Apt. #634B - The Makis' House

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

To be honest, Erin didn't know what to think about it all... First, Yukito was leaving her, which she knew wasn't his choice, but he didn't seem to care about it at all. Like it was nothing to him to move on without Erin, without one of them skipping out of class to visit the other, without hanging out at lunch or break together or anything.... and the fact that he hardly even mentioned it, hardly even had said a word about graduating or college or anything just made the forthcoming loneliness more real and deep. The entire idea was actually bordering on scary to Erin, for too many reasons to name. But the other night she had wanted to name them, to at least try, and Yukito had just brushed her off. Rather, he had to cut their conversation short, but still, she'd built herself up to talking about it with him, and he just left like it was nothing. Just like leaving her was nothing. And it kind of hurt to think that. But several times since then Erin had told herself if she waited it out then she wouldn't care as much. Seniors got out of school a couple of weeks before the underclassmen, so it was a good time for her to test the theory. So far it wasn't working, and the nagging feeling of being alone and brushed off, and the potential of being replaced or forgotten ate at the back of her mind.

Then there was the wreck. Well, it was more worry than anything else, really... As much as she pretended she hated it and had no interest it, Erin's academic osmosis worked well enough with psychology, but anyone with two ears and a working brain could figure Yukito's reaction had not been normal. Especially for such a relatively minor accident, people just didn't start seeing things. And not only that, but he had sounded so sure and the image he talked about was so dark and it scared Erin a lot more than she'd let on, especially thinking about it later. And she was also kind of scared to bring it up again, just in case it brought back that look in his eyes. She could live her whole life perfectly happy without having to see that awful look in his eyes ever again. But at the same time, it was more important that she'd seen it the first time-- something a lot more serious than running a red light had happened, at least in Yukito's mind, and there was no way they could both just keep pretending it was totally cool.

Why was he so determined not to talk to her?

Why was he so determined to suffer in silence?

What had she done to make him close off on her? She could think of nothing... and that just made it worse. I can't even see what I'm doing wrong for him.

But he was giving her the opportunity to try to make it up to him, whatever it was. And she was going to give it another try to get him to talk with her without demanding it-- she wanted him to come to her, not for her to interrogate him. So when he agreed to let his graduation celebration double as a makeup-birthday, Erin had tried to make the best gifts for him she could, a silent and tangible reminder of how much he meant to her, and she'd actually practiced in her head what she would say to let him know he could let her in a little more.

Her headaches and dizziness hadn't died down yet and Erin chalked it up to her concern for Yukito as she crossed the few feet to hims front door with her arms full. The basket she'd started putting together for him had turned into more of a bucket of stuff (the Phoenix necklace, the uberphones, their picture, and now also two CDs including The Used and Blue Oyster Cult that she didn't think Yukito had). And on top of the bucket of stuff now resided a well-stacked plate of brownies and one large loaf of melonpan dotted with chocolate chips-- a recipe she'd found on the internet claiming to be a traditional Japanese dessert. Although the chocolate chips were her own addition. Carefully balancing her collection in one arm, she poked the doorbell with a free index finger and stepped back.

She didn't have to wait very long, though, which for some reason seemed to surprise Erin, since she wouldn't think Yukito was all too thrilled about making a to-do out of anything for him. In fact, she knew he wasn't too thrilled with it, which didn't make any sense at all to her, but still.... Yukito greeted her with a quiet little smile that Erin returned as he tacked on a kiss. "Welcome back. Okaeri nasai."

"Konnichiwa, Yukitokun," She nodded to the inside of the apartment with a demure smile. "Now will you let me in?" Double meaning... please catch it! "O-tan-joh-bi--" she started slowly, hoping she remembered the sounds of the words from the short audio clips she'd found. "Omed--etoh--- Gozaimasu!" Erin finished finally, a hint of triumph in her tone for the birthday message, holding out her gift to him. Please be okay, Yukito....

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

She was looking cute and maybe a bit nervous on the doorstep, and he greeted her bilingually and with a smile. As he leaned forward to kiss her, he felt a flutter in his chest. Erin liked to make things so easy for him. He could take a lot of things from her, he was determined to. A lot of it was because he knew exactly how she was feeling and thinking, since it was displayed in her expressive eyes. She liked to let him know things, from texting him about any difference from her normal day to wrapping her arm around his and speaking her mind, to just sitting next to him with a little smile playing at her lips. That was one of the things he liked about her. The issue for him was that sometimes, without knowing it, he missed things. And he couldn't figure out how he did it. "Konnichiwa, Yukitokun." She nodded to the inside of the apartment with a demure smile. "Now will you let me in?"

He tilted his head to the side, hesitated, then stepped back so she could come into the apartment. "O-tan-joh-bi...Omed--etoh--- Gozaimasu!" He turned around to send her a surprised look, and she was holding out a huge basketful of gifts to him. Yukito's eyes widened.

"Wow, Erin..." He slowly reached out for the basket, "You didn't have to get me all this." He smiled and shook his head ever so slightly. Typical Erin. To jump at the chance to do something for someone else.

"Thank you..." he kissed her forehead, brushing aside with his free hand the strands of hair that always threatened to cut off his view of her beautiful eyes. "Arigatou gozaimasu..."

Yukito looked through the basket, his fingers reaching for a shiny necklace he saw dangling. Gently he ran his fingers over it, his eyes childish and transfixed. She picked it out for me, and we both know there's something huge in that.

"And by the way," his smile went crooked, his eyes gleaming, "You butchered it, but that's okay."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

"O-tan-joh-bi..." she tried, the unfamiliar sounds awkward on her tongue. "Omed--etoh--- Gozaimasu!" The surprised expression on Yukito's face was pretty much impossible to miss, and part of Erin chided herself for distracting him with the gifts instead of trying to get him to be more real with her. Instead of telling him how she didn't like it at all the way he shut down when Erin wanted to share with him. But maybe he could see at least a little proof that she cared about him so much, and after another prod or two he would come to her own his own, and it would all work out... At least, that's what she hoped. Erin had half a mind to check the clock to see if it was 11:11.

"Wow, Erin..." He slowly reached out for the basket, and Erin was grateful to have the weight lifted from her hands. "You didn't have to get me all this."

She only looked back at him, expression saying, "of course I didn't". And out loud she told him simply, "I know. I wanted to." Because that's what you do for people you love, you want to do things for them because you want to make their day better and to make them smile more often than normal, because you want to remind them how you love them. Please want to talk with me, please want to let me in, please want to really make me part of your life so you quit acting like you're alone in everything! Like you'll be when you leave me for college, around so many people who don't know you or care about you like I do!

Of course Yukito couldn't hear any of that. "Thank you..." He kissed her forehead, gently brushing the bangs of her hair away from her face. You'll kiss me and keep me but you won't let me in when I know something's not right! "Arigatou gozaimasu..."

Still, she felt a little glad watching him look through the assortment of presents, and she hoped he actually ate and enjoyed the sweet things she'd made instead of just letting them sit on the counter forgotten or something. She hoped it was all good enough, for him to at least realize a little how serious she was when she said she was there to talk to when he needed her... probably not. What a stupid way to say "I'm here for you": give somebody stuff that was just gonna fall to the bottom of their dresser drawer. Idiot, she chided herself, examining her blue-and-sparkle-painted toenails until she heard Yukito's voice again.

"And by the way," he said, making Erin look back up to him in expectation. He got that? "You butchered it, but that's okay."

Oh... no, he didn't.... "Yeah, well, that's nothing new anyway," she muttered, dropping onto the couch, in the corner seat as was her usual. "Are you sure you're all right, Yukito?" She looked over at Yukito again, a wave of concern crashing over her as she looked at the place on his arm he'd hurt in their accident. Even though it wasn't what concerned her, it was the most visible thing for her eyes to fall on... after all, she couldn't see his mind. He wouldn't let her.

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

He told her she hadn't been required to bring a small army of gifts, and she sent him a look. "I know. I wanted to." He felt something give him a light-hearted, metaphorical punch in the gut and thanked her without arguing.

"And by the way," he said, making Erin look back up to him in expectation as he grinned at her. "You butchered it, but that's okay."

"Yeah, well, that's nothing new anyway," she muttered, slipping past him to the couch. He arched an eyebrow at her - normally wouldn't she have stuck her tongue out at him or teased him back? Yukito sat down beside her, starting to lean over and give her a little peck on the cheek to revive her spirits when she spoke, "Are you sure you're all right, Yukito?"

If she hadn't been looking straight at his arm, still bandaged under the black shirt, he wouldn't have known what she was talking about. 'All right' was such a naive term in his mind. Someone could have nothing wrong with them and be 'all right'. Someone could be lying on the ground after being shot multiple times and somehow be 'all right'. He made a bit of a face, that all-too-clearly stated that he found no reason to talk about it, and was surprised that she had. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just a couple of scratches, really. And I should get the Volvo back soon. It's taking longer since I'm having some tuneups while it's in there anyways."

He automatically lifted up his sleeve to show the little bandaids covering his 'wounds'. As soon as he had been able he had removed the large white wrap they had put on it at the site of the accident - it looked so much worse with all that packaging - and replaced it with some medium to large sized tan ones he had found in the house. Yukito wasn't sure why, but once he had showed her proof that he wasn't slowly bleeding to death, he looked up into her eyes and felt somehow guilty. That made no sense. Why should he feel guilty? He had already replayed the scene over and over and he knew that even if he had seen the car, he could not have avoided it. They had been in the wrong, they had been the one distracted. He was an extremely safe driver, even if he had been distracted momentarily by Erin's kiss, as well as his own thoughts. Maybe it was because she looked so worried, and he wasn't doing much to reassure her. Why was he so glad Erin hadn't gotten a scratch, but he felt so distanced from his own wounds? "I'm fine, Erin." he said with a smile, holding the arm out to her, "See?"

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

"Are you sure you're all right, Yukito?" Erin asked when Yukito came next to her.

Immediately she knew Yukito wasn't going to give her the answer she wanted him to give, because of the expression even she could read that said even mentioning it was pointless. "Yeah, I'm fine. It's just a couple of scratches, really." Shoot, that's not what I meant at all...! "And I should get the Volvo back soon. It's taking longer since I'm having some tuneups while it's in there anyways."

"You're talking to me about the car," commented Erin, tone deadpan from disbelief. He seriously thought she cared about that and was blatantly ignoring the stupid freaking elephant in the room...? Why me?! "Yukito..."

He lifted up his sleeve and showed her where they'd wrapped him up, now purely superficial. "I'm fine, Erin," he said with a smile, holding the arm out to her. "See?"

He was so determined not to talk about it ever again, wasn't he? And he never even mentioned leaving her, online OR in school, and he was totally cool with just getting presents and kisses from her and never anything more, like maybe letting her in a little on what was going on in his head! And when she tried to do that, oh, no, he has to magically leave out of nowhere. Erin rolled her eyes with an exasperated sigh and pushed his arms away from here. "That's exactly what I mean!" Erin leapt to her feet in her frustration. "You know that's not what I meant at all! Augh!"

She couldn't just sit there when he kept insisting on being so difficult. Without a word, Erin raced off to the door leading to Yukito's room, shutting it closed behind her, sitting against it on the other side. "Forget it!" she called back, glaring at the knees she had pressed against her face.

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

"Yeah, I'm fine. It's just a couple of scratches, really," he said with pointed nonchalance, "And I should get the Volvo back soon. It's taking longer since I'm having some tuneups while it's in there anyways."

"You're talking to me about the car," Erin said in a strange tone, and he looked over at her, puzzled. "Yukito..."

He wondered if she was irritated because he cared so much about the unimportant things and didn't offer much concern for himself - the truth was, he actually didn't care...but he would reassure her for her sake alone. Yukito pulled back his sleeve to give her actual proof that he was okay, that she didn't need to worry. That she could just be happy Erin again, and help him enjoy a party he never really wanted. Didn't she know he was letting his mother do this for Erin's sake? She had been upset when she couldn't celebrate his birthday, and he was willing to give her the opportunity if it made her happy. "I'm fine, Erin," he said with a hopeful smile, holding the arm out to her. "See?"

He felt a sharp pang of confusion and regret when she rolled her eyes and pushed away his arm as if - at least it seemed to Yukito - she was disgusted with him. A flush rose to his cheeks before he could stop himself, and his mind started to whirl. What? What did I do wrong this time? "That's exactly what I mean!" Erin leapt to her feet in her frustration. "You know that's not what I meant at all! Augh!"

"What?" he found himself mumbling almost inaudibly. He cursed himself for being so weak when she got even a little bit angry. Or in this case, a small baby step from livid. He sat there, stupidly blank in face and mind, and she was quickly growing more infuriated with him.

"Erin..." he sounded very tired, and very, very far away. He wanted to explain himself, to make her feel better, to be able to pull her closer again and hold her, and find the good words, the ones that made her smile and giggle. The easy words he had before. Once he'd made the mistake of not working things out with Erin, once he hadn't nipped a problem in the bud, he had lost her. He didn't want that to happen again, but it felt like every other day was a test of their endurance.

She raced off in a flash into his bedroom, slamming the door behind her. "Forget it!" Obviously, he wasn't about to just let it drop and let her sulk in his bedroom, and it was clear she didn't want him to. He knew the safety of hiding behind a wooden door, and he didn't have the strength or will to beg her to come back out. If she was in there, she needed to be in there. Yukito wanted to be sure she didn't come out until she was done crying and could laugh again. Even if he wanted to just hold her and forget it. She can't look me in the face right now, can she? That's why she's hiding in there...

Yukito followed her and stopped at the doorway, hesitated, then leaned his head against it. "Erin..? Erin I don't...I don't get it. What did I do now?" Why did he sound so pathetic and stupid? He had always avoided looking dumb to anyone. He didn't want to be the dork, the geek, the nerd. He wanted to come across as smooth and without a care. He didn't want to care so much. But then there were the harsh, jagged stabs he was receiving in his chest that told him he couldn't help it.

"Please..." He stared into the woodwork, his eyes straining to focus on every grain until his eyes started to water. "You know I'm no good at this, Erin. I don't understand what you want from me."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

She sat inside with her back to the door, glaring at the carpet and knowing Yukito was probably right behind her wondering what just happened. Well, now you get to know how it feels, she thought at him, pulling her knees in close to her. Now you get to know what it's like not knowing what going on in the head of the person you care about the most. Feels great, doesn't it?

"Erin..? Erin I don't...I don't get it. What did I do now?"

I won't answer him, she told herself, determined, jaw taut. He won't answer me, so I'll do the same back! But she was biting the inside of her cheeks so hard that it hurt, and it felt like part of her head was threatening to fall off, and she must have been breathing too fast or something to make her lightheaded and she found herself snapping back at him, "Nothing! That's exactly the point!"

"Please... You know I'm no good at this, Erin. I don't understand what you want from me."

Erin scrambled to her feet and shot a look at the door, as though she could see Yukito standing behind it. "Naw, really? I couldn't tell. Yukito, use that thing in your thick head!" Even so, she flipped the turn lock on the knob so if he even bothered trying he'd find it open. She stalked off to the farthest corner of his bed and resumed her curled-up position in the corner. "I unlocked it, baka," she said just loud enough to be heard, glancing up from the view of her knees.

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki


"Erin..? Erin I don't...I don't get it. What did I do now?" he whined through the doorway. He had his head pressed to the wooden barrier between Erin and himself, his long black bangs pressed back and into his eyes as he stared hard at the grains of the wood. Her voice came muffled through the doorway, but definitely not subdued or weakened from anger.

"Nothing! That's exactly the point!"

He let out a slow breath, willing away the headache and the way his eyes stung. "Please... You know I'm no good at this, Erin. I don't understand what you want from me." He was trying to be reasonable, trying to be gentle and to get her to open the door and let him inside. But he was kind of afraid to see her.

"Naw, really? I couldn't tell. Yukito, use that thing in your thick head!" He could almost feel the sarcasm puddling out from under the door. Yukito frowned - he supposed that he deserved that. And he'd never been a wimp when it came to taking an insult. But he wished that she had no reason to yell at him from his bedroom. He felt his mother's eyes on his back as she stood in the kitchen doorway. Yukito turned over to glance at her just as a little click sound emitted from the doorknob.

"I unlocked it, baka,"

For two seconds, he didn't move, just staring at his mother with a blank look. Korkoro looked as if she had been insulted and yelled at, and he didn't understand it. So he chose to ignore it, and slowly reached for the door handle, tentatively turning and peering inside to see Erin curled up on his bed in a position he found all-too familiar. He didn't say anything, shutting the door behind him to keep his mother's face out. Yukito went to sit on the other end of the bed, not sitting too close to Erin and turning to lock his eyes on the far wall.

After a long moment he curled up, too, hardly noticing he was doing it. He wrapped his arms around his legs and laid his head down sideways across his knees, facing her. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "What do you want me to tell you?"

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

Erin didn't want to look up when she heard Yukito step in. Well, actually she did, but the movement of her head that it would require would probably just make her head hurt worse, and it hurt, and the last thing she wanted was to have Yukito distract himself fretting over her when he wouldn't worry about himself. So she closed her eyes and kept them that way when she felt his weight on the bed, too.

"I'm sorry... What do you want me to tell you?"

At first by way of answer, Erin pulled into herself more until she was as small as she could be. It really wasn't very comfortable and certainly didn't help the pounding in her head any, but it was like a silent protest to him. You don't want to tell me anything, even if I asked.

"You wouldn't tell me if I asked," she muttered aloud, words muffled by the acoustically awkward posture. Then she looked up at him, the frustration clear on her face and a knit brow stemming from the ache in her head and now in her shoulders and neck, too, and the words tumbled down like a landslide. "I want you to tell me that you actually care about leaving me, and I want you to tell me that your moving up to college without me actually means something, and that you won't forget me or get bored with me, that you won't get tired of waiting for me to get out of that stupid prison they call school so I can be with you, and I want you to tell me you're sorry for leaving me just when I was trying to tell you how worried and upset I was about that and wanted to talk to you about it but you left anyway, and when I told Cassie how that upset me she just told me that if I felt like that then I didn't really know you or how you loved me and stuff like that, and that I need to grow up but she doesn't understand it at all! She doesn't understand how-- how sad it makes me to think of all that, and to know you're gonna meet so many people better and smarter and people who're gonna be way more successful and crap like that than I could ever be and it would be really, really easy to forget me and I'm really scared of that, Yukito, and I wanted to tell you but you left, and then you won't even talk to me about anything important!

"Yukito, I wish you'd talk to me! I want you to tell me anything, everything if you want, Yukito, and stop acting like you're alone when you're not! Yukito, it isn't normal to see invisible people on your windshield, Yukito, and you were terrified and it scared the tar out of me and you won't even quit pretending none of that happened! You act like it never happened and it did, and you insist on doing everything by yourself, like I'm totally useless to you, but I'm here and I'm really worried about you, and I want you to let me in so I-- I dunno, so you'll know you aren't alone anymore! You just aren't, Yukito, so quit acting like you are, and talk to me!" By this time her expression was pleading, begging him to hear her out. "Yukito, please, I'm tired of watching you try to deal with everything on your own, and it scares me more because I don't even know what's going on in your head, or anything, and--" She stopped, sucking in a breath before continuing. "And I'm here, Yukito, really. I'm right here, why don't you want to let me in anymore?"

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

She curled up tighter, as if to tell him to just leave her alone and let her be. A snide remark made silently by her posture that he couldn't deny existed, but couldn't believe that she meant. "You wouldn't tell me if I asked," she muttered. His eyes softened, and he leaned closer to her.

"I would tell you anything if you asked," he whispered, meaning it.

"I want you to tell me that you actually care about leaving me, and I want you to tell me that your moving up to college without me actually means something, and that you won't forget me or get bored with me, that you won't get tired of waiting for me to get out of that stupid prison they call school so I can be with you, and I want you to tell me you're sorry for leaving me just when I was trying to tell you how worried and upset I was about that and wanted to talk to you about it but you left anyway, and when I told Cassie how that upset me she just told me that if I felt like that then I didn't really know you or how you loved me and stuff like that, and that I need to grow up but she doesn't understand it at all! She doesn't understand how-- how sad it makes me to think of all that, and to know you're gonna meet so many people better and smarter and people who're gonna be way more successful and crap like that than I could ever be and it would be really, really easy to forget me and I'm really scared of that, Yukito, and I wanted to tell you but you left, and then you won't even talk to me about anything important!" The flurry of words meant so much more and hurt much deeper when he could see her face, and the frustration there. Yukito turned away and stared at the floor, not saying anything for a long, long moment.

"I'm never bored of you. And I never left you. Not really..." he took in a breath, "Erin --"

"Yukito, I wish you'd talk to me! I want you to tell me anything, everything if you want, Yukito, and stop acting like you're alone when you're not! Yukito, it isn't normal to see invisible people on your windshield, Yukito, and you were terrified and it scared the tar out of me and you won't even quit pretending none of that happened! You act like it never happened and it did, and you insist on doing everything by yourself, like I'm totally useless to you, but I'm here and I'm really worried about you, and I want you to let me in so I-- I dunno, so you'll know you aren't alone anymore! You just aren't, Yukito, so quit acting like you are, and talk to me!"

"I know it's not normal!" he snapped back at her bitterly. But he couldn't defend himself in any fashion. Not without telling her everything. He wished she hadn't been in the car with him. He wished he hadn't said anything to her, had just kept silent. He wished she hadn't known what he had seen. He wished she hadn't said terrified, because the word held something deeper that he couldn't understand.

"Yukito, please, I'm tired of watching you try to deal with everything on your own, and it scares me more because I don't even know what's going on in your head, or anything, and--" She stopped, sucking in a breath before continuing. "And I'm here, Yukito, really. I'm right here, why don't you want to let me in anymore?"

He didn't want to answer her, and even if he had decided to already, he didn't know what to say. He set his chin down on his knees and glared off blankly, feeling confusion and indecisiveness wash over and irritate him.

"Erin..." Before he could finish, he had to force himself into a mental checklist. What had she mentioned? If he could deal with one, then two, then maybe by the last one he could have formed some sort of an answer.

She thinks I'll get bored of her. She thinks I don't care if I leave her. She wants me to tell her things. She wants me to explain about Natalie. She thinks she's useless.

"Do you really think that? A-Any of it?" he frowned, "I'm never bored of you. I'm sorry if the things I've done in the past give you no reason to trust me...but I'm serious. I never left you. I knew you hated me, and I hoped that somehow you could use me as...I dunno...a bad example of what you didn't want in life or something. And that our breakup would make you better. It would make you clear of me." he hugged himself tighter at his knees, "But I know that you want me, even if I'm messed up. Even if I hurt you every day. Because you seem to know I don't mean it. I don't appreciate you or take care of you in the way that you need, Erin. And I hate that. But I'm trying...I'm really trying to get better. But.."

Yukito let out a sigh and flopped backwards on the bed, still not meeting her eyes but willing to look at the ceiling for comfort. "But that's not enough. Things like the accident the other day...they'd just keep coming up." he stared hard at the ceiling, "I didn't just see anybody. I saw the girl I loved before I met you. You know me, Erin. I wouldn't say I loved her if I didn't mean it, right? I saw her... sprawled across the windshield... and she was covered in blood. I've memorized the color. I remember...exactly...how her hair looks when its all sticky and covered in it. I dunno why I saw it, but I try not to care too much. Because I'm sick of talking to people I don't know and getting prodded and poked and having my mind read like a radar screen."

"I met her several years ago when I went to Tokyo with my mom. She liked to draw..." this tidbit made a bit of a smile come to his face, "She liked to draw me. She gave me some really good music, and she had this pretty laugh and she liked me. I don't know if we ever talked about actually dating each other or whatever. It was all just...we just did it. We didn't second-guess or confirm it because we didn't have to and didn't want to. That would ruin the fun. She came from a bad family. A real bad one. I don't know all that happened in it, but I know it was awful, and even worse than mine. But she was always happier than me, and I wanted that. I wanted to keep her safe and I was too stupid to succeed. We had even planned on running away, like a whole lame-ass Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn thing. She had even decided she was Tom, and I was a Huck." he worked his lips to hide his grimace that tried to win over to a smirk, "I hid her from her parents, and she helped me forget a lot of things I wanted to forget about. But she made me deal with stuff. She wouldn't let things drop and it was annoying as hell..." He glanced up at her. "Kinda like you do." He sent her a little smile, then looked back to his lovely ceiling that was bare and blank. "She killed herself. We were fifteen, and I was pretending like there had been no warnings, no signs, no differences in her. I came to the crummy little apartment we had found and found her on her bed, blood everywhere. I knew she used to cut herself but I thought we had talked about that and worked through it. I didn't pay any mind to it anymore. Natalie was happy. Natalie was good at being happy when life tried to screw her over. It was her talent." he sighed, blinking hard to force the tears in his eyes to fall and make it easier for him to stare above him. "I was there, and I was the one who called in the emergency. I was the one trying to mop up the blood, and I was the one who hadn't talked with her enough, and hadn't done enough to save her. I should have gone to a therapist or something, told someone where she was and what she had come from. I should have told someone how messed up she was before it got that bad. But I was stupid..." his voice choked and he tried again, almost angrily, "I was stupid enough to think I was good enough to protect her and fix her. You can't fix people, Erin. It's impossible. They'll just screw you over...again and again...and again. So don't try to fix me...please." More blinking. More tears.

God I'm so messed up. Why can't I just let it all go?

He sat up to look at Erin, meeting her eyes levely and leaning
forward until he wasn't far from her face, "I don't want you to ever think I don't care. I mean it when I say those things, Erin. I'm so messed up I don't know what to do with myself, but I'm gonna be better eventually. I ask myself every day why you put up with me, but I can't think like that anymore, even if I believe in it. If I'm always thinking about why, and questioning you and that you like me, then how am I ever supposed to move forward?" he stared down at her hand and suddenly wished he could take it in his, to reestablish the physical contact again, "Natalie...Natalie hurt and helped me. She was my first girlfriend. She was...so important to me. And I want you to know that I never stopped being there for her, and I'll never stop being there for you. Even when I should probably go. I'm sorry. But this is who I am. And this person still cares about you, even when he can't remember where he is or what he's doing with himself." he swallowed, "Or why he can see dead bodies on his car after something so stupid as a lady running a red light."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

Of course he didn't answer her right away. He was probably furious at her now for what she'd said. It would be just like every other argument they'd had, where she got worked up about something stupid, he got offended, she cried stupidly, he felt bad for her and apologized for something he wasn't entirely guilty of. And nothing would be any better for it. It would just all build up again until next time, always stemming from Erin's inability to speak her mind when it really mattered.

She prepared herself for the reaction.

"Erin..." Here it comes. "Do you really think that? A-Any of it?" She nodded slowly, her expression matching his own. But it was probably a rhetorical question, and she didn't catch it. That's how it usually was, anyway. I'm such an idiot. "I'm never bored of you. I'm sorry if the things I've done in the past give you no reason to trust me...but I'm serious. I never left you. I knew you hated me, and I hoped that somehow you could use me as...I dunno...a bad example of what you didn't want in life or something. And that our breakup would make you better. It would make you clear of me." She didn't like the sound of his words. She didn't like hearing about his thoughts on their being apart, she didn't like remembering it at all, and she wanted him to stop, but now that he was talking to her, how could she tell him that? Erin swallowed hard, watching him, still full of the same furstration, concern and worry cocktail of emotions. "But I know that you want me, even if I'm messed up. Even if I hurt you every day. Because you seem to know I don't mean it. I don't appreciate you or take care of you in the way that you need, Erin. And I hate that. But I'm trying...I'm really trying to get better. But.."

Yukito let out a sigh and flopped backwards on the bed, still not meeting her eyes even though now Erin couldn't look anywhere besides him, trying to catch his eyes. "But that's not enough. Things like the accident the other day...they'd just keep coming up. I didn't just see anybody. I saw the girl I loved before I met you."

I'm not his first love, Erin thought numbly. I wonder if he still likes her better.

"You know me, Erin. I wouldn't say I loved her if I didn't mean it, right?" She nodded, now for the first time feeling the water in her eyes. "I saw her... sprawled across the windshield... and she was covered in blood. I've memorized the color. I remember...exactly...how her hair looks when its all sticky and covered in it. I dunno why I saw it, but I try not to care too much. Because I'm sick of talking to people I don't know and getting prodded and poked and having my mind read like a radar screen."

She was having a hard time following his train of thought... of what radar screens and strangers had to do with it and why he'd have a mental image of blood and hair. But she was afraid if she said anything then he would stop, and that would be far, far worse.

"I met her several years ago when I went to Tokyo with my mom. She liked to draw... She liked to draw me. She gave me some really good music, and she had this pretty laugh and she liked me. I don't know if we ever talked about actually dating each other or whatever. It was all just...we just did it. We didn't second-guess or confirm it because we didn't have to and didn't want to. That would ruin the fun. She came from a bad family. A real bad one. I don't know all that happened in it, but I know it was awful, and even worse than mine. But she was always happier than me, and I wanted that. I wanted to keep her safe and I was too stupid to succeed. We had even planned on running away, like a whole lame-ass Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn thing. She had even decided she was Tom, and I was a Huck." Do you wish I was her? Is that why you don't like talking to me? The mental question on top of everything else made hiding the tears harder to do, and a couple slipped. Please keep staring up and don't notice I did that...

"I hid her from her parents, and she helped me forget a lot of things I wanted to forget about. But she made me deal with stuff. She wouldn't let things drop and it was annoying as hell..." He glanced up at her and Erin just looked back, wide-eyed, not sure how to respond or if to respond at all. "Kinda like you do." He sent her a little smile before looking away again. The hard knot in her throat would have kept Erin from speech even if she had attempted it. "She killed herself. We were fifteen, and I was pretending like there had been no warnings, no signs, no differences in her. I came to the crummy little apartment we had found and found her on her bed, blood everywhere. I knew she used to cut herself but I thought we had talked about that and worked through it. I didn't pay any mind to it anymore. Natalie was happy. Natalie was good at being happy when life tried to screw her over. It was her talent."

The amount of pain, the anguish that she knew lay behind his fluid words and quiet face were totally and completely foreign to Erin. She could hardly say she'd lost a relative to old age (her grandfather that she had never really been close to), much less loosing someone she loved, so... wrongly.... She did know friends that cut, and that was bad enough just knowing they did, but it made no sense to her at all-- and it made no sense that you would kill yourself when you were in love. And it made no sense that she was silently comparing herself to this girl in the back of her mind, wondering so many things about her and if Erin could measure up to win the admiration that she thought she could still hear in Yukito's voice. She's dead and Yukito's still grieving and I'm still being so selfish! ....Why would you kill yourself if you were in love? Why would you hurt the one you loved so much like that? Didn't you care how much you would hurt him, Natalie? Look at how you hurt him! she screamed inside her head, tearing up sufficiently enough that plenty salty drops fell to gravity. He didn't deserve that at all... he didn't deserve you doing that to him. He doesn't deserve to be hurting so much now. He doesn't deserve to be having day-terrors about you, he doesn't deserve any of this!

"I was there, and I was the one who called in the emergency. I was the one trying to mop up the blood, and I was the one who hadn't talked with her enough, and hadn't done enough to save her. I should have gone to a therapist or something, told someone where she was and what she had come from. I should have told someone how messed up she was before it got that bad. But I was stupid... I was stupid enough to think I was good enough to protect her and fix her. You can't fix people, Erin. It's impossible. They'll just screw you over...again and again...and again. So don't try to fix me...please."

"Yuk--" Erin started, voice strained and rough from the knot in her throat, then restarted. "Yukito, I don't want to fix you. I don't have to," she muttered shaking her head and looking down next to her. "I like how you are... I don't want to fix you, I just want you to let me know when you're broken, okay?" I know that sounds lame... but I don't know what else to tell you.. You aren't going to be perfect, and I don't want you to be. God knows I'm not, and you don't expect me to be perfect, either... I just... I want to know you... That's all. "I just... want to know you. Really know you..." she said so quietly it was a near-whisper.

He sat up, and Erin looked up at him at his movement, him finally meeting her eyes levelly and leaning forward until he wasn't far from her face. "I don't want you to ever think I don't care. I mean it when I say those things, Erin. I'm so messed up I don't know what to do with myself, but I'm gonna be better eventually. I ask myself every day why you put up with me, but I can't think like that anymore, even if I believe in it. If I'm always thinking about why, and questioning you and that you like me, then how am I ever supposed to move forward?" Yukito's eyes dropped, and Erin worried something bad was coming. Like he was going to say he could never move forward, or take her with him if he did, and she knew it was stupid to feel like that, but she did... "Natalie...Natalie hurt and helped me. She was my first girlfriend. She was...so important to me."

Erin nodded, ignoring how the motion sent more pain across her skull and into her neck, quietly confirming, "She was your first love...."

"And I want you to know that I never stopped being there for her, and I'll never stop being there for you. Even when I should probably go. I'm sorry. But this is who I am. And this person still cares about you, even when he can't remember where he is or what he's doing with himself.... Or why he can see dead bodies on his car after something so stupid as a lady running a red light."

Without hesitation Erin pulled herself close to Yukito, silently crying, wanting more than anything to feel his arm around her. "Yukito..." she started. "Did you know you're talking in third person?" She laughed as she cried, which only turned out to be an awkward choking sound that probably made her sound like a total imbecile. People don't joke at times like this, you idiot! Apologize! The mental chide renewed the tears, and she felt awful knowing that once again her tears were going to be on his clothes. "I'm sorry." Erin swallowed hard, then voiced her thoughts as they came to her: "Do you-- do you wish I was-- I mean... do you want--" No, I can't say that! I can't ask him if he ever compares me to her, that's just... wrong! "I'm really sorry, Yukito, I told you I was selfish," she cried, burrowing closer to him still, fingers entwined in the loose clothe of his shirt. Her head was screaming and she didn't know how much longer she could bite her tongue about it. "I love you." Maybe if she just closed her eyes and held onto him she would feel better. So she did it, wincing a little at another wave of pain. Like a subtle cruel prod that she wasn't doing what she was asking him to do, and for him it was so much harder... Maybe if it didn't go away and after they talked a little more... she didn't want to make this more about her.

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki


"Yuk--" She sounded smothered when she started, and had to try again. "Yukito, I don't want to fix you. I don't have to," she muttered, shaking her head and looking down. "I like how you are... I don't want to fix you, I just want you to let me know when you're broken, okay? I just... want to know you. Really know you..." she whispered, and he sat up to meet her eyes. She would never have any idea how much it meant to him to hear her say that. Even if he would never understand it.

Yukito leaned forward until their faces were quite close, his emphasis pressed through the look in his eyes. "I don't want you to ever think I don't care. I mean it when I say those things, Erin. I'm so messed up I don't know what to do with myself, but I'm gonna be better eventually. I ask myself every day why you put up with me, but I can't think like that anymore, even if I believe in it. If I'm always thinking about why, and questioning you and that you like me, then how am I ever supposed to move forward?" Yukito's eyes dropped. "Natalie...Natalie hurt and helped me. She was my first girlfriend. She was...soimportant to me."

Erin nodded, "She was your first love...." He wanted to reassure her that he loved Erin more, but he couldn't deny her statement.

"And I want you to know that I never stopped being there for her, and I'll never stop being there for you. Even when I should probably go. I'm sorry. But this is who I am. And this person still cares about you, even when he can't remember where he is or what he's doing with himself.... Or why he can see dead bodies on his car after something so stupid as a lady running a red light." He felt the now-familiar sensation of having the wind knocked out of him as Erin threw her arms around him. Yukito knew she was crying, and he wasn't surprised.

"Yukito..." she started. "Did you know you're talking in third person?"

He paused, confused, then started to laugh weakly along with her. "No...really? So now I'm insane as well...They always said they were surprised I wasn't crazier. Like..jumping off of buildings kind of crazy."

"I'm sorry." Erin swallowed hard, then: "Do you-- do you wish I was-- I mean... do you want--"

He frowned. "No, Erin. Absolutely not." he said with conviction, "I love you for being you."

"I'm really sorry, Yukito, I told you I was selfish," she cried, burrowing closer to him still, her fingers clinging to his shirt. "I love you."

Yukito smiled softly, "I love you, too." He nuzzled his nose into her hair and breathed in her scent, closing his eyes and relinquishing a sigh. "I just wish this could be easier." There were a long few minutes, and then he felt himself shaking, and it took Yukito awhile to realize that he was crying. Not the quiet, tear-stained-cheeks sort of crying that happened when Erin was usually around. The shoulder-racking sobs that he couldn't control, and never released anymore. His eyes hurt, his throat hurt, and his chest felt constricted and beaten to a pulp by memories thick and relentless. But he was crying to Erin, and to Natalie. And to himself. He pulled her closer, as if she was about to pull away, and cried harder. It didn't take long for his breath to be all spent and his sobs to become more pain than a release. He knew it was totally pathetic to be acting like this, but would take a lot more than knowing to make him stop.

"I'm s-solry..." he said with a watery slur, as if he was pleading with her, "I'm getting better."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

"I'm sorry." Erin swallowed hard, then: "Do you-- do you wish I was-- I mean... do you want--" She couldn't get her words out, not able to keep her worries to herself but at the same time hating how she sounded for thinking them.

"No, Erin. Absolutely not." A wave of relief washed over her at the certainty in his voice. "I love you for being you."

Why did she always find herself bringing everything back to her? He'd just totally bared his heart to her and she'd responded with that... "I'm really sorry, Yukito, I told you I was selfish..." She held tight to him. "I love you."

"I love you, too." He felt him close to her, right next to her, so close and finally it felt like it was more than just physically. Let me keep you forever, okay? "I just wish this could be easier."

"If it was easy it wouldn't be worth it," she commented back easily, quietly. Where that came from, Erin didn't know, maybe she'd heard it said before... but it made sense. And it felt true. What made something special was how rare it was, how hard it was to catch. And she wanted them to be like that so much. Erin kept her eyes shut, head resting on him and arms tight about him, ignoring the screaming in her head and neck as much as she could.

It took Erin a second to realize that the sounds and motions coming from Yukito were sobs. Real full-fledged sobs, like the ones Erin hated to cry because it hurt so much but sometimes couldn't help, like when Yukito had brought her back home after she'd been out all night. Sometimes you couldn't help it, no matter how much you tried to keep them back, and Erin realized this was just another way, whether he knew it or not, he was letting her see his heart a bit. He'd never use such lame phrasing, and Erin thought it was weird she was even thinking like that, but it was true even so because it was his heart and it was something beautiful.

Yukito pulled her closer still, crying with her in his arms, and she reached up to run her hand through his hair, over and over until he told her to stop it because it's all Erin knew to do, because she didn't want to stop him at all. He needed this, and she needed him, and he seemed to need her, too.

"I'm s-solry...I'm getting better."

"I know, Yukitokun... it's okay, it's fine..." she said, still repeating the same action with his hair as she gave a soft kiss to his cheek. "You aren't alone, okay? I'm not going anywhere." A repeat of the kiss. "I love you. It's okay..." She hugged him close to her, not letting go until he felt like he wanted to. "I promise."

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

"If it was easy it wouldn't be worth it," she commented back in a quiet voice. He agreed with her, but he couldn't find his voice. Instead he found himself shaking violently in sobs, holding her until he was afraid he would hurt her. It didn't matter if he was embarrassed or weak, or if he had totally dug up something Erin shouldn't hold the weight of in her mind. To have said it out loud, to have said it to her, and to have brought back the memories of Natalie and everything wrong that had happened then, made it hurt worse. Before it hadn't hurt so much because he could have denied it, could have been in shock. Now it was a reality, it was a part of him and his past that he would never really escape. And it hurt.

Erin's hands ran through his hair and he started to relax, even if it was just a little. He wanted to tell her how big a difference that made - wanted to tell her the other times such a simple, silly action had calmed him - but those memories sent him back into the crying, and he barely managed to mutter a few slurred, heavily-accented words. "I'm s-solry...I'm getting better."

"I know, Yukitokun... it's okay, it's fine..." he found himself settling down at last when she leaned forward to kiss his cheek, soft and comforting. "You aren't alone, okay? I'm not going anywhere." A repeat of the kiss. "I love you. It's okay..." She pulled him closer, and he gave in easily, almost like a child again as he let his head fall against her, half-leaning on her. "I promise."

"Thanks," he mumbled half-coherently. You aren't alone, okay?

You aren't alone.

"You change me, Erin..." he said quietly, still leaning his head on her shoulder and staring off blankly, the tears still wetting his cheeks while he spoke. "You didn't know me before, so you don't really see...but I was so different. I'm not good for anybody. I never have been. But I want to get closer to you. I want to do cheesy things with you and make ridiculous plans and tease with you. I want you to teach me to do things I haven't been able to do. Ever..." he blinked hard. "You're good for me."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

"I love you. It's okay..." Erin didn't have any idea what to really say besides that, just that she wanted him to know without a shadow of a doubt how sincere she was about what she said-- about loving him, about being there for him like she was right now, about how his honesty even with something so terrible and hard and hurtful made her love him more. She pulled him closer, reassuring him the only way she could think of. "I promise."

"Thanks." At least that's what she figured he'd said, since he still sounded pretty distraught. She didn't respond, only keeping him close to her, memorizing the moment, the way it all felt to have him so near, both in presence and in heart.

"You change me, Erin..." he said quietly, his head still close on her shoulder, nearly like she'd done to him so many times now, but so many of those times had been happy, laughing, teasing, and this was so much more.. so much deeper, so much harder, so much easier, so much more real, and she imagined it had to make them better. Both of them, they'd be better together because of it. Because it was like an invisible barrier that she hadn't even seen had just had a huge hole blown out of it, and they could see each other better now. Hear each other better now. And it was tough, especially for Yukito... she couldn't imagine having to see what he must have seen, having to loose what he lost... in fact, she was terrified by the thought of being in the position he had been in... the idea of loosing him-- No, stop thinking like that! She held onto him fast. "You didn't know me before, so you don't really see...but I was so different. I'm not good for anybody. I never have been. But I want to get closer to you. I want to do cheesy things with you and make ridiculous plans and tease with you. I want you to teach me to do things I haven't been able to do. Ever... You're good for me."

Erin's solemn expression fell deeper at his words, and she was grateful he didn't have a straight view of her face at the moment. She rubbed his back with one hand in an effort to console and reassure as she tried to put her own words together. "That's not true... You're good for me, Yukito. I really love you. I don't ever want to be without you ever again, because it just sucks without you." Realizing that she'd gotten herself teary-eyed again, Erin gave a short laugh. "But I'm glad you want to be cheesy and ridiculous with me... I'm really good at those things, apparently." She looked at him intently, still holding fast to one another, and buried her face next to him, shutting her eyes once more. Quietly she started, "I don't think you got to see all your presents, Yukitokun." She smiled softly beside him. "I wanna know what you think of the melonpan." And she paused for a minute, thinking of how she could feel so relieved and content in the middle of it all.... "Yukitokun... thank you for telling me..." Another hug and brushed her lips to his cheek.