki laughed again, and I took another half-step backwards. “Silly Morgan-san! This is my father, Hideo. You remember him, right?” he asked me, leaning his head against his father's shoulder. “He doesn't mean to be so scary. He just loves me very much and wants to take care of me as best as he can. He can be very protective.” He laughed again, and I forced myself to step forwards this time, placing a hand under Kagayaki's chin and making him meet my eyes.

His expression faded, and I sighed, looking down for a second before meeting his gaze again. “I'm so sorry.”

That was all I could say. What else could I tell him but the one thing I had been repeating every night as the nightmare made me leap up from my bed and scream. I had never been one to scream. I didn't know I could scream before all of this had happened. Now I know well the sound of my own screaming, and I believe that was another part of God's plan to remind me how much I needed Him.

Kagayaki just pushed my hand away with a smile, and I could see his father eying me suspiciously. “It's okay, really.” he said, but I shook my head. “It is.”

“No, it's not.”

“Yes, it is.” he pressed, pushing my head a little. “You think that, after all this time, I'd decide to be mad now?” He shook his head. “No. It's alright.” Kagayaki looked at me, frowning. “Hey. Listen.” Our eyes met once again, something that Kagayaki had never been able to do without being nervous and shaky. He had changed more that I knew just then. “I'm not mad at you. I made the choice. It was me, not you, remember?”

“I shouldn't have let you do it!” I whispered hoarsely.

Kagayaki laughed, and I realized that the way we were talking fit perfectly into the story everyone thought was true. But that wasn't what his father's eyes said. I had no idea how much suspicion he placed on that conversation until later. “I didn't give you a choice, remember?”

I swallowed hard, my gaze falling to my feet. “That doesn't make it any easier.”

He sighed, putting a hand on my shoulder. “Yeah, I know. But, see, I made it out pretty okay, wouldn't you say? I still look pretty good...” he said, gesturing to himself with a half-smile.

I shook my head, scanning him with my eyes. “You look like Hell. And I say that as a Christian.”

He laughed again, and his father said something to him. Kagayaki looked at me with a slightly sad expression. “I have to go now. Don't disappear on me again, okay? Come see me, okay? I missed you, Morgan-san!”

I could only nod as he waved and disappeared down the sidewalk. He'd changed. And his state wasn't going to get any better. In fact, it was going to get much, much, much worse. And, as it hit its peak and began to head back to sanity and joy, his life would end.

And it wasn't fair.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

I did go to see him, but soon found that things weren't any better at his home than rumor had told me.

When I arrived, I accidentally came in the middle of an argument between his mother and father that I probably shouldn't have heard. It only made me feel worse, as I stood outside the wide open front door – open to let out the heat, for it was very warm that day, being mid-June – staring in and listening with a heavy heart as their angry Japanese words slipped out into the neighborhood.

“We can't stay here, Hideo! I hate this neighborhood, and it hates my son!”

“He doesn't want to leave Chiba, he's said so!”

“And he's said a lot of things lately that he doesn't mean, maybe you haven't been listening!”

“Yes, I have been listening. And the more I listen, the more I think moving isn't a good idea.”

“Well, you don't know him as well as I do.”

“What's that suppose to mean?”

“I've been with him his entire life, so I think I have a little bit more of an idea of what he wants.”

“Freya, don't throw that one at me, please, I'm tired of apologizing for it!”

“You think it's okay that you disappeared for twelve years? Kakikun was eight years old when you left. That was when he needed you most, and you left. Now, you're here, and you think you know him better than me?”

“That's not fair.”

“Of course it's not fair!”

“Momma?” Kagayaki's strained voice came. I heard her walk with a sigh from the room as I approached the door at last. “Momma?”

I came into the hallway to see her turning out of the kitchen and into the living room. Following her slowly, I soon saw Kagayaki sitting in a chair, his feet put up, eyes wide and tear-filled. “Yes, Kaki-kun?” she asked, her voice much softer and sweeter than just a few moments ago. He took her hand gently. “What's the matter?”

“Don't fight because of me.” he whispered, looking up at her the same way as a child that didn't want their parent to leave them at preschool alone. I could see the brace on his leg now, because his pant-leg was pulled up to reveal it. It made me wince slightly. That was why he had kept his leg so straight before. It didn't look like he could move it. “Please... I love you both, and I don't want you to be sad.”

Just then, a firm hand grabbed me from behind and thrust me to the floor. I looked up at Kagayaki's father with fear, but I guess he recognized me, because he calmed. “You.” he said, realization in his voice. “I'm sorry.”

I shook my head, smiling slightly. “I should have knocked.” I told him. Later times would make me far more scared of Hideo's anger. Much more. But, for now, he had done nothing to me, so I let him help me to my feet. I looked over at Kagayaki and waved a bit out of American habit. “Good afternoon, Kagayaki-kun.” I nodded slightly to his mother in acknowledgment, and she did the same for me in the form of a more respectful bow.

Kagayaki greeted me with a wide smile, quickly pulling a blanket across his lap to hide the brace without looking at it. I sighed, coming over to place a hand on his right leg knowingly. His smile faltered for a moment. “Ah, you saw.” was all he said, slipping the blanket off as if it had just happened to fall upon his leg when I looked over. He glanced down at it with a rather confused expression, then up at me. “It doesn't work right.” He laughed as if this were ironic, but I knew that was his way of trying to make it sound better than it was. I ran a finger down the brace silently, knowing he was watching me, waiting for approval or something.

“Does it hurt or can you just not stand on it?” I asked, and his gaze fell. He shrugged.

“Both?” he said, as if asking me which would make me less upset to hear. I didn't smile. It wasn't okay.

“When did this happen?”

Kagayaki opened his mouth to reply, but ended up closing it and looking at his mother desperately. She just shook her head. I waited, watching him. He eventually just looked down with a smile I knew was forced. “A while ago.” was all he told me. He shook my head. That wasn't good enough.

But I didn't know the pain the answer would cause me. I thought it couldn't get any worse.

I was far from right. Very far.

“His leg has been weak for a long time, Morgan-san.” Hideo's voice came to me. I turned to look at Kagayaki's father, confused. “But he had to put it in a brace, because of an incident with another prisoner when he was being held, waiting for the trial to go through.”

I swallowed hard. I didn't think Hideo had any idea how much that hurt.

But now, thinking back, I think he did. I think that, from the moment Kagayaki and I had discussed it, he somehow knew that I had abandoned my friend in his time of need. He might have even known that Kagayaki was innocent and I was not. I can never be sure just what he thought of me as he looked at me in that instant, no doubt seeing my weakness and into my very soul. Kagayaki had told me that he didn't 'mean to be so scary', but I think he did.

And I think it was because he knew just what I had done. That should have scared me into confessing it all while I had a chance to stay on Hideo's good side, but it didn't. And, now, he will never trust me.

Not now that he knows everything.

My eyes shifted to Kagayaki, subconsciously asking him with a gaze if all this was true. He slowly nodded slightly. “It was an accident, Morgan-san.” he said, smiling at me. “Just an accident, I remember.”

Hideo scoffed. “Of course. He threw you down a flight of stairs and broke your leg on accident.” he muttered.

“Hideo-san...” I heard Kagayaki's mother whisper, putting a hand on his shoulder. “Calm down.”

He just shook his head in reply, not looking at her. I wondered what horrors I had caused for their marriage. I knew all of this was my fault, that their family was breaking apart again.

All because of me. It didn't make me feel any better to think about it.

Kagayaki just shook his head. “I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt me that bad.”

With that, Hideo walked out of the room, and I felt a bit easier knowing he wasn't watching me. Even if I didn't really have a good reason yet. I guess I had sort of an idea how dangerous he could be, after he had thrown me over without asking any questions. Of course, I knew that was because of how protective he had become of Kagayaki. But that gave him more reason than I thought he knew to mistrust me.

Freya looked at me with a sigh. “I'm sorry he's this way. Hideosan is just... very upset by all of this. He cares about us so much, and it has really taken a toll on his temper.” she apologized for him. I shook my head.

“It's alright. I would be the same way if I were him. I wouldn't trust anyone. You never know, right?”

Kagayaki looked up at me with almost-wonder. I guess he thought I was going to tell her everything as she watched me curiously. And I could have. I should have. But I didn't. I simply tipped my hat and turned to leave. “Morgan-san!” Kagayaki cried behind me, making me spin on my heel. He seemed to relax a bit more with my eyes on him. “You're not still sad because of me, are you?”

His manner was much different today than it had been that day on the streets. He seemed calmer, more 'at home'. It was believable. Kagayaki was the sort to act like everything was okay with him when someone else's happiness was at stake. But I knew that the same chaos was wreaking havoc in his mind, and it made me sick. Sighing, I just smiled at him. “Take care of yourself, Kagayaki-kun. I have to go now. I just came by to check on you, because you asked me to. And because today marks a day that you were once very, very happy.”

I saw those deep brown eyes light up, maybe even tear up a little. “Thank you for remembering.”

I nodded. “It's a pity Yumi-chan isn't here now. I would have thought she would come to see you, to try and make things better for you.”

Those words were well-meant, but they were not the right ones. Kagayaki looked away from me very fast, and I knew he was crying. “She did. But not to make me feel better, Morgan-san.” he whispered, very quietly, glancing back at me with that knowing look on his face. I looked down, ashamed of myself.

“I'm sorry.”

He blinked away the tears and shook his head. “It's alright. You didn't know.” He moved to get up on his own, but his mother rushed to his side and helped him out of the chair carefully. Kagayaki looked at her the same way he had looked at his father last time I had seen him, when he'd nearly fallen face-first into the street. It was, from what I could guess, his way of telling them he was glad they were here, helping him, taking such good care of him when no one else wanted him. Just a look. That was his way, wasn't it? The little things mattered to him much more than I understood at the time, even after being as close of a friend to him as I had been before.

My eyes fell to his wounded leg, and I felt even more ashamed of myself as I realized he had gotten up only to bow to me, to bid me farewell.

Even in his state, how much he was set on doing things for others! I wish that I could have shown the world that moment. I think it would have changed the minds of those who would later take his life. Just maybe.

Bowing in return, I could only say two more words as I bid my farewell. “I'm sorry.” He just smiled at me, as if nothing was wrong. Yes, he knew I was sorry. And I guess that was his way of reminding me he'd forgiven me.

I managed a smile in return as I walked away, waving slightly. He waved back, leaning out of the front door with a smile that shot a nostalgic feeling through my heart. The sort of feeling that told me this was the last time I would see him here. How I knew, I don't know. But some how I did.

Kagayaki, it was all my fault.

I'm sorry.

------------------------

Chapter 4 – Father

Kagayaki jumped. His phone was ringing, and it shocked him because he'd forgotten to take it off of vibrate before putting it into his back pocket. He didn't recognize the ring – he had certain ones set so he could tell who was who before answering – so he tried to read the number, but he knew that, by the time he read it, the call would be gone. So he answered it, putting it to his ear. “Moshi-moshi?” This Japanese statement was completely normal for him, even when he was in America.

“Kaki-kun?”

He froze, and had to remind himself to breathe. “Hideo-san?” he replied, shocked.

“How are you doing, son?” Hideo-san asked, his habitually calm voice grating on Kagayaki's nerves. No matter what Hideo-san did, it made Kagayaki upset. Not because of anything directly done to him, but because of what hadn't been done to him. Whenever he saw, heard, or was told about Hideo-san, one thing reentered his mind: 'Twelve years. Twelve years. He abandoned us for twelve years.' “Hello?”

Shaking his head, Kagayaki couldn't believe this man had the gall to call him, even though Hideo-san was his father, and even though most fathers did worry about their sons when they were halfway across the world. Kagayaki didn't care about that. 'Twelve years!' “What do you want?” he questioned, his voice which was normally so calm and happy, sounding the closest to begrudging possible for him.

It wasn't easy for him to be angry, but Hideo-san was an exception to that.

Hideo-san sighed, and Kagayaki just imagined him, looking over at his wife – Kagayaki's mother, who he missed much more than Hideo – with a hopeless expression, ready to give up like he always was. 'What do you expect? You left me since I was a little kid and tried to come back like it was nothing! Maybe my childhood, my happiness, and everything I care about don't mean much to you, but for me it's different! How can you pretend to care about me, to love me, to worry about me? You bastard!'

Kagayaki had also noticed his mind lingered more towards profanity when it concerned his father, and that was something that rarely happened with him, despite how much he'd heard in his lifetime. Yes, sometimes words slipped out here and there, but that was normal for anyone. Kagayaki hated Hideo-san more for developing that habit in himself though.

Because he'd never dream of saying – much less thinking as much as he did – these words to mother.

“Kaki-kun, why can't you just let it go and stop acting like such a child?” Hideo-san finally asked.

Kagayaki felt his jaw clench in a way he wasn't used to it doing. “Is that what it was? You left because you didn't want to deal with a little kid, and you think that coming back now will mean I'll be all 'adult' and just deal with you? I won't just forget it. Maybe it doesn't matter to you, but it matters to me!” he said, and was just about to hang up when he heard Hideo-san say something that made him stop. Kagayaki put the phone back to his ear with a shocked expression. “What?”

“I didn't leave because of you. I left because I thought I would mess you up.”

But he shook his head. “No, that's not what you just said. What did you just say?” he demanded.

“You--”

“That's not it either. What did you say!” Kagayaki cried, surprised at his own desperate tone.

“I said I know I can't make it up to you, and I know that.” Hideo-san said. Kagayaki squinted his eyes. There was something else... “I've been there.”

There it was. His eyes widened, and the air caught in his throat. “What are you talking about?”

“My father ran away from us too, my sister and I, when we were four and three. It was horrible for her, and I took it harder than she did. You'd think that would keep me from doing the same, but... no one had ever really shown me how to do that 'father' thing. I was afraid you would look at me one day and say the same thing I said to him the day he left.”

Kagayaki swallowed after a few moments of silence. “What?”

“I remember I looked up at him... I was very upset because he wasn't letting me do something I wanted to. I was so mad, that I met his eyes and said 'You don't care about me, do you?'”

Wait. Kagayaki's eyes narrowed again. “Wait, you said you named me after your father, and that he was some great and wonderful person!” he pointed out. 'He's tricking me, isn't he? That bastard!'

“He wasn't really my father.” Hideo-san admitted with a sigh. “He was my step-father. And he was a great and wonderful person. I don't know how, but you're so much like him...”

“So you think I'm going to forgive you because you did the same thing as your father did?”

Another sigh from the other end of the line. “No. I know it's not that easy. I just want you to know that, when I say I love you, I mean it. Even if you can't ever really forgive me.” he said, and Kagayaki could hear the honesty in his father's voice. “Can't we just put it behind us and... start over? I never got that chance with my father, and I wish I had. I know I've messed up, and it took me twelve years to figure that out, but I know it now and I want to do what I can.”

“Can I?” Kagayaki asked, finding himself choking on tears. “Can I forgive you, and let you back into my life without worrying that you'll leave again? I won't let you break my heart again, or watch you break Momma's heart again, either. If you turn and run again... I won't let you.”

Hideo-san seemed to be laughing through tears. “I won't leave again, Kaki-kun. You two are going to be my life, from now on, and I won't let anymore of it slip away from me. I promise you that. As soon as you get back from America, I'll do this father stuff right, okay?”

The tears broke free, and Kagayaki stumbled to wipe them away without dropping the phone. “I don't know about that, Hideo-san.”

“Please, Kaki-kun. Don't call me that. I know you want to hurt me, but... please, that causes me pain you can't understand.” he pleaded. “I'm your father, even if I've never acted like it. Father, Dad, anything else. Just don't refer to me as if we're strangers anymore.”

Kagayaki swallowed hard. “Dad...” he tried the word. A sad smile came onto his face. “Dad.” He nodded, switching the phone to his other ear. “Dad, I-I have to go now.”

“You're about to cry, am I right? Hey, I know the feeling. It's okay. Everything is alright there, right?”

Kagayaki nodded, not remembering that his father couldn't see that. “Yeah.”

“Not getting into trouble or having multiple girlfriends, right?”

He actually found himself laughing a bit, even if his tears choked the sound. “Of course not.”

“Alright. Now, I'm going to tell your mother you're taking good care of yourself... that's true, isn't it?” He could hear his father smiling on the other end as he spoke, even though there was an undertone of necessary seriousness in his words.

“Mostly.”

“Well, start now and she'll never know, okay?”

Kagayaki laughed again, nodding again. “Okay. Later, Dad.”

It felt so strange to be saying that!

“Goodbye, son.”

CLICK. His father had hung up. Kagayaki pulled the phone back and looked at it. His fingers moved automatically to add the number to his phonebook, but he hesitated on the contact name. With a smile that was particular to him, Kagayaki slowly typed 'Dad' in the Japanese lettering.

Yes, they had resolved it at last. Twelve years of separation and half a year of arguing, finally over.

Maybe everything else was that easy... just talking about the problem instead of making a big deal out of everything that didn't matter, being afraid to actually say what needed to be said.

Well, some things weren't that easy, but maybe most things were. It was worth a shot.

[More than Music]

Chapter 5 – Murder

Watch me from Heaven, friend
You already met your end
And know for certain
I don't kill any more, I swear

Their names and faces
Will forever follow my frantic paces
as I put together the story of our times
I lay myself at the world's feet
Finally admitting defeat

I guess many of you are wondering why I killed those people. It's rather important, seeing as I spent so much time trying to kill them, and Kagayaki went through all of that because did the deed.

Then I should probably start with why I wanted to kill them in the first place. Looking back, even my anger towards those five other human beings – that, had, I thought, ruined my life up to that point; the truth was that I had ruined my own life by lingering on it like I did – was no where as good of a reason for Kagayaki's pain as I'd tried to convince myself.

If I would take away his trials, if I could go back in time and warn myself of what it would do to someone I held so dear, I hope that my reaction would have been to give it up and just enjoy the rest of our lives. They would have been long, happy lives, if not for my wrongs.

But, you see, as all criminals are convinced, once they have planned it perfectly, they cannot turn back. They cannot go back to who they were. That idea is a lie, and I wish had known.

Of course, Kagayaki told me that. Oh, if I had listened to half of his advice! He was far more wise than anyone around him at the time realized. Just calm down, don't fight over petty things, and live. Yes, that was what he had always told me, and everyone around him. But it is far easier to look back at what you have done and wish it had been different, than to look around you and realize what you are doing.

Why? Because then we would be perfect. And, soon, there would be no thrill to life. No real love, because that comes from making it through hard times; physical, emotion, spiritual. Kagayaki weathered all these with me and more. Yes, more. He stood by my secret through more than I think I will ever truly understand, and I don't think my heart could handle hearing the rest.

All I can do is try to right any more wrong before it happens again.

Even if it can't – and won't – bring him back.

Because, bringing him back would only cause him more pain. Everyone would see his pain plainly again, and that was the last thing he wanted. The only good I can do is tell his story, and show why I was so wrong for what I did.

When it started first was when my mother and father began to grow apart, and someone slipped in to take her heart away. For a while. Once the divorce was final and the thrill of the affair was gone, her lover disappeared, running back to his wife and acting as if the entire thing was non-existent. And his wife, scared for her proud family's name, covered it up at home here in Japan and let him in again.

And that is why I killed them all. My revenge was taken swiftly, mercilessly, and without a backward glance towards the innocence I didn't realize I had. The chance I could have had to live my life slipped before my eyes, and I didn't see it pass by. Not until I was on my knees, crying on the sidewalk, looking over as the car carrying Kagayaki away from me into persecution drove by me.

That was when I noticed what wrong I had really done to the world, to Kagayaki, and to myself.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

“Please, Clarence, baby, don't do this!” she begged me. I looked at her with clenched teeth, throwing her off of my arm. She fell to the ground with a cry, her black hair falling into her tan face. Those naturally-wide eyes increased in size at the fact that I would hurt her.

If only I had known what a mistake I was making then!

“Shut up, Hope!” I hissed, silently pleading with her in my mind to not get in my way. I never wanted her to get in the way. I never meant for her to get hurt. Yeah, I still loved her, but only one person could really trust me, put up with me, and believe in me. That was Kagayaki, even if I couldn't see it at the time. And he had made me promise not to hurt her, even though she had done something I couldn't forgive. “You already called the cops on me, what more do you want?”

“I want you to turn back while I can still say it was all a mistake! I don't want you to get hurt!”

“And I don't want you to get hurt, so get outta here before you do!” I yelled back.

She shook her head. “No... you wouldn't hurt me... would you?”

I only scowled at her, turning back to my victims, who were standing in the corner of the room.

My mother.

Her lover.

And her lover's wife.

They would all die that night, and no one would be able to stop me.

But I wish they had.

Their words didn't even reach my ears, but I was sure I knew what they were saying; they wanted me to turn back too. 'After all this time?' I thought to myself. 'After I worked so hard to get here? No. Not now.' I wasn't going to let myself give in. I should have. But I didn't.

That was when he arrived. Kagayaki burst into the room, gasping for air. His lungs were bad, he shouldn't have been running, and I could see in a glance how much pain he was in, just before he hid it. “Morgan-san!” he panted, closing the door gently even though it wasn't necessary. His deep brown eyes went to me, then to Hope, then to the others. “Th-th-the police! They're coming, a-a-and you ha-ha-have to get out of here before they find you!”

I shook my head. “No, I have to do this.” I replied, my calm voice contrasting with his stammered gasps so much it gave me a headache. I knew these people better than he did, and – some how – he cared about them much more than I did.

“No, you don't understand!” Kagayaki cried, just as someone else shot through the door and grabbed him. I jumped to say the least, shocked that I had been invaded three times now, and that they had the gall to take hold of my friend and cover his mouth. Kagayaki struggled, but this person – I decided from his uniform he was police – was much stronger than him. Most people were; Kagayaki's heart was many times stronger than his body, and that meant he trusted no one would hurt him instead of learning to protect himself.

Not me. I had spent years of my life preparing for my strike.

“Give up your weapon!” the man cried. He looked about my age – mid to late twenties – with longish blond hair brushing just to his eyes that must not have been natural from his obvious Japanese decent. His face was very childish but grown-up in the way that he was a perfect definition of a young adult. Almost envying him for this, I held my gun harder.

“No.” I growled.

“Give up your weapon or else!” he told me, holding Kagayaki tighter even as his hostage fought for freedom. I didn't move. “Now!”

I lifted my gun, prepared to fire it. “Let him go.” I commanded.

“Drop your weapon!”

My teeth were clenched so hard it sent pain up my jaw to my brain, which was surging with the pressure of everything going on around me. I couldn't let him hurt Kagayaki. But I wouldn't let him stop me, no. He too would fall victim to my anger. My gun aimed. “Let him go or I'll kill you too.”

“No! Drop the gun!”

“Have it your way.” I said, my voice low. BANG. The man released Kagayaki in a lurch as he reached for his injured limb. His leg was bleeding rather badly. Yeah, I'd pinned him in just the right place; he would bleed, but he wouldn't die. No, and he was only partially paralyzed. Perfect shot.

I thanked God for having gone to college, even though I had no business talking to God just then.

Wiping away some of the dirty-blond locks that were sticking to my forehead from sweat, I sighed. “Sucks to be you,” were the only words of comfort I offered him as I grabbed Kagayaki's arm and pulled him onto his feet. My friend looked scared out of his wits, but he still trusted me. “Come on, Kagayaki-kun, get out of here before something really bad happens to you.”

But he shook his head. “No, I can't leave you here. More are coming!”

I looked over to see my ex-girlfriend, Hope, standing next to my mother in fear. She was afraid of me. I'd never meant for that to happen.

But that wasn't the only thing I didn't mean to happen that night.

“But I can't let you see this.” I muttered. I glanced over to see a look of confusion on his face.

“What do you mean, Morgan-san? You're not going to hurt these people, are you?”

I nodded slowly, my deep sea-green eyes moving from him to Hope again. “Yeah, I am. That's why you can't be here. I don't want you to see me do it. Get outta here.” I told him. I saw him follow my eyes, and he grabbed my arm.

“N-Not her, right?”

Pulling my arm from his grasp, I took a few steps away and avoided his eyes. “Get out.”

He moved backwards, but did not leave. After a few moments, he flew forwards, holding my hand very firmly and looking up at me in a way I had to work harder to avoid letting get to me. “Please...” he begged me. I kept my gaze on them. “Please, don't do this. I don't want you to hurt these people.”

“They won't feel a thing.” But that wasn't the point. I made sure I didn't look right at him, but I couldn't help but see him looking up at me in a way I would never forget. Honestly, I can still see it perfectly.

“Please, no!”

He fought with me, but I won and – with Kagayaki still hanging onto my arm and feeling the gun recoil each time – I fired at all my victims. BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! I felt a huge weight lifted off of me as I saw each one of them hit the floor. My posture became less slumped, my face relaxed, and my heart's beating began to slow, my head pounding less and less.

But an even heavier weight was thrust upon me as Kagayaki ran to them, falling to his knees. The blood was slowly leaking from them across the floor. It soaked into his clothes and got onto his hands as he tried to stop the blood and get them to respond to him. “It's okay, I'll help you... I will, I will... Don't hate him, please... He... He doesn't know what he's doing...” his voice barely slipped out, only heard because of the complete silence, now that all five of them laid, motionless upon the floor.

Slowly, he looked up at me.

“They... they're...”

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

The sound of his voice makes me too upset to review the rest of this scene. I have told you of it before. You know what happened. I have told you exactly. But my story is not over, as much as it pains me to recall each and every moment that is of incredible importance to what you must know.

But I can't recall that moment any more. I must continue to the other important moments, that will cement what I have told you. This was only to explain myself. I'm not sure if it was to show you that I am not a villain, only a person who made very bad choices, or what. I'm not sure.

I'm sorry.

---------------------------------------

Chapter 6 – Driving

It had been so long since he'd been the driver's seat of a car! But, now that he was home, he had promised his mother he would stop being so afraid. That he wouldn't be so dependent and weak, and unable to care for himself. No, now he would finally get over his fear of driving a car.

He was going to be twenty-one years old soon, and he'd never even tried driving a car. That was pathetic. Kagayaki had decided he didn't want to be pathetic anymore. He was turning his life around, letting that all go and starting fresh.

But he was still so scared!

Looking over at his father, who sat in the passenger seat, Kagayaki swallowed hard. “Dad... I don't know if I can do this...” he whispered. His father just shook his head.

“You can do this, Kaki-kun. I know you can.” he urged gently, confidence in his voice.

Memories of the day he'd crashed flooded back into his mind.

“What are you doing?!? You can't drive! Kaki-kun, come back, please!”

“Kagayaki, don't talk like that!”

“Please don't leave!”

“He'll die if you don't stop the blood flow!”

“Son, stay with us now!”

He shuddered, but he felt his father's hand on his shoulder. “It's alright. You'll do fine.”

'Dad believes in me... why can't I believe in myself?' he thought, shaking his head to try and regain some of his courage. “I... I... I can do this...” he told himself, gripping the wheel with determination. “I... I can...”

“Yes, you can.”

Kagayaki smiled gratefully. “Thank you so much for saying you'll do this, Dad. I know, we had to go out in the middle of no where for me to feel safe practicing, but... I'm just so sure I'll crash again.”

His father nodded. “It's okay. I was scared when I first tried to drive too. I'd be more scared if my first try had been yours. But, I promise, you'll do better this time.” he said, then he paused. “Now, remember, no music, no sight-seeing, and no cellphones. Here, give it to me now in case anyone calls.”

Feelings his jaw drop as he looked over at his father, Kagayaki couldn't believe what he has just heard. “N-N-No cellphone?” he stammered. “Dad... I don't know...” He reached protectively to his pocket.

“That's just how it has to be. Come on.”

Kagayaki reached into his pocket and fingered his cellphone. “But...” His cellphone was the one thing he couldn't live without. It connected him to all the important people in his life – and it was especially good for those people who he could hardly see any more. One of them being Cassie-chan...

“Call me lots, okay?” he remembered her saying.

“Un. I will. I love you, Cassie-chan!” he'd told her, giving her a kiss as he'd headed for the plane.

'I don't need this phone right now. I can do this. I need to do this. I have to become a good, strong, brave person. For Mother. For Cassie. For Yukito-kun.' Taking a deep breath, he took his cellphone out and placed it into his father's hand. “Okay.” his father said, taking it. “I'll put it in my pocket, just in case it rings, alright?” Kagayaki slowly nodded, looking back out of the windshield. “Are you ready?”

Kagayaki paused at first, but nodded again.

“Good. Now, turn on the car. Turn it backwards, but don't hold it more than a few seconds; until you hear the car start up. If you hold it there too long, you'll break the starter, so... be careful.”

His fingers found the keys, turning them. After a few moments, he heard the sound he thought meant the car was on, so he turned the keys back to 'on'. Looking over at his father for approval, he earned a nod. Kagayaki smiled. He'd just started, and he was already doing something right! This was good!

“Very good. Now, put your right foot on the gas pedal. Yeah, that one. Remember, only use one foot for both pedals. Because you'll never need to press them both at once, but if you try and do one foot for each, you'll end up doing the wrong one.” his father explained. Kagayaki nodded, trying to process all that was being thrown at him. “Slowly.”

The car jolted forwards, and Kagayaki jumped, pressing hard on the break with a look of fear. This moment would decide his fate... did he really want to die or not? His life flashed before his eyes, scrambled like a puzzle falling to the floor. He saw his mother, crying, banging on the window of the car as he pulled away, her falling to her knees as he disappeared. He saw the day his father had left, and how he had acted 'strong'. Yumi's face the day he had first asked her to be his girlfriend, his first kiss with Yumi... His first kiss with Cassie on the night that Erin-chan had disappeared... the night he first met Cassie, the night that the had come over to make her feel better, the night he'd tried to help her get past her fear of storms... The days he had met each of the members of the now broken band Myriad of Horrors. The day Yukito had left, the heartbreak involved. The day that his mother had asked his father to come home, back when he had thought his father was worthing hoping for, and when his father had said the phrase that had never left Kagayaki's mind: “I have nothing to come home to.” Was he nothing? Had he been nothing? He saw one of their band's concerts, the people there, so excited, so happy... The people that had outright thanked them for their music. And things he normally didn't remember, like lives he had touched, leaving people changed for the better.

All the times he had been injured flooded into his mind like water filled with blood. The times he had hurt himself, sometimes on purpose. No, he couldn't handle going through that again. “I can't do this, I can't do this, I can't do this!” he yelled, shaking. “There are plenty of people who never drive! Plenty!”

But his father's firm hand saved him from his fear again. “It's normal to press the gas too hard. It's okay. Try again.”

Kagayaki was convinced, after a few minutes, that he could give it another try. He took a very deep breath, let it out, then took another deep breath. Putting his hands back onto the wheel, he slowly placed his foot onto the gas. He was more careful with pressing the pedal this time, but it still jerked the car. They went through the same thing a few more times, and he felt his heart pounding in his head. Unable to take the pressure any more, Kagayaki unbuckled and leapt from the car, slamming the door behind him and standing outside with his hands on his head in exasperation

'I can't... I can't do this... I'm too scared... I'm too scared to do this! I'm sorry, Momma... Cassie... Dad... Yukito-kun... You believed in me and I let you down. I'm so sorry I let you down.'

“Kaki-kun!” his father's voice reached him, and he heard the other car door slam. “Kagayaki!”

He couldn't answer. He couldn't look at his father now. He was crying, and he hated it when people saw him cry. Kagayaki felt weak enough, he didn't need someone seeing him cry right now. “Dad... don't look...” he said, turning so his father couldn't see him but not taking his hands off his head. He couldn't relax, he couldn't calm down, and he couldn't stop crying. This had been a bad idea. There was no more room for failures right now. He had to find something he could do. Something, anything. “Give me my phone please.”

“Kagayaki-kun, you can't drive with your cellphone.”

“Please, just give it to me!” he pleaded. His father sighed, but he saw the phone held out to him. Kagayaki's hand flew to the item, and he dialed – probably more roughly than he should have – the only person he thought could really make him feel better right now. It seemed to ring forever.

Finally, she picked up. “Hello?”

Just the sound of her voice made him calm, and his other hand dropped to his side. Kagayaki let out a sigh, and everything seemed much better. “Cassie-chan?” he asked, just wanting her to talk to him.

“What's the matter, is something wrong?” she replied in question, her accent on the English words making his entire body slow down and calm.

A smile crossed his face, ridden with relief and joy. He slumped against the car. “I... needed... hear you talk.” he muttered, knowing his English was terrible, but that she would still understand what he meant.

Cassie laughed, and he smiled more, closing his eyes to let in the sound. “You're so silly sometimes.”

Not opening his eyes, Kagayaki nodded. “Yeah, know. But, did. I... I love you.”

“I love you too.” she giggled. Yeah, he'd had no choice but to teach her the meaning of that word. It slipped out every time he wanted to tell her 'I love you', but she hadn't known what it meant until he explained it to her. Now, even though she didn't say that in return, at least they understood each other. “What's up, anyway? Don't tell me nothing's wrong. You're not that good at lying to me.”

Yumi had always been able to tell when he wasn't telling the truth too, when he was hiding something. Kagayaki could only guess that, when he was in a relationship, he was very awful at lying. Which wasn't normal for him; he was usually very good at lying. But to his girlfriends, he obviously wasn't. He could only laugh at this irony. “Tried to... to... drive...” he mumbled, opening his eyes and looking over at his father for a moment with a sigh. “Done... bad.”

“Aw, I bet you were doing awesome.”

He shook his head. “No, done bad.” he told her.

“Well... I don't think you would be able to stand not doing something good without beating yourself up for it. You're such a silly boy.” she told him. After he didn't respond for a while, she sighed. “That's why you're upset, isn't it? Listen, having trouble trying to drive is totally normal... ask anyone who's driven before! It gets easier as you do it more.”

“Cassie... scared.” he whispered, looking down.

“You remember what we did, when you were here and I was scared?” she asked, but she must have known he didn't feel like explaining it – he wanted her to say it – because she continued it on her own. “You dragged me out into a really bad thunderstorm and held me there until I stopped shaking, even though you told me how much you hated to get wet. I'm still scared of bad storms, but... it's easier now. I know I can't be there to ride along with you, but... just know that if I was, I would be.”

He smiled. “Thanks.” he said, his gaze not lifting even though his spirits were. “I... I try again, yeah.”

“That's it. I love you, Kagayaki-kareshi!”

Kagayaki had to smile at this butchered Japanese, but he was sure that was what his English sounded like to her. “I love you, Cassie-kanojo.” he replied.

“Call me and tell me how it all went, okay?”

“Un. Okay.”

“Bye!” she chirped.

“...Bye...” He heard her hang up, and it gave him the strength to look up at his father. “Okay,” he said, switching back to Japanese – which was much easier for him to communicate. “I'm gonna try again, Dad.” His father patted him on the shoulder.

“That's it. Come on, buckle up and let's go through this one more time.” he said, starting to head back to his side of the car when he paused. “Wait.” he turned back to Kagayaki. “Cellphone.”

Kagayaki sighed, but this time he was smiling crookedly as he handed over the phone.

“There. Now, let's go.”

Everything went rather well, but Kagayaki was still a bit scared. At the end of the day, he hadn't moved them very far from that spot, even though he learned a lot.

And he actually felt ready for next time.

'Cassie... I love you so much. I'm so lucky to have you. Thank you.'

[More than Music]

Chapter 7 – Leaving

I wish I could
take it all back from you
I wish I would
have listened to the words from you
When you tried to save me

My memories
are are that's left now
All these dynasties
are wasted now

Why was I so cruel?
Why couldn't I just keep you safe?
Why did you have to leave?

For this next part in the story I tell, I must sincerely ask all of you reading this to forgive me for the sorrow it may inflict upon you. If I could make it any less painful and mournful, I would honestly give my life away to do so. But I can't, and I must tell you everything exactly as I remember it.

It is my worst infliction to have this information and not release it. For the good of everyone, I must relate you the events that happened next, for they are quite different from what everyone was told.

Very different; sadder, crueler, and more emotionally wrecking than anyone who was not there could possibly understand.

I promise you, every word is true, even if my mind prevents me from recalling every single detail.

If you remember it better, I tell you once again, it will only help you to realize what I have.

To return to my point, this next part details what I have alluded to before; when I had last seen him, waving out the door at me with that slight smile, that was the last time I would see him there. Or see him any time soon. He had left some time before, and I'd had no idea. Enveloped in my sad frustration, I had barely been surviving, much less reading the newspapers. I just couldn't handle it anymore.

My statements are proved in the following scene.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Walking up the street, I had finally gathered up the courage to return to the Aidous' home. Though I had already felt in my heart they might be leaving, I had no idea what I would see there now.

The entire building was burnt to the ground, charcoal stains on the buildings that had sat so close to in on that quiet little street.

My mouth fell open, and one hand automatically went to my chin to disguise my confusion, feeling at the beginnings of a beard that covered a good majority of my jaw. I didn't understand. Had there been some sort of accident?

Once I looked at the remains of that once cheerful and lovely house, I realized... this was no accident.

Someone had done this.

My teeth clenched secretly behind my lips, I looked around for someone who might know what had happened. Blue eyes falling upon the door just to the right, I made my way over and knocked as gently as I could manage in my shock and anger. A familiar face appeared: Karyu Tanaka, a young man just a few months older than Kagayaki with black hair that fell just to his shoulders with an almost unnatural volume for a young man, rather oddly thick pink lips, and big brown eyes that met mine in a way that was both afraid and completely calm.

The former had never been there before.

Karyu's hands slipped into his pockets coolly – a habit he had passed onto Kagayaki; they did this when they were trying to control their hands when they wanted to do something they shouldn't, or they had the jitters, one thing the two boys shared that few knew of – as he looked up at me. I was taller than most of the people here, but not by much. In this case it was just because I was average for an American, and he was average for a Japanese. There is a good five inch difference between the two.

“Morgan-san.” he said, not letting whatever seemed to have changed in his manner control him. “You haven't been around here for a while, have you?” His English slipped out easily; he had been educated in English many years and was nearly as skilled in it as me. Karyu's eyes wandered over to the deserted lot next door. “Yeah, it's been a while since that happened. But you weren't here for that, were you?” Shaking my head, I wondered what he was getting at. He looked at me pointedly. “Then I guess you don't know where Kaga-kun is either, do you?”

I shook my head. “I'm afraid not.”

Karyu sighed. “Well, figures. I'd hoped he'd gone to you. But, then again, he might have been afraid they'd come after you too, just like he was everyone else, after the fire.” he told me. He spoke these words rather ominously, half-explaining things to me with a blazing tongue. Our eyes met again, and I didn't falter whatsoever.

“What are you talking about?”

He shrugged. “You thought he'd get off the case that easily and not have people after him? What's interesting, is, who they saw out here. I think you'd recognize one of them, Morgan-san,” he said, looking away then slowly back at me. “He is your father after all.”

All the air caught in my throat. I felt suffocated. My father, of all people? Burning down Kagayaki's house, obviously trying to kill him? Why?

Then I realized it.

My mother.

He must have still loved her, and was trying to get revenge on the 'killer', which I knew was wrong.

Finally catching my breath and looking back at Karyu, I tried to stay calm. “My mother was one of the victims. Of course he was here.” I told him, trying to shrug as easily as him.

Karyu frowned. “You did it, didn't you?”

I looked at him with fake surprise. “What are you talking about?”

“Oh, come on,” Karyu moaned, leaning against the door frame. “You didn't seriously take me as one of the stupid people who looked at Kaga-kun and thought 'woah, he's become a killer!' and believed all the headlines? I'm not an idiot, Morgan-san, as much as I try not to draw attention to myself.”

I shook my head. “I don't understand why you would pick me out as the culprit.”

He mocked my gesture, looking around him with a laugh of disbelief. “You're the most likely person Kagayaki knew that he would have to save from jail is all.”

Now, I couldn't argue with that logic. Even if I hadn't killed those people – which I had – I still would have been the most likely. Our relationship, my past, my manner... all of this pointed the accusing finger of logic at me. My face fell. “Can I come in?”

He looked at me for a second, then slowly nodded, turning around and yelling to someone in Japanese: “Mom! Someone's here I know. Letting him in. He's okay.” I looked at him questioningly as I slipped inside behind him. Another shrug. “Ever since the Aidous' were put under suspicion, she's been getting mad at me for letting in people I'm not sure are okay.” He met my eyes. “You are okay to let in, aren't you?”

I sighed. “I have no intention to hurt anyone else. I promise, I learned my lesson.”

Karyu looked satisfied by this, partially because it answered his question as he shut the door. “So you're gonna admit it? You framed him?”

“No. But I let him frame himself.”

He laughed gently as he led me farther into the house. “Sounds just like him.” he muttered. “Don't talk about that too loud around her though. She hates hearing about it and will try and do something to distract you if you try to talk about it in front of her. Wait until she's gone.” Nodding, I showed him that I understood. A lady in her early forties came in to meet us, with a weathered smile and wide-spread arms of welcome that looked very weary.

“Ah, it is you, Morgan-san! I am so glad you have come to see us.” Her smile faltered. “Or have you come to see Aidou-chan? I'm afraid his family had to move. There was an accident. Would you like some tea, friend, or would you like coffee?” She moved towards the kitchen in suggestion.

I waved my hand. “No thank you. I'm just fine, Tanaka-sama.”

She smiled at me, bowing. “Then I will leave you and Karyu-chan to your talking. If you need anything, just give me a holler, I'm not far; just in the kitchen.”

I bowed in return, smiling as much as I could manage. “Thank you so much.”

We continued on into Karyu's room, which was strangely clean. Karyu rolled his eyes as he entered behind me, leaning out of the door. “Mom! I asked you to stay out of my room! I can't find stuff!”

“Oh, I'm sorry Karyu-chan! I was just--”

“Never mind, Mom. It's okay. Just remember to give me my space next time, okay?” he told her, shaking his head as he fully re-entered the room. “Mothers.” he muttered to himself as he looked at me with a soft glance that I had seen on Kagayaki not so long ago. “She cares about me too much.” Flopping carelessly onto his futon, Karyu looked at me expectantly. “So, why'd you come to see him? I mean, since you ruined his life and everything?”

I sighed, looking around at the strange posters hung on the wall. They weren't of the most reputable styles. Karyu's room was a sight just waiting to be a case on women's rights. But he didn't seem to mind it. I could only guess it was because he was the quietly rebellious sort; he'd always been like that. “Come on, that's not fair.” I said, but as I looked down at the unforgiving face gazing up at me, I knew that wasn't going to cut it. Karyu was – quite possibly – smarter than me and could see through me like I was made of cellophane. “I came here to check on him. The last time I had was a month or so ago.”

“Well, he's gone. He ran off because of the people who came and tried to burn him – and his parents – alive in their own house. The bastards,” he said, finishing in a low tone. Karyu's eyes wandered all about the room with a deeply serious expression. “No one knows where he's gone. I've gotten a bunch of calls from his folks, his friends... the infamous Beautiful-chan even called me and asked me – in tears – if I had any idea where he was. All of them I had to say 'no' to, no matter who they were, because he never told me. He just said that I should read the Bible, try not to hate the real culprit, and tell everyone he was doing the best thing he could think of. Just like him, isn't it, to sacrifice everything for the people he cares about?”

My hands were in my pockets, my eyes cast down in shame. I had gotten him into this. It was all my fault. And I couldn't even find him and figure out if he was still alive.

No one knew where he was. Not even his best friends.

I swallowed hard. “How long ago did he leave?” was all I could think to ask.

He shrugged, still laying down, as he reached for a small binder. “Let me see...” he said, opening the folder and laying the papers across his bed as he finally sat up to view them. I could see they were all small notes and newspaper clippings. The articles, I knew; they were of all the stories posted about Kagayaki's case and all the surrounding events, down to the smallest lines mentioned. Karyu was certainly a very dedicated friend to have found all of these, even if someone had been helping him.

Because I didn't know anyone who scoured a newspaper for the pieces as small as I saw there.

“It was about two weeks ago tomorrow.” he told me, holding out a certain cutout to me. I took it slowly, scanning it with my eyes, tilting the black felted fedora I wore out of my eyes so I could see it better. “That's the article posted on the fire. He left that night and no one, that I know of, has seen him since. All of the reports of people seeing him have turned out to be a hoax.” He sighed. “I kinda wish someone knew where he was, just so we could know he was alright, but... then again, if someone found him, I think he'd be far from alright.” Karyu looked up at me, and I met his gaze as I finished the clipping. “You know they'll find him before we do.”

“Don't be so sure.” I told him, handing him back the clipping. “Thank you for telling me all of this.” Starting to walk away, I heard Karyu call out to me, returning the articles to their folder beside his bed.

“Hey, where do you think you're going?”

In the hallway, I turned to look at him and saw his mother behind him. My throat was swelling up with tears and I couldn't stay here much longer. My mind was swimming and I needed to start looking for Kagayaki right away; I know now that if I had hesitated much longer he would have been farther away in both mind and body. I may never have found him if I hadn't done it when I had. “I'm going to find him. I promise.” I said, meeting both of their eyes for just a moment. I bowed respectfully, tilting my hat to them. “Thank you for doing what you have to show me... I'm the only one who could find him now, and I can't let him slip away where only criminals can find him. He's taking the fate destined for someone else, and I won't let them kill him for it. I won't.”

I couldn't prevent it. But I'm glad I didn't think so at the time, or I would never have looked for him so thoroughly as I did. I don't want to think much more on what could have happened to him.

“Y-Y-You're going to look for Aidou-kun?” his mother stammered. I nodded solemnly. “That's crazy!”

“No more crazy than anything else I've done, ma'am. Please forgive me if I cause you any strife.”

Then I turned and just walked. I wandered over to the remains of the house, finding a small fire-proof box among the ashes. Glancing around me as the dusk was settling, I took out my small pistol – it wasn't made to kill, but it was good enough for this – and firing one shot at the lock. It came open with a CLICK and I searched it's contents. Kagayaki's birth certificate, shot records, and other medical files. All three of their high school diplomas. A small book containing pictures of Kagayaki throughout the course of his life so far, from when his mother was pregnant with him, to his toddler years, through school, with his band friends, leading up to one very recent – I decided it had been taken not a month ago. I slipped this small photo album into my inner coat pocket and closed it. I took this box – this proof of Kagayaki's life – and covered it with the remainders of something like a curtain or sheet that I recovered. Slipping it underneath my arm, I disappeared.

I was going to find his parents, give this precious and irreplaceable box of memories back to them, and then begin my search for Kagayaki.

This photo album, I would say was stolen. It would be my key, my token, my motivation.

That was the night I began my useless struggle to save Kagayaki's life.

I failed.

I'm sorry.

------------------------------

Chapter 8 – Rain

Kagayaki stared out the window at the rain, a smile on his face that didn't seem willing to go away. But that was okay. He didn't really mind it that much. The reason he was smiling was a good one, even if no one here understood it, and it was nice to remember it.

“Kaki-kun, what are you doing?” his mother's voice came, and he looked over at her, the smile still stuck hard on his face. She smiled back at him, but in a way he knew was curious. “What's that for?”

“I'm just... remembering something. Someone.” he replied, turning back to the window. Kagayaki leaned closer to it, closing his eyes. He could almost smell the rain from that night, hear the thunder, and feel her shaking in his arms. There were times that Kagayaki acted much braver than he really was, and that was one of those times. It had been for the good of both of them, and it had been beautiful to see her wide blue eyes looking up at him, the red curly hair laying limp about her shoulders. 'Cassie... I miss you so much.'

“Ah... Cassie-chan, right?”

He nodded, smiling a little wider. He couldn't help it. Talking about her made him so happy, he looked like an idiot the way he smiled. Kagayaki opened his eyes and looked up at his mother. “I miss her, Momma. I miss her very much.” he said, honestly, and she nodded in her turn.

“I know. And you love her, too.”

Kagayaki felt his cheeks grow a bit hot, but he nodded again. “Yeah...” he whispered, his gaze flitting to the window. “I wish she was here... Maybe I could get her to dance in the rain again.”

A BOOM of thunder. His mother jumped, and Kagayaki remained completely still, closing his eyes as the memories flooded back to him. BOOM! “Kaki-kun, maybe you should come away from the window... I hear this storm is going to be a bad one... Kaki-kun?”

~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

BOOM! He could hear Cassie-chan gasp with each huge clash of thunder.

“Aidou-san?”

He turned to her with a smile, tearing his eyes from the big window that revealed the incredible storm outside. It was so beautiful. Almost as beautiful as her. “Yeah?” he replied, coming over to her. She was shaking a little, and looked very nervous. Kagayaki's face showed his concern. “What matter, ne?”

Cassie-chan shook her head. “Nothing. I just... don't like big storms like this.”

Kagayaki wrapped his arms around her and pulled her so close that she nestled her head against his neck. “Been okay, yeah.” he told her, running a hand through her gorgeous red hair. “Really.”

BOOM! She gasped, wrapping her arms so firmly around his waist that he gasped a little too. He was glad she was too scared to noticed that she was tightening around the scar that never seemed to heal on his right ribs. Kagayaki sighed, still holding her near.

“I'm too old to be scared of storms, aren't I? I mean, look at you... You're not scared.” she said, obviously trying to talk herself out of fear. Kagayaki looked over at the window. He had his fears too. Plenty of them. Enough he couldn't count them all on two hands. He knew that willing them away wasn't the answer. You had to face them, and not let your legs give out as you stared into your own personal Hell. Well, maybe he could help her. Facing your fears alone was something he'd felt before. Maybe she didn't have to.

He was here for her, after all.

“Scared, Cassiechan?” he asked in a whisper. He looked out into the rain, and a smile overtook his face. As he thought of something. “Come on, yeah! Come on!” He pulled her towards the door, away from the safety of her bedroom. She looked up at him curiously.

“Come on where?” She didn't seem to eager to leave her room. It was her sanctuary, where she was hidden from all the problems and fear. Kagayaki took both of her hands in his and slowly led her out. This approach she seemed less worried by.

She trusted him. And he would use that to help her as best as he could.

“Go somewhere.” he said, smiling brightly. “Come on, yeah! Come on!” This earned a bit of a laugh from Cassie-chan as he pulled her down the hallways like a child headed to the park. “Tried sometime, yeah. Work good.” He looked back her to see a bit of a skeptical expression, but he just laughed. “Been okay, yeah! Really!”

She just shook her head, smiling slightly at him in her beautiful way. He kept dragging her along until they were at the front door. Stopping before it, Kagayaki removed his warm jacket, helping her into it and pulling the very-big hood over her head. The coat – in all it's length and strange proportions – covered Cassie from her knees, far past her hands, over her shoulders and hiding nearly her entire face. This made them both laugh, and Cassie-chan peeked out from under the hood. “What do I need this for, Aidou-san?”

Kagayaki leaned close and kissed her, one hand slipping out behind him to grab the door knob. She must not have seen it until he flung the door open and all the rain poured in on them, because she let out a bit of a cry when they began to get wet even before he tugged her outside.

“We can't go out in this storm! I-I don't like storms INSIDE!”

He nodded, shivering as the cold rain soaked into this clothes. He met her eyes. “Hate, get wet.” he confessed, pulling his shirt out a bit so he could see just out wet he was getting. His lips pouted, and he looked over at Cassie-chan pitifully. “Eeeh, you need me to, yeah.”

She looked at him from the confines of the hood once more. “What are you talking about?”

Kagayaki pulled her close to him again, holding her protectively. “Sh...” He knew something was coming that would test how much she trusted him, whether she felt the way he did about her or not. “Come here.” Cassie-chan didn't seem to understand, but she snuggled closer to him. Kagayaki's eyes closed as her arms wrapped much gentler around his waist this time. “Waitin', yeah.”

“For what, Kagayaki?”

He smiled, eyes still shut. “Tunder.”

She must not have been able to understand his bad English until a few moments later.

BOOM!

“Aidou-san!” she gasped, burying her face into his shirt. “I wanna go back inside!”

Shaking his head, he felt his teeth begin to chatter. Oh, he got cold so easily when he was wet! That was one of the reasons he hated going out in the rain so much. But... Cassiechan needed him here, even if she didn't seem to want his help. So he couldn't let his fears get in her way, even though his heart was pounding. He just knew he'd get sick because of this... He wished he could have had his jacket, but he wanted Cassie-chan to have it. Then, maybe, it would help her feel safer.

BOOM!

“I'm scared, Kagayaki!” she sobbed, and Kagayaki looked down to see her eyes full of tears. It was hard to see just how long she'd been crying, from the rain trickling down her face. “Please, take me back inside! I hate this!”

With a sigh, he shook his head, leaning forwards until their lips met again. He thought, maybe, if he kissed her, she wouldn't be as scared. Cassie-chan seemed to put all the power of her fear into the embrace, and Kagayaki felt his breath taken away.

She had no idea how amazing she was.

A flash of lightning made her pull away from him, and, as Kagayaki tried to regain some air, Cassie-chan looked around them nervously. “Please...”

BOOM! This sound seemed to be just above their heads. Even Kagayaki jumped a bit, looking up at the clouds with wonder. The thunder made him so curious... What was this sound that echoed down to them, like the sky was angry at them? Like it knew all their secrets and was trying to make them confess everything that was on their minds. Like it knew each and every lie, like it knew their hearts.

Cassie-chan dove to the ground, hands over her head, and he could hear her sobbing now, even over the sounds of the pouring rain. Bending down, he pulled her up against him again, holding her as closely and as tightly as he dared, sending kisses up her jaw. He wouldn't let this storm hurt her.

But how to tell her that? No one seemed to believe him when he said he'd keep them safe.

“I love you.” he finally decided, speaking in clear English. She looked up at him, taken off-guard by this sudden honestly. He smiled at her, tenderly touching her cheek. “I do.” Then he kissed her again, determined to take her breath away this time. This was his last attempt to calm her fears a little.

If this failed... then he'd take her back inside. That much he promised himself. But he really hoped this would work. This way, he had told her how he really felt without that awkward silence that filled her family's huge house, and, in doing so, he could make one last effort to save her from fear.

They finally pulled apart, and Cassie-chan looked up at him. She was still crying, but the sobs were gone and she didn't seem so traumatized. “I... I...”

She seemed to be trying to say that she felt the same way. He didn't speak, but the clouds did.

BOOOOOOOOM!

She buried her face in his shirt again, holding him firmly. “I trust you and all, but... I wanna go back inside now, okay? Can I go inside now?”

He sighed. He'd failed. Well, he'd given it his best shot. Kagayaki took her hands in his, leading her back into the house. They were soaked and cold, and as the door shut behind them, Shelby-chan walked through the room. She looked tired as always, and had one hand on her stomach like she was hungry. But she stopped to look at them with a raised eyebrow.

Kagayaki put one hand behind his head and laughed nervously. “Sorry.” he said. “We all wet.”

Shelby-chan nodded, continuing on into the kitchen slowly. “Weirdos.” was the very quiet word she whispered as she left the room.

Kagayaki and Cassie-chan looked at each other, and, after a few moments, laughed. “Yeah, we're the weird ones, right?” Cassie-chan said, looking up at him. She pulled him into a sweet kiss, and sighed as she pulled away. “Thank you, Kagayaki. It means a lot to me that you would try and help me, but... I don't think there's anything we can do about my fear of storms. Now, I'm gonna go get into some dry clothes. You get some on too, alright?” She touched his cheek for just a second, and Kagayaki couldn't help but close his eyes at the gentle contact. “Don't get sick.”

He smiled as his eyes opened, nodding. “Okay.” he told her, watching her leave. Cassie-chan looked back to see that he hadn't moved at all. She laughed at him.

“Go on, silly!”

But he didn't. His eyes stayed glued to her until she was out of sight. Only then did he move towards the room they were letting him stay in to get some dry clothes.

So, he'd done a little bit of good after all, right?

~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~ - ~

“Kaki-kun!” his mother urged, bringing him out of his reverie by shaking his arm a little. Kagayaki looked over at her slowly, his eyes still full of nostalgia. “Are you alright?”

He smiled. “Yeah, just... remembering something.” he said, his eyes glancing over at the rain again. He could almost see them standing out in the front yard, lips locked in a kiss that would never leave him. “Remembering just how wonderful she is, that's all.

His mother sighed, patting his shoulder. “You'll see her again, Kaki-kun. I promise.”

Kagayaki nodded. “I know. But, until then, I miss her more than I can say.”

“I know the feeling.” she told him, making Kagayaki watch her as she went to the other side of the room. There sat his father, at the table, reading something with silver-rimmed glasses half-way down his nose. He heard his mother laugh gently, and his father looked up at her almost as if she had called his name. They had a connection that Kagayaki would never have believed before the truce his father and him had made. Now, he more than believed it. He loved it. “Hideo-san, your glasses.”

His father's eyes flashed with something he couldn't really understand, and the man pushed up his reading glasses dramatically with two fingers in a way that Kagayaki recognized from some animes and doramas he had seen. His mother giggled, leaning down to kiss her husband. “I'm so glad you're here.” These words were barely a whisper, but Kagayaki knew they were more than true.

His father's smile mirrored something Kagayaki remembered feeling on his own face – which was more like his father's than he'd ever been told. The two of them were happier together than he could have ever imagined, especially now that there was close to no arguing in the house now. They all got along on a simple truth: they were family and loved each other. All other problems faded away next to this impenetrable fact, and Kagayaki felt like he had a real family for the first time in his life.

And, with them trying to have another baby – from what his excited mother had said to him – this was going to be even more of a family soon. He was partially thrilled and partially scared. But, beside that all, he had begun to understand his father's reasonings more every day. He'd always wanted to forgive his father, but... fear of being left behind again was something that he couldn't have bore.

“I won't ever leave again, Freya. I promise.” his father's voice reached him, gentle and sweet. Kagayaki looked over to see his mother in the man's lap, their arms wrapped around one another. His mother had never been the sort to touch someone, but he could only guess that had been because the one person she had found most comfort in was never there. Now, he was, and Kagayaki realized that it wasn't so bad after all. He liked to see her annoy someone else about washing and cleaning properly for a change. Of course, she wasn't any easier on her son, but that meant he was finally able to look over at someone with the look that said 'wait, she wants us to wash our hands after every time?' and see the amusement in his father's eyes.

“I know you won't.” his mother whispered in reply.

With a crooked smile, Kagayaki turned away and stared out the window again.

Someday, he wanted those to very happy people to be him and Cassie.

'Aidou Cassie. Not half bad.' He thought with a smile as he leaned his head against the glass. 'And I think she'd love Japan... if only she were here! I miss her so much.'

[More than Music]

Chapter 9 – Family

I must not look back
I must not turn my back
On what I have become

I might stab my own heart
When I'm not looking

Because that's what I deserve

My actions after I left the ashes of what used to be the Aidous' home were stupid and unplanned. If I had known it would turn out the way it had, I would never have gone there. But, then, my logic was that I couldn't let someone else get their dirty hands on the only remaining proof of Kagayaki's life.

I should have just left a note and the lock box on their doorstep.

But I didn't. I felt I had to tell them that someone was going to find Kagayaki, probably the only one who would be without ill will.

And, in doing so, I nearly got myself killed.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

Standing there, the box under one arm, I knocked on the door that I had been told was where Kagayaki's parents were staying now. I heard sounds on the other side, any many locks clicking. Slowly, Hideo's face appeared, peeking out at me suspiciously. He didn't look pleased to see me. At all.

“We've been through enough.” he growled. “I don't want to see anymore of his friends. Go away.”

The door slammed in my face, making me jump, and I held up the box. “Wait!” I cried. “I found this and wanted to return it to you! It's a lock box... it was in your old house... or what was left of it.” He must have paused at first, but he opened the door nonetheless. I held it out to him. “It looks like someone broke into it, but most everything seems to be there... I think...”

I was trying not to sound sure.

He took it, kneeling on the step and shuffling through it. He was looking for something.

I knew what it was.

“Damn,” he cursed, looking up at me disappointedly. “The photo album, which had pictures of Kagayaki's entire life in it, is gone. Anything else in this box could have – eventually – been replaced. But not that. There is no way to get those pictures again.”

I looked at him, and he seemed to be waiting for something. For me to confess I had the album? No. I wouldn't. Look, I'm wasn't that much of a sap. I wanted what I wanted, even after all that had happened. The same stubbornness that held my hand firm when Kagayaki had begged me not to kill the people I had come across the world to kill, was again instilled in my mind. No, I wasn't going to give up as easily as that. 'Doesn't he understand? I'm stronger than that, I've proved that, haven't I? I'm smarter than him and I'm stronger willed than him. That's all there is to it.' I remember thinking.

So much for that.

Hideo watched me intently, completely still and completely quiet for some time. I moved not even a muscle as I could see him visibly building up energy, and Freya slipped outside just as he dove towards me. Jumping backwards, I managed to dodge him once. Just once. Then he grabbed my leg and twisted it hard. That was the moment I realized this wasn't the first time he'd gone after someone. Looking at him with shock as he held me down, something inside of me said that I would never get out of this on my own.

And that was something I'd never been the sort of person to admit.

“Help!” I found myself choking out. And, even though I wouldn't have expected it, it did. I couldn't tell between swings what was happening, but I felt someone beating the hell out of me. And then I heard a voice calling out.

“Dad!”

We both jumped up, and I saw – out of the corner of my eye – Freya standing, frozen with shock.

“Kagayaki!” I cried, leaping to my feet to run over to him, only to have Hideo grab me by the back of my shirt and throw me to the ground. He didn't move from where he stood, tense and angry. But, as I looked up at the man, I saw tears gathering in his eyes. I heard him whisper something to his son, and I could only guess that the boy understood, because he ran – limping – over to his father.

“Dad, no!” he said, pushing the man away from me but still holding him close. “Dad, look, I'm okay. Please, don't hurt my friend!”

Hideo was breathing shakily, as was Kagayaki. They both slid down to sit in the grass. I saw their chests heaving, lungs desperately trying to get air. “Son... I...” the man began, but he couldn't finish. “I'm... I'm sorry... I... I can't... I can't breathe...”

“Me... ei-either...” Kagayaki replied with a smile. After all this, he was still smiling! I couldn't believe it. Hideo and his son met eyes. “Yeah... I got... I got it from... from you...” I could see his eyes sparkling, and I could also see his father smile back at him, though weakly. Kagayaki looked up at me then, still grinning in his innocent, joyful way. His eyes flickered from each of us; first to me, then to his mother, then to his father again. “Everything is going to be okay.” He closed his eyes for a moment, took a deep breath, then sighed. “I saw her. Everything will be alright.”

I didn't understand. It wasn't until a few days ago that I did.

But that's not for this point in the story.

I remember slowly sitting beside him, looking at him with my face all bloodied up and my vision a little blurry. “What are you talking about?” I asked, but he just shook his head and laughed very softly, only repeating his last sentence. “How do you know that?”

“I just do.”

His mother, finally broken from her trance, ran to his side and embraced him, placing kisses all atop his head and on his forehead. It wasn't normal for their culture, but it was normal for a mother who hadn't, up until that moment, known if her child was alive or dead. “Oh, Kakikun, I was so worried!”

He just smiled at her. “It's okay, Mom. It's okay. I'm okay. Everything will be alright.” he assured her, but Freya was not so easily convinced.

“You're not going to leave again, are you?”

Kagayaki paused at that moment, a look painted across his face that all of us know well. It meant he needed to say one thing, but knew another thing would make her feel better. In this case, I knew it meant he knew the best thing would be to tell her 'yes I am' but he was afraid to do that, because that would make her even more worried. So the air just caught in his throat, caught between what was right and what he wanted. “Very soon.” was all he could manage at first. But this gave him confidence, just a little, even under our constant gazes. “I can't put you in any danger, Mom. I couldn't have anything bad happen to you. You can't get hurt because of me.” He smiled again, just for her, as tears filled her eyes. “Everything will be alright. I promise.”

Freya turned and ran back inside, unable to take much more of this, I knew.

How would any other mother react to so much turmoil in her son's life?

On the other hand, Hideo took it like it was a storm and he was shut outside to weather it head-on. “Son, I won't let you do this alone.”

Kagayaki acted as if this heroic statement, so over-said, had never been spoken. He simply met his father's eyes – I was shocked at how much he'd changed; he was no longer afraid to show his soul – and put a hand on Hideo's shoulder. “It'll be alright, Dad. I'm going to make sure you and Mom don't get hurt any more because of me. I promise.” With that, bracing himself on his father's shoulder, he rose. Turning to me, Kagayaki seemed to be making his final goodbyes. I thought this meant he wouldn't let me do what I had set out to do – to save him from everything that was happening to him.

But that's not what he did.

He smiled at me, that smile I rather wished I'd never seen at the time. Maybe it would have lessened my life's pain, I'd thought. No. It would have been much harder to deal with my fate, knowing no one had ever seen me as worth their life. Maybe that changed me. Maybe that made me look him in the eyes and say what I said next.

“Let me take you, far, far away from here. Where I can at least give you more time.”

I was expecting him to say no. I was expecting him to tell me 'I don't want you to get hurt either'.

But, no, he trusted me much more than that.

Instead, Kagayaki walked forwards and put a hand on my shoulder, and said something I know I recall with absolute accuracy: “Okay. I know I shouldn't want anyone to save me, after all I've done, but... I trust you, Morgan-san. And I know you'll do everything you can to do what you know I'd want you to.”

I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe those words at first.

But I knew we didn't have much time. So I swallowed down my confusion and my fear, trying to remain the strong person I'd worked my entire life to be. “Go say goodbye to your mother. I'll wait for you, but you know that we don't have much time.”

Nodding, Kagayaki bowed, silently telling me he wouldn't take long. After he disappeared inside, he shut the door. I heard Freya sobbing loudly, and I heard him trying to talk to her over the sound, then it became nearly silent. I could hear the sounds of traffic in the distance. Hideo and I didn't even look at each other; our eyes were locked on the door. Kagayaki slowly reappeared, his mother wiping away tears as she stood in the doorway. “Goodbye, father.” the boy whispered, bowing respectfully.

Hideo swallowed. “Goodbye.” he said, forcedly, bowing in return. Then he jumped forwards, wrapping his arms firmly around his son. “You come back to us, son, you hear me? You come back to us.”

I saw tears in Kagayaki's eyes as he shook his head, limp in his father's embrace. “I'm sorry. I won't.”

Hideo shook his head. “No, you have to.”

Kagayaki pushed away gently, turning his face from his father's vision. “We have to go. I love you. Always remember that.” These were the last words he would ever say to them.

The very last.

As I led my friend reluctantly from that house, I looked back several times. They were heartbroken, dragged through so much pain because of my unsatisfied need for revenge.

I'm sorry.

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Chapter 10 – Someday

Kagayaki sat, staring out the window. It'd been so long since he'd had time to think. Live was so crazy. All the fighting, the lawyer being over every other day, people trying to disturb them at home for what they thought he had done. Kagayaki hated this. He hated every moment of this. Sometimes he wished it was over. Sometimes he wished the pain would just stop for a few hours so he could get some sleep, maybe eat like he should, be able to walk without someone helping him and without his brace... And maybe call Cassie-chan.

Fingering his leg brace, Kagayaki sighed. It just wasn't fair that he had to stay away from Cassie for so long. It wasn't fair at all. He missed her so much, he could barely talk about it. He was going crazy without her...

“Kaki-kun!” his mother's voice rang. “Where are you?” She must have seen him there, in the living room, because she rushed to his side with a thankful smile. “Ah, there you are.” Gazing out the window beside him, she let out a long sigh. “I want to tell you something important.”

He stared up at her, interested. “What is it, mother?” he asked, unsure of what to expect. 'Important' could be either something very good, something very bad, or something one of them had to do. He wasn't sure which one would make him more excited. That was what all of this had done to him.

His mother put a hand on Kagayaki's shoulder, smiling gently down at him. “You're kind of lonely, aren't you, darling?” she asked. Still, he was not sure what to think, but a smile barely twitched at the edge of his full lips.

“Wha... what do you mean?”

She let out a knowing laugh, running a hand through her son's wild hair. A strange look came across her face. “Ah, you need a haircut, young man.” she told him. Kagayaki shook his head.

“No, I want to grow it out.”

This earned a sigh from his mother. “You never wanted to grow it out before. We always kept your hair short because it was so hard to care for...”

Kagayaki shook his head. “I always wanted to grow it out, but you never wanted me to. Now I'm deciding what I want. I want to grow it out.” he replied, very calm. “That's just what I want.”

She sighed again. “At least let me re-dye it or something.”

He smiled. “No, mom! The point is getting to have hair that has my roots showing. I never liked it before, but I'm not afraid of what other people think now. I've got to do what I like. Please let me.”

Nodding, his mother seemed to understand.

“Now, what were you trying to tell me?” he asked, scooting over so that there was room for her on the windowsill. The woman seemed to glow at this, taking a seat beside him and placing her hand on top of his.

“Kaki-kun,” she began, obviously wanting to go for a suspenseful approach. Kagayaki laughed, though the sound was weak. “The important thing I wanted to tell you, was...” She seemed to be bursting with this information. “We... we're trying to have another baby. Your father and I have decided.”

Kagayaki's mouth fell open. At first, he just didn't know what to say. He'd always been an only child. Yeah, sometimes he'd imagined it being differently, even hoped it would be different. But, now? Of all times? What had gotten into them? And, what about his mother? She had carried Kagayaki very young... the barely mature age of sixteen. But that didn't mean that she wasn't... a little bit old to be thinking of having more children. Kagayaki was a few good years into adulthood... But, then again, his father had only recently come home. Only a year or so ago. Perhaps this was their way of promising they would stay together. Oh, he hoped so! He never wanted them to be apart, ever ever again. It wasn't right to see the two of them without each other, now that he had seen how well they fit together. She needed him to help support her by giving her tiny gifts to remind her that he truly loved her, and he needed her to take care of the house to remind him that she loved him enough to take care of everything.

That was how they lived. Apart, they were moody, lonely, and reserved.

Kagayaki had to look away as tears filled his eyes without his consent. “That's wonderful.” he said, his throat thick with tears. “That's absolutely wonderful.”

She let out a tiny laugh of pure joy. “I know it is!” she cried, then her expression returned to the thoughtful, serious woman he had always known. “Now,” she continued. “We are being very careful. We know that the chances aren't good, and that there could be problems. So your father says to not get your hopes up. And don't think that means we'll take any less care of you--”

“It's fine, mother.” he whispered, little tears slipping down his face. She paused in her sentence, turning his face so he looked into her eyes. Kagayaki smiled gently, but she didn't seem convinced.

“What's the matter?”

He tried to laugh, but it only came out choked. “If I could tell you all that was the matter, mother, you would probably die from the pressure of it all.” he said, intending to joke, but she must have understood the seriousness in his voice; she gave him a firm hug. “I'm just worried about you, is all.” he added in a low voice, wrapping his arms around her gently. “I'll be okay.”

She leaned back, looking at him with concern. “What's really on your mind, Kaki-kun?”

Again, he threw his vision away from her. “I... It just reminds me of what I wanted for us. For... for me, and for Cassie-chan.” he told her honestly, trying to keep his smile even though it shook with sorrow. It eventually faded as he hid his face in her shoulder. “Oh, mother, I don't know what to do. I miss her so much.”

Sighing, she pulled him close. “It'll be okay.”

In time, he had learned so much from his mother. He had learned how to grow up without growing old, how to be 'okay' even when he didn't feel 'fine, and how to understand what he could. But, the biggest lesson she had ever taught him was how to finally let go of what he thought everyone else would think of him, and to let her see how he really felt – how to cry, how to really smile, how to be honest about the hardest things and how to understand even if he couldn't relate. These were lessons no one else could have taught him and things he would keep forever.

But he had hoped that, someday, he would pass those lessons on to someone who depended on him as much as he had depended on his mother. Someone who would trust him as much as he did her.

And, he had also half-hoped he could show someone just what kind of a father his could have been, if he'd been given the confidence that his mother had wanted to.

Maybe be the sort of father that was home more often than he wasn't.

It was a while before Kagayaki felt the tears were ready to stop. At last, he sat up straight and looked at her. “That doesn't mean I'm not happy for you. I want you and dad to be happy. I... I just don't know what I'm going to do.” he quietly explained. She smiled sadly at him. “I just wish my dreams would come true too.”

Again running her hand through his hair, his mother sighed. “They will. Someday. You still have plenty of time to let your dreams come true. Who knows... maybe you'll live as old as your namesake, your grandfather Kagayaki.” she encouraged, looked at him with her gentle, motherly gaze. Kagayaki shook his head.

“I don't know about that.” he said, in a calm but playful jest. “I couldn't survive that long, all alone, like he did. How long did he live after grandmother died?”

She thought for a moment before answering. “Twenty years. He was in his fifties when she passed away.”

“What happened anyway? How'd she die?”

His mother laughed knowingly. “Ah, yes. She died very peacefully.” she told him, only causing Kagayaki to raise an eyebrow in question. “I remember they stayed cooped up in their house for a week or so. When I called, he would always answer the phone, saying that they couldn't go anywhere. After a few days, he came to our house, calm but with big tears in his eyes. I asked him what the matter was, because it was rather late. He said that she had fallen asleep in his arms, saying she was very tired, and... He had just known in his heart she was gone.”

Kagayaki swallowed, taking his mother's hand. “I want something like that, mother. I want to love someone that much... to know when they are in trouble or when they are hurt. To know someone as well as I know myself. To love someone more than anything else in the world.” he told her, looking up to meet her eyes. “To love someone in a way that only God can give to you.”

With yet another sigh, she slowly got up, walking away from the window. Kagayaki didn't understand at first, but when she returned, it made sense to him. She held the phone out to him.

“That sort of love isn't so far away, Kaki-kun. All you have to do is make one phone call, and you'll find it.” she said, a sparkle in her eyes that he'd never seen before. “Just trust me. I think you know what the number is.”

After a moment of hesitation, Kagayaki's fingers found the numbers that made up Cassie-chan's cellphone number. Then he paused again, looking up at his mother. “Momma... I... What if she doesn't love me anymore?”

She laughed, ruffling his hair lovingly. “She does.” she told him. He began to protest with his worries, but she shook her head. “Trust me, okay? Trust me. Make the call.”

Kagayaki looked down at the phone as his mother went into the other room. He was alone with his fears.

Fear of rejection.

Fear of abandonment.

Fear of screwing up again.

Fear of hurting the person he loved most.

These thoughts haunted him but he couldn't let himself give up. Like he'd said, the first time he'd been getting ready to ask her on a date, hands on his head: “I can't wimp out this time!” This time wasn't any different. If he wimped out now, what did all this time of loving her count for? He had to call her and talk to her.

Maybe that would make everything here a little bit better. Maybe it would brighten up her day. Maybe hearing her voice, just hearing her voice would give him the courage he needed.

So he made the call. Slowly putting the phone to his ear, Kagayaki felt his heart pounding wildly as it rang. 'Please pick up... please pick up, Cassie...'

“Hello?” her beautiful voice finally reached him.

Kagayaki let out a sigh, trying to calm but only spending most of his air. “H-Hi.” he managed, breathless.

He heard a gasp. “KAGAYAKI!” she cried, and he pulled the phone away from his head a little as he breathed and let out a small laugh. “Oh my gosh! I've missed you so much!”

Hearing these words made him the happiest he'd been in a very long time. “I... missed you t-t-to.” he said, still having trouble speaking. “Cassie-chan... I missed you v-v-ry much.” he forced himself to add. “Daisuki.” It felt so good to tell her that he still had strong feelings for her, even though she didn't really understand the Japanese word for 'like'.

Cassie-chan laughed on the other end. “Me too!” she said. Kagayaki couldn't help but smile, leaning his head against the window. He felt like the happiest person in the world, just for a few moments. Every pain – just as he had hoped – was forgotten, non-existent for a short and wonderful period of time.

'Thank you, God. Thank you so much. Thank you for Cassie.' he silently prayed, closing his eyes. 'Thank you.'

“C-C--”

“How have you been?” she asked, obviously unaware he had been trying to speak. Then she noticed it. “Oh, I'm sorry! What were you saying?” Kagayaki sighed, starting to shake his head before he stopped himself.

'I can't wimp out, remember? No wimping out.'

“Cassie-chan... C-Can... Can you...” He wasn't getting anywhere. Just imagining her, sitting there, beautiful and wonderful, waiting for him to finish his stupid sentence, was enough to make him snap out of it. “Can you come see me?” He started to play with the string hanging out of the seam on his shirt, trying to distract himself so that he wouldn't sound too nervous.

There was silence for a while. He felt himself nearly suffocating from the pressure of this moment.

Maybe he shouldn't have called at all.

Then she laughed, and he felt his entire body calm. He closed his eyes, letting in the sound like he always did, now that he hadn't seen her in so long. “Sure I can!” she cried, and Kagayaki's eyes shot open.

“W-W-What 'b-bout you... okaasan?” he asked, shocked. “What 'bout you mom?”

“Kagayaki, I'm old enough to make my own decisions now, remember?”

Then he realized... she wasn't sixteen anymore. She was probably about eighteen or nineteen now. He wondered if she had changed... if she was prettier now, if she looked more grown-up, if that adorable little smile of hers had been smashed out by adulthood.

He hoped he'd be able to recognize her!

“Ah... sorry...” he muttered, reaching up to run a hand through his hair nervously. “So... you come soon, yah?”

“Of course!” she sang, almost as if it were crazy to think she wouldn't.

“Me... get... you... your...”

Cassiechan laughed. “You mean you want to buy the plane ticket for me?” she confirmed. Kagayaki smiled. How did she understand him so well? How? It was amazing of her to be able to tell what he meant through the garble of the language gap between them.

“Yeah.” he said, not knowing what else he could say.

“No, I can't let you do that. I'll take care of it. I can pay for it myself.” she told him.

“No... wan... want to... care of ... you.”

Another laugh that made his entire life seem brighter. “It's fine, Kagayaki. It's fine. Thank you, but no.” she pressed, though her tone was soft. “It'll be fine. I'll see you soon, okay?”

Kagayaki sighed, but he smiled and nodded. “Yeah. Daisuki.”

“Me too!”

His smile grew. She really had very little idea of what he meant by that, but it was okay. He loved her for it.

Yes... he loved her... didn't he? “I mean... I love you, Cassie.” he said, surprising himself with such good English.

There was a short pause, and he closed his eyes, waiting... “I love you too.” she said, though she sounded a bit unsure. Kagayaki's eyes opened, but he was reassured when he heard a small laugh on the other line. A few words reached him over the thousands of miles that meant more than she knew they did: “I love you so much.”

This took his breath away.

“I'm gonna go now, okay? Take care of yourself!” she half-commanded, but he heard her smiling. “Uh... Jaa ne! Bye-bye!”

He couldn't stop smiling. “Jaa ne.” he whispered. CLICK! She was gone. Kagayaki slowly lowered the phone into his lap and sighed, unable to make his foolish grin go away. His mother slipped back into the room, beaming.

“So?”

Kagayaki laughed, handing the phone back to her. “Thank you, mother. Thank you for making me do that.” he told her, looking out the window again. “Yes... I think God is happy with Cassie and me.” His deep brown eyes shifted over to his mother. “She's going to come see us.”

A gentle smile came onto her face. “Very good.”

“She's probably eighteen or nineteen now... can you believe that?” he asked, half only voicing his thoughts.

She only smiled in response, knowing he would continue.

“W...When she comes, I...” The words didn't come as easy as the thoughts did. “I'm going to... I'm going to ask her to marry me, mother.” For some reason, she didn't seem very surprised. Like she'd known this would be his decision. “I really am. I don't want to lose her, I don't want her to ever go away again. I never want to have to let her go or be without her.” Kagayaki looked out the window. “I feel so lost and lonely without her. Without God, and you, and dad, I don't know what I'd do if I lost her.”

“I think she feels the same way about you.” was the only comment his knowing mother said as she walked away. Kagayaki followed her with his eyes, watching her as she met his father in the kitchen doorway. The man smiled at his wife, taking her in his arms. She laid her head against his shoulder, then leaned up just enough to kiss his lips. Kagayaki barely caught her next words: “Our son is finally growing up, Hideo-san.” His father nodded, their faces remaining only inches apart. “And he's so much like you were. He'll sweep her off her feet, just like you did me.”

His father laughed gently, and they moved into the other room. Kagayaki smiled to himself, leaning his head against the glass of the window again, staring out into the neighborhood that hated him so much. He would take Cassie far away from here, where no one would hate either of them for who they were, what they might have done, or for being in love.

Someday, he would be able to capture Cassie's heart the way that his father had his mother's.

Someday, Cassie would be the one, excited over the prospect of a baby.

Someday, he would take her in his arms and they would think about how they were the happiest people in the country, all across Asia, all across America, all over the world.

And no one else would be able to take it away from them.

[More than Music]

Chapter 11 – Heaven

You make it seem so
okay
But I know it's not all
okay

Please, tell me you forgive me
one more time
And let me be free

Your smile hurts as much as it makes me feel good

I remember what happened next... I took Kagayaki somewhere before we left, to a place that had a lot of memories surrounding it, for both of us. Somewhere I would have wanted him to take me, if it had been my last days on the earth.

As we drew nearer to our destination, I looked over at Kagayaki. He'd barely looked up from the ground since we'd left his parent's home. Putting a hand on his shoulder, I tried to console him, but he only glanced up at me with a pained smile.

“I'm fine,” he assured me, but we both knew it wasn't true. He shook his head, and I withdrew my hand. He didn't want me to make him feel better. He'd just lost everything... everything but his life.

And we both knew it wasn't long until someone tried to take that from him.

Sighing, I just kept walking. I couldn't help but think about what Karyu had said to me. “You thought he'd get off the case that easily and not have people after him? What's interesting, is, who they saw out here. I think you'd recognize one of them, Morgan-san. He is your father after all.” I shivered, thinking of what could happen to my friend if my father found him. Kagayaki had been through so much already... he didn't deserve to feel the wrath intended for me. Especially not from my father.

“It's gonna be okay, Morgan-san.” I heard Kagayaki said, and I could tell that he'd decided I was the one who needed cheering up. A smile came across his face that hadn't been there for a while, full of genuine happiness and something else I couldn't recognize. “Trust me. I saw her. Everything's gonna be just fine.”

Squinting my eyes a little in confusing, I watched him. “What are you talking about? Kagayaki-kun, nothing going to be fine. Nothing. There's people coming to kill you. How could anything be fine? And...” I tried to force the frustration out of my voice. “Who are you talking about?”

Kagayaki laughed, coming over and wrapping an arm around my shoulders. His eyes narrowed conspiratorially. “Don't tell,” he whispered, obviously trying to insert humor into a situation that had been sucked dry of joy. “But I saw someone... someone that reminds me that God doesn't want me to be afraid of death.” He leaned his head back a little to laugh again. I didn't understand.

Of course, now I do, but at the time I was damn confused.

“Who?”

He shook his head again, pulling me a bit closer into a sort of one-arm hug. “I can't say.”

I sighed. “Why not?” He loved to torture my intelligent mind until it broke, simply because he knew exactly what I hated: guessing games. “Come on, tell me. I promise I won't tell.”

This story breaks that promise, but I think he would understand.

Kagayaki smiled so broadly, I couldn't help but let this contagious expression catch onto my face. “Okay, I'll tell you,” he said, and I found myself laughing gently with the irony of how easy it was to break his will sometimes. Especially when he wanted to tell. He pulled me a bit closer, as if the empty landscape would hear him. “I saw Beautiful-chan.” he whispered in a low voice, then let out a sound that remarked an excited squeak.

He had been the only man in his twenties I knew who would 'squee'.

I raised an eyebrow. “Beautiful-chan?” I asked. Of course, this was the 'Beautiful-chan' I've referenced before, and I knew that. But... how? Why? She lived in America. How had he seen her? “I don't get it.”

Well, I was being honest.

Looking a little shocked, Kagayaki sighed, ruffling my hair. “She came here, to see me! And we--” He seemed to swallow the next words, stumbling a bit as he walked, almost as if he were in a daze of some sort. It worried me a bit. “I just... I love her so much.”

I didn't understand. “You what?”

Kagayaki looked at me. “I love her.”

Shaking my head, I realized my question wasn't worded very well. “You started to say something. You said 'and we', then stopped. You what?” I asked, trying to be more specific. Kagayaki blushed a bit.

“Never mind.”

With a sigh, I looked around. We were here. “Look, Kagayaki-kun. Look.” I said, turning him to look at the view spread before us. His face was taken over by surprise and our eyes met for a moment. “Yes, we're here. Where I first told you about God, remember?” He nodded, looking around at the sandy beach. “You were upset about something...”

“I was upset because my father was trying to tell me what I could and couldn't do.” he told me with a laugh. “Yeah, I remember. That was during the time where we were still trying to get along. We'd made amends a long time before that, but... there was still the tension, you know?” Kagayaki looked at me, nostalgia clouding his thoughtful brown eyes. “Why'd you bring me here?”

I found myself smiling of my own accord for the first time in months. “I just wanted to stop and remember,” I told him, sitting down on the sand and staring into the salty waves lapping at the shore. He smiled back at me and took a seat beside me. “It's been a long time since we've been here, hasn't it?” Kagayaki nodded, closing his eyes and letting in the smell of the sea.

“That was one of the best days of my life, did you know that?” he quietly asked me, not opening his eyes. I stared out into the wide expanse of ocean, actually not surprised.

“Learning about God?” I confirmed. He nodded. I smiled again. “I never felt that way about God, you know. We never had that... connection.” Kagayaki's eyes slowly opened now.

“You should.”

“I know,” I replied, frowning a bit now. “But it's not as easy for me as it is for you. You don't get it, some people just aren't as close to God as others.”

He shook his head. “No, you don't understand. I think you think God doesn't love you, because of what's happened to you and what you've done.” he said, laughing. “And doesn't His Book tell you that's not true, Morgan-san?” Deep brown eyes sparkled at me, trying to let me see the good that was still inside of me. I just sighed, and he saw I wouldn't believe him that easily. “Listen, what's that one part I like...”

“A passage, you mean?” I corrected, unmoved but curious. “What book is it in?”

“Psalms... That's my favorite one.” he told me with a smile that I managed to return. “Here,” He pulled out a tiny travel Bible and handed it to me. “Look in Psalms and flip through it until you get to the.. the fifties. Somewhere in there.” I obeyed, finding a circle around a certain passage.

“Psalms 52:8?” I asked, looking up. He nodded.

“Read it to me.”

A half-smile came across my face as my eyes returned to the page. I slowly read it out: “But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God's unfailing love for ever and ever. ” I looked up at him to see my friend's eyes closed again, and he was slowly nodding in agreement.

“Amen,” he quietly voiced in English. Then he looked at me. “Go to... Psalms... one hundred thirty and keep flipping it until you see another one.” he suggested, winking. “I have another one for you.”

My smile remained as I obeyed, finding a circle around one more passage. “Psalms 136:2?” He smiled.

“Read that one to me too.”

I cleared my throat, shifting a little as I read aloud. “Give thanks to the God of gods. His love endures forever.” I said, clearly, finding myself automatically glancing up at Kagayaki to see his reaction. He was still smiling.

“I like that one. My friends don't though.” he told me. I nodded, understanding. Shinto, the primary religion of Japan, dealt with many gods – called “kami” - , though these sorts of gods were different from the typical god. They were fundamental elements of life, such as wind, rain, earth, fertility, and so on. No one force was more important. There were no absolutes in Shinto. So one force being 'the God of gods', no doubt made many worshipers of the common faith offended.

Being a Christian was one of the few ways Kagayaki deviated from the ordinary here, and one of the fewer ways he went against what other people thought he should.

Our eyes met for a second, and I was shot back to the day I had followed Kagayaki to this very place, a time that seemed farther away than it really was.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

“Kagayaki-kun!” I cried, running behind. “Wait!” He was more angry than I'd ever seen him. “Wait!”

“Leave me alone.” he muttered, the hood of his jacket pulled over his face. “I just want to be alone.”

Sighing, I grabbed his shoulder. “No you don't.” I told him, and he looked at me for a moment. “You hate to be alone. Come on, I know I've only been your friend for a while, but... don't lie to me.” Kagayaki's face softened and he pushed my hand away. “What's the matter with you?”

He shook his head, turning away. “I don't like this. I don't like anything that's going on here. I hate being at home. I want to go back to America and live with C--” he froze, looking at me, then swallowing and trying again. “Beautiful-chan.”

Why did he not say her name? It made me wonder, but I was sure he had his reasons. Was it because he really didn't trust me, or was it because of something he had told her? Maybe it was because of reasons that only made sense to him. Kagayaki had matters he spoke about, and matters he simply didn't.

Maybe this was one of those matters.

But that didn't help any of his actions make sense. I'd come to his house, only to have him push me out of the way as he walked all the way to Chiba Bay. It just wasn't like him to be so rude and not explain himself. I didn't understand and I was determined not to let him just walk away. I grabbed the sleeve of his jacket. “Problems are everywhere, Kagayaki-kun. You can't run away from them.” I said, sternly. I saw a flicker of fear in his eyes that made me release him, but my mind was made up. He would explain himself. “Now, what happened?”

He looked down, pointedly avoiding my vision as he usually did. “That man... that man expects me to respect him and obey him, even if he doesn't really care about me.” he muttered. “It's not fair, and I can't believe Momma lets him.”

I sighed, shaking my head. “Is that all this is? Your dad is telling you what to do again? Kagayaki-kun, sooner or later you'll have to accept him and get it over with. Trust me. Just do what he asks you to and give up this fighting stuff.” I told him, leaning down to search for his eyes beneath the hood. “It won't make you any happier to try and keep him from being above you. You weren't the man of the house. Your mother needed a man in her life. That's what he's gonna be. Just... deal with it.”

Kagayaki turned away. “You don't get it.”

Laughing mockingly, I took hold of his shoulder. “You think I don't get how it feels to have a man invade your house and tell you what's what when it's not? Kagayaki-kun, I went through the same thing, except that man was a bastard that didn't really love my mother at all. Listen,” I pressed, shaking him a little so that he looked up at me. “You're lucky. Yeah, he abandoned you, but he's back and he's sorry and he's trying to make things better. And you have one major thing that I never had.” He wasn't responding, so I shook him again. “Kagayaki-kun, he loves you, and he loves your mom. Can't you see that? Can't you just accept what you have and not make it seem like less than it is?”

“Who are you to be drilling me about accepting stuff?” he asked me in a low voice. It wasn't until the words slipped out that he realized what he was saying, and a look of shock at his own actions came across his face and he took a step back. “Look, I'm sorry, I just...” He swallowed, staring at the sea. “I just... I don't understand anything that's going on here. I don't like it. It's hard, it's confusing, and it feels strange to actually have a family again. To have a father.”

I looked at him sympathetically, motioning with my head for him to follow me as I walked along the edge of the water. The waves were echoing the sun's glory as it faded from sight, and the pink light was falling upon our faces as we talked. “Yeah, I know I'm not much of a judge on this situation, but... still. Your dad loves you. He's here now. And he wants to help. All you have to do is let him. If I had that... Kagayaki, I'd give the world to have that.” I said, and I saw him nod a bit.

“I know. But it's not as easy as it seems. I mean, if he'd always been here, it wouldn't be so hard now--”

“Yeah it would.” I corrected, my hands slipping into my pockets. “Everyone goes through that stage where they get into lots of arguments with their parents. It's the point where they start becoming their own person.” I sent him a smile I hoped was comforting. “It means you're growing up and becoming responsible for yourself. It'll turn out okay, I promise.”

“I just feel like every thing's out of control. I don't have anything to hold onto in situations like this. All I have is them right now.” he confessed, and something stirred in me.

Something that proved to be a testimonial spirit, as dumb and fake as that sounds.

And it changed both of our lives forever.

“Kagayaki-kun...” I began. It always feels weird to talk to non-Christians about God, which is strange, because it should be the most prominent thing on our tongues, according to the Bible. But it just isn't as easy as they say it should be. “Do you know about... Kami-sama?” This, of course, I felt the need to repeat in English, a way he used his entire life from that point on. “God?”

He looked at me with interest. “I've heard of him, but I don't really understand what sort of kami he is.”

I sighed. “He's not like kami.”

This made Kagayaki's eyes sparkle with something that I hadn't known before then, but I know now was the side of him that had always been made to known God. “What do you mean? Is there any other sort of god than a kami?”

Unable to suppress a smile from his simple outlook on all things spiritual, I put a hand on his shoulder. “There are plenty of other gods than kami. You don't hear much about that sort of thing, do you?” He shook his head, shrugging.

“Momma only talks about Shinto.”

I sighed again. “Well, that's amazing.” I said, sarcastically. “Anyway, God... he's pretty cool.” I could see the interest in his eyes. He sat down on the sand, gesturing for me to join him there.

“Can you tell me lots about him?” he asked. I couldn't help but laugh.

“Sure can,” I replied.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

“Morgan-san?” I looked up at Kagayaki. He was leaning towards me with a gentle smile. “You okay?”

I smiled, nodding. “Yeah, I'm fine.” I felt Kagayaki's concerned hand on my shoulder. I shook my head this time, putting my hand on top of his. “I'm okay, really. I was just... remembering something. Let's go, before we get comfortable and never leave this beach.” Smiling, Kagayaki nodded. I saw him begin to get up and jumped to my feet, extending a hand. He looked a little surprised. “Your leg.” was all I had to say. He smiled, nodding again.

“I know, I know,” he sighed. “It's a pain.” He took my hand and I pulled him up. “Thank you.”

“You're welcome,” I told him.

Giving the sandy shore one last glance, we took in the memories this place had given us. Kagayaki sighed, making me look over at him. “You know, when I imagine Heaven, to this day... I still picture this place.” he confessed, meeting my eyes. “And you there, talking to me like I'm as smart as you are. I wish I felt like that more often.”

I sighed. “The world's a cruel place.”

“Yeah, I know.” he told me.

I closed my eyes as we walked away, putting my hand on his shoulder once again. “I'm sorry.”

--------------------------

Chapter 12 – Kisses

Kagayaki looked around nervously, his heart pounding. He held his cellphone close, hoping, praying...

'God, please... please bring her to me safely...' He closed his eyes, repeating this over and over in his head, just waiting...

His phone rang, the sudden sound making him jump, but he was glad. It was her. He answered it and put it to his ear. “Moshi-moshi?” he said, the sound slurred with his excitement. “Cassie-chan?”

Her laugh reached him through the line, closing his eyes again. “I'm here, where are you? Hurry up, I'm getting anxious!” she teased, and Kagayaki felt a smile coming across his worried face.

“Okay.” he told her, glancing around. He entered the building slowly. He hated going places with lots of people... Ever since the trial he'd never been able to go anywhere without being found out. And no one liked seeing someone they thought had killed five innocent people. 'I'm coming, Cassie...' Kagayaki's eyes darted from person to person frantically until he saw her. The bright red, wavy hair stood out against the crowd, and he felt the sight of her taking his breath away.

She looked so beautiful...

He rushed to her side, immediately kissing her with all the emotion he'd hidden these long years. “Kagayaki...” she breathed, her arms finding a way around his neck. He held her close, his hands on her waist. “I missed you so much!” They laid their foreheads against each other, eyes closing at the same time. “I'm so glad you're okay.”

Kagayaki knew he was far from okay. His leg hurt worse than it had in a long time – mostly because his mother would never have let him run like that – and he felt a surge of pain with every breath. No, he definitely wasn't okay. But he felt like he was, because he was with her, after so long. “I missed you too.” he whispered, smiling at her as he pulled her away from the ocean of judging eyes around them. The fresh air felt so nice, and Cassie's head laying on his shoulder made him feel still better.

They stood there on the sidewalk, just swaying in each other's arms, for some time. Kagayaki didn't keep track of how long she was in his arms. It didn't matter. In that moment, there was no time limit on bliss, and he was taking advantage of that.

After a while, Cassie looked up a little, bright blue eyes looking around at the populated street. He didn't follow her gaze, only watching her face as she surveyed the world around them. 'They're not as lucky as we are. I wish Momma could be here... But I had to leave. With people trying to burn down the house... I just didn't know what to do. All I could think of was to leave, so they wouldn't get hurt.'

Unable to stop himself, Kagayaki kissed Cassie again. She didn't seem to mind, smiling into the kiss. When she finally pulled away, she laughed. “Kagayaki, this reminds me of that one time... remember? I was upset because I'd baked cookies for Shelby and she threw the plate at me? You came over to my house right away, and we tried to make another batch.” she said, laughing again. “We didn't get a lot of baking done, did we?”

Kagayaki smiled. “No... but lots of kisses.” he replied, capturing her lips yet again. He looked around, the smile not fading from his face. He was so happy, he never wanted to let her go again, should she slip away from him forever. No one was going to take her away from him. Not if he could do anything about it. “Where you staying?”

Cassie withdrew one hand from around his neck to point towards a hotel not far away. “There. Room 236b.” she told him, sending him a crooked smile. “You know, it's hard to be in Japan and not know how to read Japanese, but there's some really nice people here who understand.” She wrapped both arms around his neck again and laid her head back where it belonged, against his chest. “It's so pretty here... Can I just come and live with you?”

Feeling a lump in his throat, Kagayaki felt suffocated for a moment before he swallowed hard. “Cassie...” he began, tears filling his eyes. “You can't.”

She looked up at him with confusion. “What do you mean? Why not?”

He made himself look away. “I... I...” He closed his eyes, took a deep breath, and tried to summon the English words. “Someone come for me. You get hurt. No... no let that happen.” Cassie shook her head, but Kagayaki could only kiss her cheek gently. “I... I have to go... Just wanted see you... once more.”

Cassie shook her head again, and he could see she was beginning to cry. “No... that's... that's horrible. Who would do something like that?” she asked, and Kagayaki couldn't look at her. “Kagayaki... you didn't really do that stuff they think you did, right? You're innocent, aren't you?” She stared up at him, waiting. “Kagayaki?”

It was getting hard to breathe, but he pulled her closer, burying his face in her shoulder. “Please... can't talk here...” he whispered to her neck. She nodded, and stepped away, making him look at her.

“Come with me.” She took his hand in hers, the touch having an incredible power over him, and he didn't take his eyes off of her as she led him to her room in the hotel. Their hands separated as she closed all the curtains and locked the doors. Then she returned to him, pulling him so close that it sent sensations through his entire body with the contact. “Tell me. Tell me everything. Please.”

With a long sigh, Kagayaki pulled her towards the bed. They sat beside each other, the tension of this moment making him a bit stiff. So he did. He told her what she'd asked to hear, even as he saw the tears filling her eyes and slipping down her face. He told her who the real killer was, what had really happened, and how Morgan-san hadn't wanted him to do it. Cassie looked away as Kagayaki tried to tell her that Morgan-san, besides what he'd done, wasn't a bad person. He turned her cheek so that their eyes met, but she didn't seem to want to look at him. Kagayaki felt his stomach in knots with this.

“Cassie-chan... please...”

“How can you say that?” she demanded, pushing his hand away. “After all he did, after how much it hurt you? How can you tell me that he's not some horrible person? He killed people, Kagayaki. And if that doesn't make you mad, I... I just don't know what to say.”

Kagayaki looked down, clasping his hands together in his lap. “I sorry. No... not mad with Morgan-san.” he admitted, stealing a glance at her before looking down again. “I--”

“And, after what he did, how could you want to cover for him? Kagayaki, I don't understand!”

He sighed again, looking away. “I sorry.”

Cassie reached up and made him look into her eyes. In hers, Kagayaki saw fear, tears, and anger. Maybe even hate. “You don't get it. I'm not mad at you. I just can't believe you would have gone through all this for a friend, any sort of friend.”

Kagayaki shook his head. “He not just friend.” he told her, turning back to her. “He... he tell me bout God, Cassie-chan. He did... I... I so glad he did. Want keep him safe.”

She leaned forwards and kissed him. “You're so wonderful, sometimes I don't know if it's worth it.” she told him, running her hand through his hair. She stared up at him with almost wonder. “So... people are coming after you. Just tell everyone the truth.”

He laughed half-hearted, shaking his head again. “No. No hurt Morgan-san.”

“Kagayaki,” she said, very seriously. “they burned down your house, trying to kill you. They're gonna try again... to kill you.”

He nodded, taking a deep breath and slowly letting it out. “I know.” He looked over at her. “That why can't stay.” Kagayaki got up, and Cassie followed him, grabbing his hand as he tried to leave.

“Wait!” she cried, and this sound made him stop. He heart was aching, but he knew he shouldn't stay and put her into any more danger than he had. “Please... don't let it end like this.”

Turning to her slowly, he looked at her with a weary expression. “How else?”

She sighed, letting go of his hand and twisting one of her gorgeous red curls. “I... I don't know... I just don't want you to leave yet.”

Kagayaki couldn't help but smile, taking her in his arms and kissing her again. “What want me do, make better ending?” he whispered, laying his cheek against hers. She took his hands in hers and they stood there for a few minutes, dancing gently. When he tried to pull away – though he really didn't want to – she wrapped her arms around his waist. This always took his breath away... he couldn't help it. It felt amazing to have her pull him near. “Can't stay, Cassie-chan.”

Cassie pulled him back towards the bed. “I wouldn't let anyone else do this... and I wouldn't even let you, if it weren't for the fact that... I think this is the last time I'll ever see you, and I want to have something. I don't want to ever forget how this feels.” she whispered, kissing him deeply. Kagayaki placed his hands over hers in their hold around his waist.

“What you mean?” he asked, breathlessly. As their eyes met, he thought he understood. He didn't know if he was ready for that sort of a thing, but... she was right. He wanted her to remember this forever. And, if he was never going to see her again... Yes. Maybe he could take a chance and love someone right for once in his life. He kissed her, laying her down on the bed. “I love you.”

When he finally had a concept of time again, the sun had set and it was getting dark in the room. Kagayaki sat up, looking around. He turned to look at Cassie. Sleeping. Smiling gently, he placed a kiss on her lips and moved to get up. She moved a bit, then leaned forwards and took his hand in hers. Kagayaki glanced back, seeing a tired look on her face. “Wait. Don't go.” she whispered. He smiled more, kissing her again. “Please, stay with me.”

“Can't. You know that.” he told her, reaching for his clothes. While he got dressed, Cassie didn't show any sign of wanting to get up. Not until he started towards the door.

“Wait...” she moaned, slipping back into her own clothes and coming over to him. For a moment, she just looked into his eyes, then she kissed him desperately. “I'll miss you... I'll miss you so much.”

He nodded. “Will miss you.” He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her close, tears slipping down their cheeks. “Will... always love you.”

“I'll always love you too.”

Kagayaki wasn't sure how long they were there, but he somehow managed to tear himself away from her, kissing her again before turning away. Something made him stop there, turn around, and take her hand in his. “Know it too late... but... want you have.” he said, opening her palm and placing something very small and precious into it, closing her hand with a sad and gentle smile. “Keep safe.”

Cassie's eyes went wide when she saw the beautiful ring he had given to her. “What's this?”

He sighed, looking down. “Was... wanted ask you m-m-marry me.” he explained, kicking his foot at the cheap carpet. “But... too late.”

She shook her head, kissing him passionately. “No, it's not too late.” she told him, slipping it onto her ring finger. She paused, laughing. “It fits! It fits perfectly! How'd you know?”

Kagayaki felt a blush on his cheeks. “Secret.” was all he would say.

Another eruption of beautiful laughter, and another kiss. “God's a good God. He'll consider it done.” she said, looking up at him softly. “We don't need anything but this.” Kagayaki held her close to him, not wanting to let go. “I love you. Please... please take care of yourself.”

“Love you too.” he said. Leaning back, he placed a kiss on her cheeks, then on her eyelids, the one last one on her lips before releasing the love of his life. “Goodbye.”

Turning away at that moment was the hardest thing he'd ever had to do. Walking away was even harder. And not running back to her sent a flood of tears down his cheeks. He found himself picking up his pace once he was out of the hotel, knowing he had to get home before they found him.

He had to say goodbye to his parents. One last time.

[More than Music]

Chapter 13 - Discovered

If they'd never killed you
You would not be dead
If they'd never found you
What could you have said?

I can't keep this at bay
I can't sleep now anyway

Something about the way he talked to me during those last few days sticks in my memory. So many times, I saw him change before my eyes, and I still wonder what would have happened if he could have changed the people who come to kill him that night.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

The last scene I described to you was when Kagayaki and I left that beach in hope of finding safety in my home, from the people who were trying to kill him.

You know well that they were, eventually successful. But what you don't know is what went on between this disappearance, and his death.

This nearly the last piece to my story, and it is very important.

If you are still reading, now is not the time to look away. The world, in its nasty, unforgiving way, has kept your attention for all these years. I won't be much longer.

This is the most honest attempt I've made in my life.

I remember walking quite far until we were at the place I'd been staying for... I honestly don't know how long. It was not well-furnished, nor large; it was a one room cabin with a single bed, a desk in one corner, three small and dusty windows, and a bathroom smaller than any I'm sure you've ever been acquainted with.

It was big enough for me to live in, to hide in.

Leading Kagayaki inside, I could see that he was completely exhausted. I locked the door carefully and gestured towards the bed. “Get some rest, Kagayaki-kun.” I told him. He sent me a smile that showed how weary he was, and had just began to go over when he stopped to look at me.

“Wait... you're tired too.” he said, his voice airy. “I don't want to take your bed. You need to sleep as much as me.”

A sad smile swept across my face. “No, it's fine,” I assured him. “I'll wait. After you're done, I'll take a turn.” This seemed to make him feel a bit better. I watched him kick off his shoes and slowly lay down on the bed as I sat down at the small wooden desk.

After a few moments, I looked over to see him breathing evenly, eyes gently closed. I felt myself smiling again. For some reason, it made everything a little better to see him sleeping soundly. Especially since I had no idea when the last time he'd gotten a good amount of rest was. Sure, he'd been at home for a while, but with all the tension... I could only imagine what he must have been through.

I couldn't believe it. After all this time, this was how it would end. It wasn't fair.

Getting up, I went to one of the windows and rubbed a spot in the dust just big enough to stare out of. I let out a long sigh, trying to fight the tears. I wasn't going to let all of this make me cry, right? I was stronger than that.

But all of this made me feel so weak... like I was completely helpless in all that I was a part of, now that I had the decisions I had made before. Now I had no control over what happened to me. I had no say as to whether or not anyone lived or died from here on out.

Though it didn't seem fair, it was. In the moment I had paused before killing them, I held the fate of so many people in my hands. More than I had any idea, I had the power to change everything.

And I didn't. I let all of that power slip through my fingers.

Now, God was punishing me for it. Showing me what I could have done and waving it in my face.

God is like a good parent; He lets bad things happen to you so you'll learn, even though He's always there, and He hands you the opportunity to better the world, even if you're too stupid to take it. If you don't do what He knows you should, He reminds you, over and over and over. So you learn, and so you can spread the knowledge.

Yes, He's the wonderful parent I never realized I had.

Kagayaki stirred, making me look over. I saw him staring up at me with sleepy eyes, a tired smile on his face. “Morgan-san...” he yawned, “You still believe in God, don't you?”

I smiled gently. “More than ever, Kagayaki-kun. More than ever.” 'And it's all because of you,' I wanted to say.

This seemed to satisfy the reason he'd awoken, because once he nodded, he laid back down and slept some more. Yes, it's all due to him that I write this today, however painful it is becoming. I want to tell you that this part is harder for me to write than any other.

Because my true sin is just revealing itself.

Hours later, I was becoming rather drowsy, but refused to wake my friend. Glancing over, I saw he hadn't moved whatsoever, and looked so peaceful I just... I just couldn't disturb him. He deserved it.

Then I heard a sound outside. I jumped, slowly moving over to the desk. In the top drawer, there was a pistol, one much like the one used for the killings. I always kept my gun there. 'For safety purposes,' I'd often told myself, but I knew all the while that it was in case someone came after me and I had to kill again to cover it up. But, at the same time, I didn't know if I'd be able to fire a gun again without all my guilt swallowing me up like a crashing wave of justice.

No, I would have to, I reminded myself, my eyes falling on Kagayaki once more. I wasn't just in for myself this time. There were two of us here, and one of us needed protection more now than ever.

And I told myself I couldn't let him down again.

Another sound, and this time Kagayaki leapt up from the bed. His eyes were wide and he looked around like the room was full of people. “Morgan-san,” he moaned, grabbing his shoes and slipping them on. “I... I can't stay here...” I shot forwards, grabbed him by his shirt, and threw him under the desk. He looked even more shocked, but he remained quiet as I reached into the drawer and retrieved my pistol. “What are you doing?” he whispered, and I met his frightened eyes, my own blue eyes calm as the dead but my heart pounding wildly. “Y-you-you--”

“Stay there, shut the hell up, and stay calm, alright?” I hissed, making sure the gun was loaded. “Listen, we both know what's out there, and why they're here. So don't put us both into any more danger than necessary, okay?”

I saw his lips trembling, but he nodded, withdrawing into the dark and cramped space beneath the desk.

I looked around slowly. Seeing a black figure out the window, I aimed and fired at it without thinking. My instinct was taking over again. I saw it dodge the bullet, falling to the ground in a practiced movement. Narrowing my eyes with confusion and concentration, I made sure I was still breathing. Sometimes, when I got into this sort of mode, I forgot important things. Like drawing in air.

A bullet came my way, but I dodged it just as well as my adversary, slipping against the wall. By then, I was definitely breathing. And fast, uneven breaths at that. “Who are you?” I demanded into the open space.

“Ethan Morgan.” a strong voice replied.

I felt my whole body freeze, even the blood flowing through my veins froze in terror. So Karyu had been right. My father was involved in the group of people who were trying to kill Kagayaki.

“Satoru Shimizu and Hanako Yamamoto are with me.” he continued. I tried to breathe again. So there were only three of them. I told myself I could take three of them. No problem right?

Wrong.

Satoru wasn't trained by anyone but my father – who was an excellent teacher when teaching just about anything he knew -, but Hanako and my father had learned their fighting and shooting skills from higher places, and turned out to be powerful foes.

I couldn't have taken just the two of them.

“Clarence,” Ethan began, “you drop your weapon and promise not to shoot, and we won't shoot either. You're not who we want, and I don't want you getting hurt in the process.” I saw a young lady glaring at me from a distance. I could only guess this was Hanako. She had long blonde hair pulled back into a slender half-tail, and her face seemed to resemble someone I'd seen before... I would soon find out who.

I clenched my teeth. “You want Aidou? You go through me first.” I said, in a low growl.

My father let out a sigh. “I'll give you one more chance, Ren.”

“Don't call me Ren!” I cried, firing at the woman in my range. She slipped out of the way and was unharmed, which shocked me enough that I didn't realize she was retaliating for a few seconds. I was nearly wounded to the point where I wouldn't have been able to fire back.

“He's kinda good, senpai!” Hanako laughed, now out of my sight.

“Let's just get in, get this done, and get out before police get here!” a whiny young man's voice whimpered. “Just because your father was a cop--”

“Shut up!” she cut him off.

I swallowed hard. So she was here for revenge on the killer of her father. That officer that got tangled up in the mess, right? This wasn't good, and I knew that right then.

“I won't let you get to him!” I shouted, holding my gun with both hands now.

“Come on, we all know he deserves to die.” Hanako's thick voice came. I swallowed again.

“You just don't get it, do you? Just because someone deserves something doesn't mean they should get it! That's why all those people are dead!” I said before I realized what I was saying.

“What are you talking about?” she cried, more out of anger than question. She fired at me and I ducked, firing back. “You just stay out of this!”

“No!” I told her. That was when Kagayaki couldn't take it anymore. He bolted, running to the door and throwing it open. Seeing him disappear through it, I followed, sending shots through the windows as I went by. “Kagayaki-kun! NO!” Running after him, I found him a bit faster than I'd expected. Fear empowered him, I knew that. But he was still weak. Gaining on him, I leapt on top of him and pinned him to the ground. “Stop it!” I hissed, holding him down. “You'll get us both killed!” I fired some more at our pursuers, who were closing in.

“I'm scared, Morgan-san, I'm scared...” he sobbed, and I looked over to see tears streaking down his face. “I'm scared. I know, I'm innocent, but they don't care about that. They'll kill me anyway, and I'm scared of what they'll do to me first!”

My face hardened. “They won't get you. I promise.”

A well-meant promise, but useless.

He didn't seem comforted at all, so I looked around. I saw three figures slowly approaching through the trees. I steadied by breath and turned back to Kagayaki. “Okay, listen. I'm gonna get up, and you run to the alcove. That way,” I pointed in the right direction. “Once you get there, hide behind anything, under anything. Got it?”

Kagayaki nodded. “Thank you,” he breathed, and I released him, turning to fire back at the dark figures. He ran once more, and was soon out of my sight.

Then, I was stupid. I looked to see if he was still close, and just then someone pounced on me. I felt something hard against the back of my skull, and lost consciousness for sometime.

By the time I came to, I saw I was back in the cabin, both hands cuffed to a bedpost behind me with cold steel. I looked around for Kagayaki, disappointed when I saw him, cornered by Hanako. “You bastard!” she growled, slapping him. I jumped as I heard the contact, and Kagayaki whimpered. I saw blood trickling from the corner of his mouth, and knew that I had missed most of her assault.

“Please...”

“Shut up!” She hit him again.

“That's enough, Hanako.” my father said firmly, and I saw him come up, grabbing her hand and staring right into her eyes. “No more. I want to end this swiftly. After all,” He looked over at Kagayaki slowly. “I'm not saying he was right in killing them, but he at least knew to do it quickly. We owe him the same.” I saw my friend shaking visibly as Ethan took slow strides towards him, kneeling beside him once he was close. “She's harsh, but it's just because she misses her daddy. You can understand that, seeing as you killed him and all.” I saw Kagayaki bite his lip. In that instant, he could have told them everything, and he might have been spared. But he didn't. Etan drew out a gun, and I struggled at my hold. My father looked over at me for a moment, then frowned and did not look at me anymore. He placed the gun against the side of Kagayaki's head, making the young man flinch. “I'm not sure if you did the same for your victims, but I'll give you the chance for last words. Do you have any?”

Kagayaki swallowed hard, looking up at the big man who he knew was about to kill him, then his eyes shifted to the two other figures standing close. Hanako was one, the other was a thin young man about his age with a very square face who was shivering. “C-c-can I ask a q-q-question?” Kagayaki stammered, and after a moment's pause, my father nodded. I struggled yet more, but listened intently. “D-d-do y-y-you b-b-believe in G-g-g-od?”

Ethan looked at Kagayaki very closely, not moving. “Not anymore.”

Kagayaki looked over at Satoru – this was my guess as to his identity, which I later found to be true – with a trembling lip. “W-w-what about you? D-do you believe in G-g-od?”

Satoru shook his head. “Christianity is not my faith.”

Hope in his eyes – for what, I didn't know then – , Kagayaki looked slowly at Hanako. “D-d-do you b-believe in G-god?” he said, and I could see the fear in his face. He thought she would attack him again. I couldn't see her face, so I didn't know what was happening during the following silence until I heard her breathing strangely.

“Yes...” she whispered, and I could tell now that she was crying. “My father taught me to believe. Why?”

A smile came across Kagayaki's face, a smile of great relief. “Oh good,” he said in a sigh. “Then... then I'll see you there, right?”

She let out a mocking 'ha'. “You think you're going to Heaven? After what you did?”

He was still smiling at her, softly now. “God forgives quicker than people. And He doesn't change His mind about forgiveness either. Yes, I think I'm going to Heaven, because when you ask God to forgive you, He does.” he reminded her, sighing as he looked up at my father, then at Satoru. “I hope to see you guys someday too.” He reached up and touched the hand that held the gun against his head. “And... I want you to know... I don't hate you, even though you hate me. Because God doesn't like hate. I'm done with hate, and I have been for a long time.” He sighed again, his hand falling. Kagayaki seemed to be resigning to his fate. “Okay... I-I'm done.”

Ethan nodded, unmoved. “Good.” He pulled back the hammer and shifted the gun's barrel against Kagayaki's head. The young man took one last breath and closed his eyes. I fought the handcuffs wildly.

“NO!”

BANG!

Kagayaki fell, and I swallowed hard, tears coming into my eyes. “YOU IDIOTS!” I cried, tears thickening my throat. “NO!” My father came over to me and released me from my cuffs. Immediately I threw a punch at him, but he caught my hand.

“Calm yourself, Clarence.”

“You don't understand!” I said, calming though I didn't realize I was following his orders. “He... he was innocent!” My father looked at me, tilting his head a little.

“What are you talking about?”

“I... I...” The words were harder to say than I thought they would be. “I did it.” I looked over at Hanako. “I killed your father... He came when I was going to kill the others, and tried to hurt Kagayaki. So... so I killed him. I also shot him in the leg, which you probably know.” She looked at me, eyes filled with tears.

“Yes...”

My father grabbed my collar. “There was incredible evidence against him.”

I nodded. “I know... he had their blood on his hands and the gun. But... the blood was because he tried to save them, even after I'd shot them...” I said, my voice barely a whisper. “Then he said he didn't want me to get hurt, so he took the gun and pretended he'd done it.” My father let me go and I fell to my knees, crawling over to my motionless friend. “Kagayaki-kun,” I put a hand on his shoulder. “Kagayaki-kun, I'm so sorry... I'm sorry...” My tears blurred my vision, and I rose to my feet, blinded by my anger but refusing to do any more damage. After all, I knew it was because of my temper that he was dead now. “Get out of here. Just go. You've done what you came to do.”

My father turned and left, Satoru looking at me with anger in his eyes for a moment, then followed Ethan.

Hanako, on the other hand, came over to me. Tears flowing down her face, the first thing she did was slap me. I took it like it didn't faze me – though it did – and looked at her. We were both crying, and I knew we both felt stupid and weak. “I'm sorry.” she whispered, touching my cheek. She knelt beside Kagayaki, wiping away some of her tears as she lifted his face to look at her. “I should have known... I should have seen it... My father would be so ashamed of me...” She had to pause here, overcome with tears. But, after a few moments, she recovered and placed a kiss on his cold forehead.

“I'm sorry.”

I saw her place a hand on her heart, her other hand cupped around Kagayaki's cheek. The image of her, eyes closed and crying, next to Kagayaki, who's eyes were open, emotionless and frightening in a degree I'd never known before... it will never leave me alone. I heard her say a quiet prayer, then rise, turn, and go over to the door. Just before she left, she looked back at him, then ran out.

Tears were ready to consume me, but I stayed calm, going over to him, and placed a hand on his forehead. I closed his eyes, then picked him up, bracing behind his knees and neck. Then I took him away from there, headed to his home.

Walking, all I could say was two words: “I'm sorry.”

[GGJ5]

oooooohmigosh, MTM, that was so sad and beautiful!!

Can Kagayaki be my friend, too? >.<

So lovely and touching, MTM!

[More than Music]

Thank you so much, sensei!

I've finished chapter 14, but I'm gonna wait until tomorrow to post it.

I've also found cover art, and - hopefully - a printing company to print it. But the total of how much printing, cover art, and copyright are gonna cost me is about $1500, so if anyone can give me a little support on that, I'd be SO thankful. <3

This story is nearly coming to an end, so brace yourselves! ^_^

[More than Music]

^{This chapter is kinda short, but I think it did what I wanted it to. :3}

Chapter 14 – Sleep

“Get some rest, Kagayaki-kun.”

Kagayaki looked over at the bed. He was worn out... He felt ready to fall over right where he stood, and his leg longed to be free of its brace so it could relax. But no, he knew that if he took it off, he'd never get it back on. Not without his mother or father to help him.

Starting over, he paused. 'Wait, Morgan-san needs his rest too. I can't take his bed! No, I have to let him sleep first.' Kagayaki swallowed, looking at his friend. “Wait... you're tired too.” he told Morgan-san, breathless. “I don't want to take your bed. You need to sleep as much as me.”

He saw his friend smile, though it was a sad smile. “No, it's fine,” he said. “I'll wait. After you're done, I'll take a turn.”

Slowly, Kagayaki nodded. 'Well, that doesn't sound unfair... Okay. But I can't sleep long. I am very, very, very tired....' Slowly moving over to the small bed, Kagayaki sat down on it. He ran a hand along the blanket, an entwined tapestry of dark reds and purples. It was rather lovely, actually, and Kagayaki found it soft and comfortable. Carefully leaning down and taking off his shoes, he laid down on the bed, remembering to keep his injured leg straight in its brace.

'I wish all of this was over... I can't take much more running and hiding and crying because... I know, God will take care of me, but... why can't He just come for me now? I think going to Heaven would be nice... And I wouldn't have to worry anymore. No more worrying, wouldn't that be wonderful?'

Closing his eyes, Kagayaki found sleep came easy with this thought in his head.

Those people... they were coming after him again. He knew it. Ever since he'd seen them through the window that night when they tried to burn him alive – along with his parents – at home, he'd known they wouldn't give up. No, they would find him. But he wasn't as afraid of dying as he was what might happen to him first.

He didn't want anyone to hold him down and hit him over and over again. Too many times, he'd let that happen. But, this time, it wasn't just a school bully wanting revenge. This time, there would be no one able to save him.

Not even Morgan-san, as much as Kagayaki wanted to hope for that. He'd come with his friend, knowing that he'd rather have Morgan-san see him die than anyone else. Because Morgan-san would be strong. He wouldn't do anything stupid trying to save him. No. Of all the people Kagayaki knew were in Japan, Morgan-san was the only one he could count on to just wipe away his tears and take him home. No matter what, he knew he could trust his friend.

But he was still scared. Being innocent had nothing to do with anything at this point. No one would care.

At least God was on his side.

'Wait,' he thought, this idea breaking through his sleep and making him stir. 'What about Morgan-san? He doesn't seem to mention God like he used to... What if he...'

He sat up, blinking away the sleep in his eyes as he tried to see Morgan-san. His friend turned to look at him. This made Kagayaki smile slightly. “Morgan-san...” he began with a wide yawn, “You still believe in God, don't you?”

His smile was returned at this comment. “More than ever, Kagayaki-kun. More than ever.”

Nodding, satisfied, Kagayaki laid back down and let sleep envelope him again. 'Good... good. I wonder if the people coming after me believe in God... I hope they do... that way, God can forgive them. Because I don't want them to feel bad like Morgan-san does about killing people. I know they don't care if I care, but I want them to be happy, even if what they want to do won't get them that.' He took a deep breath and let it out through his sleep, unaware of this subconscious attempt to relax. 'Maybe someday they'll be okay... Maybe I will too.'

'If I just get some sleep... maybe everything will seem better and I feel so bad...'

'I miss you, Cassie. I don't know why God wants us to be apart, but I still hope that you know how much I love you. How much I miss you. How much I hope that, after all this, you'll find someone who can love you as much as I do.'

'Because being alone is the worst punishment this world can give, and I don't want you to live like that.'

'Not for me.'

[More than Music]

My novel is FINISHED. I have finished writing it, just earlier. : D

I will post some more chapters later. Right now they're at Gramma's house, but I promise I'll post them!

I'm so excited! ^_^

[The Phantom of Paris]

Awww, I love this latest chapter so much...and I'm SO EXCITED that you finished the book!! I can't wait to read the rest!

Oh, and..."How much I hope that, after all this, you'll find someone who can love you as much as I do. Because being alone is the worst punishment this world can give, and I don't want you to live like that.'" To that, Cassie would like to say that she is not interested in finding anyone else, because anyone else loving her after him wouldn't even be worth it. She doesn't mind being alone, she's grateful for what she's been given in the past.

[More than Music]

Arigatou gozaimasu, Poppysan! I'm gonna post two more chapters for y'all now that I'm down here with the file. ^_^

LOL I think, when Kagayaki thought that, he knew Cassie didn't want anyone else. That's why he's pressing it.

-----------------------

Chapter 15 – Release

Sometimes
I stare back into the face of my mistakes
The sky cries
And I wonder why I find myself in tears

This isn't the way it was suppose to be
This isn't the way you wanted me to be
If you were here, you would pull me into the light

The feelings pulsing through me as I carried Kagayaki's body back to his parent's home were too many too name and to strange to describe. But I can definitely tell you that I felt guilty for all I had done, and for not speaking up before that moment.

But, would they have seen the light before their hatred was fulfilled? Perhaps they weren't like me.

All humans are selfish, all of us sometimes become blinded by our emotions, and don't do what we look back and know we should have. Is it fair? I believe we deserve it. Think about all the little horrible things you do every day: fighting with your loved ones over petty things, ignoring someone else's feelings, pretending you fell what you don't or vice versa, taking something for yourself instead of sharing, or maybe even thinking that someone shouldn't live better than you do. Of course, we repent for all these things, don't we? God forgives us. Yes, of course He does. But other humans don't. No, humans are not so quick to forgive, so quick to let go of their bartering tools for what they want. Guilt is an odd pleasure when you hold that which belongs to someone else. Anyone can remind you of something bad you've done, and it will remind you of how flawed and cruel you are without thinking.

Thinking is a key part of how God made us. Animals don't have this ability, as much as children shows try to convince us that animals are pressured, hurt, and just want to have the same rights as we do to live, animals are not humans. Nor are they related. Because we are significantly different from animals.

Yes, we have instinct. But it is not the same. Animal instinct is something you do without thinking and do as a reaction to something. For animals, it is just the way they are. For humans, it is our soul doing the things our raw creation tells us to.

And that is why I refer to it by a different name. Acts of the soul, if you will. And, in those moments, hours, I carried him, my soul was doing exactly what it knew he wanted me to. Because our souls often know the best thing to do. Souls connect on a different level than the human mind, because a mind can be marred by 'social graces' and 'unwritten rules' and other nonsensical things that we've decided are important.

Kagayaki wanted to be taken home. He wanted to be laid to rest by his family, but the people who loved him, and he wanted no fighting because of it. Somehow I knew that.

And somehow, I think hundreds of souls joined together in this idea. That is why my story will not end with bloodshed. The love that he spread across the world and across his native country was not wasted; it is only after we lose something we realize how important it is, how beautiful it is, and how much we've ignored our souls' desires to keep that thing close. 'I shouldn't want that thing' we tell ourselves, or maybe 'I'm just being foolish'.

Are we?

Maybe someday we'll know.

~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~ * ~

As I came up to the front porch, I just stood there crying. I didn't want to knock, nor did I possess the ability.

Holding Kagayaki in my arms, I had no free hand to knock or to open the door. And I could only imagine the fear and the hate and the distress on their faces when they answered, appearing and telling me to leave.

I didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay with him and make sure his parents kept him safe.

Somehow, he knew.

Hideo opened the door slowly, looking out at me. His eyes met mine, and he slipped outside, not even looking down at his son's body right away. “I knew it wouldn't be long.” he whispered, sighing. “I just don't understand why he had to run away instead of staying with us.”

I swallowed hard, trying to contain the tears. “He wanted to make sure no one else got hurt because of him. Somehow, he must have known that they wouldn't hurt me... Maybe he knew who they were, or something, I don't know but... I just knew, somehow, that he would want me to bring him home.”

His father nodded, extending his hands. “Give him to me.”

Almost reluctant to let go of him, I was slow to hand him Kagayaki's body, but I did. My heart was still pounding, and I finally blinked the tears away, resuming my composure but a hole in the core of my being than I am sure anyone will ever know. “I'm sorry.” I whispered.

Hideo's eyes shimmered, and he looked at me squarely. There were several moments of silence, and I wondered what he would say. I knew he hated me, but... how to tell him just how sorry I was? I had never meant to hurt anyone I held so dear as I had Kagayaki. Couldn't he see that?

'Don't hate me,' I wanted to say. 'Don't hate me. I know, I deserve every harsh word and every single bit of anger in your heart right now. I know I do. But please. I don't want any more pain caused by my stupidity. At least not to do with Kagayaki. It's not fair, how much I've put him in. If you're going to hurt me, to kill me, anything, just wait until he's taken care of and we never have to worry about him ever again. Just wait until he's at peace.'

Finally, the man spoke. “You tried.” was all he said to me, turning to the doorway. I could see that there were tears in his dark eyes. “And no one could do anything more than that, Morgan-san.” A moment's pause. “In no way do I want to forgive you. But, for my son's sake – wherever he is now – I will force myself to put my anger aside.” He looked down. “He would have wanted me to.” He took a deep breath, slowly let it out, then cleared his throat. “Freya!”

I tensed, wondering what sort of pain this would put her in. “No, don't let her see him like this!” I pleaded. Hideo looked at me sternly. “I don't want anyone to see him that doesn't have to, not until he's cleaned up.”

“His mother has every right to see him now.” he told me, his voice so firm I didn't even bother arguing. I hadn't come here to bicker with Hideo. I came to take Kagayaki home, because they would know what to do.

That's when she came out. Freya rushed to the door. “Is he home?” she questioned, beginning to say something else before her eyes fell on the body and I saw all the air rush from her. She fainted.

A look of shock and fear came across Hideo's face. “Freya!”

No, she wasn't hurt. Just upset. I remember Hideo handing Kagayaki to me – more like throwing him at me; hadn't Kagayaki been through enough? - and falling to her side. I looked down at her, laying on the steps, and then I looked at Kagayaki. I realized how much they looked alike. I'd never really stopped to look at it, because their mannerisms were so different. He went more for extremes, either happy or trying to make some else happy or completely unable to do either. She was more for fading between two lines, one coddling and one strict. But their faces were so similar, I'd never really realized. I took a deep breath, trying to keep from crying. 'Come on,' I told myself. 'What's with all this tearing up? I'm stronger than that. I'm not some sap. Yeah, he's dead, but... that doesn't mean I need to cry like some sort of hormonal teenager. I'm all grownup and I need to act like it.'

Then I realized something. Kagayaki had never done that. He'd never acted grownup. Closing my eyes, I let the tears slowly fall, and I felt my headache easing. Yes. That was much better. No one would care if I was crying. No one here had any right to criticize me for being upset. For being sorry. For wishing none of this had ever happened. None whatsoever.

I saw Hideo pick up Freya carefully, then look at me. “I'm headed to the hospital, to be sure. This is no time for her to get hurt...” his sentence trailed off, and he stiffened. “Come with me. The doctor will know what to do, to get him cleaned up for...” He swallowed, turning away. “Let's go.”

He started walking, and I almost protested – I had walked a long way – but his eyes met mine, and I decided it was better to not start something with him right now.

Or ever.

Freya came out alright. Hideo seemed relieved, and I was sure it was just because he didn't want to lose her either. I thought it was rather ridiculous though. She'd only fainted ,why was he so obsessed with making sure she got the best care? Strange, certainly.

Once the doctor took Kagayaki – and he seemed especially grieved, saying he had been his doctor ever since Kagayaki was a very small boy – I turned away and walked out of that hospital. I wasn't going to stick around and get in the way, or cry again.

I'd never cried so much in my life. When I was young, my philosophy was that crying was for girls. I had rarely – if ever – cried during my years at school and my high school years, even onto my college days I made sure I thought no reason was good enough to tear up.

Now, here I was, looking at myself in the mirror of my new apartment, seeing what a tear-stained mess I was.

Ridiculous was the first adjective I could find to describe it, but that wasn't quite it.

It took some time, but they pieced everything together for the funeral. Everything was in the news, in the papers, and spread about my word of mouth until the story was completely twisted.

'Suicide' some people whispered. 'One of the people who used to be his friends before they heard what he'd done' others tried to correct. 'He was a bad person anyway' those who thought themselves wise concluded.

Walking through a crowd was torture for me. No, they weren't talking about me, but they should have been.

Sometimes, I wanted to stop in the middle of the street, climb up onto something, throw my hands up in the air and tell everyone the truth. Maybe then they would shut the hell up and just realize... we'd all been stupid.

My true attempts are not so brave, but, as I conclude his story in the next few pages, I feel as if I really am standing up in the flood of fantastical literature and telling his story. He deserves to be recognized as the hero he was, keeping my secret even as they asked him for his last words.

Yes, you know what I want to say. I'm sorry.

---------------------------------------

Chapter 16 – Love

Dear Mom and Dad,

Please don't be sad because of me. I can't write much, you know I'm bad at it, but I want you to know that I love you and wish you the best of luck with having another baby. Please be safe, and take care of yourselves. Right now, I'm headed home, but I had to stop and write these, because, for some reason, I feel as if I won't be able to later if I don't do it now. Anyway, please take care.

Love,
Kagayaki

~ - ~ - ~ - ~

Dear Cassie,

You know how much I miss you, how much I will miss you, and how important you are to me.

But I want you to know that I want you to be happy, especially since I won't be there to make sure you are. Don't keep yourself from loving again. Don't give your heart away too easily, but be willing to love again.

Because, as much as you tell me otherwise, I'm not the only guy out there that's good for you.

Just as long as you never forget me. I know, that idea is probably safe as it can be now, but... I don't know. I worry about you and I'm paranoid. I love you very much, so be safe.

Love,
Kagayaki

~ - ~ - ~ - ~

Dear Friends from Home,

I don't know if you'll read this, if you want to know I'm not upset with your at all, or not, but I felt the need to tell you that each and every one of you still matter to me.

And, when I get to Heaven, I make sure to mention every single one of you by name, and ask Him to keep a special close watch on you.

Because my life would have been boring and lonely without you.

Love,
Kagayaki

~ - ~ - ~ - ~

Dear American Friends,

I miss you so much! You matter more to me than you know, and even though you are across the world from me, I want you to know that I haven't forgotten you and you still matter lots to me.

When I get to Heaven, I'll be sure to mention all of you, to make sure God remembers to take good care of you.

I'm sure He won't forget wonderful people like you, but I would just rather be on the safe side.

Love,

Kagayaki

~ - ~ - ~ - ~

Dear Yukito-kun,

I wanted to write to you especially. You're so important to me and I want to tell you to be strong.

Yes, I know. You've always acted older than me, but I still feel responsible for you, and I want to make sure you know what I mean by that too.

Letting yourself be saddened by losing someone who loved you is part of strength.

Letting it stop you from ever trusting again is not.

Please, I want to know that you'll take care of yourself, and take care of Erin-chan. Because I love you both very much and worry about you. I know, I should worry about myself for a while, but I can't.

Please take care.

Love,

Kagayaki

[GGJ5]

Awww! So sad! So well done and so sad! *wipes away tear*