Bokuno Kokoro - Kagayaki/Yumi oneshot

[More than Music]

Bokuno Kokoro/My Heart is something I wrote a long time ago and recently re-wrote, so it doesn't really apply to the stuff we've RPed so far with Kagayaki - unless he was lying to himself or something - but I thought it was sad and cute and wanted to share. Yarly. BTW, it's all in Italics because it's all SUPPOSE to be in Japanese, but - alas - I cannot write that, nor can y'all read it so... XD Yeah.

Yukito Maki is vague mentioned, I think, and he belongs to MaskedNicci/EldaForever, Yumi also belongs to her.

KAGAYAKI AIDOU IS TOTALLY MINE.




"No, Yumi... Please..." I beg, fighting hard the tears that are trying to break free from my wide brown eyes. I can't let them. I can't cry.

"No, Aidousan, I'm trying to tell you something very important."

I bite my tongue and try to get ready for what she's gonna say. Her voice is getting colder and colder with each time I talk to her, I can hear it. The more I plead with her, the farther away she seems to be. But I'm becoming more glad she's not here by the minute, because she can't see through the phone how hurt I am, or that I'm about to cry. I don't want her to feel sad because of me. She's been hurt enough.

She deserves someone who can make her happy. That's just what I tried to be, but I guess I didn't try hard enough, because she has become more and more depressed with each and every day. Over and over I've promised myself I wouldn't hurt her anymore. I love Yumi. I really do. Being with someone who only makes her upset isn't what I want for her.

But I can't let her go. She's such a big part of me.

This isn't how it should be.

"Aidousan, I can't do this anymore." she tells me, and after I don't reply for sometime, she sighs. I know that my Yumi is tired of how stupid and pitiful I am. I'm not the good person I try to be. She knows that better than anyone else. She has always believed me when I told her we could make it work, and every time I've failed her.

What a horrible person I've become.

I miss the happy girl she was before. Before I crushed her by trying to love her. By trying to be enough for her.

What does this have to happen, every time?

Now I can't erase what I've done to her. Ever.

I know I shouldn't act sad, make other people sad. I've always known that. But it's so hard, when I can barely breathe, or walk, or sleep when I go to bed for the nightmares I have and how much I hurt. And I use so much energy trying to control it, I need my rest. I know that.

But I've gotten so good, I often hide it from myself. Some days, it's like the pain isn't even there, sometimes on days my friends don't feel good. Those days are when it's easiest to be happy for them. I love those days more than any others.

I don't work with Yumi though. She sees my pain, much more than I'd like her to. She knows when I'm lying. I wish she didn't. It just seems like she's never happy with me.

Okaasan says it's because Yumi is still in highschool, and doesn't want to make any promises for a future she can't see.

Hideosan says it's because no one can really be happy loving someone who won't love themselves. That can't be right.

If that's true, I'll never find somebody to love. That would mean I'm impossible to love.

Am I? Is that what all of this is really about? Is that why, as I was hurtling myself to what could have been the end of me, Yumi couldn't say she really loved me?

Am I impossible to love? Love is so easy for me to feel. Why is it so hard for the people I love to love me back?

What am I doing wrong?

"Aidousan?" I hear her call to me, and I slowly sigh. I don't hate things easily, especially when it comes to my Yumi. But I'll admit, I hate it when my Yumi calls me by my family's name. Yes, my friends call me that,even Yukitokun, but Yumi isn't just one of my friends. She's my[/i] girlfriend , my kanojo. And she used to call me by my given name.

But not now.

I've asked her many times to stop calling me by my family's name, because that makes me feel distant from her. Yet, here we are, talking on the phone with what feels like entire worlds' distance. I hate that more than anything else.

Why did this have to happen?

"I'm still here, Yumi."

"I'm sorry it has to be this way, baby," she begins, and I feel my heart skip a beat. I close my eyes and let the sound of her voice calling me 'baby' ring through my mind. She has no idea how much I treasure her, and everything she does. "It just does, though."

I swallowed, my eyes still closed. "What do you mean, 'this way'?"

I wouldn't let myself see that what she meant was very obvious. She didn't love me anymore. I still remember - very clearly - our last argument, when she told me that she was still very much in love with Yukitokun, and that she'd never really loved me.

Never, ever, ever, will I forget that day. I still hear the door slamming every time I walk through the house.

"I think we've put ourselves through enough, don't you, senpai?" Yumi finally tells me,very straightly. I don't like it when people are straight with me. It hurts. Maybe my heart really stopped this time. Maybe it would be better that way.

No. Yumi would blame herself, and I don't want that, ever.

"You... you want to break up with me." was all I could manage as far as a reply. I twas mostly just to remind her that I was still breathing. She knew me. She knew how much this was hurting me.

"Please... I don't want either of us to hurt anymore."

I think I will die without my Yumi, and then die again when I see her with someone else. But I know she's not happy with me, and I know that she isn't happy with how I am. So I must let her go. I must do what is best for her, not me.

Now isn't a good time to start being selfish.

Gathering up all the courage I have - which has never been much - before even thinking about speaking. "I just want you to be happy." I make myself say. I had to go through with it this time. "I can't expect you to not want someone else, someone who will make you happy." She started to speak, but I cut her off. "Yumi. It's alright."

But I can't bring myself to say what I need to , and that's just "it's over". Just two words. Maybe two and a half. That was all she needed from me and I couldn't give it to her.

I had to just say it simply.

"Go on, see other people." I finally burst. "I'm not your boyfriend anymore, Yumi." I choke and try to correct my mistake. "Saitochan."

"I... I don't want you to go away, senpai." she pleads.

My tears fell down my face now; big, salty tears like rain from the ocean that made my breathing uneven. I knew she could hear my ragged breaths. "I won't." I whisper.

Neither of us want this, I can tell as I hear her breathing do the same thing. She didn't deserve to have her heart broken. Did I? I hate myself when I cry; how my voice trembles and how weak I feel.

I hear her began to sob, and I know it's completely because of me. I did exactly I had promise I wouldn't.

Again.

I catch myself before I call her 'Yumi' again. She isn't my Yumi anymore. She is 'Saitochan' and I need to call her that. "Saitochan, I should go."

My heart is breaking again. I know that, if I fall again, it'll be much harder than ever before. And I may not survive that.

I must be strong.

"Alright... G-Goodbye, Aidousan." she manages. I take a deep breath.

"Goodbye, and take care of yourself." I say, forcing confidence into my voice that used to come so easily, hoping she can't tell I'm lying.

Click. She hangs up, and I feel my spirits fall far below the floor of my bedroom as I fall back onto my bed.

I wish I'd never told Yumi about my feelings for her. I honestly regret all those happy times. Their cost was too great, and I feel my heart will never recover.

When will I be free from this pain?

When can I just be happy, and no one hurt because of it?

When can it be real, so I can stop pretending?

My heart can't take much more of this....