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Post by Elda Forever on Jan 9, 2010 1:58:10 GMT -5
Recovery
Yukito Maki
Despite his best attempt and stubborn determination to stay with Erin the entire time she was in the hospital, he only made it through the first night and second day before he began falling asleep standing up. He couldn't rest in there, and he couldn't stay away from work right now, when he needed to work as much as he still could. When he finally relented to go, he felt like he was giving up on something. Driving away those thoughts, he kept returning as often as he could while still getting enough sleep to function.
But now that part was going to be over. He asked the doctor if he was sure, unable to keep the smile from his face. Yes, she could go home today, as long as she checked out as well today as she had the last time he'd seen her. She was improving, and was ready for home now. He felt a rush of joy that Erin might have expressed through a squeal and a leap into the air, though he kept it wrapped in his first warm smile to the doctor, actually thanking him as he started for her room. He leaned into the doorway slowly, seeing her still asleep. Yukito slipped in as soundlessly as he could, avoiding the tell-tale squeak of sneakers on the polished floor. He smirked to himself as he stood at the end of her bed, watching her for a moment. You're beautiful when you sleep, Erin. He was glad she had gone back to the baby-like peaceful expression she used to hold when she slept, instead of the pained (or stoned) look she had at first.
The guitar strap was digging into his shoulder, so he adjusted it. The acoustic instrument was as old as he was, and when he was little he used to pretend its sound aged along with him. Now it must have surpassed him, letting out a mellow, smooth sounding note to fill the small hospital room, ready for its little celebration. He strummed it a little wearily at first, his muscles still tired from the last few days, but he picked up energy by the third or fourth measure. Yukito's face washed away most of the traces from his smile the faster his fingers held the minor chord, giving off a sound like a lullaby with a trace of dark to it. When he started to sing, quietly but with speed and his tongue working hard to wrap around the Japanese words as clear as possible, he looked up to study Erin's face. When the chorus came, the tempo altered to fit Erin more than himself - cheerful and pleasantly needy, his voice rising in volume as if calling out to someone far away. He started to take a few, slow steps closer to the end of her bed, until he was standing within arm's reach of her on her left side. There wasn't any English except in the chorus, which was a very distinct, "Good morning, sunshine...Good morning, sunshine..." He beamed down at her, ending with a long, drawn out and sung, "Ohyasume..."
He gave a little bow as the guitar died away, using the movement to bend down and press his lips to hers. "It doesn't give you justice, I'm afraid."
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
The past few days, it felt as though Erin had been repeating the same things over and over. "I'm bored here... I hate laying down all the time.. I wanna get up and walk around... I wanna go home now.. they keep bringing me crap on a plate and telling me to eat it... It's too quiet, too cold, too boring... I hate it when you're not here." At least one of her parents was there every few hours, and Yukito would always come whenever he could get off work, but still, it was awful. They'd taken out the IV a good while back, but you could still see the puncture hole and the ugly purple bruise it gave her in her arm, but at least she could take her medicine in pill form now, though. It still made her pretty lightheaded and dizzy and she probably talked too much on it, but Erin was sure she'd be fine once she was at home with Yukito.
Sleeping inside the icy and impersonal hospital room wasn't an easy feat-- during the night she'd shifted and wriggled as much as the bed and her sensitive side would allow, waking and returning to sleep several times. Now she'd been asleep for a couple of hours solid, even though it was a little later in the morning, her fingers tightly wrapped around the cold sheets that didn't belong to her. A sound started working its way into her dreams as she slept, and soon it fell into the pattern of a song, though it was a song that didn't make sense in her head. She liked listening to it, though, and felt herself smile in her dreams-- whether she smiled in real life, Erin didn't know or care.
It took her almost to the end of the song to realize it was Yukito and that it was real, and Erin flitted her eyes open, finding him beside her bed, half-hidden behind the large body of an acoustic guitar. A smile grew on her face. "Good morning, sunshine...Good morning, sunshine..." Yukito returned her big smile, giving a final sung, "Ohyasume..."
He gave a little bow as the guitar died away, using the movement to bend down and press his lips to hers, even as Erin continued to smile. "It doesn't give you justice, I'm afraid."
"It was beautiful," she murmured in reply. "I'm okay with waking up like that every day, if you want..." Then, the full realization that it was a new day hit her, and her face lit up. "Hey! I can leave today, right? Don't I get to leave today? When can I go? Did they tell you?"
As if on cue, in walked her mother, carrying a bag of clothes in one hand. "Good morning!" she greeted them both, probably about as chipper as Erin felt about the prospect of getting out of there. "Erin, I have some clothes for you when they finally give the okay for you to leave!" Erin saw the JC Penny label on the handbag. Oh, god, she shopped for me... this can't end well...
"Um... okay," Erin said, still smiling genuinely but with a little uncertainty in her voice. "So does anyone know when I can leave already?"
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
Her stay in the hospital had given him a lot of time to watch her sleep. Normally, this meant an oddly still and immobile Erin. Secretly he'd managed to take a few pictures of her and hid them for his own enjoyment. But lately she'd been fussier as she slept, like a little kid with bad dreams, once in awhile a little whimper escaping through her lips. Now, she seemed deep into her slumber as she started to play his song for her, making him feel almost guilty at breaking that sleep. But he knew if it was the other way around, Erin would be leaping on the bed or calling out for him loudly to tell him the good news. He continued to play, coming to hover at his favorite spot next to her, seeing the soft up-tilt of her full lips, making him beam with pleasure. When she finally opened her eyes, he had a hard time keeping his face just straight enough to sing the song as best as he could. It was difficult with her smiling up at him, their eyes meeting steadily.
He gave a little bow as the guitar died away, using the movement to bend down and press his lips to hers, even as Erin continued to smile. "It doesn't give you justice, I'm afraid."
"It was beautiful," she murmured in reply. "I'm okay with waking up like that every day, if you want..." He laughed aloud at that, making a mental note of it before the usual perky Erin made a new discovery. "Hey! I can leave today, right? Don't I get to leave today? When can I go? Did they tell you?"
He nodded, beaming as he proudly announced, "Erin Chloe Spenser, welcome to your last day in prison." Before he could answer all of her questions in turn, though, her mother arrived.
"Good morning!" she greeted them both cheerfully, "Erin, I have some clothes for you when they finally give the okay for you to leave!"
"Um... okay," Erin said, still smiling genuinely but with a little uncertainty in her voice. "So does anyone know when I can leave already?"
"The doctor has a few more rounds to check up on, but he should be in here by the hour to give you your final checkup. And hopefully a checkout." He was as sick of the hospital as Erin was. Yukito checked his watch, "If he's not here in forty-five minutes I'm going to find him and bug him until he comes."
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"Hey! I can leave today, right? Don't I get to leave today? When can I go? Did they tell you?" She sat up a bit in anticipation, silently hushing the deep twinge she felt in the movement.
He nodded, grinning at her widely. "Erin Chloe Spenser, welcome to your last day in prison."
"Yes!" she cheered, both fists pumped into the air above her head. "There is a God!"
Just then her mother entered the little room, a shopping bag in tow. "Good morning!" she greeted them both cheerfully. "Erin, I have some clothes for you when they finally give the okay for you to leave!"
"Um... okay," Erin said, smiling still, but wary at the same time. "So does anyone know when I can leave already?"
Yukito answered that one, as Mandi busied herself with collecting the various things Erin had collected in her room over her short stay, that she'd begged either Yukito or her parents to bring to her (CDs, a small CD player/radio, her iPod, her own blankets, and a small throw pillow). "The doctor has a few more rounds to check up on, but he should be in here by the hour to give you your final checkup. And hopefully a checkout." "Thank God," Erin tacked on, making herself sit up completely. It was alright once she was up, it was just the moving to that point that didn't feel very good right now. And she only wanted to take that medicine, she decided, only when she had to, like, to sleep or something. "If he's not here in forty-five minutes I'm going to find him and bug him until he comes."
Erin grinned, then laughed a little at his eagerness to get her home, too. "So what do we do while we wait?"
"Here," her mother started, reaching into the bag and pulling out a hair brush, offering it to Erin. "Go ahead and--"
"Thank you!" Erin gushed, snatching the brush and eagerly running it through her hair. It felt so sick and gross without brushing her own hair, and she was sure she looked like complete trash in the papery gown. "How much longer do I have to wait? Can't I get out of this stupid gown yet?"
Mandi shook her head. "Not until the doctor says so." Erin dropped the brush in her lap, pursing her lips in discontent. "I hate hospitals..."
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
He nodded, grinning at her widely. "Erin Chloe Spenser, welcome to your last day in prison."
"Yes!" she cheered, both fists pumped into the air above her head, making him smile. "There is a God!"
Just then her mother entered the little room, a shopping bag in tow. "Good morning!" she greeted them both cheerfully. "Erin, I have some clothes for you when they finally give the okay for you to leave!"
"Um... okay," Erin said, smiling still, but wary at the same time. "So does anyone know when I can leave already?" Nearby, Mandi started collecting Erin's collection of things - it surprised him how much she had acquired during such a short stay, but tried not to comment on it too often - and Yukito answered her question.
"The doctor has a few more rounds to check up on, but he should be in here by the hour to give you your final checkup. And hopefully a checkout."
"Thank God," Erin tacked on, sitting up straight. It was good to see her moving more, now. He knew she wanted to be racing around the house again. Inwardly, he had joked to himself about buying restraints for her, then quickly dismissed the idea. He took a pointed look at his watch.
"If he's not here in forty-five minutes I'm going to find him and bug him until he comes."
Erin grinned, then laughed a little at his eagerness to get her home, too. "So what do we do while we wait?"
"Here," her mother started, reaching into the bag and pulling out a hair brush, offering it to Erin. "Go ahead and--"
"Thank you!" Erin gushed, snatching the brush and eagerly running it through her hair as though it were a lifeline. Yukito rolled his eyes. "How much longer do I have to wait? Can't I get out of this stupid gown yet?"
Mandi shook her head. "Not until the doctor says so." Erin dropped the brush in her lap, pursing her lips in discontent. "I hate hospitals..."
"Me too," he agreed with a nod. "Try doing it for more than a few days sometime." He started packing up her things and shoving them into the bag he'd brought with him, swinging the guitar so that it rested against his back as he lazily collected things. "I've got a few more shelves in, now. But the place doesn't seem to get any cleaner when I touch it. Maybe I'll move the futon into the living room and you can just oversee my work." He sent her a look, "At least I can use the washer and dryer now. But you're not supposed to be up and around, so you're just gonna have to live with me or something." He smirked at that as the doctor came in, bursting with cheerful optimism in his tone. All the usual checkups were done - surgery scars were healing nicely, but it needed to stay clean and she couldn't be moving around too much, everything looked normal and she seemed ready to go. Again came the list of must-be-dones and do-not-dos, which Yukito tried to put to memory as he stood behind her on the opposite side of the bed as the doctor. He smiled down at Erin when they finally got the official go-ahead. "Ready for home?" he asked, smirking.
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"How much longer do I have to wait?" Erin asked, brushing her hair eagerly. It just made her feel so much cleaner when her hair was brushed, but it only worked it she was the one doing it, too. "Can't I get out of this stupid gown yet?"
Mandi shook her head. "Not until the doctor says so." Erin dropped the brush in her lap, disgruntled at the thought of being stuck here any longer than she had to be. "I hate hospitals..." At least her hair was brushed now, and maybe she didn't look like a total zombie. In the back of her mind, Erin wondered if she would ever feel okay with Yukito seeing her less than at least her idea of acceptable. Oh, well... Nothing I can do about it now.
"Me too," Yukito agreed, nodding. "Try doing it for more than a few days sometime."
His words struck her curiosity, and she turned to look at him quizzically. "Why were you there so long?"
Yukito shifted the guitar to his back, freeing himself more to help collect her things. It kind of looked like she'd been there more than a few days with how much of her stuff had migrated there. "I've got a few more shelves in, now."
"All right!" Erin clapped for him, giving him an approving smile. She really was proud of their little home, and it just kept going up. Their home. She doubted it would ever really get old. How could it?
"But the place doesn't seem to get any cleaner when I touch it." Erin gave a little laugh. She had to remind herself not to laugh too hard or deep, it would still hurt more than she wanted. "Maybe I'll move the futon into the living room and you can just oversee my work." Erin frowned at the idea of still being bedridden, even if it was at home. He sent her a look, "At least I can use the washer and dryer now. But you're not supposed to be up and around, so you're just gonna have to live with me or something." Erin's smile returned, only to widen as the doctor finally came in. "I'm ready!" she informed him, purely genuine. After another routine of checking her, asking questions, and making sure she understood what all her limitations were, and what to expect over the next few weeks. As if she hadn't heard it a dozen times already... but at least it got her out sooner if she said "yes," and nodded her head every once in a while. He even bothered to go over the instructions on the prescription he handed her, again. As if she didn't know how to take a pill... whatever. Finally, he cleared her to officially get out of there, and she wished she could jump out of the stupid bed screaming, tackling Yukito in the biggest hug, but she couldn't do any of that. Instead, she took both her mother's hands as she sat up and carefully slid out of the bed.
"Ready for home?" Yukito asked, a smirk on his face.
"I'm not going home in this stupid paper thing," she repeated determinedly. After both of the females disappearing into the bathroom, Mandi extracted the red sweater dress that she'd purchased the evening before, earning her a pair of wide eyes from Erin. Don't make me wear THAT! She hated most sweaters and most dresses, so why would her mother buy something with both in the same piece of clothing? "Erin, don't look at me like that, you needed something warm and loose-fitting so it wouldn't aggravate the incisions. Trust me, you'll look just fine in it!"
"No one looks just fine in a sweater dress," Erin grumbled, letting her mother aid her in dressing. She felt stiff and sore and swollen still, and even though the dress was loose enough it still felt tender when the fibers crossed her stomach a certain way. Meanwhile she took advantage of the bathroom to finish fixing her hair as best she could in the limited facilities, brushing her teeth hard, and washing her face as thoroughly as you can in the sink before swallowing one of the horse pills the doctor had just given her.
Outside the bathroom door waited a male nurse with a wheel chair, immediately coming to her side that her mother did not occupy, and walked her like she was a freaking invalid to the chair. "I can walk," Erin protested with a slight pout, feeling more and more useless. All it earned her was a casual response that that was standard procedure, and to think of it as being chaufferred for a bit.
Once outside the hospital, finally breathing the nice, polluted city air again (it really was a nice change), Erin found her mother bending low in front of her to meet her eyes, asking one more time, "Are you sure you don't want to come home with us? Your bed is all ready for you, and one of us will always be home with you, and Yukito can come over whenever he likes..."
Despite the guilty feeling welling up again inside of her --they'd made her bed ready for her!?-- Erin shook her head and searched until she found Yukito's hand. "I wanna stay with Yukito... I told you that. He can take care of me, too. Please don't make me feel so guilty, okay?"
Mandi's face fell, injured. "I don't want to make you feel guilty. I just miss you... I'm sorry." Sighing, she stood up, then bent right back down to give Erin's hair a kiss. "If you do change your mind, we'll still be there. I love you."
"I love you, too.. Yukito's gonna take me home now. Okay? I wanna go already..."
"All right, I'm going now, just... call if you need anything, okay?" Erin nodded, and when her mother had made her way to her own car, she turned to look at Yukito. "Okay, I don't want you to roll me to the car... Here," she said, offering her hands out to him.
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
"I hate hospitals..." Erin complained for the hundredth time, brushing out her hair as if it would brush away the memories of the last couple of days.
"Me too," Yukito agreed, nodding. "Try doing it for more than a few days sometime."
Erin sent him a curious look. "Why were you there so long?"
Yukito gave a grim smile, “I broke my arm falling from my window. I think they kept me longer than necessary because they were afraid of mental disturbance,” he chuckled darkly and shifting the guitar around until rested against his back so he could help collect her stuff. Changing the subject, he offered, "I've got a few more shelves in, now."
"All right!" Erin clapped for him, giving him an approving smile. He felt a little twinge of accomplishment at her expression.
"But the place doesn't seem to get any cleaner when I touch it." Erin gave a little laugh. "Maybe I'll move the futon into the living room and you can just oversee my work." He sent her a look, "At least I can use the washer and dryer now. But you're not supposed to be up and around, so you're just gonna have to live with me or something." Kinda like you already are.
Erin's smile returned, only to widen as the doctor finally came in. "I'm ready!" she informed him, purely genuine. The routine followed with lots of warnings and suggestions, but finally they were free. Erin took her mother's hands and together they slipped her cautiously from the bed. Yukito smirked. “Ready for home?” Our home... ha... He was sure the apartment seemed a lot emptier when she'd been here. Even a bed-ridden and irritable Erin was way better than no Erin at all.
"I'm not going home in this stupid paper thing," she repeated determinedly. Yukito chuckled quietly as they vanished into the bathroom. With most of her things wrapped up and ready to go, he sat down on the bed one last time, pulling the guitar forward and strumming it a few times. A male nurse came in, making Yukito slip off the bed and frown at the wheelchair he had brought. “She's not gonna like that,” he mumbled, shaking his head and smiling a little.
"I can walk," Erin protested with a slight pout as she stepped out of the bathroom in a sweater dress that Yukito knew she would have never bought. She looked a lot more like her normal self when she was out of the gown, and he shrugged a little with amusement at her protests. They were no less than expected.
“It won't kill you,” he reasoned, “Plus, you can do wheelies on the way out.” The nurse laughed, but sent him a look, making Yukito sigh with dramatic exasperation, “Or not...” He stepped over to take the wheelchair from the nurse, pushing it out the door. Immediately her mother stepped in for one more try.
"Are you sure you don't want to come home with us? Your bed is all ready for you, and one of us will always be home with you, and Yukito can come over whenever he likes..."
Yukito frowned, but Erin shook her head determinedly. She reached up for his hand and he gave it to her, one hand still on the back of the chair. "I wanna stay with Yukito... I told you that. He can take care of me, too. Please don't make me feel so guilty, okay?"
Mandi's face fell, injured. "I don't want to make you feel guilty. I just miss you... I'm sorry." Sighing, she stood up, then bent right back down to give Erin's hair a kiss. "If you do change your mind, we'll still be there. I love you."
"I love you, too.. Yukito's gonna take me home now. Okay? I wanna go already..."
Yukito looked into Mandi's eyes, “She'll be okay, I promise.”
"All right, I'm going now, just... call if you need anything, okay?" Erin nodded, and when her mother had made her way to her own car, she turned to look at Yukito. "Okay, I don't want you to roll me to the car... Here," she said, offering her hands out to him. He smirked down at her.
“Can I carry you princess-style?” A pause, looking at her face, and he sighed. “Eh...maybe next time, then." He took her hands and helped pull her up, bracing his feet to give her as smooth a lift up as possible. "I love you, you know. But next time, let's avoid the whole hospital, emergency room thing... Is that cool with you?" With a smile, he wrapped his arm around her waist, simultaneously ready to brace her up as well as stay closer to her. There hadn't been much time for doing more than holding hands with her hospital-state. Not to mention her parents popping in almost as much as he did. It was still going to be hard at home, but he felt like they were nearly back to normal, now.
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"Okay, I don't want you to roll me to the car..." Erin said when she was left with just Yukito. "Here." Her hands raised to take his.
Yukito only smirked down at her. “Can I carry you princess-style?”
"Huh? But I've been lying down all week..."
Yukito sighed, though Erin didn't notice the motion. “Eh...maybe next time, then." He took her hands and helped pull her up, Erin wincing a little at the discomfort. It didn't hurt so much as it was sore and uncomfortable now. But she was grateful for Yukito's gentleness. The thought of him being so careful with her made her smile again as she regained her balance, the medicine making her feel dizzy again.
"I love you, you know. But next time, let's avoid the whole hospital, emergency room thing... Is that cool with you?"
"Next time?" Erin asked with a quiet laugh as his arm slipped around her. It was so good to feel him holding her like that, even if it was mostly just to support her. "Unless useless body organs can grow back, there's not gonna be another next time, kareshi." Gingerly she sat down in her seat in the car, and cast him a knowing look. "The seat belt would press right against it, Yuyukun," she pouted.
Once home, Erin inhaled deeply the familiar atmosphere. "I feel like it's been forever," she announced, choosing to stop and lean against the frame of the door. She hadn't realized just how tired and lightheaded she'd felt until just then. Stepping just inside, Erin slipped down the wall to sit reclined on the floor, grimacing a little when she made contact. "That was stupid..." she muttered with a tiny smile. "Hey, Yukito? I don't think I'm gonna make anything tonight... I'm not hungry, anyway..."
Carefully Erin shifted to her knees, then got to her feet. "I'mma go take a shower, all right?" Once inside the bedroom, door closed, a smile grew on Erin's face. She exercised her right as the nosey one and removed one of Yukito's t-shirts from his collection-- one she knew would be too big for her with no doubt.
Taking a shower in your home made you feel three times as good as brushing your own hair with a hair brush. Still feeling a bit drowsy, though, and also hoping Yukito would come looking for her, Erin slid under the bed covers, light still on over her head, watching the door in between cat naps.
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
Looking down into her face, he offered, “Can I carry you princess-style?”
"Huh? But I've been lying down all week..." she complained.
With disappointment riddled in for effect, Yukito sighed, “Eh...maybe next time, then." He took her hands and helped pull her up, seeing her wince and taking extra care to be gentle. But it didn't seem to help her pain any. There was still so little he could do to help, and it irritated him. He slipped his arm around her waist, to bring her closer and to help support her, as her steps were still unsure. "I love you, you know. But next time, let's avoid the whole hospital, emergency room thing... Is that cool with you?"
"Next time?" Erin asked with a quiet laugh. ”Unless useless body organs can grow back, there's not gonna be another next time, kareshi." He smiled at the usage of the nickname, leading the way to the Volvo. He opened the door for her and piled their things in, including the guitar, then they sank down into the vehicle. Instantly he felt her eyes on him. "The seat belt would press right against it, Yuyukun," she pouted.
Yukito leaned heavily back against the seat, tenseness threatening to make its heavy way through into the muscles in his face. He wanted to keep her as safe and comfortable as possible. It was disappointing to find out that right off the bat they had a decision that would only allow one of those at a time. After a long sigh, he leaned forward and pulled her seat belt out, locking it in place loose enough that two or three Erins could have easily fit in them. He buckled it for her, frowning at how loose it was, sprawled across her lap. Essentially, it did her no good. But loose was better than nothing, even if just for his peace of mind. “How about that?”
The drive was shorter than it normally was, and once they went up the sidewalk to the front door, Erin inhaled deeply the familiar atmosphere. He once again was juggling her things in his hand as he unlocked the door. "I feel like it's been forever," she announced, choosing to stop and lean against the frame of the door. His eyes flickered up to her face to silently check for signs of how she was doing. She looked really worn out.
“It does seem like it,” he added in agreement, pushing the door open and letting her go in first. She just made it inside when she sunk down to the floor, grimacing. “Careful,” he added uselessly.
"That was stupid..." she muttered with a tiny smile. "Hey, Yukito? I don't think I'm gonna make anything tonight... I'm not hungry, anyway..."
“Ehh... to be honest I've been living on ramen the last couple of days. You should probably eat a little something, though...anything would help.” He dumped her things on the futon, then went to the kitchen to start going through the cupboards, already looking a little barren from Erin's absence. What about spaghetti...spaghetti should be pretty easy, right? He wished his mother had let him help in the kitchen more. Or Erin. He wished he'd offered more.
"I'mma go take a shower, all right?" Erin called out, and he froze, poking his head around the corner.
“You don't... need help or anything with that.. do you?” He felt a blush start to rise to his cheeks, and he wondered if it would have been smarter to have her mother around for the first couple of days back, even if they valued being in the house with just themselves. Mumbling incoherently under his breath, he turned back to the kitchen and started peeking into cupboards. He knew spaghetti noodles had to be boiled. But he wasn't sure how long, or how much water. He looked at the box, but it offered no help. He grabbed the biggest pot they had and turned the water on, walking away to see if they had any sauce. Nothing. Of course, Erin was all fancy and could make her own sauce. Perfect. No. Way.
It couldn't be too bad, though. He'd wandered around the kitchen while she'd done it. Just not very long. And not paying any attention. She used tomatoes...and other stuff... He started pulling out random items and stacking them on the counter. His pot of water was full, so he set it on the stove and turned it on. It was a lot of water... He peered into the pot and frowned, then turned the stove on high, turning to his sauce.
Okay... tomatoes, garlic.. there was something green in it... what was it? He pulled out a saucepan and cut up the tomatoes. He'd cut onions and things for his mother, but tomatoes were a different story. They ended up slimy and gross-looking. I hope it doesn't matter. It's gonna be sauce, right? He decided onions could probably go in, too, and dumped those on top, along with salt and pepper. Those went on everything, right? He stared into the fridge, almost glaring at the vegetation waiting patiently to be chosen. He didn't know what the green things in the sauce were. Yukito heard the shower running in the bedroom, and knew Erin was going to be in there for awhile, so he couldn't ask her. No music, either, in case she called out for help. He was on his own this time, and wishing he'd payed more attention.
Lettuce might go in. Everyone uses freaking lettuce in freaking everything. And it's only a little bit, anyways. It won't taste much different. He took off a leaf from the head of lettuce and tore it up into little pieces about the size he recalled them being, and tossed them into the pan, taking a spoon to stir it. It was kind of lumpy, and definitely not a smooth, tasty-looking sauce. Yukito wrinkled his nose at it, then took a cup of water and dumped it in, stirring it around. He peeked over at the water set on the boil for the noodles. Nothing. He stuck his finger in to test it. It was a little warm, but not much. "That's gonna take forever..." he grumbled.
The sauce wasn't doing much better. It was heating up but not getting any more sauce-like. He tried adding a few more things - more onion, because he knew that was alright and edible - and more salt and pepper. Except this time, the pepper lid came off. Swearing loudly, he scooped out the dark pile of pepper that was trying to infiltrate the thin defenses of the surface to his sauce and dumped it into the sink. He rinsed off the spoon and swore a little more. This wasn't going so well.
The next thirty minutes went by slowly, making Yukito more and more frustrated. The water didn't come to a boil - he ended up dumping the noodles in too early, then letting half of them burn to the bottom. They stuck together, no matter how much he tried to pry them apart one by one. A few were passable, at least. The sauce never quite made it to a sauce-stage. Instead it was more of a solid than a liquid, with a puddle of water sitting uselessly along the outside of the pan. Once he got the meat in, he realized he should have cooked it separately first, and had to take it back out. The bit of sauce still clinging to the sides of the hamburger burnt and sizzled to the new pan, sticking like glue. At last, it was at least moderately at a point where he could claim it finished. Looking as glum as was possible, he scooped out the wet spaghetti and set it in the strainer, staring at the clump of contents.
Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea for him to set aside money for cookbooks. For dummies. He picked two bowls out of the cupboard and tore off some noodles, then set the sauce on top of it. At least the meat turned out alright, once he scraped off the burnt side. It wasn't very tasty but it was edible. Yukito had been most of the way through cooking the mean when he realized he should have been tasting it for flavor all the way, despite his instincts not to. Then, things had gone a little better.
He took the two bowls of 'spaghetti' and walked into the bedroom, looking embarrassed. But once he saw Erin lying on the bed, covered up by the blankets and dozing lightly, he had to smile a little. "I officially suck at cooking. I hope you were serious when you said you weren't hungry." He held out the bowl for her to see the fruit of his labors, "Now you know I wasn't kidding." Yukito then noticed what she was wearing, and he arched an eyebrow, humor in his voice as he asked, "Why are you wearing my shirt?"
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
It had always been her habit to sleep on her side, and sleeping beside Yukito only reinforced that, but she couldn't sleep on her side now, either one. One, for obvious reasons, and the other, because it made the muscle behind her hip tug uncomfortably against the fresh scar for some reason. So until it was more healed, she was stuck sleeping on her back, in mild discomfort. It wasn't as if Erin was sleeping all that hard, anyway, she was just a bit drowsy. So when Yukito entered the room, she was half-awake enough to hear him, and opened up her eyes fully to try and wake herself up a bit more. He was carrying bowls, and she smelt the scents drifting from the kitchen. "You cooked? Maybe it'll snow tonight, too!" she giggled.
"I officially suck at cooking," Yukito announced bluntly as Erin sat up, once again telling herself to ignore the twinge. It would go away soon enough. At least it was just a twinge. She'd take that any day over the literal gut-wrenching. She lifted her head, silently asking to see into the bowls, rich in curiosity as to what in the world he attempted. "What is it?"
"I hope you were serious when you said you weren't hungry." Yukito lowered the bowls for her to see, and she grinned. There was nearly-naked spaghetti, with pieces of cooked tomato and a sufficient amount of onion to be noticeable, and-- "Yukito, is that lettuce in the spaghetti?" she asked, giggling.
"Now you know I wasn't kidding."
"No joke," she agreed, still blatantly amused. "But I really love that you tried. I'm really not hungry at all, I still feel like I'm stuffed, but I'll still try it, though. Come sit." She patted the covers next to her.
Yukito seemed to register the difference in her appearance then, finally asking, "Why are you wearing my shirt?"
Her giggles returned, but closer to laughs this time, and she grinned at him. "'Cause I'm your girlfriend and I can. What're you gonna do about it?"
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
He took the two bowls of 'spaghetti' and walked into the bedroom, looking embarrassed. But once he saw Erin lying on the bed, covered up by the blankets and dozing lightly, he had to smile a little. "I officially suck at cooking. I hope you were serious when you said you weren't hungry." He held out the bowl for her to see the fruit of his labors, "Now you know I wasn't kidding." Yukito then noticed what she was wearing, and he arched an eyebrow, humor in his voice as he asked, "Why are you wearing my shirt?"
Entering the room with the bowls held in both hands felt a little like presenting a composition he knew sucked to someone whose opinion actually mattered musically. He knew Erin could tell the difference between a good and God-awful spaghetti, and this was definitely in the latter category. Erin looked like she had been resting, but her eyes widened a little in surprise at the sight of what he brought. "You cooked? Maybe it'll snow tonight, too!" she giggled.
"I officially suck at cooking,"Yukito announced bluntly, as his sort of foreshadowing as she sat up, trying to look into the bowls and see how it had turned out. "What is it?"
“Spaghetti. I wish,” He sighed. “I hope you were serious when you said you weren't hungry." Yukito lowered the bowls for her to see, and she grinned, as though spelled out in the clumpy noodles and chunk of wanna-be sauce was an extremely funny joke
"Yukito, is that lettuce in the spaghetti?" she asked, giggling. His embarrassment deepend.
"Now you know I wasn't kidding." He recalled telling her at least a dozen times before that he couldn't cook, and that even water was dangerous with him. Every time she had laughed it away, dubbing it something like male pride or an exaggeration or whatever. At least now she could see for herself he'd been dead serious.
"No joke," she agreed, not bothering to hide how funny she found it all. "But I really love that you tried. I'm really not hungry at all, I still feel like I'm stuffed, but I'll still try it, though. Come sit." She patted the covers next to her. For some reason the gesture felt like she was trying to reassure him and make him feel better, which sent a sort of a sulk to his expression as he sat down next to her.
“I warned you,” he mumbled again, as though it made any difference now. Then, his eyes took in what she was wearing, and he recognized the black KISS t-shirt he'd bought at the Fest a couple of months before when they'd gone together. It had turned out way too big, but he still wore it, so it floated around with his other band paraphernalia. "Why are you wearing my shirt?" A single eyebrow arched in good humor as he asked.
Her giggles returned, but closer to laughs this time, and she grinned at him. "'Cause I'm your girlfriend and I can. What're you gonna do about it?"
Yukito smirked, setting their bowls down on the floor carefully before leaping back up to grab a hold of one of her bare feet and tickling it, "How about this?!" he laughed, not tickling her as long as he would have wished, knowing her 'wound' would still have to heal. It was kind of a downer, the whole appendix-gone thing.
He turned to watch her for a moment, then, deep in thought. "It's just kind of weird to see you in it..." he added. Then, "You know, it's never a good time to tell you all the things I need to." Yukito leaned over to touch his nose to hers lightly, catching the scent of her freshly-shampooed hair. A wet strand of her hair brushed against his cheek, and the idea he'd been brewing on began to bubble to the surface again. "Erin, you remember the whole night at the pool?" He paused, "That's kind of a stupid question. Of course you would. But I've been thinking about it lately, and.." he shifted on the bed, folding one leg up underneath himself. "I never want that to happen again, you know? And...living together has made it easier for me. I don't get so freaked out when you come up behind me and I don't hear you... I can lay in bed next to you and it doesn't bother me much. But you know that's not as far as it goes."
He worked his lips for a moment, "I want you to be able to touch me without being afraid of me jumping away. And the only way I can think of doing that, is..." He trailed off, struggling now of all times to figure out what he was trying to say himself. It sounded so odd now, especially out loud. "Is making you touch me until I don't freak out anymore. Like, pushing my rules until they break, you know? Does that make any sense?" He turned to look at her, question in his eyes. Then a small smile, "And again, it's never really a good time to tell you anything unpleasant. I always feel like I'll ruin everything by talking about it.." He looked down at their dinner. "Kinda like that spaghetti..."
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"Why are you wearing my shirt?"
Erin started laughing again, smiling knowingly at him as she answered promptly, "'Cause I'm your girlfriend and I can. What're you gonna do about it?"
Yukito smirked by way of response, an expression Erin couldn't read, and he set down the bowls of strange lettuce-pasta. Without warning, he turned back around and snagged one of her bare feet, making Erin squeal in laughter as she instinctively and unsuccessfully tugged back. "How about this?!" Yukito's laughter joined hers, and she managed through her laughs, "Stop, that's not fair!" The strong laughter reminded her of what felt like the biggest bruise she could imagine, and she forced the laughter to die down enough to manage. "That's not fair, I can't remember where you're ticklish! It's not cool if you do that to me and I can't do it back! Secrets don't make friends!" Yukito stopped, letting her foot go, and Erin added smugly, "Anyway, I like this shirt."
Yukito was quiet for a moment. "It's just kind of weird to see you in it..." he commented. "I don't think it's weird," Erin replied breezily.
"You know, it's never a good time to tell you all the things I need to." Erin only watched him blankly, completely lost as to what he was getting at. Yukito leaned over to touch his nose to hers lightly before adding, "Erin, you remember the whole night at the pool?" Immediately Erin's eyes shifted downward and away from him. I'd rather not, if that's okay with you... I already said I was sorry, and I meant it, please don't make me feel bad about that again...
"That's kind of a stupid question. Of course you would. But I've been thinking about it lately, and.." Erin watched him carefully, curiously, half-wondering if she'd earned another reprimand or done something wrong as he sat down near her. Erin's fingers coiled in the covers. "I never want that to happen again, you know? And...living together has made it easier for me. I don't get so freaked out when you come up behind me and I don't hear you... I can lay in bed next to you and it doesn't bother me much. But you know that's not as far as it goes."
"I don't want to bother you at all, though," she muttered, feeling guilty again because she knew good and well that it wasn't his fault. If it was anyone's now, it would be hers for pushing him... But she couldn't help but think, You might be next to me but you still feel far away...
"I want you to be able to touch me without being afraid of me jumping away. And the only way I can think of doing that, is..." Erin's eyes locked on his. "Is making you touch me until I don't freak out anymore. Like, pushing my rules until they break, you know? Does that make any sense?" She gave a little nod. "Like people afraid of spiders," she muttered, knowing it was a weak comparison, but that was basically what he was saying, right?
"And again, it's never really a good time to tell you anything unpleasant. I always feel like I'll ruin everything by talking about it.." He looked down at their dinner. "Kinda like that spaghetti..."
Immediately Erin shook her head. "No, no, you're not ruining anything..." His last words returned to her and her gaze followed his, and she gave a little smile. "And I wouldn't say the spaghetti was ruined... just... really, really innovative. And... green!" Lettuce, she thought again, giggling a little. More somberly, though, Erin sat up straighter and looked back at him directly. "I understand what you mean, though, and actually... I was thinking of that, too, but I didn't know if-- I didn't want you to do anything you didn't want..." Decisively, Erin inhaled and offered him her hand. "Here, then. You hold it. And you'll be the one controlling it and can move my hand away whenever you want." She felt stupid acting like she knew what to do for stuff like this... stuff she didn't even really understand. And it made her a little sad that they had to bother with it anyway, but at the same time.... At the same time, Erin felt a swirl of joy that he was the one wanting this, asking for her help, wanting them to be closer. Wanting her to be with him and get better. "Okay?"
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
"Why are you wearing my shirt?"
Her giggles returned, but closer to laughs this time, and she grinned at him. "'Cause I'm your girlfriend and I can. What're you gonna do about it?"
Yukito smirked, setting their bowls down on the floor carefully before leaping back up to grab a hold of one of her bare feet and tickling it, "How about this?!" he laughed, enjoying her squeals of laughter and half-attempts to pull away.
"Stop, that's not fair!" she laughed, her voice louder than he remembered it being for too long a time. "That's not fair, I can't remember where you're ticklish! It's not cool if you do that to me and I can't do it back! Secrets don't make friends!" Yukito stopped, letting her foot go and sticking his tongue out at her, and Erin added smugly, "Anyway, I like this shirt."
He turned to watch her for a moment, then, deep in thought. "It's just kind of weird to see you in it..." he added. Immediately she countered with her own opinion. Because of course, her own opinion held a lot more weight than anyone else realized, at least according to Erin. "I don't think it's weird," Erin replied breezily.
Another moment of watching her, and realizing that something about the way she wore his shirt changed things, and he felt himself talking to her. Maybe it was because he'd missed her and wanted to make up for the lost time, but either way, there was no stopping them now. "You know, it's never a good time to tell you all the things I need to. Erin, you remember the whole night at the pool? That's kind of a stupid question. Of course you would. But I've been thinking about it lately, and...I never want that to happen again, you know? And...living together has made it easier for me. I don't get so freaked out when you come up behind me and I don't hear you... I can lay in bed next to you and it doesn't bother me much. But you know that's not as far as it goes."
"I don't want to bother you at all, though," she muttered, carrying that expression of guilt on her face again, making him feel worse about it.
He worked his lips for a moment, "I want you to be able to touch me without being afraid of me jumping away. And the only way I can think of doing that, is... Is making you touch me until I don't freak out anymore. Like, pushing my rules until they break, you know? Does that make any sense?" He turned to look at her, question in his eyes.
She gave a little nod. "Like people afraid of spiders," He smiled at the analogy. Erin had an interesting way of looking at things. He never would have compared his fear of touch to a fear of spiders.
“It's an irrational fear, you gotta know that, Erin.” Then a small smile, "And again, it's never really a good time to tell you anything unpleasant. I always feel like I'll ruin everything by talking about it.." He looked down at their dinner. "Kinda like that spaghetti..."
Immediately Erin shook her head. "No, no, you're not ruining anything..."
“But this is a big deal for both of us, Erin. And how am I supposed to let you in if you can't even hug me without worrying?” The words were gently spoken, then both of their gazes fell to the bowls.
"And I wouldn't say the spaghetti was ruined... just... really, really innovative. And... green!" A giggle escaped her again. He couldn't hold back a smile, glad to have at least amused her with a meal. Even if it held little or no nutritional value at this point. More somberly, though, Erin sat up straighter and looked back at him directly. "I understand what you mean, though, and actually... I was thinking of that, too, but I didn't know if-- I didn't want you to do anything you didn't want..." He met her eyes evenly.
“I want this,” he told her without hesitation.
Decisively, Erin inhaled and offered him her hand. "Here, then. You hold it. And you'll be the one controlling it and can move my hand away whenever you want.Okay?" He nodded and took her hand. The next moment felt so awkward and indecisive, like they were two children playing an adult game that was too complex for their minds to really understand. But they wanted and needed this, and he'd been putting it off, always a little afraid that things would get out of hand or be misunderstood. He calmed to know she agreed. And she'd been thinking it, too.
Sitting back a little on the bed, still holding to her wrist as though it were a lifeline, he took in a deep breath. This was sort of his personal plunge into a depth he hadn't tested before. He pushed her palm against his abdomen quickly, almost fearfully, her warmth immediately rushing through and sending goosebumps up his back. The same tensity in his muscles as usual, but there was nothing more than that. Just a little fear. He sent her a small, hopeful smile. “That's okay now, actually. But I guess it'll always get my attention...”
His eyes flickering up to Erin's, he took his free hand and lifted up the edge of his dark blue t-shirt, sliding her hand up against the slightly-warm skin there. Instantly, he wanted to vomit. The breath he'd been holding broke off into short, desperate spurts of silent gasps, and his lips pursed together. The weight against his stomach felt too strong to be just Erin's small hands, warm and soft and gentle. “Move your fingers a little,” he managed, the strain evident in his voice. “I'll feel it's you.” The words didn't really make any sense except to himself, but he hoped she'd try it anyway. The slight twitch of her fingertips made his breath catch. His mind screamed to move away, the long-time habits causing him to lift off the bed enough to shift his position, though he refused to pull back, or drop her hand against him. “This is so stupid...” he whispered breathlessly, feeling tears in his eyes, stubbornly keeping her there, with him. “It's just you...” Yukito moved Erin's hand around a little, pressing it tighter against him, the weight of an anvil against his gut. He kept his eyes trained on her, managing a tight-lipped smile, “I love you... so it's gotta be okay for us.” It felt like an eternity with her pushed against him. His head started to swim and he couldn't remember how it felt to properly breathe. He waited a little too long to pull her hand away, making himself do it slowly, drawing out the process. The room still spun when he sat back. He was crying. “I'm sorry, I can try again in a moment, but..” he let out a shaky breath.
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"I understand what you mean, though, and actually..." Erin started tentatively, then finished, "I was thinking of that, too, but I didn't know if-- I didn't want you to do anything you didn't want..."
He met her eyes evenly. "I want this.”
She believed him completely. Well, if he wanted it, then she would work with him on it. Goodness knew it was about time. Erin inhaled, as if preparing herself to give a speech or something. Or to be an instructor. She gave him her hand. "Here, then. You hold it. And you'll be the one controlling it and can move my hand away whenever you want.Okay?" She hoped that would be enough... it was so out of her element. Why couldn't she just wish hard enough and he'd be better? He wouldn't have to be afraid anymore? If she wished enough, the memories that ate at him would be erased... if only.
He nodded and took her hand. Erin waited, her eyes locked on his face, hand outstretched. Yukito took a deep breath, and Erin was reminded of someone attempting their first high dive, and in front of an audience. Maybe with someone holding them there at gunpoint. Immediately she pushed that thought away-- thinking like that wasn't going to help him. Then suddenly her hand pressed against him, on his stomach. She remained motionless except for what he chose to do with her hand, which right now wasn't moving from its position against him. Erin was scared that if she said anything now, it'd ruin it. She waited for a response. Finally he sent her a small smile, and she breathed a sigh of relief, a larger smile on her own face. “That's okay now, actually. But I guess it'll always get my attention...”
"That's good," Erin encouraged, feeling a mixture of pride in him as well as relief that he'd made it that far already. She had expected that to be all for now, and for him to drop her hand, but to Erin's surprise, he moved her hand again, and she was touching his skin. His attempt came as such a surprise to her that words evaded her, and she only watched him for a minute before he suddenly told her in a strained voice, “Move your fingers a little. I'll feel it's you.” She obeyed, moving her hand but afraid she was doing it wrong, making the effort worse for him.And for a second, she was sure she'd gone and ruined it again, as he moved away from her, but he kept a hold on her hand. Still against him, still with her fingertips against his skin. “This is so stupid...” he whispered breathlessly, and Erin shook her head. "No, no, you're fine, it's fine."
“It's just you...” she heard him say, but she wondered if he was actually talking to her. "It's just me, Yukito," she echoed quietly, and a little pleadingly. Right then she felt she would give anything for Yukito to lose all these memories and feelings that kept him from her. Yukito moved Erin's hand around a little, pressing it tighter against him, watching her closely as she was watching him, a smile she was sure was forced on his face. “I love you... so it's gotta be okay for us.” She nodded, trying her best to let him know she was encouraging him, she was rooting for him, that she believed it was going to be okay. "I love you, too, and it will be. It will, you're doing really good..."
Erin guessed her words weren't doing much good, because she heard the difference in his breathing, and it looked like he was hurting a little... Yukito started to pull her hand away from him then, much slower than she expected. A wave of guilt crashed over her. She'd made him cry. What kind of horrible person was she to make him cry like that? She should have taken her hand away on her own... “I'm sorry, I can try again in a moment, but..” He stopped himself, letting out a shaky breath.
"No, no, it's fine, really, it's okay, you did really good. Really," Erin added sincerely, giving Yukito a smile she hoped showed comfort. And support. And how proud she was of him for doing this. "You're doing fine," she repeated, gently brushing her fingers through his hair behind his ears, hoping she still wasn't pushing it. It was hard to know just how to comfort someone when you didn't know which touches hurt... "I'm so proud of you," she told him, her voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. She wanted to hug him and console him that way, but that felt stupid to do, so she just held his hand instead. Just like they'd done while she'd been stuck in a stupid hospital bed. Maybe it was all she could do for now, but it would be okay. She was determined, and Erin was sure now Yukito was, too. "Are you..." she started timidly, then shifted. "Do you think... do you think you're gonna go to sleep tonight still... still dressed for the day and all? I, I mean, it's fine if you do, I'm just wondering..."
~~~~~
To be Cont'd
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Post by Elda Forever on Jan 9, 2010 1:59:10 GMT -5
Yukito Maki
He nodded and took her hand, starting them in on a test. Of what, he couldn't really name. Was it trust? Or just stubbornness? They passed the first round, her hand against his abdomen, the fabric of his shirt wrinkled beneath both their hands, holding still and almost daring something to happen, worried that it would. Secretly, he wished for a sudden, full recovery, the past wiped away like a chalk board, only a bit of chalk dust left behind. But he'd already wished that a million times before. Finally he sent her a small smile, and she breathed a sigh of relief, a larger smile on her own face. “That's okay now, actually. But I guess it'll always get my attention...”
"That's good," Erin offered, as though she hadn't expected even that much this far. Before either of them had a chance to back down, Yukito moved her hand again, her warm hand jerking the slighest bit of surprise as it made contact with his own skin. It was an instant wash of conflict beneath his skin, tensing and releasing his muscles almost violently. It never made any sense. It never held any real kind of control. He felt her eyes on him, but he was too intent on the rush of adrenaline and staying still on the bed to truly see her yet. “Move your fingers a little. I'll feel it's you.” he told her, his voice strained. She did so, but it didn't really help. One part of his mind knew without a shadow of a doubt that the hand pressed against him was Erin's. The soft fingers were nothing like the rough, calloused, thick fingers of his father. He shouldn't feel that sinking in his gut, the heavy weight against him that held him down and screamed at him to escape or push away. He fidgeted awfully on the bed, forcing himself to stay in contact with her. He felt the smothering in his lungs turning into a choke, then a heavily swallowed sob. “This is so stupid...” he whispered breathlessly, and Erin shook her head. "No, no, you're fine, it's fine."
“But it's just you...” He felt like he was betraying her or turning her away, pushing her from him without a real explanation. There was no way to really let her know how it felt, and to show her that it really wasn't something in their control. At least, he'd never been able to see it that way. Their attempt tonight meant everything to him. He wanted to succeed. And he felt like he was failing it, by even letting one stupid, irrational, messed up side of him hallucinate that Erin wasn't Erin, and that she was dangerous to him.
"It's just me, Yukito," she echoed quietly, and a little pleadingly.
He sent her a little smile. She had to have been seriously trying so hard to put up with it. “I love you... so it's gotta be okay for us.” She nodded, "I love you, too, and it will be. It will, you're doing really good..."
Despite the encouragement behind her words, the pain and pressure wouldn't ease up. He felt like he was being smothered and everything felt heated. He couldn't remember how it felt to breathe normally anymore, and angry, hot tears were starting to fall. But the look on Erin's face, the hurt he saw there and the worry, made him slow before he took her hand away. He moved as though he were holding an explosive, something between their fingers that was likely to burst at the slightest wrong movement. He let her fingers linger on his skin, taking a small victory in the control. "I'm sorry, I can try again in a moment, but..” He stopped himself, letting out a shaky breath.
"No, no, it's fine, really, it's okay, you did really good. Really," Erin added sincerely, giving Yukito a smile that he returned, though his fingers still shook. "You're doing fine," she repeated, gently brushing her fingers through his hair behind his ears. He closed his eyes to the gesture, sinking into it and letting out a breath slowly, trying to calm his heart again.
"It's not good enough yet, though..."
"I'm so proud of you," she told him, her voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. He opened his eyes, smiling now at her.
"I'm kind of surprised you think that way, Erin..." he let out a sigh, "It's one of the reasons I know I can trust you." Her honesty, for one. She had a hard time keeping anything in, except her own insecurities. Those she liked to hide, just like everybody else. He was sure it was because she'd been hurt, too. But in such different ways. He liked the way she didn't let the problems pull her down. Or his, either. She just kept going, still happy, still optimistic, still Erin. "Thank you for being patient with me." Their hands met, and he kept them entwined while he lay back on the bed, staring up at the ceiling and feeling worn out. Yukito couldn't supress a little surge of guilt at feeling so tired. After all, Erin was the one who had just undergone surgery, right?
"Are you..." Erin started, the recognizable timidity in her tone she only used when she was trying to be careful with him, as though he would break or get angry with her. He sat up a little, hoping it would force himself into a quicker recovery from the touching attempt numero uno, looking in her face curiously. "Do you think... do you think you're gonna go to sleep tonight still... still dressed for the day and all? I, I mean, it's fine if you do, I'm just wondering..."
A little sad smile crossed his lips, "That bothers you, too, huh?" He thought about it for a moment, working his lip a little. "I guess that's another good thing to try. Maybe that one will go better." A more genuine smile grew on his face, his eyes closing as he flopped back onto the bed, "This still makes me a little more hopeful, though. I can stand it. It's hard and ridiculously difficult and awkward and all...but I can do it. At least for you." A chuckle, "First task: get over touching problem. Second task: learn to cook something decent." He paused, then posed the next suggestion in question form, "Third task: combine the two?" Immediately he let out a groan as his own insinuation, taking his free hand and smacking his face with it, "Daw, that was just bad... forget I said that."
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"I'm sorry," Yukito managed, "I can try again in a moment, but..”
Erin shook her head a bit. The venture wasn't fruitless-- they'd progressed. He'd progressed, and any progression was good. He got that, right? He couldn't down his attempts like that or he wouldn't want to try again, and he had to keep trying. "No, no, it's fine, really, it's okay, you did really good. Really," she emphasized. "You're doing fine," she repeated, running her fingers in his hair a little. He closed his eyes, probably trying to re-regulate his breathing and everything, Erin figured.
"It's not good enough yet, though..."
"Yukito... you can't expect to do it all at once... there's not a race or a competition, you'll get there when you get there. We have time. Lots of time," she told him, an encouraging smile turning up her lips. "I'm so proud of you," Erin told him, her voice so quiet it was almost a whisper. Then his eyes opened, and she saw his smile.
"I'm kind of surprised you think that way, Erin..."
"Why wouldn't I? You're trying, you want to try, and you don't want to give up. How could I not be proud of that?"
Yukito let out a sigh. "It's one of the reasons I know I can trust you."
Erin just shrugged a little, not knowing what to say to that. She still felt half-fogged from the medicine, and tired, and this whole thing would have just been overwhelming if not for how much she wanted to support Yukito in it. "I love you," she said, as if that explained it all. And she felt like it did, if you understood it right.
"Thank you for being patient with me." She only nodded a little, finding his hands in hers. Still holding onto her hands, Yukito sunk back onto the bed, Erin following close behind. She shifted, though, pulling one hand free so she wouldn't be on her side.
"Are you..." Erin started, then paused, shifting her words as Yukito raised up a little, probably curious now that she'd stopped. Erin started again: "Do you think... do you think you're gonna go to sleep tonight still... still dressed for the day and all? I, I mean, it's fine if you do, I'm just wondering..."
He gave her a little smile. She didn't know why he was smiling now, so she just watched him, waiting. "That bothers you, too, huh?"
"It makes me feel like you're farther away and that you're not really at home there beside me," Erin responded casually, then felt the wave of guilt for being so bluntly honest after he'd tried so hard on something similar a few minutes ago. "Sorry... it's fine, really, I was just wondering," she tried to make up for it, giving him a hopeful smile. "I swear, I have no filter right now, it's not on purpose, I swear," she tacked on, laughing a little to cover herself.
"I guess that's another good thing to try. Maybe that one will go better." Erin smiled as he did, relieved that he wasn't upset or hurt by her honesty. Yukito dropped back down on the bed, closing his eyes. "This still makes me a little more hopeful, though. I can stand it. It's hard and ridiculously difficult and awkward and all...but I can do it. At least for you."
"Aww," Erin let out, still smiling as he gave a little laugh. "It's all good, I live for awkward." She glanced up at the ceiling, suddenly feeling just how tired she was. Again. Ugh... I really don't like this... stupid medicine.. stupid soreness... stupid surgery... "I'm gonna have a scar that everyone can see when I'm in a swimsuit..." she muttered, thinking out loud. It wasn't a bad thought; scars made for good conversations. She loved good conversations.
"First task: get over touching problem. Second task: learn to cook something decent." He paused, and Erin giggled. "Third task: combine the two?" Simultaneously, Yukito heard his own words and groaned, meeting his face to his palm, as Erin burst into full-on laughter. "Daw, that was just bad... forget I said that."
Erin shook her head in objection, still laughing so much that her eyes closed and her stomach reminded her sharply of its sensitive presence. "Ow-w-w!" she shouted, still unable to get Yukito's words out of her head to quit laughing even as she spoke it and felt the sharp protests of her body. "Ou-uch...! I can't-- laugh-- so much! Oww..." Slowly the laughter died down, leaving Erin feeling even more tired than she had felt before. "Ugh... I'm so tired of being so tired already...." she mumbled, turning her head to smile at Yukito. "Will you stay here with me? I'll make you something when I get up..." Erin tacked on, thinking about his spaghetti attempt and that he probably wouldn't have many other options without her. Her eyes were already closing as she added sleepily, "Just give me like five minutes, okay?"
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
"Thank you for being patient with me," he murmured with sincerity. She only nodded a little, him taking her hand in his before falling back on the bed. Erin came to lay next to him, shifting uncomfortably as she tried to find a safe way around her 'wound'. Yukito frowned a little. She had to be careful.
"Are you..." Erin started, then paused, shifting her words as Yukito raised up a little. "Do you think... do you think you're gonna go to sleep tonight still... still dressed for the day and all? I, I mean, it's fine if you do, I'm just wondering..."
He gave her a little smile. "That bothers you, too, huh?"
"It makes me feel like you're farther away and that you're not really at home there beside me," The brutal honesty there had to be attributed to her medication. Yukito wondered what else he could ask her and find out while she was still on her truth serum. "Sorry... it's fine, really, I was just wondering. I swear, I have no filter right now, it's not on purpose, I swear," she tacked on, laughing a little to cover herself.
He just smiled and laid his head back down on the bed, closing his eyes. "I guess that's another good thing to try. Maybe that one will go better." If he was the one on truth serum, he might have blurted out that he felt farther away, too. "This still makes me a little more hopeful, though. I can stand it. It's hard and ridiculously difficult and awkward and all...but I can do it. At least for you."
"Aww," Erin let out, still smiling as he gave a little laugh. "It's all good, I live for awkward." A moment of quiet between them. Yukito held her hand in his own. "I'm gonna have a scar that everyone can see when I'm in a swimsuit..." she muttered, like she was thinking out loud.
"It'll look awesome," he commented automatically in response, his eyes still closed, then it was his turn to break the silence with, "First task: get over touching problem. Second task: learn to cook something decent." He paused, and Erin giggled. "Third task: combine the two?" Simultaneously, Yukito heard his own words and groaned, meeting his face to his palm, as Erin burst into full-on laughter. "Daw, that was just bad... forget I said that."
Erin just kept laughing at how corny and dumb her boyfriend must have sounded then. "Ow-w-w!" she shouted through laughter, making his eyes open to look over and check on her. "Ou-uch...! I can't-- laugh-- so much! Oww..." He squeezed her hand a little. Behind their smiles this time was a little mourning that she couldn't even laugh. But if she stopped laughing, he'd miss it. That seriously sucks. "Ugh... I'm so tired of being so tired already...." she mumbled, turning her head to smile at Yukito. He tried to smile back, but it didn't go so well. "Will you stay here with me? I'll make you something when I get up..."
"I'll stay, but you aren't getting up yet. You'll just have to deal with my mutant spaghetti." His voice was teasing, but he was utterly serious about her staying in bed as he leaned forward to kiss her forehead. "I wasn't very hungry, anyway."
"Just give me like five minutes, okay?"
He did smile, now. Truth serum didn't change Erin's warped sense of time. He knew she'd be at least dozing semi-peacefully for at least an hour by the look on her face. As long as he didn't disturb her or anything. Slowly taking the hand of hers he held, he lifted and placed it on his side, testing himself again. He'd been honest with her when he said he could stand that, now. The weight of her hand didn't seem so abnormal anymore, just heavy with sleepiness. "Sure," he whispered. He'd stay with her. Gladly. It was a good opportunity to slowly get used to lying closely beside her, to make himself recognize it as a wholly special and unique thing. It was the perfect opportunity to watch her sleep. In her own clothes. In her own bed. Not fully back to the Erin she'd been before - after all, now she didn't have an appendix, and the Erin he'd fallen in love with had apparently had one - but definitely filling up that space in his chest again. He kissed her cheek gently, breathing, "Welcome home, Erin."
Finished!
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Post by Elda Forever on Jan 25, 2010 20:09:10 GMT -5
Post-Thanksgiving Confessions
Erin Spenser
"I swear we need to find some comfort in this run down place
To bridge the gap of this conscious state that we live in
And I'm short of time
How could you trust it
(these fate trashed walls)
To fit the shape of what they tell you…"
The music blared loud enough from her earbuds that those waiting around her in the carpool could hear it, too, were it not for the dozens of outdoor conversations happening all at the same time as they all waited for their rides. Erin took out one earbud to talk to a friend who was standing nearby, keeping an eye out for Yukito's silvery car. The conversation was just getting good, about a few local bands Erin knew and wanted to play with, when she spotted him. Making sure to get in touch later and finish the conversation, Erin made a quick good-bye and opened Yukito's car door. "Hi, boyfriend!" she greeted, giving him a brief kiss. "So I was totally talking with someone about getting more gigs for Veritas, real ones with bands people really know, at least around here," she added with an excited giggle. "We didn't practice any over Thanksgiving and I feel like it's been forever!"
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
He pulled in carefully, watching out for passing pedestrians and tons of teenagers walking past, most of them wary but a few ridiculous ones texting as they wove through the vehicles around bicycles. There were even a few motorcycles around, Yukito noticed as he looked for Erin. Soon, her face came into view, drawing his eyes to her. He watched her chatting excitedly about something to a couple of her friends, slowly pulling closer until she saw him and raced over with a goodbye to her companions. He smiled a little at her in welcome as she opened the door, tossing her things inside per their routine. “Hello again,” he told her, moving aside more stuff so she'd have more room.
"Hi, boyfriend!"she greeted, giving him a brief kiss."So I was totally talking with someone about getting more gigs for Veritas, real ones with bands people really know, at least around here,"she added with an excited giggle."We didn't practiceanyover Thanksgiving and I feel like it's been forever!"
“Yeah?” he muttered in response, not very conversational. He was having a hard time keeping his face somewhat close to its normal expression, trying to stay interested in what she was saying. But that afternoon he'd done the mistake of falling back into thinking. This routine they'd had, back and forth... the feeling of repetitiveness wasn't a bad thing, but the sensation of something missing was. And besides, he had found that morning at work a soundtrack to the Phantom of the Opera, and bought it. That in itself, like the habit of picking up Erin from school every day was again, not so terrible in itself. But there was a nagging feeling in his gut that knew he was still acting no better than the jerk that had come to New Orleans with no intentions of opening up or being honest with the people there. He was now no better than a lot of the guys he used to hate when he was younger, and had a more simplistic, clear view of the world. He'd been lying to Erin, and as much as he liked to pretend that it wasn't that way, that it was different, the feeling kept nagging.
She said Erin didn't ever have to find out, and I told her that I would tell her anyways, but I haven't. Because....of what? Guilt, maybe. Or maybe because as little as he could try to make the situation seem, he knew it was a big deal to Erin. He remembered a little about how her last boyfriend had ended their relationship. He knew it had hurt Erin, the hiding of someone else, of something else. It had probably hurt more than the truth ever would have.But it's not like that with Cassie and me... It never was. Things just... I don't even know what happened, really.All is, he knew it had made making the musical easier. His hands gripped the steering wheel tightly, tense and silent as he tried to nod, straining to listen to Erin and the music playing at a moderate volume between them, low enough to talk but high enough to hear. But what about Yumi? It was that way, once. With her. But we're never going back to that. Not now.
Once. Before. There were a lot of things that weren't the same as they used to be. But could Erin understand that about him?
They were only halfway home when he broke his thoughts out, “Erin...” he started, hesitantly, “How do you tell someone about something... a mistake... that is probably going to hurt them and make them think things about you that aren't true...” He glanced over at her, then added, “But you know they're going to start doubting you now anyways? And you don't want that? How do you tell them... when you wish it had never happened, and you know it's not going to happen again, but you can't erase the past?” He let out a slow breath, “I definitely wish I could, though...”
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"Hi, boyfriend!" Erin greeted, giving him a fleeting kiss before taking her seat. "So I was totally talking with someone about getting more gigs for Veritas, real ones with bands people really know, at least around here," she added with an excited giggle. "We didn't practice any over Thanksgiving and I feel like it's been forever!"
“Yeah?”
"Mm-hmm," Erin responded, trucking on in her ramble. "Everyone was with their families over the break, so they didn't even get to practice without me, and I couldn't even bring anything up to Pennsylvania to play with while I was up there, so, like, as soon as I got back I spent like two hours on my keyboard," she told him with a laugh. She spent the next several minutes excitedly describing her hopes for some upcoming shows and for her band. "...have a couple of new songs online now, and I checked this morning and they already had like 200 plays!" She looked over at him, expecting some kind of response, but he seemed aloof. "Yukito? Are you listening?"
“Erin...” he started slowly. “How do you tell someone about something... a mistake... that is probably going to hurt them and make them think things about you that aren't true...” At first, she thought his question was a genuine one, that he needed her feedback on, and tried to think of an answer. Yukito continued, “But you know they're going to start doubting you now anyways? And you don't want that? How do you tell them... when you wish it had never happened, and you know it's not going to happen again, but you can't erase the past?” She looked up at him, the sad realization sinking in that he was talking about himself, and her inner anxiety kicked up severalnotches at once. “I definitely wish I could, though...”
Her brow furrowed, and Erin peered at him intently. "Yukito... What's wrong?"
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
He felt bad for not being able to really respond to her rambling. Trying to listen just sent his mind veering off into an unspeakable tangent. It was beginning to look like the only way to tell her would be to stop mulling over it and spit it out. But nowhere in the conversation she chattered on about by herself did he notice an opening for confession. The tough part, he knew, would be to go through with it. To start. Somehow to tell her while reassuring her that he was sorry for what had happened, even if he couldn't figure out what it all meant. That was a big part of why he had to tell her. To keep her trusting him.. And because he wanted someone to talk to, and even if it hurt her, he was hoping she could understand.Her, above anyone else, was starting to be held in a high opinion. He couldn't think of any other way he would want it.
"Yukito? Are you listening?"
“Erin...” he started slowly, not answering her question, “How do you tell someone about something... a mistake... that is probably going to hurt them and make them think things about you that aren't true...”
A pause. He glanced over at her briefly, saw it as a signal of go-ahead, and continued, “But you know they're going to start doubting you now anyways? And you don't want that? How do you tell them... when you wish it had never happened, and you know it's not going to happen again, but you can't erase the past?” An exhale. He had made it this far, and there wasn't turning back. A part of his mind grew paranoid, and he hoped she didn't go crazy or totally furious at him. A part of him stupidly hoped he had parked the car before her reaction surfaced. But driving gave him an excuse to keep his eyes off of her for the moment, some way to keep his hands and feet busy, keeping him calm. “I definitely wish I could, though...” You've got to know that.
Her brow furrowed, and Erin peered at him intently. "Yukito... What's wrong?"
The words sank in slowly. They made it a full two blocks before he could manage to get it past his lips. "You know how in the romance films, the really popular ones... they always say 'a kiss is just a kiss', or 'it'll never happen again'? Do you really believe that? Or is it just some crap-excuse designed to get people out of trouble when they've made one of the worst mistakes? A dumb one, too. One you can't really take back, no matter how it changes or doesn't change the way you think of a person, or yourself." The drive had suddenly lengthened out to a fewlegions . A few weeks. A few mistakes. "I haven't been completely honest with you, Erin, but you've gotta know that I planned on telling you the entire time. Not telling you hasn't really been an option." He was getting as irritated as anybody at how he managed to beat around the bush. With frustration as overtoneson his own voice he pushed forward, confessing it as straight-forwardly as he could. "This summer, during the whole musical thing... I needed someone to rehearse with, and I was tired of trying and failing it in front of you, so I went to Cassie's house and she offered to help me through some scenes, to get in the character's head, maybe, you know? And...something happened. I dunno how to explain it, but it felt like... like I wasn't really me anymore. I had just forgotten who I was, and I had fallen into believing that I had to do it right, I had to put everything into it or somehow... everything would fall apart for me. It was really powerful, and I felt sort of energized, kinda like the way I do when I'm at concerts, and the whole crowd is making one large, collective sound. I hated the feeling but I kept pushing deeper into it. And..." His face fell. Every word following sounded like it pained him, the worst kind of shame. To admit he hadn't told her about this sooner. That he had been too reckless and distracted and stupid to stop it from happening from the start. "Cassie and I came to the end of the scene. And we kissed." He snapped his head over towards her as though he had just been slapped, his voice defensive, "Only once, I swear, Erin. Neither of us expected it to happen, and it wasn't like... like..." Like what? It was nothing like kissing you? "I'm sorry. I am so sorry it happened you don't even know, Erin."
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
She could feel the anxiety creeping up, both in the back of her neck and in his voice. And if she was honest with herself, which she was trying not to be now, it scared her. "Yukito... What's wrong?"
Her stomach tightened into hard knots when he didn't answer right away, and the feeling deepened only as they drove farther... Yukito... please don't do this to me... please..
"You know how in the romance films, the really popular ones... they always say 'a kiss is just a kiss', or 'it'll never happen again'? Do you really believe that? Or is it just some crap-excuse designed to get people out of trouble when they've made one of the worst mistakes? A dumb one, too. One you can't really take back, no matter how it changes or doesn't change the way you think of a person, or yourself." She wasn't sure what he was getting at, but the bad feeling of what he meant made her heart sink. It felt like they'd just started dating again (which they sort of had), and the cycle was replaying.. and god, how she was scared of that. She wasn't sure she could do that again... Her hands held onto the seat of the chair as she looked at him with anxious eyes. "Why are you telling me this?" Please tell me it's not what I think... please tell me you haven't found someone better... please tell me someone isn't coming in to ruin us.. please.. I need that, please, please tell me that...
"I haven't been completely honest with you, Erin." Her lips were parted and eyes wide, appalled and wounded, as Erin tried earnestly to keep her head on and hear him out. It had to be a mistake. It had to be. He loved her... "But you've gotta know that I planned on telling you the entire time. Not telling you hasn't really been an option."
"Yukito..." Her voice quivered, from either frustration or anger that he'd hidden something else, she didn't know or care. "What didn't you tell me?" You're starting to scare me again...
"This summer, during the whole musical thing... I needed someone to rehearse with, and I was tired of trying and failing it in front of you, so I went to Cassie's house and she offered to help me through some scenes, to get in the character's head, maybe, you know? And...something happened. I dunno how to explain it, but it felt like... like I wasn't really me anymore. I had just forgotten who I was, and I had fallen into believing that I had to do it right, I had to put everything into it or somehow... everything would fall apart for me. It was really powerful, and I felt sort of energized, kinda like the way I do when I'm at concerts, and the whole crowd is making one large, collective sound. I hated the feeling but I kept pushing deeper into it. And..." Erin only stared at him, terrified of what her instincts were screaming. It couldn't be over now, it couldn't, it just couldn't, not like this, not now... not like this, not again, not with him... Oh, god, oh, god, oh, god.... "Cassie and I came to the end of the scene. And we kissed." The pang of betrayal stung her eyes, and as if on cue tears welled to blur her vision. She fought them back valiantly, refusing to let him see her cry. Not this time.
"Why? Why would you do that?" she forced out, half-whispered and hoarse. Aren't I good enough yet?
"Only once, I swear, Erin. Neither of us expected it to happen, and it wasn't like... like... I'm sorry. I am so sorry it happened you don't even know, Erin."
As appalled and wounded and betrayed as she felt, and disgusted by this level of secrecy between two of the people she trusted so much to, Erin couldn't look away from him. She only stared at him, completely shocked, and completely vulnerable, and completely wounded. "But we stage-kissed for you..." she said stupidly. "We did that for you... why--" Well, so much for holding back the tears... Her voice was breaking with them now, mingling with the anger and hurt she couldn't pretend weren't there. "Why couldn't you do that? How could you... how.. could you both do that? Why can't I ever be enough? What do I keep doing wrong to you?!" Now her eyes broke away, and she was speaking more to herself, even though she was addressing Yukito. "Cassie, too.. What did I do to her?! I never... never-- never thought-- not her, she's, she's not like that, I don't-- I don't understand...!"
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
Betrayal.
He had commited the worst sin against her, betraying that trust she had given him openly.
"Yukito..." She sounded so fragile, and easily broken. He wished he hadn't said anything and he wanted to get it over with. "What didn't you tell me?"
As he told her about that summer, she was very quiet. He couldn't find it in him to look over at her face. Already he was feeling his chest tighten, weakened by her lack of a response, and by the dread that had swept over their conversation. "Cassie and I came to the end of the scene. And we kissed." Silence.
"Why? Why would you do that?" she forced out, half-whispered and hoarse. They had parked, and he snapped his head around to look at her.
"Only once, I swear, Erin. Neither of us expected it to happen, and it wasn't like... like... I'm sorry. I am so sorry it happened you don't even know, Erin."
There was no compassion in her eyes, only hurt and confusion. "But we stage-kissed for you..." she mumbled, "We did that for you... why--" Her voice broke, and with it his passive expression crackled into a guilt-ridden look that he knew would be useless to express now. "Why couldn't you do that? How could you... how.. could you both do that? Why can't I ever be enough? What do I keep doing wrong to you?!"
"Erin, it's not like that, you didn't do anything wrong! Cassie and me--"
Her eyes were no longer on him, turned away like a deflective shield. "Cassie, too.. What did I do to her?! I never... never-- never thought-- not her, she's, she's not like that, I don't-- I don't understand...!"
"No, Erin, no!" he cried out, more desperately, "Cassie isn't like that, don't you see? It was one big accident, a mistake. I do not love Cassie! I love you. Please, you've gotta believe me..." He was afraid to reach out and touch her, because he was afraid of the sinking feeling that would accompany her furiously pushing his hand away. The car was starting to feel very small. "Erin..please.."
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"Cassie and I came to the end of the scene," Yukito confessed, "And we kissed."
He might as well have dropped a bomb. Erin reminded herself to breathe.
"Why?" she asked numbly, her voice sounding crippled and hoarse. "Why would you do that?" She didn't register that they'd stopped, remaining in the car, half-stunned and half-riled and not knowing which one to express first.
"Only once, I swear, Erin," he added hastily, as if that made it all okay. It was just once, so it was fine, right? Ha! Right! Only betrayed once, so much better than multiple times. "Neither of us expected it to happen, and it wasn't like... like... I'm sorry. I am so sorry it happened you don't even know, Erin."
She looked at him coldly, wounded. "But we stage-kissed for you... We did that for you... why--" Her need to cry choked her words and she had to try again. "Why couldn't you do that? How could you... how.. could you both do that? Why can't I ever be enough? What do I keep doing wrong to you?!" A list began running in her head of all the things she could have done better.
"Erin, it's not like that, you didn't do anything wrong! Cassie and me--"
She looked away, and the word set off another broken-sounding stream of thoughts. "Cassie, too.. What did I do to her?! I never... never-- never thought-- not her, she's, she's not like that, I don't-- I don't understand...!" Despite her best efforts, hot tears slipped down, and she let out a growl of frustration with herself as sheurgently wiped them away.
"No, Erin, no!" Yukito tried, and Erin shook her head, unable to listen just now. "Cassie isn't like that, don't you see? It was one big accident, a mistake. I do not love Cassie! I love you. Please, you've gotta believe me..."
Erin looked up at him, jaw tight and face wet, eyes burning through him. "How?" she demanded cooly.
"Erin..please.."
She shook her head at him, completely at a loss as to what he was pleading for... How could he ask her to just let it go like it was nothing? It was everything! In a few swift movements, Erin thrust open the car door and disappeared down the parking lot, pacing back and forth and wavering between tears and irate huffs of breath. When she turned to face him again, Erin shook her finger accusingly at him as she snapped, "No, youkiss the people you love, and you don't kiss the people you don't love. That's how it works. And if you don't love her, you at least think you like her, and she can't hate you either, because she kissed you back! What do you think I'm supposed to think? How I'm supposed to feel?! I trust you with everything, Yukito! And the two people I trust the most might as well have ripped out my heart and couldn't give a crap about it! And what aboutAidousan, huh? Who's told him? You don't think he'll care a little to know, huh? That what you did, a lot of people would call cheating, you know that right? My boyfriend, my love, my cheater, what a nice ring to it huh? And you kept it! You kept it all to yourself, and probably kissed me right after it, huh? Acting like nothing was wrong just 'cause you knew I wouldn't notice? Just 'cause you knew it was too easy to pull something over on me? Y'know, most people would end it right now, right now, Yukito, because this hurts, and if this happens, then what else might you keep from me? What other 'accidents' will happen when I'm busy thinking of you? Why did you do this to me?" The entirety of her speech, Erin's voice trembled, first from anger and then slowly it spiraled into a fresh cascade of tears, her final words dropping from her lips in a desperate request for the truth.
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
"No, Erin, no!" Yukito tried desperately, but Erin just shook her head, not wanting to hear it. "Cassie isn't like that, don't you see? It was one big accident, a mistake. I do not love Cassie! I love you. Please, you've gotta believe me..." Didn't she hear the barren honesty there? How afraid he was of her saying she couldn't forgive him for this. He wasn't stupid - he didn't expect her to act all cool about it, but he had hoped (hoped as hard as he could) that she could find a way to forgive him for this mistake, for this falling-yet-again.
Erin looked up at him, jaw tight and face wet, eyes burning through him. "How?" she demanded cooly. All the color drained from his face, but he found himself unable to move. She can't forgive me. She won't ever see us the same again.
"Erin..please.." his voice was pathetic and pleading, but she just shook her head at him, not willing to listen. Panic rose in his throat as she jumped out of the car and vanished among the cars, walking fast. She's not going to take me back after this. She's really leaving. His mind flashed back to the Halloween dance, the pit of his stomach remembering well what it had been like to watch her walk away, angry with him and determined to end this cycle. All he knew was he didn't want that to happen again.
"Erin!" he called out, his fingers fumbling stupidly with the buckle before allowing him to leap out of the car and race after her. It didn't take him long to find her, pacing back and forth between the cars, her breath coming more harshly so that he could hear her gasping for it. Yukito stopped a few feet from her, afraid to say anything and seeing the anger in her already rising between the clouded mist of her disbelief of a few minutes ago.
"Erin..." he whispered, "I'm sorry... You've gotta believe me it didn't mean--"
"No," she interrupted, snapping at last, "You kiss the people you love, and you don't kiss the people you don't love. That's how it works. And if you don't love her, you at least think you like her, and she can't hate you either, because she kissed you back!" Yukito didn't respond. As furious as Erin was with him, he couldn't find it in him to tell her straight-out that it was actually Cassie who had kissed him first. Because in the end, it didn't matter. They had both kissed. It kind of took two pairs of lips in order to accomplish something like that. He was a guilty party, and he knew it. This was way worse than the Blair thing. "What do you think I'm supposed to think? How I'm supposed to feel?! I trust you with everything, Yukito! And the two people I trust the most might as well have ripped out my heart and couldn't give a crap about it!"
"I do too give a--" he shouted, aghast that she would even think of it like that. Hadn't he explained it before? He had meant to tell her the whole time. Not five minutes after the kiss and he had said that out loud, right in front of Cassie. He knew she would need to know. He knew she had to know something like this, because it was such a big deal to both of them.
"And what about Aidousan, huh? Who's told him? You don't think he'll care a little to know, huh?"
Yukito's lip pursed, and he clenched his hands into fists at his sides, "Aidousan isn't in a position to talk. And I don't think he would even want to know." But Erin wasn't listening. The sick, sad part of it was that he didn't blame her one bit. How could he get her to understand his side of it when he wasn't even really on his own side? He couldn't even say it was a one-time thing. Erin had accused him of using her as a cover girlfriend, accused him of loving another and lying to her. They were heavy accusations, and none of it was true. But there was no way to make her understand, to make her see how much he thought of her, and how important she was to him. There was no way to explain that she could test him on his love and no matter what he screwed up, that was the one constant thing he could cling to now, was how he felt about her.
There was no way. Not that he could see.
"That what you did, a lot of people would call cheating, you know that right? My boyfriend, my love, my cheater, what a nice ring to it huh? And you kept it! You kept it all to yourself, and probably kissed me right after it, huh? Acting like nothing was wrong just 'cause you knew I wouldn't notice? Just 'cause you knew it was too easy to pull something over on me? Y'know, most people would end it right now, right now, Yukito, because this hurts, and if this happens, then what else might you keep from me? What other 'accidents' will happen when I'm busy thinking of you? Why did you do this to me?"
Tears were stinging his eyes now. His jaw was clenched tightly as he strained to keep his body from shaking like a leaf. A shallow, pathetic leaf that had done it again, even after trying so hard not to hurt her again. There was such a long period of silence, and he found that his voice wouldn't allow him to speak a single word until he let the tears fall, like a dam releasing the pressure of all it was holding back. Yukito stared down at the pavement beneath them, hoping for some stupid reason that she wouldn't notice the tears. Because secretly, he expected her to turn and walk away. And if that should happen, he didn't want to be the one left crying. Not again, not again... his mind kept screaming at him.
"Erin," he started slowly, his voice dark and quiet, almost resigned. Like a condemned person giving their final words, honest and broken. "I promised you. I promised you I wouldn't do this to you. I never wanted to do this to you. I wouldn't cheat on you. I would rather cut my own hand off, and I don't know how to prove how seriously I mean that. Because honestly, I don't blame you for not forgiving me. Not one bit." He blinked hard, his frown deepening the lines on his face, "I love you, Erin. When I kiss you, I don't think about anything else. Just you, and me, and how lucky I was that you took me back. But I wouldn't blame you if you didn't forgive me, Erin. Because if you really think that I would pretend to love you like this, if you really think I would do that to you, then I'm no better than my a*** of a father, and I wouldn't want to be around to hurt you any longer." He took a small step towards her, looking up at her face, "But I'm promising you, that it was an accident, and it doesn't mean anything changed about how I feel about you. It happened. It was a mistake." He held up his hands slowly in surrender, frowning, "And I had to tell you. I'm sorry." His expression started to break as he felt the tears starting to choke him again, relentless on their journey, "I'm sorry."
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
She was still spouting off her injured thoughts, not hearing Yukito's tiny inputs. "That what you did, a lot of people would call cheating, you know that right? My boyfriend, my love, my cheater, what a nice ring to it huh? And you kept it! You kept it all to yourself, and probably kissed me right after it, huh? Acting like nothing was wrong just 'cause you knew I wouldn't notice? Just 'cause you knew it was too easy to pull something over on me? Y'know, most people would end it right now, right now, Yukito, because this hurts, and if this happens, then what else might you keep from me? What other 'accidents' will happen when I'm busy thinking of you? Why did you do this to me?" Now that she was crying in front of him (and god, how she hated it), her view of him was distorted, and it looked like he refused to look at her. Was the one disgusted with her. As if she had done anything wrong! He wouldn't even look at her! She should leave right now, Erin thought. She should leave, rip him from her like a bandaid, and never look back. That was what her friends would tell her, and her parents, and nearly anyone else who she could think of... They'd all tell her these were red flags and signs that worse hurts lay ahead, that he wasn't loyal or trustworthy... But it wasn't just him. It was her. It was Cassie. Cassie was guilty of 50 percent of that betrayal. It was her lips that touched his in what was meant only for him and Erin. How could someone hurt their friend so badly? What had she done to earn that? How had she hurt Cassie to merit such a dagger in their friendship? What friendship....
"Erin," Yukito started, and Erin clenched her teeth, arms crossed, and looking furiously at anything but him. "I promised you. I promised you I wouldn't do this to you. I never wanted to do this to you. I wouldn't cheat on you." Erin scoffed coldly. Looks like you broke that one... I shouldn't even be hearing you... "I would rather cut my own hand off, and I don't know how to prove how seriously I mean that. Because honestly, I don't blame you for not forgiving me. Not one bit. I love you, Erin. When I kiss you, I don't think about anything else. Just you, and me, and how lucky I was that you took me back. But I wouldn't blame you if you didn't forgive me, Erin. Because if you really think that I would pretend to love you like this, if you really think I would do that to you, then I'm no better than my a*** of a father, and I wouldn't want to be around to hurt you any longer." Now she looked at him, hopeless, at a loss. Don't you see that I don't know WHAT to think?! Yukito took a small step closer to her, and she didn't move. She felt so torn... "But I'm promising you, that it was an accident, and it doesn't mean anything changed about how I feel about you. It happened. It was a mistake."
She shook her head, still not understanding. "How does that accidentally happen, Yukito?" Her voice was broken and strained as a fresh wave of cries washed over her. "How does something like that just happen?"
"And I had to tell you. I'm sorry... I'm sorry."
"Please... Yukito... how do I know this won't happen again? How could Cassie do that to me? Why would she do that? How do I know something worse than this won't happen later?" she asked, desperately. Erin dropped her face into her hands, her shoulders shaking and eyes tightly shut, causing a throbbing all throughout her head. "I don't know what to do!" she cried loudly, sobbing. "How could she do this to me?" Somehow, slowly her anger was steering from Yukito toward Cassie, though she still felt the burn of the wound of Yukito's confession.
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
"I love you, Erin. When I kiss you, I don't think about anything else. Just you, and me, and how lucky I was that you took me back. But I wouldn't blame you if you didn't forgive me, Erin. Because if you really think that I would pretend to love you like this, if you really think I would do that to you, then I'm no better than my a*** of a father, and I wouldn't want to be around to hurt you any longer." He couldn't properly read the expression on her face. But he knew it wasn't hatred. Hope practically wounded him with its sudden attack on his chest. He took a step toward her, and remembered that she had said that she should have ended it right then. Not that she wanted to or intended to. "But I'm promising you, that it was an accident, and it doesn't mean anything changed about how I feel about you. It happened. It was a mistake."
She shook her head. "How does that accidentally happen, Yukito? How does something like that just happen?"
"I don't know, Erin. But I wouldn't do that to you." He sighed as though all the will had been knocked out of him. "And I had to tell you. I'm sorry... I'm sorry."
"Please... Yukito... how do I know this won't happen again? How could Cassie do that to me? Why would she do that? How do I know something worse than this won't happen later?" she asked, desperately. Erin dropped her face into her hands, hiding from his sight. He moved towards her again, wanting to hold her and comfort her, his arms itching to, but his fear still holding him back from pushing too hard, for fear she would run off again.
"Worse than this? Erin, this was horrible enough. I don't want anything worse than this anymore than you do." he swallowed, hard, "And Erin...?"
"I don't know what to do!" she cried loudly, sobbing. "How could she do this to me?"
Yukito's face fell again. He didn't want Erin's hurt to veer from him directly to Cassie. That hadn't been his intention. "Erin, there's one more thing." Hastily, he responded, "I swear it's all and I'm sorry for this, too. But I went to talk to Yumi, to tell her things were officially over between us." He swallowed even harder. Fear had taken a physical form and lodged itself in his throat. "You were right. You were right that she was here to mess things up, between you and me. But I wanted to talk to her myself. And I don't know how, but she took it the wrong way and tried to kiss me. And I got angry, and...I yelled at her and..." He had his face turned to the ground, trying to remember the details of the argument that followed but it had all blurred. Stupidly, he added, "And I told her I didn't love her, that I loved you and that wasn't going to change. And..." he paused, a note of dumb incredulity to his voice. "She threw water at me."
Yukito raised his eyes to Erin's, pleading for forgiveness. "I did not kiss her Erin. And I didn't know she was going to do that. I don't know why she did it. The whole time I'd thought... I'd stupidly thought that she could understand what 'it's over' meant. But I was wrong." His voice dropped, "I don't know what I'm doing wrong, Erin. But I wish it had never happened."
~~~~~
OOC: please pardon rant!Erin crude language. :c BIC:
Erin Spenser
"Worse than this?" Yukito echoed. "Erin, this was horrible enough. I don't want anything worse than this anymore than you do." Erin cast him a dark look. You shouldn't have done it at all! "And Erin...?"
She didn't hear the question in his tone, head too filled with frustration and confusion and hurt. "I don't know what to do! How could she do this to me?"
And he didn't even reach out to comfort her. But then, she wasn't sure she'd accept the gesture, either... but just the attempt would have been nice... But no, none of that...
"Erin, there's one more thing."
"What?" she snapped. "What else could you do to me?!"
"I swear it's all and I'm sorry for this, too. But I went to talk to Yumi, to tell her things were officially over between us."
Her eyes widened at the confession, and at the stupidity. "You saw her alone? I told you she still liked you, I told you, and you ignored me, and you saw her alone, you idiot!" It was a harsh insult from her, only spouted through her hurt and anger. He'd hurt her, so she hurt him back, at least with her words. She would never kiss his best friend and keep it a secret. She was loyal to her word, at least.
"You were right. You were right that she was here to mess things up, between you and me. But I wanted to talk to her myself. And I don't know how, but she took it the wrong way and tried to kiss me. And I got angry, and...I yelled at her and... And I told her I didn't love her, that I loved you and that wasn't going to change. And..."
"And what?"
"She threw water at me."
In a severe mixture of a laugh and a cry, Erin looked away. She wanted to say he deserved much more, but he deserved nothing from Yumi, and now the thought of that wench traipsing across the world just to try to screw them over when it was already hard enough... If she saw her just then, Erin thought she would surely do more to the girl than just slap her. Her jaw quivered with the strength of the clench of her teeth, and in her mind, she screamed a hundred profanities at that... girl...
"I did not kiss her Erin. And I didn't know she was going to do that. I don't know why she did it. The whole time I'd thought... I'd stupidly thought that she could understand what 'it's over' meant. But I was wrong."
"Yeah, you were stupid!" Erin snapped at him again, gesturing dramatically. "I hate her!" She started her pacing again, imagining all the things she'd like to say to Yumi right now. "I hate her, I hate her, I hate that stupid slut, no matter whatAidousan tells me! That sick, awful, vile, disgusting, wicked--" She halted and stuck her hands in her hair, messing it up strongly, and screamed at the invisible Yumi. At Cassie. And at him.
"I don't know what I'm doing wrong, Erin. But I wish it had never happened."
Erin stopped, stared at him, feeling lost and completely hopeless. Her hands dropped to her sides, feeling overwhelmed with the thoughts of Cassie and Yumi, both intruding on the sacred. Cassie's betrayal burned deep, but Yumi took over her thoughts more... she'd weaseled in,snaked in, snuck in under the radar, and caught him alone. She still wanted him, and if she came across the world for him... a simple "I don't care for you" wouldn't stop her. And Erin was sure she genuinely hated her. And there was nothing. She. Could do about it. Suddenly, impulsively, and against whatever ounce of logic slipped into her screaming thoughts, Erin tumbled into Yukito, her arms around him, crying and sobbing so hard it made her gasp. Slowly, somehow she managed to cry out, "I don't know what to do!"
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
"Erin, there's one more thing."
"What?" she snapped."What else could you do to me?!"
"I swear it's all and I'm sorry for this, too. But I went to talk to Yumi, to tell her things were officially over between us."
Her eyes widened. The air between them dropped to a new level. But at least this time he could hopefully defend himself a little. "You saw her alone? I told you she still liked you, I told you, and you ignored me, and you saw her alone, you idiot!"
To her insults, he just nodded in agreement. He had been an idiot. There was no getting around that. In his stupid hopes to repair his relationship with Yumi to what it had been before they had ever gotten together, in the irrational idea in his head that they could move on now maturely, he had been a complete idiot. "You were right. You were right that she was here to mess things up, between you and me. But I wanted to talk to her myself. And I don't know how, but she took it the wrong way and tried to kiss me. And I got angry, and...I yelled at her and... And I told her I didn't love her, that I loved you and that wasn't going to change. And..." His voice had been escalating in that strange panic, revealing how determined he was to make her see, to explain that it hadn't been selfishness or betrayal at work here – just plain old naivety. And weakness.
"And what?" she snapped.
He was sort of incredulous himself as to his next words, and it showed in his voice.
"She threw water at me." The response broke a little bit of the dark tension between them, as Erin turned away, trying to stifle the half-laugh sound emitting from her at the strange end to Yumi's involvement in this.
"I did notkiss her Erin. And I didn't know she was going to do that. I don't know why she did it. The whole time I'd thought... I'd stupidlythought that she could understand what 'it's over' meant. But I was wrong."
"Yeah, you were stupid!"Erin snapped at him again, gesturing dramatically as she began to pace again. "I hate her! I hate her, I hate her, I hate that stupid slut, no matter what Aidousan tells me! That sick, awful, vile, disgusting, wicked--" She halted and stuck her hands in her hair, and screamed, making Yukito jump about a foot off the ground automatically. He tried to recover, his slow steps toward her during the conversation a silent question as to if she would allow him to touch her again. To touch her, even just her hand, or her cheek, meant everything. It wouldn't fix them, and especially wouldn't fix him, but it was a sign that she could forgive him. That she could try, like him, to forget he'd ever touched anyone else, voluntarily or not.
"I don't know what I'm doing wrong, Erin. But I wish it had never happened." He held out both palms up in a gesture of being at a complete and utter loss. It was the truth. He wished his father had never happened. He wish he handled things better. He wished he'd never set eyes on Blair, or Yumi, or Amane or even Cassie, now. He wished the past would stop regurgitating itself on them constantly, trying to tear them apart when all he wanted to do was be better for her. The idea of her walking away now made his blood boil. The last thing on earth he wanted to do was make the mistake of letting her go like she had before, even the possibility of her slipping away made him want to hit something, maybe even to kill something. But he knew he would still let her, whether it was a mistake or not. It would mean nothing if she was forced to stay with him, to have him loving her but no trust involved. The only thing he could hope for was her forgiveness. If she walked away, he silently decided, he could never bring himself to hate her for it. But he could easily hate himself for doing all the wrong things. And if she walked away now, he would make sure she never had the chance to second-guess that decision again, and he would vanish from her life.
Then, a miracle happened.
She raced forward and fell against him, automatically their arms wrapping around each other as though it had been a thousand years, not half an hour, since they'd last made real contact. But he felt her body-shaking sobs as she tried to gasp for air, unveiled, honest, and trusting him to hold her again. In some ways, Erin kept him out, too. When she seemed most afraid of him and what he had done, the physical distance he needed in her was cut off abruptly. When she got angry, she would pass him by, walk away, lock him out his own bedroom, knowing that not being able to reach her was one of the ways she could hurt him the most, to make him see how serious the way she was feeling was. It made him almost able to fully understand how she felt so much of the time, and the idea of that pain made his tears start to fall again, too. Despite the relief he felt at holding her again.
"I don't know what to do!" she cried. Yukito held her tighter, trying not to let his tears fall on her.
“Erin, I am sorry. I am sorry. But I can promise you, Yumi and me...we're over. Forever. I know now that we can't go back, and I didn't want to. Not for a second. The day you said you loved me, I knew I wouldn't ever want her back. Cassie and I... we were never anything but friends. And I still care about her, but as a friend. I don't love her anymore than... than I love Kagasan.” He leaned down, trying to make eye contact with her, “I swear Erin, you're the one I want. That's why I had to tell you, Erin. Because I don't want the past to repeat itself. I don't want what happened with Blair to happen with Cassie, or Yumi, or Amane or anybody else.” The stupid tears kept getting in the way of his words. “When I say I love you, I mean it. Every. Time. And I always want it to be as big a deal to me as it was the first time. I remember we were dancing together when we said it. I remember I sang to you. And I remember how important it was to me to hear you say you loved me, too. I could lie to the whole world, but I wouldn't lie about how I feel about you.”
He smiled sadly down at her, “There's no one else, Erin. Not for me. And if you don't forgive me, I promise I'll never forgive myself, either. But I made a mistake, and I had to own up to it, whether it hurt or not. But you have to know... I love you.”
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
The idea of loosing Yukito to other girls-- any other girl at all-- that it took precedence over her anger at Yukito. He deserved her anger for not telling her, but they had earned it much, much more... They were the ones who had encroached on her love. They were the ones that committed treason... betrayal. And Cassie... The thought made Erin feel alone, wounded, and forgotten by Cassie, and even if she was furious with Yukito and his stupid secrets, she needed him more than anything, and found herself desperately clinging to him and crying from her pain. "I don't know what to do!"
She felt his arms around her. A sign, a physical an tangible sign that he still wanted her there. Even after kissing them... God, that thought hurt! “Erin, I am sorry. I am sorry. But I can promise you, Yumi and me...we're over. Forever. I know now that we can't go back, and I didn't want to. Not for a second. The day you said you loved me, I knew I wouldn't ever want her back. Cassie and I... we were never anything but friends. And I still care about her, but as a friend. I don't love her anymore than... than I loveKagasan.” "Then why did it happen?" Erin protested again through her cries.
“I swear Erin, you're the one I want. That's why I had to tell you, Erin. Because I don't want the past to repeat itself. I don't want what happened with Blair to happen with Cassie, or Yumi, or Amane or anybody else.” Erin closed her eyes again, burying her head in him. "I don't either!"
“When I say I love you, I mean it. Every. Time. And I always want it to be as big a deal to me as it was the first time. I remember we were dancing together when we said it. I remember I sang to you. And I remember how important it was to me to hear you say you loved me, too. I could lie to the whole world, but I wouldn't lie about how I feel about you.” Erin didn't respond, only sniffling her subdued cries, remembering distinctly how she felt at that moment. His singing to her that night would have been one of her favorite moments with him, were it not for the aftermath that tarnished the thought. She couldn't ever do that again. She couldn't. She was scared she wouldn't come out of that feeling again... It was worse than... any other feeling... Erin wondered if he ever knew how much she'd hated everything then. How pointless everything was if she didn't have him, fully knowing they loved one another but not feeling it one iota.
“There's no one else, Erin. Not for me. And if you don't forgive me, I promise I'll never forgive myself, either. But I made a mistake, and I had to own up to it, whether it hurt or not. But you have to know... I love you.”
She was crying again, her anger against him mellowed now compared to how she felt towards Cassie, and towards Yumi. "How could she do this to us?" Erin sobbed out, referring to both girls at once. "How could she?" Erin clung to him, cried into him, still shaking from her distraught. "Yu--ki--tooo!" Please, make me feel better, make me forget this, I don't know what to do!
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
“Erin, I am sorry. I am sorry. But I can promise you, Yumi and me...we're over. Forever. I know now that we can't go back, and I didn't want to. Not for a second. The day you said you loved me, I knew I wouldn't ever want her back. Cassie and I... we were never anything but friends. And I still care about her, but as a friend. I don't love her anymore than... than I loveKagasan.”
"Then why did it happen?" Erin protested again through her cries. He frowned, his eyes downcast. He'd already told her it was an accident, a mistake, all those things it was.
“I swear Erin, you're the one I want. That's why I had to tell you, Erin. Because I don't want the past to repeat itself. I don't want what happened with Blair to happen with Cassie, or Yumi, or Amane or anybody else."
"I don't either!" Erin protested, muffled with her face buried in him. As much as he hated making her cry, the desperate, needy way they held each in moments like this always liked to take his breath away from him until he felt like their love could be the most fulfilling thing on the planet. The awareness of a gap in him being filled after so long was almost touchable from its potency.
“When I say I love you, I mean it. Every. Time. And I always want it to be as big a deal to me as it was the first time. I remember we were dancing together when we said it. I remember I sang to you. And I remember how important it was to me to hear you say you loved me, too. I could lie to the whole world, but I wouldn't lie about how I feel about you. There's no one else, Erin. Not for me. And if you don't forgive me, I promise I'll never forgive myself, either. But I made a mistake, and I had to own up to it, whether it hurt or not. But you have to know... I love you.”
"How could she do this to us?" Erin sobbed out, leaving him wondering if she was ever going to forgive him. She avoided telling him, reverting her frustrations to the girls they both knew and who would never seem the same to Erin's eyes. "How could she?" Erin clung to him, cried into him, still shaking from her distraught. He didn't answer her - he had no answer. "Yu--ki--tooo!"
"I don't know, Erin." he mumbled hopelessly, painfully, "I don't know, but it doesn't make a difference to me why or how. I don't want that." He was holding her again, wishing he knew how to comfort and reassure her again. "I don't want it." He touched her chin, wishing she would look up into his face. "I want to see you laughing and smiling again. Because when you smile, it's like you give off this warm, fuzzy feeling that makes me feel like a total dork and way too cliche for you to be seen with me, but I don't ever want to be away from that feeling. And you do it, even in your sleep.." it was hard to speak now, but he liked saying it and he was smiling as he did so, "Even in your sleep you sometimes smile. I thinkon those moments I caught myself watching you, and I remember that no matter how much you hate me, you still love me. It keeps me going sometimes, it really does. And I want that to keep going. I want to light up your day sometime. I want to make you smile even when you never planned on smiling."
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"How could she do this to us? How could she?" Erin sobbed, clinging desperately to Yukito. He didn't answer her, and she cried again, shaking, "Yu--ki--tooo!"
"I don't know, Erin. I don't know, but it doesn't make a difference to me why or how. I don't want that." She squeezed her eyes shut, wishing it all away, for everything and everyone to let them be and to love in peace, as he kept her close to him. But the wishes weren't working. They never did. Everything would be different between her and Cassie the next time they saw one another-- Erin's only consolation was that it was just acting. It was just acting. It was just acting. "I don't want it." She couldn't make herself answer, only sniffling instead, fingers holding fast to the folds of his shirt. Yukito touched her chin, but she didn't move, still hiding her face in his shirt. No. I'm hurt, and I want to hide, and I can't...
"I want to see you laughing and smiling again. Because when you smile, it's like you give off this warm, fuzzy feeling that makes me feel like a total dork and way too cliche for you to be seen with me, but I don't ever want to be away from that feeling. And you do it, even in your sleep.."
Erin lifted her face a little; she could see him now. He was smiling, wasn't he? "Do what?" she asked, chiding herself for talking when allthey crying was making her sound like she had a bad cold. She could only imagine how red and sick-looking her face was just then.
"Even in your sleep you sometimes smile. I think on those moments I caught myself watching you, and I remember that no matter how much you hate me, you still love me. It keeps me going sometimes, it really does. And I want that to keep going. I want to light up your day sometime. I want to make you smile even when you never planned on smiling."
A few fresh tears dropped across her cheeks because she couldn't give him what he wanted. Erin looked up at him, still holding him, still trying to catch her breath again. "It-- it was just acting, right? And, and it happened.. right?" Voicing it made more tears drop. She hated that. Had she cried this much before loving Yukito? "Why do I cry so much?" she asked aloud, shrugging a shoulder to meet her cheek and removing some of the water there. Erin looked back at Yukito, eyes wide and pleading and pressing. "Will you still kiss me?" She took in a sharp breath. "Can I come home with you? Will you let me stay?"
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
He tried to lift her chin up towards him, but she fought it, and the strength in his fingers trickled away. "I want to see you laughing and smiling again. Because when you smile, it's like you give off this warm, fuzzy feeling that makes me feel like a total dork and way too cliche for you to be seen with me, but I don't ever want to be away from that feeling. And you do it, even in your sleep.."
Erin lifted her face a little. Tearstains still ran down both her cheeks, making them glisten. "Do what?" she asked, her curiosity always getting the better of her. If she could lay aside her anger and hurt for just a moment for the sake of curiosity, it was more than he expected of her.
"Even in your sleep you sometimes smile. I think on those moments I caught myself watching you, and I remember that no matter how much you hate me, you still love me. It keeps me going sometimes, it really does. And I want that to keep going. I want to light up your day sometime. I want to make you smile even when you never planned on smiling."
She was crying again, and he didn't know if this was the wrong thing to say right now. Either way, it was the truth. He wished he could stop bringing pain and sadness down into her life, he wished he could offer her something better than that.
"It-- it was just acting, right? And, and it happened.. right?" Yukito was frowning now, looking at her with a sober expression. To say it was only acting didn't quite explain the sensation of being someone else. Though essentially, that's what it had been. Emotionally, playing the Phantom had meant more to him than that. But at the root of it all it didn't transfer any of his love for Erin to Cassie, and he knew that. And she should have known that. Slowly, he nodded.
"Just acting."
"Why do I cry so much?" she asked aloud, shrugging a shoulder to meet her cheek and removing some of the water there. He didn't answer her. Erin looked back at Yukito, eyes wide and pleading and pressing. You cry because I keep doing this to us. "Will you still kiss me?" She took in a sharp breath. "Can I come home with you? Will you let me stay?"
For a long moment he just stood there, holding her, "I want you to, more than anything." He leaned forward into her, her face still looking up towards him, and touched his lips to hers, gently, lingering with her as though it had been a hundred years since he'd last touched her. "Please do. Please come home with me. Please stay." He kissed her again as a punctuation to each sentence, harder and harder, his voice risen to a desperate, whispered plea. "Please. I'm sorry." Of course he wanted her to stay. He needed her to stay. Because he meant what he said when he had told her he loved her. Nothing was going to erase that, and especially not a kiss, with Cassie, or Yumi. No one else. He felt guilty, like a child who has learned to stop doing something but fell back into the habit anyways, and he had too little pride left to hide how sorry he was for that, and how much he regretted it. He hated himself for this, for doing exactly what his father would have.
~~~~~
To be Cont'd
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Post by Elda Forever on Jan 25, 2010 20:10:56 GMT -5
Erin Spenser
"It-- it was just acting, right? And, and it happened.. right?" It seemed forever before he nodded.
"Just acting."
Hearing the words from his mouth made the situation seem just that much more bearable. If it was just acting, then, she could forgive them both easier. They were trying to do their job well, and they did it too well... She might even have been guilty of the same if she hadn't made her promise to everyone involved that it would be fake-kissing for her. She knew she wouldn't forget, though. It would be easier to forgive Cassie, but she wasn't going to forget. It would be different the next time they met... not bad... but.. different. Trust had still been fractured, and those marks would remain, even if it wasn't shattered. And she didn't want it to be shattered...
"Why do I cry so much?" Erin asked aloud, using her shoulder to wipe away some of the tears. Then she found Yukito's eyes again, and didn't want to look away. "Will you still kiss me?" She took in a sharp breath. "Can I come home with you? Will you let me stay?" It would make everything so much better, Erin thought, if she could just be alone with Yukito for a while. To be with him and love him and goof off with him and laugh with him... that would make this all so much better.
For a long moment he just stood there, holding her, and Erin didn't move from it. She was sure he knew that she needed that right now. "I want you to, more than anything." He leaned forward into her, her face still looking up towards him, and touched his lips to hers. At that moment she felt secure in him. He still wanted her, even after two other girls invaded. He still chose her. "Please do. Please come home with me. Please stay." He kissed her again as a punctuation to each sentence, harder and harder, almost like he might never get to do it again. "Please," he whispered. "I'm sorry."
Erin nodded, then returned his kiss, and hugged him close, protective and needing to feel him close against her. "I forgive you..." She gave him a little smile. "I'll always forgive you..." I hope you'll forgive me, too... Another little kiss, another hug, and Erin added, "Let's go..." She was about to add "home", but stopped herself just in time, and the thought furthered her little smile.
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
"Will you still kiss me? Can I come home with you? Will you let me stay?" The questions were so fearfully spoken, as though she had ever thought he would have told her no, that she couldn't come home with him. Didn't she get it, yet? He'd loved her, over a year now. They'd had their own horrible, nightmarish moments. But the loving part hadn't changed. He couldn't imagine how some kids were fickle in love. They couldn't know what it really felt like, to have this one thing in the whole world he could depend on to never change, not at all. If anything, it would swell and thicken into an even stronger feeling until he could have been knocked over by it like an overwhelming wave. He stood there for a long time, watching every feature on her face as she watched him back, just holding onto her.
"I want you to, more than anything." he said at last, leaning forward to kiss her, trying to prove to her in some way - any way - what he was feeling about her, and had, for a long time now. "Please do. Please come home with me. Please stay." He kissed her again as a punctuation to each sentence, harder and harder, willing fate to give them something so that they wouldn't have to let go and feel alone again. "Please," he whispered. "I'm sorry."
Erin nodded, then returned his kiss, and hugged him close, the stiffening of his muscles not near as lasting as they had once been. He wanted to tell her at each little victory, each time they made progress without her even realizing it. He wanted to turn into a kid again, to exclaim with glee, 'See? Look at what I can do again! Just like I used to.' He looked to her, probably looking pathetic and needy, yet again. Always asking her to compromise for him. When could it be his turn? When would it get hard for him like it was for her? He wanted it that way, and needed it to be. He needed to know he was willing to sacrifice for her needs. Then, she said the words he needed to hear, but hadn't deserved yet. "I forgive you..." She gave him a little smile, while he let out a sigh of relief. "I'll always forgive you..." Erin met his lips in another kiss, and a tighter embrace.
He was out of breath already, holding onto her and barely keeping himself from shivering from the sensation of her words. "Thank you..." he managed to whisper breathlessly.
"Let's go..." she said with a smile, trying to go back to her usual self. Yukito sent her a little smile back, nodding and entangling their fingers together. He wanted to hold her hand again. He liked that, even if they hadn't yet found a way to walk and hug at the same time - they'd tried, he recalled, with much laughter and too much flailing around for them to achieve comfort from the embrace - they still had their hands, at least. Like a hug for the hands. They went back to the car, but before they crawled back in, he leaned over and gave her another kiss. "I love you," he murmured.
I still do.
Finished here!
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Post by Elda Forever on Feb 3, 2010 22:30:28 GMT -5
Natalie Stuffles! D:
OOC: Continued from Seeing Red! : D BIC:
Yukito Maki
He was listless and quiet the entire drive home, which luckily wasn't very long, but seemed unbearable. When he turned off the car and stepped out, he made a simple comment to Erin that, "We should probably work on getting your license soon, so you can drive the Volvo more." Occasionally he had let her drive, and even if she wasn't as paranoid (he liked to use the term 'cautious') as he was, Erin had still been more than passable as a driver. Part of that was because he tended to trust Erin's judgment as a whole, but even his more logical side had to agree. Most of the time.
Unlocking the front door made him feel a little better, as strange as it was. He could try to make himself believe that locking it meant Amane was locked out until he returned, at least. The house was kind of dark, so he flicked the lights on, a somber look still on his face as he glanced around the house cautiously, as though he expected someone to be there. Even if he knew no one would be. With a defeated sigh, he kicked his shoes off and made a beeline for the only bed in the house, flopping down on it face-first into the entanglement of blankets. It wasn't supposed to be that hard to get rid of a stalker. So much of it was just his own problems, and he was sick of those getting in the way of everything. He wondered if Erin was still as worried as she had looked back in Red. She had looked so furious...so protective of him and angry at Amane. He hadn't expected her to start getting violent on him, but looking back, it seemed like such an Erin thing to do. "Erin?" he called out for her, his voice muffled by the blankets.
He didn't move for a few moments, then slowly raised his face until he could see. "I'm... glad you were there today." He sent her a little smile, then it faded. Gnawing at his gut was the way she had mumbled an 'Oh' anytime he mentioned Natalie outside the store. "Erin...? You don't want me to talk about her, do you? About Natalie?" Hislip worked before he could find words to add on, "Your face whenever I mention her... it's like you're a million miles away."
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
Yukito wasn't talking at all, having sunk into himself in his shock or worry or whatever it was Amane caused in him. Erin just took advantage of the quiet to try to calm herself down, speaking to him softly every so often in an attempt to be encouraging, but it felt kind of stupid to do that after how she'd acted so recently. And half her thoughts were being occupied by the white elephant in the room. Amane's little comment, just like she'd probably wanted, had gotten in Erin's head, reviving and heightening the senses of jealousy and competition and worry over the rarely spoken of girl. His first love. Not me... Once they got home, Yukito said to her, "We should probably work on getting your license soon, so you can drive the Volvo more."
Erin gave him a wry smile, rolling her eyes. "Like I want to sit through that test again..." Like I could. Her thoughts about herself compared to this ghost that had appeared between then had made her feel particularly bitter towards herself.
As soon as they'd gotten inside, Yukito disappeared into the bedroom, as if it was a refuge from everything outside of it. Usually, Erin felt a bit like that, too, like it was a little sanctuary at times for her, for them... but now, she wondered just how much she was included in that equation of the home. She trailed behind him, a little slowly, a little sadly, half lost in thought.She wondered if Natalie would have acted like she did to Amane, and if Yukito was disappointed because she'd been all wrong.
Inside the room, she sat on the floor cross-legged and began browsing through her phone messages and texts. She wasn't really paying attention to them, though, mind still echoing the doubts and anxieties and jealousies the recent events had evoked in her. And she was too worried about offending or upsetting the only one that could settle the worries, too... I still don't have your heart, no matter what I do.. She's already taken it, and she's not even here to give it back... What other firsts don't I get to be to you? I'll never be your first love.. I'll never be your only love... she's going to always be here, isn't she? Like a ghost. A ghost keeping a part of your heart I'll never see... but that's all I want! I want to be your love, your one, your only, and I keep doing it all wrong... She would have never done what I did, I bet... She probably did everything better... that's why he still misses her so much. I can never be enough, so why do I even try?
"Erin?" Yukito's muffled voice broke her from her depressing reverie. She looked over to him, doing her best to sound herself again, free from the doubts weighing her down just then. "Huh?"
For a second he was still, burrowed in the blankets, then shifted, freeing his voice from the muff. "I'm... glad you were there today." He gave her a little smile which she returned obligingly, still trying but felt she was failing. Still feeling bitter with herself. "Yeah.. free entertainment... that's me."
The expression had left Yukito's face, and the air felt heavy again. She was sure he felt it too, and so she started absently playing on her phone again. Until again Yukito called, "Erin...?" She looked up. "Hm?"
"You don't want me to talk about her, do you? About Natalie?"
"What? No! No, I..." she sighed, trying to find the right words without being a jerk about it... After all, he still loved her... she had to at least attempt to understand more, even if she couldn't! "Yukito, it's just..." It's just I have no idea how I am supposed to deal with this! I feel like I'm in love with a widower and I have no idea what to do or how to feel or if anyone understands how I'm feeling, too!
"Your face whenever I mention her... it's like you're a million miles away."
Erin's face fell, feeling like she was a child that had just been caught doing exactly the opposite of what she'd promised. A feeling that she was sure she disappointed Yukito now fell upon her. She looked down at her knees, scared to say her thoughts for fear of hurting him with them. "You won't like it if I tell you..." And by that she meant, You won't like me if I tell you.
She lifted her eyes to meet him, finally, and blurted, "I want to be the one you love, and I don't want to share! I can't do it!" Her face fell into her hands, frustrated with herself and frustrated with Yukito and frustrated with this myth or ghost or memory or whoever she was to them now. Why was she so selfish? Why couldn't she make herself share, even with a memory? "I'm selfish and I know it but I can't help it! I'll never be your first for anything, and you're mine for everything! I'm sorry!" Her tone sounded desperate, she knew, and it made her feel as pathetic as she sounded.
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
Once they got home, Yukito said to her, "We should probably work on getting your license soon, so you can drive the Volvo more." It was a comment made more to distract both of them from the heavy air surrounding their every move and unspoken word, but it failed to do its job. At least things were sort of alright for a moment.
Erin gave him a wry smile, rolling her eyes."Like I want to sit through that test again..."
“I want to see if it's any easier for you if I read the manual aloud, then maybe you could read the test questions out to yourself, too,” he shrugged. “I know you can drive well enough, but I'd like it to be legal. And it's a short test. We could try....”
It didn't take him long to go from the front door to the refuge of the bed. In a very unorthodox way, the bed was a safety. Not many arguments happened when both of them sat quietly there, just staring up at the ceiling. There was a sort of invisible barrier between the world and them at night when he could feel her heat radiating from her side of the bed, and could hear her breathing. And there, he could even smile to himself in the darkness of the room at night, thinking to himself that he hoped he didn't snore, because he knew she'd tease him relentlessly for that. The most amusing part of thoughts like those was how they were so ordinary and meaningless. He liked the meaningless parts. It made him feel like he could enjoy her a little more than most anybody else could.
But now, she didn't join him on the bed, as though secretly understanding how he felt about their little temple. She sat on the floor, staring at her phone, as he buried his face in the blankets, feeling her absence next to him as deeply as the hollow sensation in his stomach. At last, he couldn't stand it anymore, and he called out for her, hoping she was nearby. “Erin?”
"Huh?"
For a second he was still, burrowed in the blankets, then he raised his face to look at her. "I'm... glad you were there today." He gave her a little smile which she returned almost wistfully. She'd been able to face Amane and, likely unbeknown to Erin herself, her mere presence and continued anger had given him enough resolve to go through with telling Amane once and for all to go away.
"Yeah.. free entertainment... that's me."
Ah, she was referring to her violent way of dealing with Amane again. “At least I know that if I get kidnapped by the mafia, you'd come save me,” he said in a barely masked tone of seriousness. His feeble attempts at lightening the mood fell. There was no way around the deep sensation of dread and emptiness when they touched on the subject of her, was there?
"Erin...?" he called again, and she looked up and mumbled an ascent that she had heard him. As if the almost-normal tone she used could mask how quiet she was being. Didn't she know herself better than that? Didn't she think he knewher better than that? He spoke rather bluntly comparatively to his normal ways, adamant that he should make it a subject they had openly discussed... at last. "You don't want me to talk about her, do you? About Natalie?" Because the only reason I don't mention her is because of you. You said you wanted to know these kinds of things. But when it comes to Natalie you close yourself off. And it doesn't make me feel any closer to you, not with this. I'm tired of that. I don't want Amane, of all people, to know more about me than you.
"What? No! No, I...”she attempted, sighing wearily,"Yukito, it's just...”Just what, Erin? Please...
He laid his cheek against the bed again, still facing her as he laid sideways on the bed. "Your face whenever I mention her... it's like you're a million miles away."
Her expression fell, as did her gaze."You won't like it if I tell you..."
Yukito stared at her a moment. “I'd still love you,” was his simple prompt. It never took much to get Erin started. A gentle nudge would always do, if it was the right time. If things ever had a 'right time' between them.
She lifted her eyes to meet him, finally, and blurted, "I want to be the one you love, and I don't want to share! I can't do it!" Her face fell into her hands, as though ashamed, or broken. Yukito did not move at first, just watching her.
“Share..” he breathed, as though the word had previously meant nothing to him. He would have been severely confused if he hadn't been the first one to mention Natalie directly.
"I'm selfish and I know it but I can't help it! I'll never be your first for anything, and you're mine for everything! I'm sorry!" Her tone sounded desperate, but he found it hard to do anything but take her words in calmly, his previous emotional stupor still as vapid as it had been earlier with Amane.
“You aregoing to be my first, Erin, in more ways than you even know,” he began slowly, “Natalie may have been the first girl I loved, but it's... it's not the same.” He shifted, letting out a little groan as he pulled out his arms from the entanglement and folded them in front of him, propping himself up on his elbows. “And I don't want you to feel like this, but Iwant to tell you about her. Because I don't want to keep her to myself any longer. You know?” The last question was spoken so skeptically he wondered if he really did want to talk about Natalie. He didn't talk about her, that was one of the facts about himself that he knew for certain. Erin was the only one he spoke to her about, and he did that willingly, wanting to open up to her about this amazing person he'd once known. Could he talk about her now? It felt like a long time ago, but time had still moved on as rapidly as it ever had. Maybe it was that a part of him had stayed behind with Natalie. A part of him hadn't moved on and grown up.
But he had to believe that talking about her, as wonderful and painful as that might be, was the only way to do that. Wasn't that what the psychiatrists made their big bucks on? People who had something to say but never said it? What about Erin in all of this? How could he try to figure out how she was feeling, how could he step into her shoes, when he was already so muddled up about how he felt about it.“Erin, please... I know it's hard for you... but... I want you to know who she was. Because maybe then you'll understand. It's different now.” He looked to her, pleading. “I don't want her between us. She's dead, Erin. I know that. She's completely and utterly dead. I saw her die and I'm fully aware of how gone she is. I don't want reality to be twisted when I already had to deal with seeing her slip away. I'm not holding on to any hopes. I don't want that.” He had lumped up the blankets beneath him as a sort of cushion to lay his chin on, still watching her from his position on the bed. He wanted to call her over, to ask her to join him in their little rectangular sanctuary. But like he couldn't have made her unlock the door and let him in, he couldn't find it in himself to make her sit next to him when there was still something unsaid between them. And this time, it was sort of both of them who needed to confess.
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"Your face whenever I mention her... it's like you're a million miles away."
Her expression fell, along with her gaze, towards the floor, away from him. Towards the disappointment. "You won't like it if I tell you..."
“I'd still love you,” Yukito said after a moment. And though she believed him, Erin was still scared. He could love her and still not like her... still be disappointed in her... still be mad at her... She made herself say it, scared everything would blow up again if she didn't say it now. Lifting her eyes to meet him again, she confessed, "I want to be the one you love, and I don't want to share! I can't do it!" Her face fell into her hands, hiding from him. Sure he was looking at her in that way. That way she hated. She plunged on, trying to recover just a little, but not succeeding. And she knew it, as soon as the words left her lips. "I'm selfish and I know it but I can't help it! I'll never be your first for anything, and you're mine for everything! I'm sorry!" I've ruined it all, again...! But it was true what she said... she was jealous of him, and she wanted so badly to be the one who fully captured his heart. She had this awful worry that there would be one part of him she'd never have, and it would grow bigger and deeper all the time, and then he'd just wish more than anything that she was her again.. He might wish he could go back to Natalie instead of ridiculous, baby Erin that somehow got into the habit of crying like a little child around Yukito at the stupidest things, and got too angry for her own good, and did stupid things on a regular basis.... How often did he miss her?
“You aregoing to be my first, Erin, in more ways than you even know,” Yukito started. Erin shifted uncomfortably, not sure if she got the extent of just how important it all was to her. “Natalie may have been the first girl I loved, but it's... it's not the same.”
Yukito sat up, propping himself up on his elbows. “And I don't want you to feel like this, but Iwant to tell you about her. Because I don't want to keep her to myself any longer. You know?”
Erin fidgeted, poking at her jeans and biting her lip. She knew she should say yes, that it was the right thing for her to do. A true, caring girlfriend would say yes and listen. But she was a selfish, babyish, jealous, needy, clingy, spoiled girl who only wanted him to herself, and wanted to be his only one, too. Once again, she was torn. And furious with herself for being that way. "Yeah.." she responded forcibly. Trying her best to be the good girlfriend she wanted to be, but unable to really make herself believe she could be. But you don't understand how I feel, either...! You don't know what it feels like to share you with a memory, and to wonder if I can measure up! If you wish you were with her when I don't do my best, and you remember how much you loved her... Would you have stayed together with her? Given her a ring? Married her? Stayed with her forever, and have a family? And then I'd come in second...
“Erin, please... I know it's hard for you... but... I want you to know who she was. Because maybe then you'll understand. It's different now.” She shifted awkwardly again, playing absently with her phone. “I don't want her between us. She's dead, Erin. I know that. She's completely and utterly dead. I saw her die and I'm fully aware of how gone she is. I don't want reality to be twisted when I already had to deal with seeing her slip away. I'm not holding on to any hopes. I don't want that.”
"I know that..." she said quietly. His words had welled up a wave of guilt in her, easily brought about from the day's recent events, and Erin looked up at him, face contrite. She had to try. For him, and for them. Not anyone else. Just her, and Yukito. Forcing herself into selflessness had to help somehow, to make her be less self-focused. So he wouldn't miss Natalie so much, maybe.... Maybe wishing that was selfish, too. She had to try, though... she was determined. Erin gave a quick nod. "O-okay. I, I mean, all right. I mean... I know that... it's just... you can tell me stuff if you want... I'll listen...." [/i]I'll try.[/i]
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
“Erin, please... I know it's hard for you... but... I want you to know who she was. Because maybe then you'll understand. It's different now.” Erin shifted awkwardly again, playing absently with her phone. “I don't want her between us. She's dead, Erin. I know that. She's completely and utterly dead. I saw her die and I'm fully aware of how gone she is. I don't want reality to be twisted when I already had to deal with seeing her slip away. I'm not holding on to any hopes. I don't want that.”
"I know that..." she said quietly. Erin looked up at him, face contrite. There was along period of silence. Yukito didn't know what to say. She was still closing off on him, he could feel it. But what was he supposed to do about it? All he'd known before now was that she wanted him to share everything, trust her with everything. Now came a part of him she really didn't want to know, a test of something she really didn't want to hear. And she was closing off on him. Please, Erin. Prove me wrong. "O-okay. I, I mean, all right. I mean... I know that... it's just... you can tell me stuff if you want... I'll listen...."
Yukito smiled at her, thanking her silently. Then, he found himself without anymore words to say about Natalie. He was at a loss. Where to start? "She loved art. All kinds of it. She was drawing the day I met her, sitting on a park bench in Tokyo, looking way out of place as the foreigner. I was there with my mom, right after a lot of the stuff with my dad came down. I can't remember where I was going, but I remember seeing her there. She looked so focused, and so serious about her work, even if a bit of smile turned up her lips in one corner. She saw me there, and talked to me. She was very blunt, if I recall. Said something about stalkers and me not hovering over her like a psycho. I didn't find it funny. I guess nothing much was funny then. She asked me to sit with her, and I did. I did and from then on, she called me a shadow following her around. I didn't say much, but she didn't mind that, and that was nice. I was sick of people trying to get me to talk all the time about my feelings, but Natalie.. I dunno. It was like she didn't care, but I knew I didn't have to explain my every movement to her." He shrugged, staring at the carpet, his arms still folded in front of him. His voice lowered, "Nothing seemed to bother Natalie. I don't know much about her family because neither of us wanted to talk about it anymore. We were both tired of it, and just wanted to be kids and screw off and waste time."
"I found her in the park one day. She was all busted up." He spoke quietly now, his face unreadable. "I got her an apartment. I don't think I ever slept there, though. It was this crummy little hole that no oneused anymore. Natalie acted like it was heaven on earth. All I had to do was keep food there and buy her art supplies, and she could have lived there forever." He swallowed. "I knew she was cutting. But I didn't do anything about it. She didn't want to talk about it, said I made her feel so much better and that she was stopping all that. She said she wanted me to stay with her. Not to tell anyone about it. And I was stupid and didn't. I wanted to keep her alive, but I was too stupid. I was another stupid teenager who didn't do anything about it, and didn't tell anyone until she was already bleeding to death. And I wish I could take back how stupid I was, but I can't. She should've been smarter than that. She should've known she was being as stupid as I was. But she let me think it was gonna be okay. That just sitting together alone in her sanctuary for hours and hours would erase what had happened to us before, and what was happening then." he paused. "She like late night TV shows, and cartoons. She loved pizza and couldn't stand spicy foods. She liked the colors red and pink and black. She had blond hair and a pretty smile, and she didn't like going out places. But she liked taking chances and risks and being stupid. She liked to live on the edge at the oddest moments, and she liked knowing I could never keep up with her. I was scared, silly, slow Yukito, and she liked that about me. Because she felt like I was different... " But I let her go, and she ran away the first chance she could. She cut herself again, too deeply, and I couldn't bring her back.
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"O-okay," Erin made herself say. She had to be bigger. She had to be better, and grow up. She couldn't disappoint Yukito like this.. even if she didn't understand how she felt. "I, I mean, all right. I mean... I know that... it's just... you can tell me stuff if you want... I'll listen...."
Yukito smiled, and Erin took it as an invitation to come sit next to him again. She could surely try better sitting close to him. If she was holding him, right there, confirming and feeling his love right there with her, even if he was talking about his first love. His other love. The love that would always keep some of his heart that Erin could never have... because she was Erin, not someone else.. No, I can't keep doing that! She chided herself, moving closer to Yukito, but he kept his arms folded. Not aroundher. Not where she wanted them to be oh-so-badly, so she would at least feel a little better...
"She loved art," he started. Already Erin knew she didn't measure up. She liked art, too, but not like how people meant when they said that. She made fine doodles, but nothing more than that... no fancy paintings orsculptures or anything, and she couldn't name more artists than Monet or Picasso. I could try harder, though... if he wanted... "All kinds of it. She was drawing the day I met her, sitting on a park bench in Tokyo, looking way out of place as the foreigner. I was there with my mom, right after a lot of the stuff with my dad came down. I can't remember where I was going, but I remember seeing her there. She looked so focused, and so serious about her work, even if a bit of smile turned up her lips in one corner. She saw me there, and talked to me. She was very blunt, if I recall. Said something about stalkers and me not hovering over her like a psycho. I didn't find it funny. I guess nothing much was funny then. She asked me to sit with her, and I did. I did and from then on, she called me a shadow following her around. I didn't say much, but she didn't mind that, and that was nice. I was sick of people trying to get me to talk all the time about my feelings, but Natalie.. I dunno. It was like she didn't care, but I knew I didn't have to explain my every movement to her." He shrugged, still not looking at her and still not touching her, not even making a move to hold her hand, and it made her want to cry again. Why was she so freaking emotional?! No, she had to just shut herself up, and listen better, and try to understand... But he wouldn't pull her to him, or hold her hand, or even look at her, and Erin couldn't help but feel she was entirely right that she would never have his heart... not ever, as much as she wished it would happen..."Nothing seemed to bother Natalie. I don't know much about her family because neither of us wanted to talk about it anymore. We were both tired of it, and just wanted to be kids and screw off and waste time."
I like wasting time with you, too... don't you remember?[/b]
"I found her in the park one day. She was all busted up." Erin was ashamed to feel her lip quivering, but he wasn't looking. She wasn't even there anymore, not now. "I got her an apartment." She closed her eyes hard to keep from letting the tears spill at that... but she didn't get first with that, either. There was so much... it wasn't right... it wasn't fair! She didn't even get to be first with living with him! "I don't think I ever slept there, though." You don't think? That's just kind of important! "It was this crummy little hole that no one used anymore. Natalie acted like it was heaven on earth. All I had to do was keep food there and buy her art supplies, and she could have lived there forever."
How much he was speaking now... it was so much more at once than he usually ever did. She couldn't remember the last time he'd said that much at once. And now that he was, it was all about Natalie. And it hurt. She was doing everything to keep from crying, from running out of the room to some safe place, from breaking down and crying out how she was sure he'd never, ever talk about her that way... with that voice, completely immersed in her... It would never happen.
"I knew she was cutting. But I didn't do anything about it. She didn't want to talk about it, said I made her feel so much better and that she was stopping all that. She said she wanted me to stay with her." Stay with her... another first gone. Despite her best efforts, a tear slipped out, proving to her that her best efforts weren't good enough. Hold me, please... just hold me, okay? Nothing. "Not to tell anyone about it. And I was stupid and didn't. I wanted to keep her alive, but I was too stupid. I was another stupid teenager who didn't do anything about it, and didn't tell anyone until she was already bleeding to death. And I wish I could take back how stupid I was, but I can't. She should've been smarter than that. She should've known she was being as stupid as I was. But she let me think it was gonna be okay. That just sitting together alone in her sanctuary for hours and hours would erase what had happened to us before, and what was happening then." He paused, then picked up again. "She like late night TV shows, and cartoons. She loved pizza and couldn't stand spicy foods. She liked the colors red and pink and black. She had blond hair and a pretty smile, and she didn't like going out places. But she liked taking chances and risks and being stupid. She liked to live on the edge at the oddest moments, and she liked knowing I could never keep up with her. I was scared, silly, slow Yukito, and she liked that about me. Because she felt like I was different... "
His last couple of sentences held no meaning for her; she'd gotten too overwhelmed and couldn't think on his words anymore without breaking down. Erin shifted to her knees, taking in a sharp breath, and keeping her face from his sight so he wouldn't see her crying. Because now she couldn't, and he wasn't going to take her in his arms now, and she just couldn't... she couldn't do this. "I'm sorry," she choked out, standing to her feet. "I'm-- I'm sorry, Yukito. I.. I just need to think..." She still wouldn't look towards him, knowing just how awfully tear-stained her face looked now as she picked up the old messenger bag she used as an oversized purse. "Please... just for a little while... I'm sorry, Yukito, I'm really sorry..." Her keys and phone went with her as Erin slipped as quick as she could out the room, out the apartment that wasn't his first, and walked quickly, ignoring the blurriness her tears were making again, and stopped at the nearest place she could. A gas station on the corner. Not a very safe one, but it would do for now.
Inside the convenience store at the gas station, Erin pulled out her phone and, hands shaking along with her voice, made her call. "Daddy? Can you come pick me up?"
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
Talking about her felt so strange. He made himself go faster and faster, explaining and saying things that didn't mean anything really, in his desire to say out loud all the things he remembered. It was as if he had to prove to himself that he could still remember her enough to tell someone what kind of a person she was. The problem was, he was too wrapped up in his own thoughts and he didn't see Erin drawing away from him. He took her movement to the couch as her accepting the conversation and being ready for it. But she wasn't. Not at all. He'd assumed that all his false starts at telling her, all the times he hadn't told Erin, all the secrets he'd kept to himself stupidly thinking he was protecting her, were wrong. He thought she wanted to know. He thought she should know. So he had told her. And now she looked totally disheveled as he watched her, her face turned away and her posture telling of hurt. Shocked and at a loss, Yukito started to move closer to her, his hand reaching out to touch her. “Erin..?”
"I'm sorry," she choked out, standing to her feet before he could make physical contact with her. "I'm-- I'm sorry, Yukito. I.. I just need to think..."
“But Erin, I thought you --” he had no idea at all what to do now. This was what he had been afraid of. Telling her something she never wanted to know, no matter how much she said she did, and hurting her through his words. You idiot...should've just kept your mouth shut like you're supposed to. Erin walked away from him, not meeting his eyes and grabbing her messenger bag she kept with her practically all the time.
"Please... just for a little while... I'm sorry, Yukito, I'm really sorry..."
“You said you wanted me to talk to you...” She kept walking away, still not looking at him, still not ready for all of him. His voice rose, afraid and angry, apologetic and accusatory, “Erin!”
The door slammed shut behind her, and he was left alone again.
Yukito dropped his head to the blankets again, burying his face in the comforter as if it would hide him from himself and what had just happened. How come she didn't understand? She'd said she wanted to know all the parts of him, even the hard parts. And as soon as he made the move to help her understand, as soon as he dropped the defenses for her in a situation where he wasn't guilty of some crime or accusation, she ran out on him. He wasn't even sure if she would be back. She'd said she would be. But she's also said she would be okay with hearing about Natalie. She was supposed to understand it. She had to. Yukito hadn't expected anyone else to get it, as long as Erin got it. And now she had ran out, trying to escape all the problems Yukito brought her. At last, it had been too much, and it was the day Amane had to be told to go away. And it had to be the day he thought he could really trust her with this, one of his most precious memories.
He decided right then and there that he wasn't going to cry. He didn't care what that meant for him psychologically. He hated to hear that crying was good for you. Why should it be when it hurt so much? After what felt like eons of hiding his face on the bottom of the bed, he slowly crawled off the edge of the futon mattress. Yukito numbly shut the bedroom door, and locked it. Then he went to the CD player that was set up just outside the bathroom, put a random CD in it, and played it at the topmost volume. Then he went back to the bed, laid his head on the pillow and covered his head with the blanket.
He wasn't going to cry. But if she needed time, then he needed a lifetime to get over it all.
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
The awful feelings of guilt and jealousy throbbed angrily inside her head, matching the rhythm of her heart as Erin waited inside the convenience store, reliving her mistakes in her head and forcing herself to keep from crying. Because she couldn’t cry now—the guy behind the counter was already watching her with that half-bewildered look, and breaking down now wouldn’t help that at all. She was pacing the aisles, dodging the few people that milled in and out, paying for their gas or buying a pack of cigarettes. She was grateful now that she didn’t have any money with her—goodness knows how she could waste it here so easily just because she was feeling bad.
He had called after her, and she’d just kept going. Because he didn’t get it, and she couldn’t explain. Explaining, even if Erin thought she could, would just make her sound worse and worse… maybe because she was the worst, and it didn’t show until now. She was selfish, she thought as she paced absently until her dad came. He said he was coming. He hadn’t asked what was wrong, but she was sure he knew she wasn’t just calling for fun. He always knew.
I’m selfish. I’m selfish, and spoiled, and jealous, and needy, and rude, and cruel to him… I can’t help it, though! Why is it so wrong of me to want his heart when I’ve given him all of mine? It’s not fair! It shouldn’t be wrong for me to feel this way! He’ll always miss her, and I want him to miss me! He would never talk about me the way he talks about her, never… what would he say about me? I laugh at stupid things and trust until it kills me and never learn from my mistakes, and I sing all day and don’t do anything useful and make him mad at me because I’m too selfish to handle him not touching me as he talks about the truest love of his life. What is wrong with that? What is wrong with me? “Too much,” she muttered aloud, glaring at the coke machine. Glaring, because it kept her from crying.
The ding of the door signaled another patron of the gas station, and despite her dark mood, Erin was compelled to look up at every person that entered. One, because it was just something she did by nature, and two, she wanted the comfort of the familiar presence of her family. The past dozen or so times she’d look, it had been too soon for her dad to be one of them, but this time, a familiar face that she’d neglected for too long soon met her eyes. And now Erin felt the guilt of leaving them behind. She could never love her parents more than she did; they were hers and they were always there. They didn’t say a word negatively when they began the slow payments on Erin’s emergency surgery bills. She’d seen the totals; she couldn’t even fathom owning that much money, much less owing it to someone else. And she knew it wasn’t easy for them to do that, either, but they did, and without a word. They weren’t even making Yukito or her pay it back, even half of it. And she was always getting calls from one of them, at least once a day, just to talk. But she hadn’t been back over to her house, really, and they hadn’t been to her and Yukito’s apartment. And now she thought she knew just how much you could miss a person when they were your family. Your small, little, crazy, ridiculous, overprotective, logical, messy, traditional family. And seeing her dad there for her, that was all she wanted. Erin met him at the doorway, automatically hugging him and forgetting just how determined she’d been not to cry.
And now that she was crying, it felt like it might never stop. She wasn’t sobbing, or shaking, or anything, just silent, solemn tears. “I ruined everything,” Erin cried, not wanting to let go. Jacob didn’t make her let go, either, having missed her just as much as she’d realized she’d missed him, but did gently guide her out of the doorway and toward his car as he quietly tried to console her enough to speak a bit more. “I ruined it because I’m horrible and selfish,” she repeated, looking up at the familiar face that she missed too much now.
Jacob withdrew just a bit, holding his daughter by her shoulders, looking as contrite and empathetic as he felt, though Erin wouldn’t receive it as such. She never really knew how much her own situations and feelings affected him, and her mother. Even more so now that she was farther away. Pointing out that her words weren’t true would only earn a cold reaction from her, so instead he asked quietly, simply, “What happened?”
They were standing in front of the hood of her dad’s car, the same old car they’d had since Erin started kindergarten, because he could keep getting it repaired and patched up and they’d all grown too attached to give it up until the engine fell out. The same car she hadn’t been inside of for months now. She swallowed hard, knowing Yukito wouldn’t want her telling the whole Natalie story to anyone. That included her dad. But she missed him, and loved him, and needed him, so she had to explain it, even if she didn’t explain everything. So standing at the front of the parked car, in the cool evening air that kept catching a strand or two of hair on her lip gloss, Erin started explaining. She explained about how Yukito loved a girl before her, but she died, and he missed her, and sometimes he missed her a lot. And that today, he’d wanted to talk about her, so Erin had tried to listen, but failed. She explained her need to have all of his heart, and all the jealous and selfish feelings she knew her dad would label as insecurities. And the thing was, he was probably right. She was ferociously trusting and loyal, even when things happened to remind her that the object of her affection wouldn’t always live up to her idealized perspective. Her and Yukito’s argument on Christmas morning had brought that clearly to her attention, and she’d been working on fixing that part of her diligently, for him, but it didn’t change the bruises that being “loyal to a fault” had given her already. And being an only child and knowing without a doubt that she was the center of her parents’ thoughts and attentions had not helped in this matter. Were it anyone else, Erin couldn’t have articulated the complicated thoughts and feelings and memories that had led to her leaving, but this was her dad. He knew, and he got her. He always got her, even when she didn’t get herself. I still need you.
During the lengthy spiel, they’d migrated to sitting on the hood of the car, Erin staring forlornly at her hands or knees with her dad keeping one hand on her shoulder, silently encouraging her until she felt she was finished. Finally, Erin ended in a desperate, “I feel like I’m in love with a widower and I don’t know how to deal with that, with any of it! She’ll always be there, and I’ll be wondering if he wishes I was more like she was whenever I screw up…”
“Do you want me to tell you what I think?” came the quiet offer. He would offer now, instead of just try to fix it. Erin liked that. She nodded, now looking toward her father. Just tell me what to do, and I’ll do it. I still need you to tell me what to do sometimes, and now I need it so much… Please tell me how to fix it all.
“I already know you love Yukito enough to work through this. Which means you’re going to have to learn to live with parts of his life and his past that aren’t ideal. The same way he’ll do for you. The pasts are different, but all the same, there are going to be things he’ll find to be difficult to learn to live with, just like you’re having trouble with this. And that’s okay. Everyone has that to deal with. And you aren’t supposed to know how to deal with death, in any way. It’s okay not to know, because no one really does, even if they live through it.”
Erin frowned. “Not helping,” she muttered. For some reason that made her dad smile at her. “I know. I’m sorry. I just want you to know it’s normal to feel the way you do. And as time goes on, he’ll be grieving less and less. But that part of his life, her role in his life, will always have happened. And you need to remember that you both love each other enough that you are willing to both give a little… Right?” he prodded gently. It was a strange thing for both of them, to speak of Erin’s love so frankly, and simply. They’d never done that before. Yukito was set on believing her dad hated him, and her dad always stayed out of Erin’s relationships as much as he could when it came to love and a future and such... bigger things.
Erin nodded. “Right.” We do that so much already…
“If Natalie is as important to Yukito as you say, then she’ll probably always be there, in his memories. Little things might suddenly remind him of her, and you won’t even see it coming. But then it’s your job to allow him to miss her a little at those moments. It doesn’t mean he loves you any less, Erin. It means he’s a normal person missing someone he lost, and you need to be there fore him by letting that happen. I promise, it gets easier to do over time. But at the same time,” he added, tone turning just a shade more authoritative and hinting at the protectiveness she was so used to expecting from her dad, “If you ever feel like you are living in someone else’s shadow, you tell him. If he has special things from her that he’s kept, he needs to consider where and how he treats them because of you. But on special days, anniversaries and those things, you need to be considerate of him, too.”
Once again, Erin nodded, trying to retain every word now. It was amazing how much more your parents knew when they weren’t around you 24/7, and you learned how much you needed them… Her dad continued. “When he wants to talk to you about her, it is a very special thing. He’s not doing it to hurt you or to make you feel like you have someone to measure up to—he loves you for who you are, not for how much you remind him of Natalie. When he wants to talk about her with you, he is letting you into a very special memory of his. In a strange way, it’s a silent way of saying he loves you enough to let you see those memories of her. Does that make sense?” Again, Erin nodded after a hesitation, and her dad let out a little sigh. ”I know it’s something you’re not used to… you never had to experience that, and I am so grateful for it, Erin. I am so blessed that you never had to cry over the death of someone you loved. But I am sorry now you have to learn, just a little bit, about what it’s like.”
Once more Erin nodded, then leaned over for another hug, the best comforter sometimes, and said a silent, passionate thank you for her blessing of a family that loved her so much, and for Yukito, praying he wouldn’t be too mad at her for how thoughtless she’d been. After a moment she timidly started, “Daddy?”
“Yes?”
“I left him when he was calling for me… he was trying to share with me, like you said, and I left. I think I really hurt him…” The thought of doing so made her choke up again.
“We hurt the ones we love, even if we’re not trying. It’s the quirk of being human.” He smiled at her softly; he’d been trying to make her smile a little, too, but it hadn’t worked, and he sighed a little. “Then what should you do about it?”
“Go home and tell him how sorry I am…”
Jacob nodded. “Get in, and I’ll take you home.”
Erin didn’t object. She could have walked, but she didn’t want to leave her dad just yet. Even if the drive was only three minutes… maybe five. Once she pointed out which apartment was theirs (she apologized blatantly for not having invited them sooner and silently vowed to at least have her parents over for dinner sometimes), Erin hastily opened the door and stepped inside, looking for Yukito. He wasn’t in the living room, so she called for him, pleadingly, as her dad waited unsure at the front door. “Yukito?” she called again, making a beeline for the bedroom, following the sound of the blaring music. She’d definitely hurt him, and she felt awful for it… too awful.
The door was locked. Her face fell, despondent, and she tried knocking. "Yukito? Yukito, please..." She turned to see her dad waiting down the hall and looked at him, feeling hopeless. "It's locked..."
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
He didn't know when he'd fallen asleep. He wasn't sure if she'd been gone a few minutes or a few hours. But he knew it looked darker in the room, the bed set beneath the large window in the bedroom. He stared up at it blankly, staring at each fold of the curtain. It was usually drawn, but he liked having it there, just the same, despite the fact that they rarely used it for the intended purpose of additional light. He had to have the window in the room. He'd always insisted on windows in his bedroom since he was little. He'd liked them first because he could look out at the world outside, and he wanted to be able to stick his head out and feel the rain pelting down on his head as he stared out. Later, his reasons had been different, but no less personal.
Of course, now it was supposed to all be forgotten. Yet he couldn't. He couldn't just drop his whole past for Erin on a whim, even if he wished it didn't effect him today, and now. It was all supposed to be a part of him, the person he was now. Good or bad. And she'd ran off on him. The music was still blaring through the room. It was odd that he hadn't heard it in his sleep. Maybe because it had helped to lull him off into an unconscious state, it wasn't likely to disrupt his sleep pattern. He let out a sigh, eyes still trained on the curtain. It's all going to change now, isn't it? Either she can't handle any of it, and doesn't come back. Or she does and she has to own up to the fact that she lied to me and said she could handle it. As much as he had wanted to tell her about Natalie today, it hurt for her to run out like that. It had hurt worse than if he'd been thrown through the wall, or punched in the face until he'd passed out. Because it was a betrayal, now. And it ached as he laid there, waiting for the ache to go away. Hoping it would. Not believing it should. He heard a muffled, familiar voice calling through the loud strains of Phantasmagoria singing in a language she'd never fully understand. It was kind of metaphorical, in a way. Her voice came closer. He could hear her trying the lock. Like he had a million times before, his eyes turned automatically to the doorhandle, watching the lights on it twist as she moved it. He didn't move toward the door, just watched it,transfixed.
"Yukito? Yukito, please..." Still, he didn't move, even after hearing the desperate edge in her tone. The song ended. Then, quieter, she said almost as if to someone else, "It's locked..."
Well, he knew that. Yukito shuffled off the bed and turned off the CD player, and went back to the bed, bunching up the comforters as he stared up at the doorway, like a child glued to a television screen. "What do you want, Erin?" he yelled out, unable to hide the bitterness in his tone. He'd had too many conversations through a doorway to not know how much tone changed things right now. But now it was different. He frowned deeper as the realization sunk in that he was trying to shut her out like he had everyone else. But she ran away. She heard me calling her and had to shut me out, after screaming at me so many times that we had to be open with each other. I told her about everything, everything but Natalie.
But this was Erin. And he knew that the instant she called out to him again, the second she said, 'Please, Yukito', he'd let her in again. So he let out a long, wearied sigh, tumbled off the bed with a thud, and sauntered over to the doorway, "I just don't get it, Erin. I'm trying hard just to keep myself out of an asylum, here, and this doesn't help any. I don't even know what you want from me anymore, but.." He had unlocked the door and opened it to find her standing there, right in the doorway. His expression, he knew, gave too much away. These days, he was always sorry for something. "I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what I could've done any different, but it always feels like the second I tell anybody anything, they just--" His eyes flickered up, catching sight of the figure who didn't look like he belonged. Instantly, his face darkened, looking back at Erin with fresh bitterness. "You called your father?" he hissed, eyes narrowing with suspicion. "Why? So he can try to fix me when you can't?!"
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"Yukito? Yukito, please..." Her hand dropped from the door and she turned away. "It's locked..."
Her dad made no response, and Erin felt the urge to cry again. "What do you want, Erin?" came the icy demand from inside.
Erin turned back to the door, leaning close onto it, calling back full of apology, "I want you! I want you, so I can tell you how wrong I was... please..."
After another second the door came open, and to her relief, she could now see Yukito, even if he was still furious with her. And even if he was furious with her, she wanted to hug him. The action was shut down immediately, though, when he snapped at her. "I just don't get it, Erin." Erin shifted, watching him, eyes and mind full of all the apologies she needed to say. "I'm trying hard just to keep myself out of an asylum, here, and this doesn't help any. I don't even know what you want from me anymore, but.."
Erin shook her head a little, trying to find the words she'd practiced in her head on the way home, but Yukito plowed on. "I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what I could've done any different, but it always feels like the second I tell anybody anything, they just--" He froze mid-sentence, and Erin followed his gaze, having forgotten in her desire to mend things that her dad was still there, barely over the threshold, waiting for Erin's okay to leave. Yukito turned his face back to Erin, and she bit her lip, suddenly regretting accepting the ride back. He wasn't going to take kindly to that, and she wanted so bad to make it all better...
"You called your father?" he hissed. "Why? So he can try to fix me when you can't?!"
"No!" Erin retorted immediately, offended by the very idea that he could think she'd do that. "I needed my dad, and he came for me," she explained, pointing forcefully to herself. "He came here for me, because I didn't know what to do and I needed him. Be mad at me, not him!" Her eyes had teared up again, but she didn't care now. She looked back at her dad, who was now looking very out of place and ready to bow out. "He was waiting for me to say he could go.. just if I wanted him again... I missed him..."
Jacob took that as his cue to leave, despite not wanting to leave his daughter when she still might need him, but also feeling his place was elsewhere from the couple's tiff. He wasn't doing any good by being present, so with an empathetic nod, he slipped back out without a word. But he waited in his car. Just for a little, just in case. In all honesty, he prayed they would work it out. Either one without the other was devastating to them both. They'd all learned that the hard way.
She turned to look at Yukito again, desperate to have him happy with her again. Aching to remedy her wrong. “Yukito, I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry, Yuyukun. Please…” Timidly, she reached out to brush his cheek, trying her best to be comforting and honest and open and to apologize right. She was so bad at it… “I’m sorry, please, please forgive me and let me make it up to you…” Gingerly, afraid he would tense under her touch or push her away, Erin put her hand on his arm, near his shoulder. “I messed up, Yukito, I’m selfish and I know it and I know it’s not an excuse and I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I am so, so, so sorry. I— I want to try again. Please. I—I know it’s ‘cause you love me, and want to share that with me, and I didn’t get that the first time you tried… I’m sorry. Will you please let me try again? Please? I don't want to fix you... ever... you don't need fixing... I love you. Please... ”
~~~~~
To be con'td.
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Post by Elda Forever on Feb 3, 2010 22:35:01 GMT -5
Yukito Maki
He opened the door, finding her surprisingly close. It threw him a little, making his voice sound more ticked than he actually was. By now, looking into her face, he knew he'd already forgiven her. But he couldn't just let it drop without a word. "I just don't get it, Erin. I'm trying hard just to keep myself out of an asylum, here, and this doesn't help any. I don't even know what you want from me anymore, but.." Erin shook her head a little, like she was rejecting the mere idea... of what? That he couldn't keep up with her 'talk to me! WAIT! Don't tell me!' changes? "I'm sorry, okay? I don't know what I could've done any different, but it always feels like the second I tell anybody anything, they just--" His voice dropped off abruptly once he spotted Jacob Spenser standing just in the doorway, as though waiting for something. Yukito's expression dropped even more harshly than his sentence had, the suspicion apparent in every movement as he turned back to Erin. She was biting her lip. He'd seen his mother do that, when she had something to tell him she knew he wouldn't like. He hated it now, that movement, he hated the look of guilt on her face. In his panicked thoughts, he started to assume that what she'd done while he laid on the bed waiting for her to come back home had been far more serious than he'd ever imagined it would be. What if she'd told him everything he'd opened up to her about? What if she was trying to get him medicated or sitting in another therapist's office? Before, the thought had never crossed his mind that she could do that. His mind was racing, and his eyes narrowed at the assumed betrayal. Why else would her dad be there? Soon his mind found it impossible to imagine any other good reason.
"You called your father?" he hissed. "Why? So he can try to fix me when you can't?!"
"No!" Erin retorted immediately, but he didn't buy it, still glaring down at her, trying to ignore the pain he felt, the dread of the possibilities. And the anger at her. "I needed my dad, and he came for me," she explained, pointing forcefully to herself. "He came here for me, because I didn't know what to do and I needed him. Be mad at me, not him!" She turned to her father, he wondered if she was giving him some sort of signal by the look that he didn't know. "He was waiting for me to say he could go.. just if I wanted him again... I missed him..." Jacob left, and Yukito kept his eye trained on Erin, his face twisted, stiff and cold. What did she mean by 'needing' him?
“Yukito, I’m so sorry… I’m so sorry, Yuyukun. Please…” Timidly, she reached out to brush his cheek, and he tried not to move, not to let her know that if she kept doing that, he wouldn't be able to stay mad at her for more than a couple of seconds, tops. “I’m sorry, please, please forgive me and let me make it up to you…” She must've known... must have known that lifting her hand to set it on his arm, that asking so blatantly for forgiveness, was all the right ways to get back at him. But he didn't want to just forget about it. He didn't understand... why would it be any different now? The difference was that now he knew for certain he couldn't talk to her about the one other person who had ever come close to being as important to him as she was. He wasn't allowed. He wasn't able to, even if he had the strength to.
“I messed up, Yukito, I’m selfish and I know it and I know it’s not an excuse and I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I am so, so, so sorry. I— I want to try again. Please. I—I know it’s ‘cause you love me, and want to share that with me, and I didn’t get that the first time you tried… I’m sorry. Will you please let me try again? Please? I don't want to fix you... ever... you don't need fixing... I love you. Please... ”
His lips pressed tightly together, "You told him about Natalie." It wasn't even a question, it was a stated fact. He broke, then, his face dropping to bury themselves in his hands, pressing against it hard, trying to hold it all in again, trying to regain some of his former self-control. The world started to spin with his efforts, and he had to lean against the doorjamb with one shoulder, half-hoping her hand would drop so he could breathe normally again, for just a few moments. "Wouldn't it have been enough..." he said slowly, "For you to have run away from me the moment I get this right? Instead you had to go tell someone else about the one thing... the one thing I never told anyone?! I wanted to talk about it, Erin! I wanted to talk about her, for years now! I never told my mother what happened, Kagasan doesn't even know that Natalie existed, and though they grilled the hell out of me, I never told the brain-pickers that probed me for months afterward what had happened. I never told anyone! Do you know what it's like to know someone like that, and to have them die on you!? Do you know what it's like to carry that around with you everywhere, when no one wants to hear about the stupid cutter who managed to off herself instead of face me for another day?!" His breath came with infuriated gasps. The infernal tears had come sometime in the last few exclamations, and he couldn't hold them back any longer. His gestures were sharp and almost painful for him to accomplish. When he was done, he took a step away from her, "I trusted you. With her. I wanted to tell you about her, and you.... you raced off to go tell people about it?" The hurt in his voice was imminent, and he just stared at her, at a complete loss, and feeling even more exposed than he had the day he'd learned how Amane had posted about him and Erin and Natalie on the internet, for the world to see. But this was different. This went deeper. This was Erin.
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
She was trying. Trying so desperately to mend what she had torn. But she was sure no matter what she was trying, it all fell into nothing. It was ruined, because she had been too unforgiving and too stubborn and too insecure about his love for her that now she had closed him out, and he'd never want to try again.... Never, never, but she had to try! She needed to. “I messed up, Yukito, I’m selfish and I know it and I know it’s not an excuse and I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I am so, so, so sorry. I— I want to try again. Please. I—I know it’s ‘cause you love me, and want to share that with me, and I didn’t get that the first time you tried… I’m sorry. Will you please let me try again? Please? I don't want to fix you... ever... you don't need fixing... I love you. Please... ” Her words were fast and quick and sharp and pleading, but it amounted to nothing. He couldn't just accept that from her, what had she done to prove herself? Nothing. Nothing! Why would he even consider her again? He wouldn't, and the thought made tears come to her eyes. The tears that stung and blurred and she hated so, so much!
He gave her a look she'd never seen directed to her before, and it felt terrible. Nothing could be worse at that moment than knowing her love wanted nothing to do with her. No... no, no, no, please, no... "You told him about Natalie."
Erin shook her head a little, trying to keep him from thinking she'd told everything. She hadn't! She'd only tried to do what's right! And now it was all wrong! He wasn't even looking at her now, hiding his face from her, and she was scared to let go of him. Please... please don't make me let go.. please, oh, please.. "Yukito... I'm really sorry..." she tried again, voice straining now.
"Wouldn't it have been enough..." he said slowly, "For you to have run away from me the moment I get this right? Instead you had to go tell someone else about the one thing... the one thing I never told anyone?! I wanted to talk about it, Erin! I wanted to talk about her, for years now! I never told my mother what happened, Kagasan doesn't even know that Natalie existed, and though they grilled the hell out of me, I never told the brain-pickers that probed me for months afterward what had happened. I never told anyone! Do you know what it's like to know someone like that, and to have them die on you!? Do you know what it's like to carry that around with you everywhere, when no one wants to hear about the stupid cutter who managed to off herself instead of face me for another day?!"
"Don't talk about her like that!" Erin cut in, surprised at herself but feeling genuinely defensive for reasons she couldn't put her finger on. Immediately as she objected, Erin felt sure it was a mistake. He'd hate her more, he'd be mad at her more, what stupid freaking right did she have to say such things?! None!! She was nothing now-- she was only hurting more, only ruining more, only killing it more... How could she keep doing this?!
Then he backed away from her.
He backed away.
Her hope that she could beg enough for forgiveness withered with that single motion.
I ruined it. He hates me.
"I trusted you. With her. I wanted to tell you about her, and you.... you raced off to go tell people about it?"
She'd stopped moving, standing, staring, terrified that she'd lost him, fearing his next words to her would be an order to pack her things and leave. He didn't want her anymore. She had hurt him too bad, because she was too jealous of someone who was no longer even there, and she had rejected his silent gift to include her. Erin gave the tiniest shake of her head, purely desperate. "I don't know... I don't know what any of that's like, and I don't know how you feel at all, and I don't understand, and I didn't know what to do, and I was stupid and jealous and cruel, and I know, it, and I am so, so, so much sorrier than I can even say, Yukito!" Now she was crying completely, unabashed, broken. She backed against the wall until her back bumped it, then sank to the ground, crying into her arms. "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I only told him you lost someone you loved and I didn't know what to do, and he does, so I needed him, and I thought I was doing right, I wanted to do right for you, but I didn't, I only did wrong, I just wanted to understand and make it better because I was stupid and messed up but I only did it all wrong! I am s-so so-o-rry!" She sobbed now, ashamed in herself for her stupid attempt to make it better, to apologize after she'd been too awful. Despite her certainty that he'd never want to talk to her again, that she'd broken his trust completely and it couldn't be rebuilt, Erin gave one more desperate plea. "Please..." she whispered through the waves of tears. "Please forgive me..."
~~~~~
OOC: Sorry, Yukito uses language here - I can't imagine him trying to hold back on his dirty mouth when he's this angry - but I am going to asterisk it all, if that helps. BIC:
Yukito Maki
He had to hide his face from her, unable to look her in the eyes because he was sure he would do something to hurt her worse than any words could do. The exposure and vulnerability that flared up in his already fractured nervous system sent his heart racing, and he leaned against the doorjamb to steady himself.
"Wouldn't it have been enough..." he said slowly, "For you to have run away from me the moment I get this right? Instead you had to go tell someone else about the one thing... the one thing I never told anyone?! I wanted to talk about it, Erin! I wanted to talk about her, for years now! I never told my mother what happened, Kagasan doesn't even know that Natalie existed, and though they grilled the hell out of me, I never told the brain-pickers that probed me for months afterward what had happened. I never told anyone! Do you know what it's like to know someone like that, and to have them die on you!? Do you know what it's like to carry that around with you everywhere, when no one wants to hear about the stupid cutter who managed to off herself instead of face me for another day?!"
"Don't talk about her like that!" she cried out, as though no one had ever thought exactly that about Natalie. As if no one ever knew her just as a name in an obituary, as a shallow memory of someone they'd passed in the street. Natalie had been stronger than he had ever been. She hadn't just put up a false smile like Kagasan did, or hide in herself like Yukito did.She had let go of her fear, almost entirely, knowing how dangerous that one bit of darkness in her head could mean. A bad habit didn't cover it. She had told him, once, how it had felt to be released, how it had empowered her to know that everything she couldn't control could be wrapped up in one act and then practically forgotten.
Who was Erin to tell him not to talk about her like that? Five minutes earlier she'd been wishing he'd never spoken about her at all. He stepped away from her, a heat still boiling beneath his skin. Slowly, he raised his eyes and looked at her. "I trusted you. With her. I wanted to tell you about her, and you.... you raced off to go tell people about it?"
Erin seemed suspended, her eyes wide and hurting from his words. He knew he could hurt her so much worse than this. So much worse. He was good at hurting people. With his silence, with his coldness, with the weight he carried around in his mind, threatening to explode at any second, and with his hands. Both of his hands, still trembling with fury, and now clenched at his sides. Slowly, she shook her head, and his whole body quivered as he struggled to control himself. He wanted to shake her back and forth, then force her head still so it couldn't shake like that anymore. To him, it looked like a shake that said she was giving up on him, that she could never understand and was admitting it now. That she didn't want to understand anymore, or to see him as he really was.
"I don't know... I don't know what any of that's like, and I don't know how you feel at all, and I don't understand, and I didn't know what to do, and I was stupid and jealous and cruel, and I know, it, and I am so, so, so much sorrier than I can even say, Yukito!" Her words were painful. She didn't get it. She wouldn't get it. His lips pursed tightly together as he braced himself. Sorry didn't take what she'd done away. 'I don't know, I'm sorry,' is what people said right before they walked out on you. When they decided they just couldn't deal with all of you and wanted out, wanted an escape. Now she was crying, probably knowing it would weaken him. She sank to the floor, crying into her arms, as he stood watching her.
"Erin," he said her name with all his defenses up, unable to tear them down and even ask her to please, just stop crying in front of him. He wasn't sure what he'd do if she kept sobbing like that on the carpet. The cheap, awful, stained carpet he had paid for to share with her.
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I only told him you lost someone you loved and I didn't know what to do, and he does, so I needed him, and I thought I was doing right, I wanted to do right for you, but I didn't, I only did wrong, I just wanted to understand and make it better because I was stupid and messed up but I only did it all wrong! I am s-so so-o-rry! Please..." she whispered through the waves of tears. "Please forgive me..."
"I know you're f****in' sorry, Erin!" he bellowed, his voice echoing off the walls, "I know because I'm sorry for everything I've done to you!" The words not letting out any of the steam, just accumulating on it, he slammed his fist onto the wall, grimacing at the pain and leaving his hand there, staring down at the floor. Up until now, he'd been the one groveling for her forgiveness. Now that the tables were turned, he didn't know how to handle it. "I've already forgiven you, since the moment you walked out of the house. But I'm p****ed, Erin. I'm scared and I'm p****ed. So just let me feel that way for a minute!" For a moment, the anger abated, letting another round of tears fall down his face. His forehead pressed against the wall beside his stinging knuckles. For just a moment, his whole mind went blank and he forgot about everything that was going on around him. Then, his pace quickened, his blood pumping as he wondered if he could ever trust her with something like this again. Imagining her telling her father about all the things Yukito had wanted to keep between just them. Natalie, Yumi.... his father.
Everything with his father.
Yukito slammed his fist harder in the wall, swearing loudly, the same four or five words over and over again, like some sort of chant. "I don't know what to do..." he cried, his voice crackling. "I don't know what I'm supposed to think...S***. I don't know what to do.." He wanted to sink to the floor, but he couldn't. He didn't have the strength in his knees to support him, but he couldn't make himself look straight across at Erin. It had to be at angles, sideways glances, his lips working furiously, biting and unbiting his bottom lip, wishing it would bleed and distract him. "You said you could handle it, Erin..." he murmured weakly, "Why didn't you just say you couldn't handle it? If you'd said no I wouldn't have told you."
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry, I only told him you lost someone you loved and I didn't know what to do, and he does, so I needed him, and I thought I was doing right, I wanted to do right for you, but I didn't, I only did wrong, I just wanted to understand and make it better because I was stupid and messed up but I only did it all wrong! I am s-so so-o-rry! Please..." she begged weakly, terrified he would never accept her back completely now. If at all... Why should he? He wants me to leave... oh, god, I'll die if he wants me to leave... "Please forgive me..."
"I know you're f****in' sorry, Erin!" Yukito bellowed, sounding louder in the scarcely-filled apartment, making Erin flinch in spite of herself. She wasn't used at all to other people yelling at her, much less Yukito and much less this severe. Her muscles tightened defensively, head throbbing. It was pretty sad when you got used to the severe pain to expect it now. But it didn't even matter compared to knowing how much she must have hurt him... how much her stupid words and actions had done... It hurt so much... "I know because I'm sorry for everything I've done to you!" She kept buried in herself, scared to see the anger and hurt in him. Completely ashamed of herself now. Even trying to remedy it with her dad had backfired, and how he hated her even more! Nothing she could do would ever make it right... never, never! "I've already forgiven you, since the moment you walked out of the house. But I'm p****ed, Erin. I'm scared and I'm p****ed. So just let me feel that way for a minute!" Now Erin didn't even bother to try to understand what he meant. She just cried, ashamed and disgusted with herself. With all her stupid, spoiled, selfish, elementary thoughts and fears and compulsions. With her stupid persistence to never think things through, to never care about the consequences until it was too late. Oh, god, it's too late... it's too late... "I'm sorry-y-y..."
She literally jumped at the heavy thud that punctuated her words, shutting her eyes so tight it hurt and burying her head in her arms a-la tornado drill. Her memory wouldn't let go of the image of Yukito a Cassie's birthday, and she knew this time she was the cause of his anger and pain. It wasn't that Erin could imagine him doing anything to her, but she couldn't help but shirk away; it scared her. It just scared her.
He was repeating the same thing over and over, but had to do it a few times before Erin caught it. She was too busy flinching, bunched up tight and crying over her stupid, stupid, stupid folly. "I don't know what I'm supposed to think...S***. I don't know what to do.." Love me, forgive me, hold me, and let me try again! Please don't send me away! Please!
"You said you could handle it, Erin..." he murmured weakly. "Why didn't you just say you couldn't handle it? If you'd said no I wouldn't have told you."
Erin still remained borrowed in her cocoon, her response distorted and muffled but still there. "I thought I could!" she cried, just as weak sounding. "I thought I could, but I was stupid and jealous and, and, in-con-sider-ate--" She inhaled sharply, attempting to regulate her crying enough to speak. "I want to, though, I really do... I know it's important, and I know you wanted me to be a part of that, and I am so sorry I did that to you... please... please..." She lifted her head just slightly, so that one part of one eye could see out of herself to try to find Yukito, but her tears burned too much to see him. "Please don't make me leave... Please don't send me away from you!" Suddenly Erin lept from her low seat and ran to his form in a tear-soaked, desperate hug. "Please don't tell me to leave... please let me try again and be better... I didn't understand, but I want to, and I want to be better for you, please... please don't make me leave!"
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
"I've already forgiven you, since the moment you walked out of the house. But I'm p****ed, Erin. I'm scared and I'm p****ed. So just let me feel that way for a minute!" he demanded fiercely, taking a moment to try to simmer himself down. It worked - for a moment.
"I'm sorry-y-y..." The anger rose up in him, the need to hit something, anything. His instincts were screaming to run, attack and run as fast as he could. The apartment felt very small and crowded, even if moments ago his words had echoed so easily. Once, he'd heard it called 'fight or flight' instinct. As much as he'd pretended to ignore the person telling him that, he had to admit it made sense. Fight or flight. Run away or die trying to survive. But here, with Erin, he couldn't do either. He felt leashed to the floor, forced to own up to his own, with no escape and no chance to run. Now the fight instinct was starting to take over. Slamming his fist into the wall was all Yukito could find to do. He started cursing profusely under his breath, repetitive and useless. "I don't know what I'm supposed to think...S***. I don't know what to do.."
No response from Erin. Nothing at all. Nothing but a little sniff as he heard her still crying. His voice lowered, as though he'd been wounded and weakened by his attack to the wall. "You said you could handle it, Erin..." he murmured, "Why didn't you just say you couldn't handle it? If you'd said no I wouldn't have told you."
He raised his head a little to watch her, curled up as though trying to create a defense against the world. No, against him. "I thought I could!" she cried, just as weak sounding as he was. "I thought I could, but I was stupid and jealous and, and, in-con-sider-ate--I want to, though, I really do... I know it's important, and I know you wanted me to be a part of that, and I am so sorry I did that to you... please... please..." She lifted her head just slightly. "Please don't make me leave... Please don't send me away from you!"
Yukito's shoulders dropped. "Erin.." he said with resignation. He was about to reassure her that it was the last thing from his mind, sending her away. But she attacked him, first, in a hug from below, her arms slipping around him, begging for comfort. He wanted to return it as adamantly as she was giving it. But all he could do after that initial tension in his gut released was to go limp into her hold, his head dropping to rest wearily against hers. He was worn out, as though he had ran a thousand miles today, instead of just done his work at Seeing Red, dealt with Amane, and come home to deal with what Natalie now had become for them. "Please don't tell me to leave... please let me try again and be better... I didn't understand, but I want to, and I want to be better for you, please... please don't make me leave!"
"I won't, Erin. Don't be stupid..." he said softly, his voice gentle as his arms slowly went up to receive her. He wasn't sure if he could trust himself to touch her yet. "I'd go crazy if you left, and you know that. I've told you a million times..." He let out a sigh. "And I'd have to kill myself if I couldn't forgive you. Not after everything I've done to you and you forgiving me." He frowned deeper, feeling winded and the pain in his knuckles burning. "I just hate feeling.. I don't know. Exposed. And I wanted to be better, you know? I wanted to be better at talking to you. But then you ran off and told your dad...and... " He paused, hissed a little, then commented in a dry tone. "I think I hurt my hand." He held up one of his hands to inspect the knuckles, seeing it raw and trembling. Some blood slipped out through the tops of the knuckles, and he let out another sigh. "I need to stop doing that. I'm going to ruin my hands and not be able to play." It was already going to sting for ages each time he brought out his guitar to practice, and somehow that just didn't seem fair to him. One moment demanded payback for the next few weeks. But that was just life, wasn't it?
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"Please don't tell me to leave... please let me try again and be better..." she cried, repeating her plea as she hugged him desperately. "I didn't understand, but I want to, and I want to be better for you, please... please don't make me leave!"
To her great relief, Yukito's arms encircled her. He couldn't want her to leave too bad, then, and there was still hope. "I won't, Erin. Don't be stupid..." She only cried quietly, thinking, But that's hard to do when I keep screwing up like this... You tell me otherwise and I want to believe it but sometimes I really don't see it! "I'd go crazy if you left, and you know that. I've told you a million times..."
"But I'm so awful to you..." she muttered, not wanting to let go. He sighed.
"And I'd have to kill myself if I couldn't forgive you. Not after everything I've done to you and you forgiving me."
"Don't talk like that," Erin replied weakly into his shirt.
"I just hate feeling.. I don't know. Exposed. And I wanted to be better, you know? I wanted to be better at talking to you. But then you ran off and told your dad...and... "
"I didn't do it to hurt you," she repeated, her tone still pleading. "I really didn't... I thought it would make it better, help me so I wouldn't feel so stupid and jealous and left out anymore... but it just made it worse, and I'm sorry... I really do want to try again.. I really do want you to talk with me, about everything, and about Natalie, too... will you let me try again? Please?"
Yukito made a noise, making Erin shift position and give him a quizzical look. "What?"
"I think I hurt my hand." He was looking now at the hand he'd tried to knock out the wall with, the memory still unnerving her some. It looked pretty bad, too. A glance at the wall, and she looked back at Yukito, trying for a vein of humor: "I think you hurt the wall, too." She offered a hopeful smile and gently reached for his hand. "I need to stop doing that. I'm going to ruin my hands and not be able to play."
"Nooo," Erin drawled out. "Don't do that... we need you... I love watching you play," she added with another smile, pulling gently toward the bathroom. "Wash it off," she said quietly, referring to his hand. "Do we have any bandaids, Yukito?" Erin asked absently, peeking in various places where they might be kept. "Or at least put ice on it or something... isn't that what you do for stuff like that?" She didn't really want to think about how to fix the wall just now. After a pause, she touched his shoulder and added, "And Yukito? I really do want to try again. I really do... if you want." If you'll let me.
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
"I won't, Erin. Don't be stupid... I'd go crazy if you left, and you know that. I've told you a million times..."
"But I'm so awful to you..."she muttered, not wanting to let go. He sighed.
“No, you're not. Trust me. You've put up with a lot of stuff on my part, and it wouldn't be fair if I didn't let you give me anything back.” He tried to meet her eyes but failed at is as she continued burying her face in him, somber written in the deepening lines of his face while he held her. "And I'd have to kill myself if I couldn't forgive you. Not after everything I've done to you and you forgiving me."
"Don't talk like that,"Erin replied weakly into his shirt.
Her words actually made him chuckle a little bit, “Why not? You're doing it, too.” He continued to hold her, swaying a little as they stood there, letting the reparation seep into a reality and no longer just a hope. "I just hate feeling.. I don't know. Exposed. And I wanted to be better, you know? I wanted to be better at talking to you. But then you ran off and told your dad...and... "
"I didn't do it to hurt you,"she repeated, her tone still pleading. He didn't trust himself to speak, just watching her, ready for an explanation. "I really didn't... I thought it would make it better, help me so I wouldn't feel so stupid and jealous and left out anymore... but it just made it worse, and I'm sorry... I really do want to try again.. I really do want you to talk with me, about everything, and about Natalie, too... will you let me try again? Please?"
Instead of responding, Yukito let out a little hiss from the pain shooting through his hand. Erin shifted her position, worry quickly coming to her face – he wondered why she was so quick to worry about him, and why she was so quick to jump to the worst. Probably from past experience with him. “It's alright, it just stings a little,” he murmured.
"What?"
"I think I hurt my hand." he explained, holding it up. Yukito searched her face as she looked at his hand, then the wall, then back to him.
"I think you hurt the wall, too." He frowned at the crackled drywall.
“I'm sorry....” His frown deepened – he had no idea how much that was going to cost, but he knew it couldn't be missed. It was right in plain view. "I need to stop doing that. I'm going to ruin my hands and not be able to play."
"Nooo,"Erin drawled out. "Don't do that... we need you... I love watching you play."
That made him smile at last, as she tugged him toward the bathroom. There weren't words for the relief he felt, knowing they were capable of going back to what it had been before this afternoon had started.
“And why is that, I wonder?” he teased, fishing for one of her bubbly compliments.
"Wash it off,"she said quietly, referring to his hand. He tried not to wince as the water hit against the open wounds, burning as the blood pooled in the bottom of the sink, taking its sweet time in going down. "Do we have any bandaids, Yukito?"He looked up, trying to think of where the first-aid kit would be.
“Eh... is there any in that cupboard in the kitchen over the sink? I don't know if it would help, though.” He held up his hand, inspecting the knuckles. “It's kind of an awkward cut to wrap...”
"Or at least put ice on it or something... isn't that what you do for stuff like that?"
“Once it stops bleeding I can just leave it alone,” he smiled a little, though there wasn't any joy behind it from his statement. Just at being there with her, talking casually. It had always been strange to talk casually with anyone, the awkwardness and silences feeling unbearable to him, though he never knew how to fix it. Erin took that in stride, and seemed to ignore any awkwardness, blazing right on past and trying her best not to look back. “It'll be a pain once it scabs over, but I heal pretty fast.” He lowered his hands back to rinse away the fresh blood that appeared there.
After a pause, she touched his shoulder and added, "And Yukito?”
“Hmm?”
“I really do want to try again. I really do... if you want."He turned the water off and faced her, his left hand lingering on the faucet. There was a lot to that statement, and now he wasn't sure if Erin knew all that it held. Sure, she didn't know everything, but he had been riding on the hope that she had at least figured out most of it and come to terms with it. That was why he had taken the risk of talking to her. He trusted that she was ready to go past that. Slowly, calculating, he searched for a towel, his face lowered and subconsciously hiding from her so he could think clearly. The towel stung, too, and he was gentle with it until he grew impatient. Reaching over for some toilet paper, he pressed a folded section tightly against his knuckles, ready for the bleeding to stop getting all over the place. His lips twitched from the stinging. He turned to face her again, not sure what he had decided but ready to say something to her anyway.
“I wanted to tell you about Natalie for a long time now. But I didn't know if I could. I should have kept in mind your feelings about her, too. That was my fault.” He leaned against the bathroom counter, still clutching his right hand in his left. The next words were carefully spoken, and they'd been thought over very quickly, but felt right either way. Even if he hated to say it out loud. “What did your dad say? About what we should do? He's the therapist, right? So I guess it makes sense that he'd know what to do...” He couldn't help it, he automatically stiffened inside at the prospect of wanting – even asking – for Jacob's advice. His voice dropped to a level too serious for either of them to be prepared for it, a touch of bitterness in the words. “Does he... think I should go see a shrink or something? Because if he really thinks that..." That dumb lump rose in his throat, as though he'd shoved a block down it. He became subdued, meeting her eyes even if instinct told him to move away. "Because if you asked me to, I will. And I mean that."
~~~~~
b]Erin Spenser[/b]
"Do we have any bandaids, Yukito?"
Yukito glanced around absently. “Eh... is there any in that cupboard in the kitchen over the sink? I don't know if it would help, though.” Erin shrugged, not knowing, as Yukito peered at his roughed up hand. “It's kind of an awkward cut to wrap...”
"Oh... right," she said, feeling rather ridiculous for having suggested it in the first place. "Or at least put ice on it or something... isn't that what you do for stuff like that?"
“Once it stops bleeding I can just leave it alone.” Erin made a little face at that, as he smiled a bit. "Exposed wounds.. pretty sure that's not the greatest thing for you," she commented, half-teasing. “It'll be a pain once it scabs over, but I heal pretty fast.”
Yukito re-rinsed his hand and Erin snickered a little. "Scabs, I'm totally looking forward to that." She glanced at him with a playful smile.
After a pause, she touched his shoulder and, feeling more somber now, added, "And Yukito?”
“Hmm?”
“I really do want to try again. I really do... if you want." I can do better. Really... let me just show you... I want you to share that with me...
Yukito paused, water off and hand still holding the faucet. He still didn't answer as he dried his hand, making Erin feel nervous that she still hadn't earned theprivilege back to see inside that spot of his.She waited, eyes glued to him as he nursed himself in his own way, taking his own time to think, to answer her weighty question.
“I wanted to tell you about Natalie for a long time now. But I didn't know if I could. I should have kept in mind your feelings about her, too. That was my fault.” The fact that he didn't feel it was all her doing anymore gave a much needed sense of relief, and Erin could relax a little. He leaned against the bathroom counter, still clutching his right hand in his left. How hard did you have to smashsomething to do that, anyway? And she was the cause of it all, too. "It's all right," she replied quietly. As in, It will be all right. We're on the same page again. So it will be all right.
“What did your dad say? About what we should do? He's the therapist, right? So I guess it makes sense that he'd know what to do...”
Erin was quiet for a moment. She couldn't tell, and so she couldn't be sure, but she got the sense that the comment was a littlecondescending . She could get that Yukito wasn't a fan of those with the ability to see into him easier than most, to understand him more than he wanted. But it was stillher father. She didn't want that kind of preconcieved animosity toward her dad. He was different. And she missed him. Quietly, she agreed neutrally, "Yeah."
“Does he... think I should go see a shrink or something? Because if he really thinks that..." Erin openly frowned at what he said. One, he thought he had earned a card for professional help, when he was just being human. And two, that he'd called them 'shrinks'. It was a little derogatory, and initially she wanted to correct him on it, but then decided against it. Now wasn't the time, and it wasn't that important, relatively speaking. Pick your battles, she thought. Erin started to shake her head in protest as Yukito continued, "Because if you asked me to, I will. And I mean that."
Her expression softened again, and she shook her head, coming to stand close to him with her arm around him. "No, no, he didn't say that at all, Yukito. About Natalie? All that's what's supposed to happen... you aren't doing bad..." Gently she leaned her head on him, her open palm lightly resting on his chest. "He said you were showing you loved me by letting me in to something that hurts you, and that we need to both be considerate more about it... Like, I can't be so jealous and worried I'm not measuring up to her, and I don't need to compare myself, because you love me for me, and not for, like... memories... And that sometimes you'll need to talk about her, and remember her, and that's important, and I need to let you have those times, because that makes it better. And he said that you.." Erin slowed, feeling guilty for delivering what sounded like an order from her father to Yukito. "You need to think about how I feel, too, so I don't feel overshadowed... or whatever." It was a poor paraphrase, but she was only trying to answer his question.. Erin drew closer, feeling the cloth of his shirt on her cheek. A smile started on her face. "I love our deep conversations in the bathroom..." she said, giggling just a little.
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
“Once it stops bleeding I can just leave it alone.” he said, trying to lessen the impact of slamming his fist into the wall and the aftermath that came with it.
Erin made a little face at that, as he smiled a bit. "Exposed wounds.. pretty sure that's not the greatest thing for you," she commented, half-teasing. He looked up at her wondrously.
"Maybe. Maybe not. It's becoming a common thing for me around you, though." He could have smacked himself for such a stupid comment, and turned back to the rinsing of his bleeding knuckles, evening out his breathing in the hopes that it would keep him from looking as idiotic as he felt. “It'll be a pain once it scabs over, but I heal pretty fast.”
She just snickered, making him feel as if she was enjoying this a little. "Scabs, I'm totally looking forward to that." She glanced at him with a playful smile. He just rolled his eyes, a flicker of amusement traced across his own lips. While he was turned away from her, she moved a little closer and dropped her hand to his shoulder. "And Yukito?”
“Hmm?” He looked up at her and saw the seriousness in her eyes.
“I really do want to try again. I really do... if you want."
Yukito paused, water off and hand still holding the faucet. There wasn't any easy, immediate response to that. He had to think about it, while her eyes were on him. Knowing his way, of mulling over an answer in his head before speaking it, she stayed silent, waiting. Patiently. With the toilet paper pressed hard against his hand he turned to face her. “I wanted to tell you about Natalie for a long time now. But I didn't know if I could. I should have kept in mind your feelings about her, too. That was my fault.” He moved against the counter, and she stayed close. She didn't wander off, like he expected her toin her constant movement. They were both learning when was the right moment to stay, when it was the right time to be still and silent for the other.
"It's all right," she replied quietly. Probably blaming herself for too much of it, as usual. But he couldn't really say much against that without being a hypocrite himself. They had to meet somewhere halfway. What he was afraid of most was finding out for a fact that he couldn't - or worse, hadn't -met her where she needed to be, that his own fears and past would keep driving them apart despite all the trying and learning and working things out. His voice went quiet and low, his line of sight moving quickly from her.
“What did your dad say? About what we should do? He's the therapist, right? So I guess it makes sense that he'd know what to do...”
She didn't answer at first, then murmured a very subdued, "Yeah." It wasn't an agreeance he had been hoping for. But she had gone to her father for help - something he couldn't imagine doing with his own father - and she had said she needed him. She had wanted his advice, his help in dealing with Yukito. How could he deny her that? It still hurt, it still left him feeling exposed and left emptied by the things he had given her. He still was afraid. Angry and afraid.
“Does he... think I should go see a shrink or something? Because if he really thinks that..." Yukito looked up to see the frown on her face. It was hard for him to read the meaning there. It could either be because she had been thinking the same thing and was shocked he had guessed it, or - the more believable reason for Erin - she was insulted at him even thinking that. But he finished what he had started to say, looking up to meet her eyes, feeling as though he was condeming himself for her sake, for their sake."Because if you asked me to, I will. And I mean that."
He was relieved to see the calm written on her face as she started to shake her head. "No, no, he didn't say that at all, Yukito. About Natalie? All that's what's supposed to happen... you aren't doing bad..." I always feel like I am, though. And if it was what was supposed to happen, why did you end up running away from me as though I had betrayed you again? Her head slowly lowered to rest against his chest. instantaneously, he felt the warmth of her washing through him, and his arms reached up to anchor her there, meeting again behind her back to hold the makeshift bandage there.
"Tell me what he said..." he pleaded, his voice barely above a whisper.
"He said you were showing you loved me by letting me in to something that hurts you, and that we need to both be considerate more about it... Like, I can't be so jealous and worried I'm not measuring up to her, and I don't need to compare myself, because you love me for me, and not for, like... memories... And that sometimes you'll need to talk about her, and remember her, and that's important, and I need to let you have those times, because that makes it better. And he said that you.." Erin slowed, hesitant to tell him what her father had said about him. The paranoia in him started to flare. "You need to think about how I feel, too, so I don't feel overshadowed... or whatever."
She tried to soften what she said. Somehow, he took that as a good sign. If it had been something more difficult, then she wouldn't have felt what she had told him just now needed to be softened. If it wasn't the truth, she wouldn't have needed to try and make it look differently. At least not in his mind. He mentally chewed on her words for a minute, holding her. Yes, he wanted to talk about her, to remember her, to share her with Erin. Because he wanted Erin in him with everything, completely. That was the ultimate goal in his mind for them. It was a constant battle, uphill, with obstacles flying at them from above all the time. And eternally that gravitational pull that made them want to just give up and walk away. "I don't want you to feel like you don't measure up." he finally said, laying his cheek against her hair. The scent of her shampoo still lingered. Too often he was tempted to just give in and use the same stuff as her, so they could smell the same. But it wouldn't be the same, because it wasn't. Simple as that. "You're everything," he breathed, not truly realizing he'd managed to say it aloud.
"I love our deep conversations in the bathroom..."
He smiled a little. "Yeah, we tend to pick some weird places to chat, don't we?" Both eyebrows flashed up and back down again quickly, and in a dark voice he told her, "I like it when we talk on the bed better. How's that for 'sounding so wrong to an outsider?"
They found that funny, together. But he sobered up pretty quickly when her previous words came back. He eased himself into talking about Natalie again, lying to himself that he wasn't actually talking about Natalie, but Erin. Because he wanted to tell her how he felt about her, too. But his words always fell drastically short of the mark. "Erin.. I'm sorry you felt that way. I want you to know who I was then, and Natalie was a big part of that. But you aren't the same person..." he chuckled, "You are definitely not the same. Natalie boasted about things, and you don't do that. And she may have been a brilliant artist, but..." A smirk crossed his face, devilish, "She couldn't stay on key to save her life. Drove me crazy. It's much better hearing you belting around in the kitchen, baking something or other that makes the house smell nice...." He started to sway them both a little, adding, "Did you know you even hum in your sleep? You don't do it often, but sometimes I'm still up and you're sleeping next to me and I hear you humming something... like you're dreaming yourself at a concert or whatever." His face beamed at the memory. He'd sat next to her a little too long, practically holding his breath, hoping she would start up the tune again so he could recognize it. But as if she knew he was listening and would use it against her (playfully, of course) she would stop, and stay silent and still again, the only sound from her that light breathing that was barely noticable.
"The biggest difference is," he admitted, "I love you. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love me, even if I screw this up a million times. Natalie couldn't say things like, 'I'll always love you,' or 'I can see us living together far in the future,' or anything like that. She wasn't with me for the long term. And maybe she planned on that. Maybe I was just the excuse to stick around a little while longer. But it's not the same with you, Erin. I want to make this work. I want to keep loving you, even if I do everything wrong, and don't get the signals, am an idiot..."he arched an eyebrow, "Or if I happen to have a stalker and an ex-girlfriend after me." Suddenly, he pulled her closer, hugging her tightly and frantically whispering, "You gotta save me from them!"
~~~~~
Erin Spenser
"Exposed wounds.. pretty sure that's not the greatest thing for you," she commented, half-teasing.
"Maybe. Maybe not," Yukito mused. "It's becoming a common thing for me around you, though." Erin's face fell a little as she watched him, sorry she had to ask. "Are you joking?"
“It'll be a pain once it scabs over, but I heal pretty fast.”
She just snickered. "Scabs, I'm totally looking forward to that." She glanced at him with a playful smile, making Yukito roll his eyes. More somber as she moved closer to him, Erin laid her head against him. "And Yukito?”
“Hmm?”
“I really do want to try again. I really do... if you want."
Yukito paused, water off and hand still holding the faucet. Finally he spoke. “I wanted to tell you about Natalie for a long time now. But I didn't know if I could. I should have kept in mind your feelings about her, too. That was my fault.” He moved against the counter, and she followed close, keeping her arm around him, her hand on him gently. "It's all right."
“What did your dad say? About what we should do? He's the therapist, right? So I guess it makes sense that he'd know what to do...”
Erin didn't respond well to the tone, only quietly agreeing, "Yeah."
“Does he... think I should go see a shrink or something? Because if he really thinks that..." Erin frowned at his words, but declined from speaking on it. Now wasn't the time at all."Because if you asked me to, I will. And I mean that."
Immediately she shook her head at the prospect. "No, no, he didn't say that at all, Yukito. About Natalie? All that's what's supposed to happen... you aren't doing bad..." She dropped to let her head rest on his chest, feeling his arms close around her.
"Tell me what he said..."
"He said you were showing you loved me by letting me in to something that hurts you, and that we need to both be considerate more about it... Like, I can't be so jealous and worried I'm not measuring up to her, and I don't need to compare myself, because you love me for me, and not for, like... memories... And that sometimes you'll need to talk about her, and remember her, and that's important, and I need to let you have those times, because that makes it better. And he said that you.. You need to think about how I feel, too, so I don't feel overshadowed... or whatever." The ending was weak, she knew, but she hated the idea of reporting orders from her father to him or something like that, since that wasn't what it was in the first place.
Yukito was silent for a good while, just holding her. She breathed in the familiarity. The familiarity of his breathing. Of the scent carried in his clothes. Of the silence when she knew he was thinking deeply, patiently. Going into thatzone of his. She almost never was like that, and if she was, it was when she was making music. Or listening to music that reached her particularly different, and that was rare. But she always imaginedhis level was a different one; he could slip into it so easily. And she had slowly learned how to wait for that. "I don't want you to feel like you don't measure up," he finally said, laying his cheek against her hair. These silent gestures, her head against his chest, his arms holding her, his resting against her, they were all silent communicators that shouted love, and trust, and treasure. More than just words, and she felt like eachmotion was a little blessing, a little promise for the both of them. "You're everything," he breathed, making Erin's breath catch, a blissfull smile crossing her face as she closed her eyes, still keeping just as close to him. How could she ever have thought she came in second? People who came in second weren't people's everythings... He'd called her his everything...!
For a moment she said nothing, enjoying the moment and letting the promise in his words sink in. Then finally, she spoke, grinning, "I love our deep conversations in the bathroom..."
"Yeah, we tend to pick some weird places to chat, don't we?" Erin glanced up at him and giggled. His voice lowered, Erin beaming all the while. "I like it when we talk on the bed better. How's that for 'sounding so wrong to an outsider?" Immediately, her giggles bubbled over, as she held herself to him and laughed.
"Erin.." Yukito started, more somber now. She looked up at him, her amusement fading and her eyes locked onto his. "I'm sorry you felt that way. I want you to know who I was then, and Natalie was a big part of that. But you aren't the same person..." He chuckled, "You are definitely not the same. Natalie boasted about things, and you don't do that. And she may have been a brilliant artist, but..." He smirked, as if revealing a secret. "She couldn't stay on key to save her life. Drove me crazy. It's much better hearing you belting around in the kitchen, baking something or other that makes the house smell nice...." Erin smiled softly as he started to sway them both a little, adding, "Did you know you even hum in your sleep?"
"I don't!" Erin protested lightly, eyes widening a little at the weird trait. Already she was laughing at the weird image in her head of her sleep-singing.
"You don't do it often, but sometimes I'm still up and you're sleeping next to me and I hear you humming something... like you're dreaming yourself at a concert or whatever."
She grinned. Erin rarely remembered her dreams, and when she did, they usually weren't stories or series o events, more like senses and sounds and colors, so Yukito could very well be right and she wouldn't really know. "Maybe, maybe not," she replied with a coy expression.
"The biggest difference is," Yukito said, going back to his previous words, "I love you. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love me, even if I screw this up a million times." Erin nodded as he continued, "Natalie couldn't say things like, 'I'll always love you,' or 'I can see us living together far in the future,' or anything like that. She wasn't with me for the long term. And maybe she planned on that. Maybe I was just the excuse to stick around a little while longer." That's so sad... I would never want to leave you like that.. "But it's not the same with you, Erin. I want to make this work. I want to keep loving you, even if I do everything wrong, and don't get the signals, am an idiot..." Erin just smiled, knowing plenty of those things applied to her, too. "Or if I happen to have a stalker and an ex-girlfriend after me." Suddenly, he pulled her closer, hugging her tightly and frantically whispering words Erin couldn't understand. She hugged him tightly back despite her not understanding, but assuming he was upset still about Amane and all. And with that, she could empathize a little.
"I love you, kareshi," she told him softly, raising her eyes to look at him, wanting to console him and make it better. A small smile appeared on her lips. "Kisu shite?" It didn't feel like they'd made up properly... not if they hadn't made their promise of a kiss, a biggerpromise than just a hold. It was silly, and childish she was sure, but somehow she felt Yukito would understand.
~~~~~
Yukito Maki
"Exposed wounds.. pretty sure that's not the greatest thing for you," she commented, half-teasing. He could hear the humor in her voice, and the flippant tone it was said it. His next words came out before he could stop them.
"Maybe. Maybe not," Yukito mused. "It's becoming a common thing for me around you, though." Feeling that familiar shock of exposure and stupidity again, he turned from her.
"Are you joking?"
There was a break where he didn't speak. Then, slowly, he told her, "No. But you know what? I think it's a good thing. For both of us." Without giving her time to respond, he switched the conversation back to the cut, and scabs seemed to amuse her.
Yukito was silent for a good while, just holding her. He could feel how relaxed she was against him, how warm she was with her arms wrapped around him. "I don't want you to feel like you don't measure up," he finally said, laying his cheek against her hair.Then, more quietly, more of a breath than an actual statement, he added, "You're everything," Again, he cursed his knack for having the cheesiest lines for her. She was probably stifling laughter.
Then finally, she spoke, and he could definitely hear amusement in her voice. "I love our deep conversations in the bathroom..."
"Yeah, we tend to pick some weird places to chat, don't we?" Erin glanced up at him and giggled. His voice lowered, Erin beaming all the while. "I like it when we talk on the bed better. How's that for 'sounding so wrong to an outsider?" Immediately, her giggles bubbled over, as she held herself to him and laughed.
"Erin.." Yukito started, shifting them into a more serious key yet again. "I'm sorry you felt that way. I want you to know who I was then, and Natalie was a big part of that. But you aren't the same person..." He chuckled, "You are definitely not the same. Natalie boasted about things, and you don't do that. And she may have been a brilliant artist, but..." He smirked, "She couldn't stay on key to save her life. Drove me crazy. It's much better hearing you belting around in the kitchen, baking something or other that makes the house smell nice....Did you know you even hum in your sleep?"
"I don't!" Erin protested lightly, eyes widening a little at the mere idea. He wished he had recorded it as proof, but it had been so fleeting a moment, he hadn't had a chance. Yet.
"You don't do it often, but sometimes I'm still up and you're sleeping next to me and I hear you humming something... like you're dreaming yourself at a concert or whatever."
She grinned, and he thought he caught a mischievous glint to it. "Maybe, maybe not," she replied with a coy expression.
"The biggest difference is," Yukito said, "I love you. And I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you love me, even if I screw this up a million times. Natalie couldn't say things like, 'I'll always love you,' or 'I can see us living together far in the future,' or anything like that. She wasn't with me for the long term. And maybe she planned on that. Maybe I was just the excuse to stick around a little while longer. But it's not the same with you, Erin. I want to make this work. I want to keep loving you, even if I do everything wrong, and don't get the signals, am an idiot... Or if I happen to have a stalker and an ex-girlfriend after me."
Suddenly, he pulled her closer, hugging her tightly and frantically whispering in Japanese to her, "You gotta save me from them!" She hugged him back as he chuckled a little. "Save me from them..."
"I love you, kareshi," she told him softly, raising her eyes to look at him. Her brown eyes told him she wanted things to be better now. Always different, but better. It seemed like as soon as they were ready to be calm and comfortable with things one way, things totally uprooted them and sent them sprawling again. "I love you, too, sunshine."
A small smile appeared on her lips. "Kisu shite?" She said it in such a tone that instantly he laughed, pulling her roughly against him.
"Of course," he growled, his lips meeting hers as he made her weight shift towards him, the counter pressing into him painfully. "Does this mean it's okay now?" he asked, teasingly when he had to pull away to breathe, "Because I hear that the make-up part is the best."
~~~~~
To be cont'd
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Post by Elda Forever on Feb 3, 2010 22:37:33 GMT -5
Erin SpenserSuddenly, Yukito pulled her closer, making her grin with a flurry of words she couldn't understand if she tried, but that was completely okay. Of course, he spoke in English right after, probably just translating what he said... She looked up at him, once again reminded just how blessed she was... Even now, Erin still found it hard to fathom being capable of loving someone as much as she loved Yukito. And that she could be loved by him that much, too. How many got to live what they were living right now? Even if awful things came up, awful mistakes were made and they hurt each other, they both wanted bad enough to make it through. They both wanted to make it okay, to make it work, in spite of everything. Because of everything. It was amazing. "I love you, kareshi." "I love you, too, sunshine." She smiled, blissful, enjoying the moment until finally she started, "Kisu shite?" Yukito laughed, catching Erin off guard as he pulled her close without warning and making her laugh too even as he answered roguishly, "Of course," and kissed her. She let him pull her towards him more, holding her arms around him and no letting go until he ended it first. "Does this mean it's okay now?" Erin only giggled, playing with the fringes of his hair as she kept her eyes on him. "Because I hear that the make-up part is the best."Her mirth continued as Erin gave Yukito a little shove on his arm. "Not in the bathroom, it's not!" she giggled out. She made an effort to tickle him, her arms around him, and started laughing herself, instead. "No fair! Where are you ticklish?" she ordered, bubbling over with laughter. Erin took his hands and pulled until they were at least outside of the little room, then lightly kissed his lips again. "Does this still count as the make-up part?" ~~~~~ Yukito MakiHe realized again how good it felt to make her laugh. Admittedly, it was pretty easy. Anything from a lame joke to a dorky expression to a teasing remark left her giggling. But that fact didn't really detract from the way he felt so rewarded at the sound. He liked how she never seemed to let go of him first when he held her, as if she never wanted to let go. He liked how she bounced a little when they held hands, or smiled at the little things he did when he didn't think she would notice. "Does this mean it's okay now?" he asked, pulling away from their kiss to find her beaming. She didn't answer him, only with more giggles. "Because I hear that the make-up part is the best." A playful shove that made him smirk. "Not in the bathroom, it's not!" she giggled and wrapped her arms around him, trying to tickle him. At first, he looked at her in surprise, not understanding what she was doing. Then, he arched both brows doubtfully, though his eyes still glimmered with amusement at her attempts. "Nope," he said simply, "Not ticklish." He felt as if he had cheated somehow when she laughed at her own attempts to make him writhe and giggle as she did. "No fair! Where are you ticklish?""As if I would tell!" he exclaimed, reaching up, meaning to tickle her stomach. But before he knew it she was leading him outside of the small bathroom, the bit of tissue falling forgotten on the floor. Once they were outside, she pressed her lips to his again, lightly, almost innocently. "Does this still count as the make-up part?"Yukito sent her a look, then sighed, rolled his eyes, "Fine, I'll give you a hint. It's nowhere near my toes." Before she could start guessing,her pulled her closer again and kissed her, "And yeah, I think it does. For all I care, the make-up part can last forever." Um....I guess these guys are done? You get the idea.  ~~~~~ Erin Spenser"Does this mean it's okay now?" Yukito asked, finding Erin only answering in giggles. "Because I hear that the make-up part is the best."She gave him a little shove, disagreeing adamantly, "Not in the bathroom, it's not!" Erin laughed, wrapping her arms around him and trying to tickle him. Her attempt crashed and burned. "Nope, not ticklish."The failure and his response just made her laugh all the more, for some reason. "No fair! Where are you ticklish?" Erin demanded. "As if I would tell!" he retorted, making Erin roll her eyes as if she was exasperated with him, twirling to lead him out of the little bathroom. Only then did she kiss him again, just lightly brushing her lips against his. "Does this still count as the make-uppart?" Yukito sent her a look, then sighed, rolled his eyes. "Fine, I'll give you a hint. It's nowhere near my toes." For a moment she hesitated, then remembered he meant being ticklish, and her eyes lit up as she opened her mouth to object: his ribs weren't near his toes, so that was a bad clue! But before she could start guessing, Yukito had pulled her closer again and kissed her. "And yeah, I think it does. For all I care, the make-uppart can last forever."The comment lit a smile on Erin's face as she hugged him, resting her head on him. She was half a breath from asking, Do I have to guess through trial and error? but stopped herself-- for now, she didn't want his arms to pull away from her. Just keep me for a while.Um... yep. Done.
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Post by GGJ5 on Feb 5, 2010 20:36:53 GMT -5
Erin Spenser
Trent had brought up the idea some time ago that one of the billions of churches on every corner might be willing to let them come in for practice. So, he, Erin, and Jeremy had called up a few and visited the ones that had been all right with letting random kids off the street take over a room for a while. After a few days' worth of visits, they'd found a church with an upstairs room that doubled as the youth center, so it came with lighting and sound equipment they could use, as long as they didn't make anything cease to function. And that wouldn't be a problem; enough background experience before made the simple soundboard a near no-brainer.
After several long conversations via text message between themselves, Trent had finally just called Erin to discuss their newly acquired member, as he referred to Yukito so clinically. Jeremy had been fine with it almost immediately, in fact, he was eager to have a fresh perspective in their practices, and hardly ever spoke anything but positively about Yukito (save for his subtle disapproval about Erin living with him). But Trent still held a grudge; Erin was sure that was what it was. He'd gotten a shiner and, Erin had told him, he deserved it. Of course, he'd just brushed off her chiding, but then, she didn't expect him to pay attention to her. There had been a few rough conversations between them, what others probably would call arguments, but it wasn't much different than the ordinary. He was just bitter about being pwned by her boyfriend.
Who was now joining them. Really, really being a part of them. Sharing music with her. The thought still made Erin giddy, even as they had walked into the room and set up their equipment. Her own mic, keyboard, and guitar now properly sitting for her disposal, Erin turned around and took Yukito's hands in hers, beaming at him. Di he have any idea how much it meant to her to have him really a part of this, really a part of the band that she felt was a metaphorical child? Unable to find the words to tell him, Erin lifted her face to kiss him. She pulled him to her in a hug and kissed him twice, still holding him even as a familiar hand fell on her shoulder, pulling her a little. "Keep it to your bedroom," Trent commented dryly, looking more amused than anything, though. Erin just rolled her eyes and gave a punch to his arm. "Shut up!"
"Hey," Trent objected, rubbing his arm as if she'd actually hurt him-- which she hadn't-- "I don't make you watch me and Dom, do I?" he asked, referring to his newest girlfriend, Dominique.
"No one wants to watch that," Erin retorted, turning her back on Trent before she could see his face and would start cracking up. Trent still wouldn't say more than a very rudimentary "'Sup," to Yukito, so he kept teasing Erin instead, even as she strode to the keyboard and ran her fingers over the keys in a breezy melody.
Jeremy, on the other hand, had been more than accommodating to Yukito. He was already talking about letting Yukito take some drumming parts if he wanted, just to add the diversity to the music. Erin could tell he was trying to counteract Trent's sour mood, plus he was more amiable by nature anyway. Now he looked at Yukito with an apologetic expression and said, "Sorry about that. We're still working on house-breaking him."
Erin started laughing as Trent shot Jeremy a look that read, "I'll get you for that one." Feeling Trent's eyes off her again, Erin hugged Yukito one more time. "I'm so glad you're finally a real part of this."
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Post by Elda Forever on Feb 6, 2010 18:23:53 GMT -5
Yukito Maki
Yukito wasn't easily excited. He figured it was because of the weird sort of buffer around his 'express emotions' button that made it hard for him to show anything - sadness, happiness, anger - without a solid effort on his own part. But today, he was feeling a good, familiar old rush pumping through his veins. It came with hearing muffled voices and random sounds from different instruments, each adding to confused and meaningful sounds. It came with feeling his guitar in one hand, and it came with feeling Erin's hand in the other.
It came with thinking seriously about the different aspects of music and playing and how to blend in those different stories of notes together. Jeremy had already started cheerfully discussing trade-offs with the drums, handing off some of the songs to their newest member. Yukito had given nods, agreed wholeheartedly with several of Jeremy's points, reminding himself to smile outwardly at least half as much as he was inwardly. Sure, he would love to try some of the drumming parts. Pretty much anything Jeremy didn't want was fine with him.
Erin's face showed her own excitement, barely kept from an ear-piercing squeal by the shaky self-control she maintained. Yukito smirked as she lifted her face to kiss him, pulling him closer and repeating the gesture. Yukito started to chuckle when they were interrupted by a voice, bitter and dry. Abruptly, Erin pulled away, leaving Yukito still smiling crookedly.
"Keep it to your bedroom," Trent commented. Erin just rolled her eyes and gave a punch to his arm. "Shut up!"
"Hey," Trent objected, rubbing his arm. Yukito noticed she wasn't that violent around him. Unless you counted painful hug-glomps. "I don't make you watch me and Dom, do I?"
"No one wants to watch that," Erin retorted, turning on her heel and wandering to her keyboard, instantly adding her own strings to the light chaotic mix of chords and scales.
"'Sup," Trent managed to send Yukito, whose smile had faded.
"Yo," he replied as simply. A few moments later, one of the other band members - Jeremy - came up and turned to Yukito.
"Sorry about that. We're still working on house-breaking him."
Yukito nodded, "You might try spray bottles with water in them. That seems to do the trick." He made a little spraying sound with his teeth, miming the act. Then, Erin's arm encircled him, and he was quickly distracted.
"I'm so glad you're finally a real part of this."
"Imagine that," he said with a note of teasing, "I am, too." He kissed the top of her head and whispered with a smile, "Now, I know you're excited and all, but if you keep doing that I'm going to have a hard time playing and not stopping every five minutes to kiss or cuddle with you." He arched an eyebrow, "Though I wouldn't say no to a catching up session afterward..." Yukito raised his voice to its normal level to ask, "So, what do you guys want to do first? I'm used to being unofficial band nag and all, but here I'm the new guy, so..."
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Post by GGJ5 on Feb 7, 2010 15:08:53 GMT -5
Erin Spenser
"Sorry about that," Jeremy said with a nod in Trent's direction, a slight smile on his face. "We're still working on house-breaking him."
Yukito nodded. "You might try spray bottles with water in them. That seems to do the trick." He made a little spraying sound with his teeth, miming the act.
"Sure, I keep a spray bottle in my truck for times just like this." Jeremy grinned conspiratorially then added, more somber, "He'll get around to warming up, though."
Just then Erin came back to Yukito's side, pulling herself to him, giddy over his presence as officially a part of Veritas, so dear to her. "I'm so glad you're finally a real part of this."
"Imagine that," Yukito said, teasing her a little. "I am, too." He kissed the top of her head and whispered with a smile, "Now, I know you're excited and all, but if you keep doing that I'm going to have a hard time playing and not stopping every five minutes to kiss or cuddle with you." Erin couldn't help bubbling over a bit in laughter, as quiet as she tried to keep it. "Though I wouldn't say no to a catching up session afterward..."
Taking his words for a promise, Erin kissed his cheek and reverted to her stance with her keyboard, still watching him with a smile.
Out loud now to them all, "So, what do you guys want to do first? I'm used to being unofficial band nag and all, but here I'm the new guy, so..."
Trent lifted his head from his guitar and raised an eyebrow at Yukito's choice of words. Erin smiled, enjoying the differences. "We tend to stay away from labels..." He smiled, and continued, "It's fine; Erin shared your old music with us, and plus those practices a while back--" He was trying to give him some kind of "we're glad to have you" thing, Erin knew, and she thought it was silly, so she interrupted in her own way: she started playing the melody of one of their songs, and loudly. She gave her friends a dazzling smile, breaking any kind of awkward silence. It was an older song for them, one that she knew Yukito had heard since some of their earliest meetings together, and that concert that seemed forever ago, when she had been foolish enough to think Yukito wanted Cassie. She immediately started singing, hearing the familiar notes and enjoying the rather humorous moment despite the realities in the song.
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Post by Elda Forever on Feb 9, 2010 21:49:14 GMT -5
Yukito Maki
"So, what do you guys want to do first? I'm used to being unofficial band nag and all, but here I'm the new guy, so..."
Trent lifted his head from his guitar and raised an eyebrow at Yukito. "We tend to stay away from labels..." He smiled, making Yukito feel as if he had been reprimanded, and continued, "It's fine; Erin shared your old music with us, and plus those practices a while back--"
Yukito nodded, just as Erin interrupted them by started on a melody on her keyboard. They all looked towards her in question, but she just sent them all a heart-warming smile and began singing. Yukito felt something in his gut flip over in response to the sound of her voice mingling with the music as one by one the band members readied themselves to join in. In one clash, the others added their sound to the simplistic piano intro, leaving Yukito to follow with the bass line, even and - he had to admit - a little boring to play, but that wasn't the point right now. At this point, he had to get a feel for how the others played. Any quirks one had, glancing toward them to watch Trent's fingers strumming madly on his guitar, then looking over to check on Jeremy's hand positioning on the drumsticks, then finally to Erin. She was breathing in a slightly odd way, and that got him thinking about her breath support, but he let it slide, lowering his head back to his bass as the bridge switched them into a higher gear. It was clear that wasn't his place, at least not anymore. His 'slight OCD' in the practice room could float away, and he could just enjoy playing for the sake of playing.
But old habits died hard. And the best he could do was try not to say anything that could be taken as criticism on the first day, or a pompous attitude. But he could think it all he wanted. When the song ended, he sent Erin a smile. Overall, it had been better than he expected. It was rather natural to fit in with their rhythm, and there had been enough of a switch at the end to keep him interested.
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Post by GGJ5 on Feb 11, 2010 23:29:58 GMT -5
Erin Spenser
She knew it wasn't perfect. It was so far from perfect. She hadn't even given them warning, and really, she should have waited for Jeremy's cue instead of him working the rhythm around her, but the whole "let's converse with the new guy and try to make witty jokes to fill the awkward greeting process" thing was awful and she had to do something to rev things up. Even if it was unorthodox. But they were used to each other improving, anyway... at least Trent and Jeremy were. She couldn't help but looking over at Yukito and smiling to watch him play, so concentrated and serious and fluent. Of course he caught up in it quick, too. Erin expected nothing less from him, but it was just a thrill to see it.
The song faded out, and immediately came her own corrections, missing the look Yukito sent her. "The chorus after the bridge, wouldn't it sound better if the key change was there, and not in the third stanza? Third stanza reminds me of a church hymn, and it throws it off...."
"That's where it was initially," Jeremy pointed out, glancing at Trent, who had persuaded Erin it had to be changed to the third stanza a while back. "But I would be fine with switching it back." Trent said nothing, but played out the chord progression to busy himself as they discussed ditching his input. "Have you heard it the other way, Yukito?" Jeremy asked.
Erin nodded, answering quickly, "Yeah, he was at our shows! He remembers," she chirped, sending Yukito a bright smile and wanting to go back up to him to give him a hug. But she remembered he'd kind of hinted she shouldn't right now, so Erin stayed where she was. Jeremy just looked back at Yukito, waiting quietly for his acknowledgment, a little amused smile on his face that usually came out around Erin.
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OOC: Planned Trent/Yukito. (: BIC:
Trent Fisher
Erin must have given her boyfriend his and Jeremy's numbers, because he was "one of them" now or whatever, because Trent sure as heck wasn't giving out his number to just anyone. Especially Yukito.
He was trying to be civil, for Erin's sake mostly because he knew she was pretty into Yukito, and for the band, but it wasn't the easiest thing he had to do. And Trent was pretty sure that Yukito wasn't trying all that hard, either. Erin had gone and made it pretty awkward at practices having her boyfriend there as part of it. The one she lived with now, which was way more than Trent would have ever expected her to do. Sure, he knew Erin could be pretty extreme with how she felt, and when she loved something, her whole heart went into it, and that went for relationships, too, apparently (just not theirs, of course). But he was more than half worried they'd do something stupid to ruin the band's chances like get her pregnant or something. That was the last thing she needed, and unless Yukito could super-counter her carelessness and extreme personality... He doubted it.
Anyway, Yukito had left a message on his phone, something about a potential gig at the old theater-turned-concert venue, Hysteria. And something about meeting the booking dude there-- he wanted to talk to them, or show them the venue, or something before the actual gig was booked. Okay, that was great, but why did he call Trent? He still didn't get it. Maybe he was trying to get brownie points with him or something. Whatever. So Trent had come at the time Yukito had mentioned in his call anyway, won over by the potential show, and waited for a while. Soon, he found Yukito. "So... I didn't catch all your message besides a possible gig here..." he said, again trying his best to sound cordial, but the edge was still in his voice. He felt more stressed around Yukito. Mostly for how attached Erin was to him, and how easily he knew it would be for Yukito to hurt her. Like he already had done. Too much, if you asked Trent. Which no one did, of course. Because he wasn't supposed to care.
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Post by Elda Forever on Feb 12, 2010 9:07:54 GMT -5
Yukito Maki + Band
He knew he could easily get too into it, too serious about playing music. Yukito had been told there were psychological reasons that getting a song perfect was such an important thing to him.... But he tried not to remember that, because it irritated him that someone else could be right about what was going on in his head. Wasn't that the whole point of writing a song? To tell what no one else really knew, to hear it from your viewpoint as something much better than just words, as more beautiful than an expression or look could ever be? It couldn't just be him, Yukito with all the problems who never seems to get over them. It couldn't be. Others loved it as much as him, others like Erin who didn't have much to hide, or much to be afraid of.
But weren't they all afraid anyways?
When the song ended, and the last few notes had vanished to leave the room feeling just a little larger than it had been before, Erin started in on suggestions, "The chorus after the bridge, wouldn't it sound better if the key change was there, and not in the third stanza? Third stanza reminds me of a church hymn, and it throws it off...."
"That's where it was initially," Jeremy pointed out, glancing at Trent pointedly. "But I would be fine with switching it back. Have you heard it the other way, Yukito?"
Erin nodded, answering quickly, "Yeah, he was at our shows! He remembers," she chirped, sending Yukito a bright smile. He halted, thinking back. Yeah, he definitely remembered a different key, but he wasn't sure if he liked it better the previous way or with the newer progression.
"Maybe we should try it the old way, starting at the bridge?" A shrug, appearing nonchalant. "On one hand, having the chorus the same after the bridge seems to offer it an air of consistency with everything before it. On the other, it just need a clean change up." Another lift of his shoulder, "Personally, I'd like to hear it pushed more towards subdued guitar and bass pieces, with just the vocals and piano for awhile, like Erin was doing in the beginning by herself. It could make the hymn-type sound more emotional and stand-offish less of a drag."
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Yukito Maki - sans Erin
He waited just around the corner of the old refurbished concert venue, leaning against the wall with his hands tucked neatly into his pockets, his eyes watching casually out for Trent. It had felt weird calling Trent's cell phone, even if it had felt like number circulation was such a common thing, the way Erin put it. So he'd taken the coward's way out and tried to call him at a time where he knew it would go to voicemail, and had just left a message instead of trying to actually talk to him over the phone. He was awful at phone calls, anyway. Yukito left a brief and almost bored-sounding message detailing the location of a place he thought would be a good future gig for the band, eager now to start getting them some shows now that he was able to supply them a bassist.
The sign was new, and with a strange font he was sure he'd seen somewhere else before. Hysteria. Sounded like a song title, which he deemed appropriate and memorable. When Trent passed by, Yukito sauntered out into sight and the two wandered toward each other, the air around them barely amiable.
"So... I didn't catch all your message besides a possible gig here..." Trent said, the edge of irritation in his voice barely masked.
"Yeah, there's a guy in here I think can set us up with something. I lent him one of the demos Erin gave me awhile back, and he said it's got potential. I told him it had more than that." He gave a faint glimmer of a smile, "I wanted you to take a look and see what you think, since you're almost as cynical as me when it comes to the technical part." And also because he felt like Trent was being ostracized and it looked like it was his fault. Plus Erin or Jeremy would have just automatically said yes to practically any show. Trent might make the bookie fight for a good band, whereas Yukito felt like a salesman, pleading someone to take them in. To Trent now, he felt odd listing off the details in a straightforward, mostly informative tone. "It's a decent-sized venue, has a good reputation for Indie or outcoming bands and such, but I don't know how big Veritas has played or how much you want to talk price-wise."
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Post by GGJ5 on Feb 12, 2010 23:20:40 GMT -5
Erin Spenser
Erin was more aware than she cared to admit of how many things needed tweaking in that really rough run-through. She started mentioning them one by one: "The chorus after the bridge, wouldn't it sound better if the key change was there, and not in the third stanza? Third stanza reminds me of a church hymn, and it throws it off...."
"That's where it was initially," Jeremy pointed out, glancing at Trent pointedly. "But I would be fine with switching it back. Have you heard it the other way, Yukito?"
Erin nodded, answering quickly, "Yeah, he was at our shows! He remembers," she chirped, sending Yukito a bright smile.
"Maybe we should try it the old way, starting at the bridge?" Yukito offered with a shrug. "On one hand, having the chorus the same after the bridge seems to offer it an air of consistency with everything before it. On the other, it just need a clean change up." Another lift of his shoulder as Erin beamed proudly at him. "Personally, I'd like to hear it pushed more towards subdued guitar and bass pieces, with just the vocals and piano for awhile, like Erin was doing in the beginning by herself. It could make the hymn-type sound more emotional and stand-offish less of a drag."
Erin was still beaming from his words that she was taking as compliments, wanting to hear her sing more. It was really sweet of him, actually. But still, Erin was curious.... "What if we traded? Like, traded off the lyrics? Maybe not all the way throughout, but just after the key change.... "
"Who do you mean?" Trent asked casually. Jeremy tended to be silent, with spoken words and singing; Trent traded vocals with her, but now Erin's eyes were locked on Yukito. He knew who she meant. Still, she said, "I mean Yukito, of course! He's experienced!"
"Yeah, I'm sure he is now," Trent retorted quietly, a knowing smile on his face. "Trent!" Erin chided, laughing. "Stop it! Don't you want to just try it? Come on, please?"
"Whatever," Trent said with a shrug. "It's fine with me."
"Okay!" she chirped, happy for his consent, though missing that he wasn't entirely thrilled. Jeremy was decidedly staying out of it. A glance at Yukito, and Jeremy gave a little consoling shrug. "What do you think, Yukito? And I'm sorry, Jeremy, you can totally start us off this time... " She giggled. Jeremy just shrugged again, and played out a rhythm.
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Trent Fisher
There he was. All right, time for another uncomfortable conversation where he's thinking he's better than me the entire time, and I can only imagine what he's doing with Erin... I look forward to it! he thought dryly.
"So... I didn't catch all your message besides a possible gig here..." Trent said, the edge of irritation in his voice barely masked.
"Yeah," Yukito started. "There's a guy in here I think can set us up with something. I lent him one of the demos Erin gave me awhile back, and he said it's got potential. I told him it had more than that."
Trent smiled a little at that. He had to give it to him, Yukito was passionate. At least that would benefit the band. They could finally get off their stupid plateau, maybe. Hopefully.
"I wanted you to take a look and see what you think, since you're almost as cynical as me when it comes to the technical part."
At that, Trent snickered. Because he was pretty sure it was true. "All right.. I can go with that. "So you went out and found this place on your own, then? You're not the owner's brother's girlfriend's nephew's neighbor or something." Again, he had to give him points for that. Even though he didn't really want to. "So what did you get from your 'guy' here?"
"It's a decent-sized venue, has a good reputation for Indie or outcoming bands and such, but I don't know how big Veritas has played or how much you want to talk price-wise."
Trent shrugged. "About venues... Nothing to write home about yet..." He glanced around again, then added, half to himself, "This could be a good leg up, though. And price..." He shrugged. "Honestly, the most important thing is the audience... We haven't done any high-paying gigs, really, and that's fine as long as there's new people to hear it, you know?" And he was a terrible negotiator when it came to price and payments. It was awkward asking for money and wages and stuff. "You're more than welcome to try to get more if you want." He added before thinking about it a half-dark, "I'm sure you have practice doing that, too."
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Post by Elda Forever on Feb 13, 2010 21:48:26 GMT -5
Yukito Maki - Band
"Personally, I'd like to hear it pushed more towards subdued guitar and bass pieces, with just the vocals and piano for awhile, like Erin was doing in the beginning by herself. It could make the hymn-type sound more emotional and stand-offish less of a drag."
He glanced over, the guys' faces unreadable, but Erin was grinning practically from ear to ear. "What if we traded?" she suggested. Yukito just arched an eyebrow, a silent indicator for her to explain the question more thoroughly. "Like, traded off the lyrics? Maybe not all the way throughout, but just after the key change.... "
"Who do you mean?" Trent asked casually. Yukito got a sinking feeling in his stomach that tried to ignore the pride smothered beneath it. Erin was looking right at him the whole time. He didn't actually see it, since he was fiddling with the tuning on the bass, but he could feel it. He'd heard the lower E string off a bit at the ending, and he used it as a good excuse to keep his head lowered out of sight.
"I mean Yukito, of course! He's experienced!"
"Yeah, I'm sure he is now," Trent retorted quietly. Yukito didn't respond, and showed no outward signs of acknowledgement save for pressing his lips tightly together, creating a thinner line than usual as he tested the strings again. He wanted to turn the distortion up some and see how that sounded, but didn't move from his spot.
"Trent!" Erin chided, laughing. "Stop it! Don't you want to just try it? Come on, please?"
"Whatever," Trent said with a shrug. "It's fine with me."
"Okay!" she chirped. Then to Yukito as he looked up at last, his expression as blank as he could make it, "What do you think, Yukito? And I'm sorry, Jeremy, you can totally start us off this time... " She giggled. Jeremy just shrugged again, and played out a rhythm.
Following Jeremy's suit, he lifted one shoulder, "We could try it, I guess. I'll need to check with you on which ones you keep and which ones I would take. So we're trading lyrics as well as pushing the key change back to right after the bridge, or what?" He kind of wished they'd do the keyboard-vocals-only idea for that chorus following the bridge, but he evaded asking about it specifically. To be honest, he'd promised himself not to take over the vocals for the band. In his head he foresaw a power struggle between him and Erin, or them both against the rest of the band, if they chose to integrate his own voice regularly. And here they were, the first song through, and he was stepping up to the microphone again.
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Yukito Maki - Trenkito
"I wanted you to take a look and see what you think, since you're almost as cynical as me when it comes to the technical part," Yukito stated flippantly, making Trent snicker. He was pretty sure that was a good sign. At least he was having a sense of humor about the whole thing, even if he didn't quite take Yukito seriously yet.
"All right.. I can go with that. So you went out and found this place on your own, then? You're not the owner's brother's girlfriend's nephew's neighbor or something."
Yukito stared at him for a moment, searchingly. There was no way he knew about Timothy, so making a relative comment like that seemed oddly ironic. "No," he stated plainly, then, "Is he yours?" A flicker of a smile, then a shrug, "It seemed like a place I would go to if I was looking for something fresh to listen to. So I poked around a little." Plus, I want to prove I can pull the weight equally with you guys.
"So what did you get from your 'guy' here?"
"It's a decent-sized venue, has a good reputation for Indie or outcoming bands and such, but I don't know how big Veritas has played or how much you want to talk price-wise."
Trent shrugged. "About venues... Nothing to write home about yet..." He glanced around again, then added, half to himself, "This could be a good leg up, though. And price..." He shrugged. Yukito made note about the venue comment, filing it away for later comparison. It did matter. If they'd only done smaller things, then word-of-mouth was the way they were going. It could be a bad thing or a very, very good thing. Word of mouth promised not just fans, but devoted fans. Finding a band by chance on your own or getting a high-recommendation from a friend could mean a band you'd be willing to cough up the money to see more of, and hear more from. "Honestly, the most important thing is the audience... We haven't done any high-paying gigs, really, and that's fine as long as there's new people to hear it, you know?"
Yukito nodded. Yes, they were definitely going through word-of-mouth. There were tactics they could use to make use of that.
"You're more than welcome to try to get more if you want." To this, Yukito looked a little surprised, and then Trent added, "I'm sure you have practice doing that, too."
There was a pause, and he didn't move. Just considered. Either this was a jab at his relationship with Erin again, or Trent was admitting that he thought Yukito could actually do better. The latter Yukito could believe - the way he was flapping at the ball as it went tumbling back into Yukito's court again to handle proved that Trent didn't want to haggle numbers anymore than the next guy - but didn't find as plausible after knowing Trent. Or at least after having come to punching Trent at one point. It hadn't seemed long enough ago.
His thumbs hooked into the pockets of his jeans, Yukito rocked back onto the heels of his feet before speaking, "One more thing. Our guy here says we've gotta shy away from the covers. He usually goes for a more Indie sound, and doesn't want to hear a bunch of oldies regurgitated." He looked up into Trent's face, calculating. It was sort of a lie, actually. He'd mentioned not taking to covers well, and it had been insinuated, but there had been no actual orders to not do covers. It was more of a test, really, that he was doing. A test on Trent, as well as himself.
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-Mascii(: