Compilation Of Unseen Scenes - Private RP

[The Phantom of Paris]

Nanny Continued

Vikram Singri

While his family gushed over Juliet--did she ever even give us her last name? Not very professional, is she?--Vikram busied himself between alternatively glaring and studying her, trying to get a feel of this girl who, apparently, was going to be intruding in on his life. Ridiculous. This whole thing is a waste of time. I can watch them. I'm plenty responsible--I've proven it time and time again! All three of them adore me, I know how to deal with them for the most part, and, oh yeah, I already live here!

Unfortunately, it seemed like, once again, he was the only one in his family with any ounce of common sense whatsoever. But Vikram was no stranger to that. Maybe if Dad were home more instead of away on business all the time...no, don't. Don't go down that road. We all know that would cause more problems than it would solve.

In the meantime, he studied this nanny, this Juliet. Tallish, innocent-looking, probably no more than a year or so older than him. Her dress looked secondhand--not in a bad way, but a way that either meant that she liked the style or that she didn't like paying full price for things. Neither of which was inherently bad on their own, but... But she's applying to be a nanny. So I'm guessing the latter. Which is just going to be so much fun, isn't it? Someone so young couldn't have all that much experience, but clearly that didn't matter to his mother. No accent that he could pin a location on, but clearly not a dialect native to New Orleans. So she's not from around here.

Other than that, though, he had trouble finding something to hate about her other than her job with them. And that admittedly makes my job harder. Oh well.

"So, is there anything else? I don't know how these nanny interviews usually go," he heard his mother say, sounding so excited that Vikram didn't know whether she was going to hire the girl or drop down on one knee and propose. "Do I look at your references first, or do we just jump in and discuss living arrangements?"

"What?" Vikram shot out, just as Nanny Girl did the same thing. Living with us? No. No way, absolutely not. That was not part of our deal.

"That is..." Juliet stammered on, seeming even more of an unprofessional rube than ever, "you should probably look at my resume. And..well, I wasn't aware that I'd be living here."

Vikram almost did a victory dance on the spot. 'Wasn't prepared to' was code for 'never in a million years would I want to move in with these demon children', right? Right? It had to be. He was in the clear, he was free, free...

"I don't mind, though, I just wasn't prepared."

Awesome, Vikram thought as his metaphorical balloon of happiness spontaneously combusted.

"Not a problem, dear! You can always bring your things later. Now! I'll let Vikram give you a tour as I call these references of yours."

"Gee, that sounds super!" Vikram said, putting on a falsetto voice and a childlike smile. He glared pointedly at his mother's back as she retreated to the kitchen. Beside him, Latika shook her head. "Don't be mean!"

"Well. Why don't we get started? From what I saw from the outside, there's a whole lot to show me."

Vikram gave a shrug. "Yes, I'm sure it must seem like that." He sighed heavily, wondering what in the world he had ever done to deserve this. "Right. Better get this over with. As you can see, this is the entryway." He pointed to his right. "That's the temple room, we're Hindu but not really practicing, you get the point--" he switched and gestured to the door to their left-- "That's my music room--completely off-limits, I might add, unless by special permission. And please, try not to touch or break any of the Indian artwork you see around, it's very old and very valuable," he added, sounding like a bored museum tour guide. "The children have the exact same rules regarding those."

He pointed in front of him, to where his mother had just retreated. "Living room. Past that is the dining room and then the kitchen--the only rooms that way. My music room is the only one to the left. As you can see, my parents got...creative when designing the house. Or, rather, my parents' architect did. Most of it is to the right. It's probably significant or something, for good luck maybe, but I really don't know. Let's go." He led them down the hall to the right, passing the temple room and stopping at the door to the media room. "Media room," he explained without much interest. "For movies, video games, TV, whatever. Guest rooms that way," he pointed out, gesturing farther to the right at the end of the hall, "but I don't know which one you'll have."

Without another word, he turned right around, leading the motley crew of them back to the living room, where he gestured for them to climb the ultramodern staircase. He followed them up, grumbling under his breath.

"Playroom," he said, speaking more quickly in order to get it over with. "In there are the entrances to the triplets rooms. "My room is over there, also off-limits, master bedroom, pretty self-explanatory, and another guest room. Most of the bedrooms have their own private bathroom, except the two downstairs, which share one.

"And that's pretty much it. There's the reflecting pool in the front, not for swimming, and the normal one out back, which is. Oh, and if you're going to be working here," he said, refusing to say the word living, "you'll probably meet the rest of the help. There's Asha, she's the cook, and our maid, Kim. Any questions?"

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

The other two copped out, leaving her to hear from Yukito how much she sucked today, and how she didn't argue with him enough or whatever crap he was trying to pull this time. She glanced over to see him staring at her coldly. "What?" she snapped, hopping to her feet, standing across from him stonily. He wasn't going to win this. It was his fault for blowing it all out of proportion, anyway.

“Erin,” Yukito called slowly, in a tone that only made the whole situation more grating. Her teeth clenched. “Just say it straight out to me - 'Yukito, I think you're wrong'. It's not that hard, you know. 'Yukito, you screwed up, try it this way'. See? Simple.”

"Maybe," Erin retorted. "It's because I didn't have any reason to say that! Stop talking to me like that!"

“Talking to you like what? Like it's not all fine and okay and everything?”

She gawked at him. How could he bother to ask that question?! Erin scoffed at him, snapping back, "Fine, Yukito. I think you're wrong. You suck. Everything you do is wrong. There, is that better? Does that make you feel good? Are you just peachy now? I know I am!" Exasperated, Erin dropped to the nearest stool, arms tightly crossed over her, glowering. Smoldering. She didn't look up at him when he made an annoying twang on his bass. Just tensed up. He was doing it on purpose, annoying her and irking her as much as he could, just to get a reaction.

“I never made you think that it was all gonna be roses and gifts and junk. I know it's gonna get ugly. But the question is – do you? Look at this. We're fighting and now you can't even get your head into the game enough to get through one song.”

"And here you are acting like it's none of your fault!" Erin shouted at him, pointing at him accusingly. He knew just what to say to make her snap, didn't he? "You're the one who made a big deal out of one mistake! God… just move on, okay? And what do you mean, do I know it's gonna get ugly? What, because I was happy means I can't be logical or something? I'm not stupid, I know crap happens, but that doesn't mean I have to sit back and let it! You're the one who started this, not me!"

She'd pressed his button. He blew up. “One mistake is a big deal! It was when you got called into your father's office because of one stupid essay I wrote! And it was apparently a big deal when they made us sign a stupid ****-ing paper that doesn't mean **** in the real world! It was a big deal for you when Cassie kissed me!” His bass crashed to the floor just as he pressed her button in what had to be the cruelest way. How could he even compare Cassie kissing him to this?! "Cassie doesn't have crap to do with this! Don't you pull that card with me!"

“I don't think you know it's gonna be ugly sometimes. I don't think you know because you refuse to even just disagree with me and let it be at that. You make it a big deal when it's all or nothing. It's either go with the flow or storm off for you!”

"You're the one making it a big--!" He cut her short with a clench on both her shoulders, making Erin automatically jerk back, but he held on to her. “You don't know me at all, then, if you don't disagree with me, Erin,” he hissed, but Erin wasn't listening-- her mind was too filled by his actions to make room for his words. She jerked away again just as Yukito suddenly released her, and she fell backward a step at the release. The feeling of protest in her muscles surged, and Erin's eyes widened. He hurt her. And now he was going to pretend he hadn't done a thing.

“You know what?" he was saying, reaching for the bass that was lying forlornly on the ground, suffering silently from its abuse. "Let's just forget it, then. Because that's the mature thing to do, right? To just move on as if there isn't any problem?”

"No!" Erin shouted back icily. This was going to stop now. "No, Yukito, there is no way I am gonna 'pretend to forget' or whatever bullcrap you're trying to pull! You know what? I still feel the way you freaking clawed into my shoulders, and I swear to God if I have a bruise from what you did you better start praying hard," she told him, seething, pointing her finger at him coldly with eyes darkening and narrowed. "Because I am not gonna stick around and watch you fall into the statistics that say you belong there. I am not gonna be a part of that, and if you so much as put one bruise on me, then I don't care how much I love you and might want to 'pretend there's not problem' because I do not deserve to be treated that way. I might screw up sometimes and tick you off and do stupid crap, but you are not going to start treating me less than I deserve. Got it?" Erin stepped to him, challenging, staring him down. "So now what are you gonna do?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trent Fisher

“And don't make jabs at Erin and insult her intelligence like that, because I never promised her I wouldn't hit you again.”

Yukito finally seemed to come alive. Granted, it took bringing Erin into it-- a lot-- and she would be infuriated if she heard what he was saying. But she also thought that Yukito was an angel from heaven or something sick like that, when all he did was screw her over. So her opinion was slightly distorted to say the least. He was only looking out for her, really, in his own way. And she didn't make it easy, nor did Yukito… You gotta do what you gotta do, and it really was for Erin's sake. She would see that eventually.

”You mean out here," Trent responded, reeking with confidence. "Where I can hit you back, and harder? And longer? And with this gig coming up? Not the swiftest up top, are you, Yuki?" The dark glower Yukito gave him only made his smirk grow. "And I wasn't making jabs at her intelligence. Her sanity, maybe, but not her intelligence. Call me crazy, but I just don't get it… of all people for her to lose herself to, she picks the one that treated her like absolute crap."

Out of nowhere Yukito anchored his hand to his shirt in an irate grip, giving Trent the initiation he'd wanted. “Shut up,” he half-hissed, half-shouted. “You don't know anything about it, for good reason. You can't even cut the crap with me for one afternoon because you're scared she might actually stick with me for good, and you'll have to give up your little side-toy.”

Trent put his hand around Yukito's wrist, quickly growing tighter, tighter, tighter. "Get the facts straight. It's not that I can't cut the crap-- I just don't want to. Not after what you did to her." Another tightening of his grip that made Trent's fingers white with pressure. "She follows you like a freakin' puppy, or your slave, and it's sick. The way you drag her on, setting her up again. You didn't see how sick you made her." A hard shove with the tightened hand. "And you're the one who called Erin a side-toy, not me. At least the girls I'm with know I'm not in it for the long haul. Erin? What kind of crap have you put in her head? Don't you get that she believes every single word you say?"

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

The detonation was quick and deadly. He shouted, he threw his bass on the ground, and he accused her of a lot of things. Including making Cassie into a bigger deal that she was, when it came to being between them. "Cassie doesn't have crap to do with this! Don't you pull that card with me!" Her words snapped at him almost defensively, but he was already too livid to care, his voice rising to a boom in the auditorium and mingling with hers.

“I don't think you know it's gonna be ugly sometimes. I don't think you know because you refuse to even just disagree with me and let it be at that. You make it a big deal when it's all or nothing. It's either go with the flow or storm off for you!”

"You're the one making it a big--!" He cut her short with a clench on both her shoulders, making Erin automatically jerk back, but he held on to her firmly, with too much of that constantly-subdued anger flowing through his fingertips. “You don't know me at all, then, if you don't disagree with me, Erin,” he hissed, realizing his hold too late and releasing her as if she was a hot coal. His mind screamed at the familiar image – the wild look in her eyes, the idea that he'd been tearing into her shoulders with his hands... He started to shake, trying to cover it up with bitterness and distancing them both with the larger part of the stage. Yukito willed her not to come any closer to him. If she took a single step toward him, he wasn't sure how either of them would react.

“You know what?" he was saying, reaching for the bass that was lying forlornly on the ground, suffering silently from its abuse. "Let's just forget it, then. Because that's the mature thing to do, right? To just move on as if there isn't any problem?”

"No!" Erin shouted back icily, still in that spot where she'd pulled away from his hold moments ago. He turned to face the auditorium instead of her, a stony look on his face. "No, Yukito, there is no way I am gonna 'pretend to forget' or whatever bullcrap you're trying to pull! You know what? I still feel the way you freaking clawed into my shoulders,” He visibly cringed, keeping his glare aimed at the empty seats. Her words sounded familiar, and the situation was almost a mirror to what he'd grown up to. His fists clenched tightly around the bass, and he felt shame and fury burning up and down his body like an electric current. He couldn't find the words for what was going through his head, but none of it was good. ”And I swear to God if I have a bruise from what you did you better start praying hard," she told him, and he could feel the complete animosity in her words, and she was probably about to bore a hole in him at any moment with her eyes, but he kept glaring at the seats, feeling distanced and miles away mentally. "Because I am not gonna stick around and watch you fall into the statistics that say you belong there. I am not gonna be a part of that, and if you so much as put one bruise on me, then I don't care how much I love you and might want to 'pretend there's not problem' because I do not deserve to be treated that way. I might screw up sometimes and tick you off and do stupid crap, but you are not going to start treating me less than I deserve. Got it?" Erin stepped into his peripheral vision and his body jerked in surprise subconsciously away from her. "So now what are you gonna do?"


He didn't answer her at first, just standing there in silence for an expanse of moments, staring ahead of him as though he wasn't there. Finally, he voiced, “Would you really do that, Erin? Could you promise me you'd do that?” He lifted his eyes to send his stony, commanding stare toward her face, “Could you honestly walk away from me and never look back? Would you believe what you just said enough to do that?” His voice was rising quickly, getting more frantic and sounding too much like a child's for his taste, “Because my mother used to say the same exact thing, and my dad would always test her on it. But she loved him too much to just walk away. Thinks he walks on a ****ing water, Erin. She met him at one of his concerts and couldn't stop coming, just to see him play and talk to him. She wanted to sing with him sometime, and he promised that they would play together sometime. He kept treating her like crap, but she made excuses for it, warning him off all the time and doing nothing about it. He'd come back, apologize, and they'd move on again.” He hissed, “Does it sound familiar, Erin? If the statistics are right, what are you gonna do about it? Keep smiling and saying it's not a big deal? Yell at me and forgive me tomorrow?” He lifted up his bass and held it out to her, a little too quick and frustrated in his movements. In a low growl and a face as solemn as the dead he told her, “Hit me with it.” He frowned deeper, his face twitching into a pained expression as though she had already struck him. “I want to know you can fight back at me if I pull this kind of crap on you.” A pause, and he added, “I'm serious, Erin...” He suddenly gave a commanding shout, quickly enraged with her, “HIT ME WITH THE ****ING GUITAR, ERIN!”


---------

Yukito Maki

”You mean out here," Trent responded, reeking with confidence. It was enough to make even the most stoic of personalities' blood start to boil. "Where I can hit you back, and harder? And longer? And with this gig coming up? Not the swiftest up top, are you, Yuki?" The dark glower Yukito gave him only made his smirk grow. "And I wasn't making jabs at her intelligence. Her sanity, maybe, but not her intelligence. Call me crazy, but I just don't get it… of all people for her to lose herself to, she picks the one that treated her like absolute crap."

Yukito reached over and gripped hard at Trent's shirt hard, anchoring them together with their collective glares acting as the glue. “Shut up,” he half-hissed, half-shouted, not caring if it made a scene, “You don't know anything about it, for good reason. You can't even cut the crap with me for one afternoon because you're scared she might actually stick with me for good, and you'll have to give up your little side-toy.”

Trent put his hand around Yukito's wrist, quickly moving to his own methods of intimidation. Yukito forced himself not to wince at the growing discomfort that developed into pain. Trent's hand was much bigger than his own scrawny little wrists. And they'd already been broken once. "Get the facts straight. It's not that I can't cut the crap-- I just don't want to. Not after what you did to her." Another tightening of his grip that made Trent's fingers white with pressure. Yukito's lips pressed together in a tight line as his only sign of protest, keeping his eyes on Trent's and willing away the pain."She follows you like a freakin' puppy, or your slave, and it's sick. The way you drag her on, setting her up again. You didn't see how sick you made her." A hard shove with the tightened hand came unexpectedly, making Yukito stumble a bit on the sidewalk. It was only the physical embodiment of what the boy's words did to his head. "And you're the one who called Erin a side-toy, not me. At least the girls I'm with know I'm not in it for the long haul. Erin? What kind of crap have you put in her head? Don't you get that she believes every single word you say?"

“I don't put crap in her head. Anyone that knows Erin understands that she comes up with ideas all on her own. She's not looking for your bullcrap blessing on our relationship, and she knows she isn't going to get one from you. Because you automatically assume you know everything.” Yukito pushed both his wrists, with Trent's hands still clamped tightly onto them, back into Trent's chest, in order to yank out of his grasp. “And that's the difference between you and me – I am in it for the long-haul. I'm not bailing at the first sign of a problem with her. You can go screw around with girls' heads however you want, but I'm actually trying to move on from the status of school jerkwad extraordinaire.. and even if I don't succeed, it is none of your freaking business. It's my life with Erin, and there's clearly no mention of you in that equation, you moron. You, on the other hand, were about two drinks and five minutes away from tonguing my girlfriend while she was out wasted at a 'special outing' you'd talked her into, and all you can tell me is that you 'don't want to cut the crap'. So who's the one really filling her head with crap?”

[GGJ5]

OOC: Sorry my babies are being really big meanieheads today. >.< And for Erin's choice of words.... grrr >___< Also, if I forgot what we planned to happen in Trent/Yukito, I'm sorryyyy... I'm trying to rememberrr.... BIC.

Erin Spenser

“You know what? Let's just forget it, then. Because that's the mature thing to do, right? To just move on as if there isn't any problem?”

For a split second Erin gawked at him in disbelief that he would even suggest such a thing. "No!" she shouted back icily. "No, Yukito, there is no way I am gonna 'pretend to forget' or whatever bullcrap you're trying to pull! You know what? I still feel the way you freaking clawed into my shoulders,” she seethed, as Yukito held onto the bass like it offered some kind of protection. Or maybe, the angry part of her mind shouted over it, he was pretending the bass was her and was gripping its neck too hard. It only riled her more. ”And I swear to God if I have a bruise from what you did you better start praying hard." He wouldn't look at her. Why wouldn't he look at her?!!? "Because I am not gonna stick around and watch you fall into the statistics that say you belong there. I am not gonna be a part of that, and if you so much as put one bruise on me, then I don't care how much I love you and might want to 'pretend there's not problem' because I do not deserve to be treated that way. I might screw up sometimes and tick you off and do stupid crap, but you are not going to start treating me less than I deserve. Got it?" She moved toward him defiantly, feeling her teeth grit together hard at the sight of his movement from her. "So now what are you gonna do?" For a moment he didn't answer, still pretending like she wasn't there, and it made her want to scream. And so she did. "Look at me!!"

“Would you really do that, Erin?" he voiced finally. The coldness in his voice was going to make her sick. Or maybe it was the strong wave of dizziness strong enough that it made her want to shut her eyes, but Erin refused. "Could you promise me you'd do that?”

She only glared at him, trying to find out what he meant by asking that kind of stupid question.

“Could you honestly walk away from me and never look back? Would you believe what you just said enough to do that?”

"Of course--" she started venomously, but was cut of by his continual frantic spiral upward. “Because my mother used to say the same exact thing, and my dad would always test her on it. But she loved him too much to just walk away. Thinks he walks on a ****ing water, Erin. She met him at one of his concerts and couldn't stop coming, just to see him play and talk to him. She wanted to sing with him sometime, and he promised that they would play together sometime. He kept treating her like crap, but she made excuses for it, warning him off all the time and doing nothing about it. He'd come back, apologize, and they'd move on again.”

He paused just long enough for her to object, eyes narrowed in a deep, insulted frown. "How dare you compare us to that," she nearly growled. He was the one that didn't know her at all if he thought she was that weak-minded and desperate.

He hissed back at her, “Does it sound familiar, Erin? If the statistics are right, what are you gonna do about it? Keep smiling and saying it's not a big deal? Yell at me and forgive me tomorrow?”

"No," she snapped back, looking around half-heartedly for something to hold on to. The stool she'd just been using was nearest, so she rested her hand on that, but everything still felt like it was swimming, and she felt nauseous. You're making me sick... "I happen to like myself, Yukito, believe it or not... a skill you could certainly use some work on."

Suddenly, Yukito held up the heavy bass in her direction, arm completely extended. Erin glanced up at him, despite the fact that he was out of focus in her field of vision now. "What?"

“Hit me with it.”

Erin looked away, rolling her eyes despite the sickening effect and muttering colorful insults to him under her breath. "You've done gone and lost it now..."

“I want to know you can fight back at me if I pull this kind of crap on you.”

She stared at him blankly, in utter disbelief. He really wanted her to hit him? With that? What kind of crap would that prove?

“I'm serious, Erin...”

"No."

The tension in the air snapped and suddenly the walls were bouncing with the reverberations of his screamed, “HIT ME WITH THE ****ING GUITAR, ERIN!”

"No, I will NOT hit you with the ****ing guitar, Yukito!!" Erin screamed back, feeling the rawness in her own voice but too mad to even wince at the pain. "What the hell is wrong with you?! How the **** do you think me beating you will do anything but screw us all up more?!" She was gesturing wildly at him, losing hold of her crutch on the stool and trying quickly to regain balance, but the lightheadedness was getting worse quickly. "I don't need to prove that I can fight back because you shouldn't be doing that in the first place! You have this crazy idea that just because of him, you're doomed to fall into that, and you're not! No one makes those decisions for you but you yourself! And if you really love me you will step it up now and start treating me how I deserve all the time, not just when it's easy for you!" Somewhere in her tirade, Erin had started crying again, and it didn't do anything to help her current feeling of wooziness. She took the few steps to sit on the edge of the stage, legs dangling over but her hands tightly gripping the edge.

"Yukito, you're not like that... You're not, but you're so freaking scared you will be that you expect it from yourself. So just... don't... You're better than that, and so am I. I love you.. I do... and I expect you to try, Yukito... to try to be who you are and not who you've been told your expected to be. You're better than that, and you know it...." Her words trailed off as a wave of sickness crossed her, and she closed her eyes against the distorted dizziness and the screaming ache in her head. "I feel... bad..."

---------

Trent Fisher

As much as he tried to hide it, Trent knew Yukito was feeling the pain. Good, he'd earned it enough. "She follows you like a freakin' puppy, or your slave, and it's sick. The way you drag her on, setting her up again. You didn't see how sick you made her." His last word was punctuated with a strong shove that knocked Yukito off his little perch just enough. "And you're the one who called Erin a side-toy, not me. At least the girls I'm with know I'm not in it for the long haul. Erin? What kind of crap have you put in her head? Don't you get that she believes every single word you say?"

“I don't put crap in her head. Anyone that knows Erin understands that she comes up with ideas all on her own. She's not looking for your bullcrap blessing on our relationship, and she knows she isn't going to get one from you. Because you automatically assume you know everything.” There was no sense in pointing out the lack of logic in his argument, plus, Trent didn't really care. Right now, he just wanted to see Yukito getting what he'd earned, and he was earning more with a wrench of his wrists, shooting pangs up his arms and into his elbows., forcing his grip to falter. “And that's the difference between you and me – I am in it for the long-haul. I'm not bailing at the first sign of a problem with her. You can go screw around with girls' heads however you want, but I'm actually trying to move on from the status of school jerkwad extraordinaire.." Trent scoffed openly at that. "And even if I don't succeed, it is none of your freaking business. It's my life with Erin, and there's clearly no mention of you in that equation, you moron. You, on the other hand, were about two drinks and five minutes away from tonguing my girlfriend while she was out wasted at a 'special outing' you'd talked her into, and all you can tell me is that you 'don't want to cut the crap'. So who's the one really filling her head with crap?”

His grip on Yukito already compromised, Trent let go any notion of holding him there and pulled his fist back for a hard, impulsive punch to the side of Yukito's face. Expecting that to daze him for the moment, Trent yanked him by the shoulders until he was on the cement, pinned underneath Trent's weight. He was kneeling over him, his legs pinning Yukito's and his arms forcing his shoulders to stay flat. At least, that was the intention. "She wasn't your girlfriend, idiot," Trent spat. "She left you. Or did you forget that little detail?" Trent wanted to give him another solid punch, to his gut this time, but lifting any of his limbs would give Yukito an advantage, so instead he just tightened his grip where he held Yukito in place.

[GGJ5]

Monster - Yukirin nightmares

Yukito Maki

He had a vague notion that he had to be dreaming, since the world was spinning in tilted angles, left, then right, then left again. He was somehow driving - no, wait, he wasn't. He was in the passenger seat, and Erin was driving. The Volvo wasn't letting out its usual hum of music, though there was strangely no true silence in the vehicle. He could feel his panic rise as he watched Erin go faster and faster, and he wasn't sure what to do about it. He saw himself reach out to her, as her hands tilted the wheel uncommonly fast, chaotically turning senselessly across a road he couldn't see.

"Erin!" he called out, "Erin, stop!" Yukito reached for her hands, knowing they were going to crash. He tried to study her face, but it was blank for him. Every time he tried to focus his gaze on her the world would spin around a little faster, and he found himself twisting, turning around trying to find someplace stable to hold onto, but his hands couldn't find it.

"Yukito!" his heart stopped, and something heavy thudded against his chest. Erin was gone. Natalie was there. She was driving now, and she was glaring over at Yukito furiously. "Stop that, you're driving me crazy."

What?!

Yukito found himself staring at Natalie, the world still tilting haphazardly to some sort of rhythm he found impossible to figure out. Horror started at his fingertips and quickly grew to completely cover him and drown him in it. He knew what was going to happen. She started to bleed, her hands with the black polish and the scars still on the steering wheel seemed to display the dripping wrists with emphasis. And he could only think one thing, Did I kill you?

Natalie frowned at him, looking torn. Her face rapidly went pale, a familiar shade. Somehow, the blood started to get everywhere, and he marveled at its texture on the seat, her hair, their clothes. At some point, Yukito started screaming. Natalie started to shout something at him, her voice risen in desperacy and sadness, and a hand fell over his mouth, stifling him. The dark growl of his father's voice wasn't nearly as chilling as the way he could feel his breath, could smell it. That scent was always so potent, even in dreams, and that made it all the more terrible. If this was some whacked dream, then why was it he could still feel the sweat on his father's palms?

"Yukito..." he could hear the humor there, "You've been busy lately, haven't you? You were always a beautiful boy, I knew that. Cute and busy." The hand escaped his mouth, and something else was placed there, rough and sandpaper and cutting through until his scream started to die from the lack of air. There were sweaty palms on his shoulders, his neck, his stomach, touching him all over and burying him beneath them. "Does she scare you like I do?"

"Erin!" he shouted again, but it felt impossible to be heard from below the drowning. He sat up, his hands trying to wipe away the hands that kept coming. Yukito opened his mouth for another scream when it was crushed by the others again.

And this time he saw the face to go with it. Kagasan!? The expression was grim, then satisfied, a quiet laugh rising from the familiar mouth.

"You have big lips, ne? I like them." That hand reached out to touch his cheek, and Yukito wished the usual heat would rise and the electricity of panic would shoot through him, but the energy had already been taking out of him. Everything weighed enormously, each muscle felt made of stone, every time he brushed off the hands on him.

"No! Don't touch me! Sawaranaide!" he shouted, then the sound wiltering off into a weakened whimper, "Please...don't.." In the nasty moment between wakefulness and sleep, Yukito fought to jerk off the blankets, his arms and legs flailing as he tried to escape, his eyes open and fearful as they scanned uselessly around the room. Everything felt too warm, too dark. He was afraid, and there was no one. No one to protect him, no one to hold him, because he wouldn't let them anyway. Again, he screamed.

----------

Erin Spenser

Easily Erin had slipped into the habit of cuddling against Yukito as she slept. She didn’t do it on purpose, most times, happy usually to know he was there by her side. But sometime during her sleep she ended up nuzzling up against him more, unbeknownst to her. Usually he woke up before her, for work, for getting her up for school, so by the time she was awake enough to notice, he was too far off to hold. Had she been conscious of her little habit, Erin would have done her best to stop, knowing Yukito. But she didn’t know. And so, now she slept soundly, dreamlessly, cuddled against him peacefully, her arm holding him close to her.

She half-woke at the sound of her name. “Hmmm?” Erin shifted, trying to wake herself up. Something sounded wrong. She propped herself up on her elbows, furrowed brows intensely watching Yukito. He didn’t look right. His shadowed expression contorted, and his body acted as though it was being suffocated. Like he couldn’t get out. What do I do?

Suddenly Yukito shocked her in an incomprehensible shout, jerking severely to try to get out of the bed, at least Erin assumed so. What do I do, what do I do?!?! Her muscles felt tense, eyes wide and attempting to adjust to the darkness of the room. Help him, she thought, doing her best to reach into the tangle of his frantic appendages to relieve his form of the blankets. “Here, here, they’re off, you’re out…” Erin tried to console, her voice sounding eerie to herself in the darkened room. She wasn’t even sure if Yukito would hear her…

His response was nothing but a scream, as if her presence burned him. “Yukito!” Her face couldn’t feel more tense and strained, and already her brain was screaming in protest, head aching. She was sitting on her knees now, leaning forward onto her hands, eyes locked on Yukito. Automatically she reached out to take his hand. “Yukito, it’s okay, it’s okay, whatever happened, you’re okay…” she rushed out, completely at a loss of what to do. What had happened? Was he really hurt, or sick, or something, or what kind of a dream was it that caused him to feel so terrified? Like a trapped animal, kicked too many times by a cruel master? Come back to me… please, please don’t shirk from me…

---

Yukito Maki

Drowning, that's what it was. He was drowning in a lake that he would later discover was his own perspiration. Shouting out at the untouchable, but acutely felt ghosts in his heat, Yukito jerked in a half-slumber, trying to escape the sheets. He wasn't able to make sense of the entanglement, the light touch of the warm comforters now changed to a clammy and unwanted hand's grip. Eventually, the sea of hands was pulled away. He heard someone speaking to him, but the sounds were blurred and lost amidst the dark laughter, the smile that he could feel against his neck. He continued to push away the unseen hands, tumbling roughly toward the topside of the bed, drawing his feet beneath him and hugging his knees protectively.

"Yukito!" the voice made him shudder visibly. He couldn't place it. He didn't want to place it in his memory. There was a shadowed form before his eyes, and he could still feel it watching him, daring and threatening him. And there was nothing, nothing at all he could do about it. It would all happen, again and again, until he died from it. There wasn't anyone to protect him, and there never would be. He was too small, too weak, too stupid to fight back. All he could do was shiver and hope it wouldn't take too long. That some sort of luck might save him.

A hand fell over his, a voice muttering words he half understood. The words 'it's okay' meant so little now, but they came through for a singular, calm moment as he stared blankly ahead. But the heat washing over him, the nerves on fire, and his heartbeat thrashing against his chest all served to drag him back down under the waves, the second of clarity only serving to give him a mouthful of water, taking his breath away. Gasping as a forewarning of the scream, he pushed away the hand on his roughly, shoving at the figure that appeared to loom and sneer at him in the darkness. With a loud thud and a grunt, he tumbled from the bed and flung himself against a wall several feet away. Fingers pressing heavily against the wall behind him, he continued breathing heavily, eyes too glassy and full of blurry, frightening spots for him to see. He stood there, unable to find an escape, unable to find the window to leave by. It was in his search for the opening out that he felt the chill of the floor reaching up to grip at his bare feet, making him shiver in his pajamas. It was in those moments that he caught the dimly-lit sight of a familiar face in the shadows that looked anything but menacing. Yukito blinked stupidly for a few more moments, his breathing calming as the tears started to fall. "Erin?" he whimpered, his voice too thin and childlike. This wasn't right. Why was she looking at him like that?

Slowly, he drew his hands from the wall, peeling himself away from it as though it continued to draw him in like a magnet. His eyes fell to his hands, wet and clammy and covered in his own sweat as if he had been the only thing in the room witness to a terrible downpour. Yukito shivered and blinked harder, clutching his arms across his stomach and feeling tears, cold and gloriously clean against the sweaty cheeks. "Oh my God, Erin..." He took a step toward her, feeling worn-out and weakened. The only thing he could compare it to was the constant vomiting of having the flu, multiplied tenfold. Those sweaty hands reached up to brush away the fast-moving tears. He'd done it again. Even if the images didn't still flicker across his mind, he would have known by her expression, by the fear in her eyes. Falling to his knees onto the bed, the silent tears developed into a painful to restrain sob, deepening the fear into shame. "I'm... I'm sorry. S***, I'm sorry..." Had he hurt her? What had he said? What had he done? How much of the images that played in his masochistic mind had reached out to touch her again, and in its own way, violate her?

Yukito took in a sharp inhale that stung his throat, shuddering and unstable as he reached out gingerly to cup her cheek. "I...I'm sorry... I had a nightmare..." He felt a wave of nausea rise from the pit of his stomach, making breathe itself difficult. Yukito swore in a low voice, his head dropping. "God, it was... it was awful..." Knowingly, Yukito's hands flew to Erin's, gently but firmly taking hold of her wrists. "Hold on a moment. I don't know if you can touch me yet," he whispered, his voice breaking with the hurried words. "Please..." He inhaled too quickly, and tried to let out a practiced exhale. The action merely succeeded in sending more tears down his cheeks, making his vision swim. He tried to lay his finger on what had happened. Erin, driving them into certain death and him unable to see her. Natalie...bleeding, angry at him and bitter. The crimson color in his head splattering across the dark seats made his stomach churn. His father. Kagasan. Why had they all been there? Why had his mind teamed up with these images against him, intent on murdering him in his sleep? With a gasp that preceded more intense sobs, Yukito fell onto Erin's lap, burying his face in his hands as his whole body was ravaged by the crying, hurting him and not making anything better. "Oh my God. Touch me, Erin. Talk to me and touch me. Brush my hair." It sounded so idiotic, especially in the congested, frantic, begging way he demanded it, practically snatching up her hand and forcing it to his hair. "Please, please.."

--------------

Erin Spenser

His hand felt too clammy in hers, but it didn’t take Yukito long to thrust her hand away from him, like it burned him, as awful sounds met her ears. It was a cacophony, a hurricane for him to fly back from her, the dull thud signifying his place against the far wall. And as much as she tried, no words were coming out of Erin’s mouth. She wanted to call him again, to beg him to come back, to ask him what was wrong and take it all away for him and make him feel better again, but she was scared. If that happened when she had just tried to hold his hand… A thought occurred to her then. She had felt her hand slipping from around him as she had awoken. Oh God… it’s because of me… She sat there, frozen in the moment, terrified that her next move would only hurt him worse, aching over the guilt that her stupid, sleepy actions could have caused such a… a… she didn’t even know what it was! Tell me what’s wrong! Please, you have to tell me what’s going on! “Please!” The cry came out in a tiny near-whisper, its speaker crouched on her knees, eyes unable to leave him.

"Erin?"

She only looked at him pleadingly, worriedly, still unable to find words at the sound of his thin voice. What happened? Are you hurt? Did I hurt you? Will you come back to me?

Was he crying? It was so hard to tell… He was, though, wasn’t he? Was he trying to break her heart like this? she wondered. "Oh my God, Erin..." He took a step toward her, and immediately Erin sat up, hands open to receive him if he wanted her. What else could she do? “Yukito…”

He was definitely crying, and it was definitely heartbreaking. How could one person hurt so much, and just from sleep? Why did it have to be him? Why couldn’t it be someone terrible that deserved it? Not someone like him… "I'm... I'm sorry. S***, I'm sorry..."

Erin just shook her head briefly, squinting her eyes and feeling the tears she didn’t know were there before, grateful they didn’t spill over. No good if both of them were bawling, especially since she still had no idea what was really going on. “Wha… what… are you… are you okay?” I’m so scared for you now… please be okay…

She felt his hand hardly on her cheek, cold from his sudden sweat. "I...I'm sorry... I had a nightmare..."

Her eyes widened a little. That was a nightmare? “Are—are you sure that’s all, ‘cause, Yukito…”

Yukito swore, his voice low, head dropping. "God, it was... it was awful..."Before she could react completely, his hands were holding her wrists, enough to tell her not to wrench them away. But how was she supposed to comfort him if she couldn’t even touch him? Idiot, your touch is what probably started it all. “Hold on a moment. I don't know if you can touch me yet," he whispered, his voice breaking with the hurried words. "Please..."

Erin just nodded fervently, the gnawing feeling of guilt and desire to do anything she could do help him coupling into making her eager to agree with whatever he said. As long as it would make it better. Even if she felt utterly useless. And responsible. God, it was so wrenching to hear the fright in his very breathing…

Suddenly he was sobbing again, more real and painful and torn than Erin could have possibly imagined seeing or hearing coming from him… How could one person hurt so much? One person so wonderful know so much pain? It was just too wrong… Why? He had fallen into her lap, sending Erin into a moment of bewilderedness and deep concern as his form jerked with each breath. Her hands hovered briefly, scared that if she touched him now he could break, but not knowing what else to do. Once more, suddenly, Yukito’s hands tugged on hers, making her touch him, touching his head and demanding desperately, "Oh my God. Touch me, Erin. Talk to me and touch me. Brush my hair." She nodded, bewildered, trying her best to follow his instructions. “Of course…”

"Please, please.."

“I am, Yukito,” Erin said, her fingers feeling the familiar textures of his disheveled hair. “I will, as much as—as you want me to. You just tell me when to stop, when you don’t want me any more, okay? But as long as you want to, I will… I love you… I’m so sorry, Yukito…” Her fingers played with a strand of his hair behind his ear, hoping to make it better in some way. “I’m so sorry… I—I was—I was holding you when we were sleeping… I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry… I love you…”

-------------------------

Yukito Maki

“Please!” the quietness of the room competing with the thrash of the blood rushing through his skull held no sway over that half-whispered word, the desperacy of it. The way it didn't understand, but needed to. He could hear the pain and betrayal in it, and it made him stop the frantic search for escape. He saw her, still in the bed, disheveled and wide eyes watching him.

"Erin?" he murmured the word as a child would have, and she merely continued watching him, as though he had said something she never expected him to. There was no way for him to know what he had said, or done, while his nightmares held their power over him. He dreaded the worst. What if he had said something horrible he couldn't take back, couldn't go to her and apologize for? Couldn't claim wasn't a reality for him? The tears had started to flow, the burning behind his eyes overwhelming in their persistence. "Oh my God, Erin..." He took a step toward her, unsure but moved to venture closer.

As though a gateway had been opened to her with the singular step, she sat up and held her hands open to receive him. “Yukito…” A lonely word for her to whisper in the dim light, the heaviness of the night weighing down on them both, dragging his feet to the floor, and pulling the tears out with more determination, more swiftness. The vision of her started to blur, and he quickly blinked to clear it away.

"I'm... I'm sorry. S***, I'm sorry..." She just shook her head, and he moved onto the bed, to the edge of it, needing to feel her closer.

“Wha… what… are you… are you okay?” There was so much worry in her voice, the edges of panic still making each note in her voice rise and fall in such a way that kept him steady for just a moment longer, letting him get his breath back. He had to explain, and he needed to ask, if he had done something to hurt her. If he had, he would never quite forgive himself for it.

"I...I'm sorry... I had a nightmare..."

Her eyes widened a little, perhaps disbelievingly. “Are—are you sure that’s all, ‘cause, Yukito…”

Obviously, he'd done something to make her worried. Had he pushed her? Had he screamed at her? Had he hit her, either on accident or on purpose? He hadn't made it far enough to get to the window, but he wasn't sure what that meant. Yukito swore, his voice low, head dropping. "God, it was... it was awful..." Before she could react completely, his hands were holding her wrists, enough to tell her not to wrench them away. That she couldn't...shouldn't. “Hold on a moment. I don't know if you can touch me yet," he whispered, his voice breaking with the hurried words. "Please..."

Erin nodded, waiting while he tried to catch his breath again into something even. It didn't work. Yukito dropped his head into her lap, the sobs coming as he remembered yet again that raw feeling in the middle of him, and realized just how low he had fallen. Like an animal. A stupid, frightened animal who had no coherent thoughts, only this ridiculous paranoia, a nameless and senseless. The side of him he'd been hoping and praying wouldn't be seen anymore, especially in front of Erin. He had wished that part of him to be a mere memory to explain to her, a shadow in a photo they wouldn't have to touch on as deeply as he had had to once. The need for comfort rose in his throat as it was sliced through with his gasps and rock-hard sobs, and he pulled on her hands, pulling them to his hair and burying her fingertips in the dark tangle there. "Oh my God. Touch me, Erin. Talk to me and touch me. Brush my hair." I need to know that I'm back, and that part is over now.Ineed to know it's just you, touching me in a way no one ever will except the ones closest to me.

“Of course…” Her fingers slowly started to dance across his scalp, brushing aside the hair there into opposing directions. He closed his eyes and started to see the spectre-like forms of his dreams, making his face pinch tightly against a hollow pain, his lip trembling uncontrollably. "Please, please.."he begged with more need, letting his voice crackle and splinter with his loss of control.

“I am, Yukito,” Erin said, her fingers trailing rhythmically now, lulling the constriction in his head enough to let him gasp as he began to calm. “I will, as much as—as you want me to. You just tell me when to stop, when you don’t want me any more, okay? But as long as you want to, I will… I love you… I’m so sorry, Yukito…” Her fingers played with a strand of his hair behind his ear, his eyes not squeezed shut so tightly now. He still couldn't think straight enough to understand her words, only to hear the soothing, familiar quality of them behind her concern. “I’m so sorry… I—I was—I was holding you when we were sleeping… I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry… I love you…”

Yukito tried to answer but was caught off guard by the reality of that. It made his shoulder start to shake again in a dry sob until he forced himself to inhale sharply. His cheek against her lap, he tried speaking. He didn't sound like himself. "There's no way of knowing what will set it off. Sometimes a noise... a door... a touch... or nothing. It's n-not your fault. I thought they were over.." Lifting his tear-stained face to meet her fearful eyes, he managed to say through the stuffiness of a heavy cry, "Did I... hurt you, Erin?"

---------------

Erin Spenser

"Oh my God. Touch me, Erin,” Yukito begged, thrusting her hands into his hair. “Talk to me and touch me. Brush my hair.”

“Of course…” Erin responded immediately, feeling his hair against her palms, clueless as to how it would hlp but desperate to do anything to make it better. To take him back, to make him feel okay again. Yukito was still begging her weakly, though, and she willed herself not to start crying with him. They couldn’t both cry. They couldn’t. He needed her.

“I am, Yukito,” Erin said, the movements of her fingers not ceasing. It was so above her head, this whole thing, she felt so lost, but whatever he said he needed, whatever he wanted from her, whatever she could do… She would do it. Her throat gave the signal of pain, warning her that she was choking up. “I will, as much as—as you want me to. You just tell me when to stop, when you don’t want me any more, okay? But as long as you want to, I will… I love you… I’m so sorry, Yukito…”Her fingers played with a strand of his hair behind his ear as the guilt pushed her stronger. He wouldn’t want to hear it, but it would be so, so wrong of her not to let him know… not to tell him why he’d had such a terrible dream… “I’m so sorry… I—I was—I was holding you when we were sleeping… I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry… I love you…” Please don’t hate me… I didn’t mean to, I never mean to… it just… happened… I love you…

It only made it worse—her confession. She should have known. She had known. And now she’d caused him even more pain. He was shaking in her arms now, in her lap where he’d fallen so desperate. Finally he managed to tell her, "There's no way of knowing what will set it off. Sometimes a noise... a door... a touch... or nothing. It's n-not your fault. I thought they were over.." Erin wanted to believe him, but it was hard. It was hard to think her clinging to him didn’t spark it. It was hard to think her stupid, freakish need to have contact with him even though she knew better than to do that to him had nothing to do with it. Wasn’t the entire source of it. She knew better. She should have acted like it. He looked up at her, and she was scared she’d done something else to hurt him. Erin was just waiting.

"Did I... hurt you, Erin?" he choked out, and immediately Erin shook her head, ignoring the wave of dizziness and light she saw in her eyes.

“No,” she replied emphatically. No, he hadn’t hurt her physically, not really. But if he asked emotionally… pushing her away from him hadn’t felt very good, to say the least. “No, I’m fine, I’m just… I’m worried about you… Yukito…” It’s my fault… my stupid, stupid fault for not being able to keep stupid distance… I know you hate it when I say it, so I can only think it—I’m so stupid! Despite her greatest willpower, gravity won over and pulled some of the water form her eyes. Her hands still felt his hair, so she couldn’t wipe it away, and so she just looked at him, completely weighed down with guilt, completely twisted with worry. “Are you gonna be okay? Do you want the light on? We can stay up and talk for a while if you want… or not talk… or whatever you want…” Erin bit her lip to stop the gush of words.

---------------

Yukito Maki

"There's no way of knowing what will set it off. Sometimes a noise... a door... a touch... or nothing. It's n-not your fault. I thought they were over.." The stupid stutter cut into the sentence, startlingly sharp next to the slurred syllables and tear-riddled words. Yukito looked up at her, seeing the look in her eyes, the fear still lingering there beneath her lashes. She just watched him, waiting. And he wasn't sure how to say what he was feeling. Eventually, he choked out, "Did I...hurt you, Erin?" He was afraid of her response, afraid that he had. And he couldn't really apologize for it if he had - he'd had no control. He couldn't take it back, either...

Immediately, Erin shook her head at him. Relief flooded over him even as the pangs in his throat continued with more fervor. “No,” she replied emphatically. “No, I’m fine, I’m just… I’m worried about you… Yukito…” He heard the catch in her voice, looked up closer into her eyes. When he saw the light gleam on a little tear on her face, he lifted himself up until his face was a breath's distance away from hers.

"Erin.." he murmured, her hands still in his hair, so he reached up to brush it away with the back of his finger.

“Are you gonna be okay? Do you want the light on? We can stay up and talk for a while if you want… or not talk… or whatever you want…” Erin bit her lip, cutting off her words from continuing. It broke something in him to see her like this, and know it was him, again and again.

"I'm okay. I woke up. I always wake up," he breathed, brushing her hair back, trying to pull himself back into a mode of reassurance for her sake. But the twisting in his gut wouldn't lax, wouldn't let go of him. If she dropped her hands, he would probably crumble again. "I'm sorry, Erin. I'm sorry... I'm gonna be okay. I don't need the light. I just need..." He dropped his head until his forehead leaned against her shoulder, inhaling sharply as her scent rose to him. Yukito murmured an oath or two, shaking his head to rid his lashes of the tears still clinging to them. "Everyone was there this time. Everyone was there, and they were all scaring the hell out of me. I didn't know what to do. Then he was there, and I couldn't do anything." He sniffed, tried to breathe, and found himself starting to calm again, his voice letting up on the strain a little and dropping to the floor. "You were in it. I think you were in it, too. In the beginning. And I didn't know what to do. Then..." Then Natalie took your place. And it was the scariest thing that's ever happened to me.

------------

Erin Spenser

"Did I... hurt you, Erin?" Yukito choked out, causing another sad-sounding twinge inside of Erin. He shouldn’t even have to ask… he shouldn’t even have to feel so afraid…

Immediately, Erin shook her head. “No, no, I’m fine, I’m just…” Her brow crinkled in concern. “I’m worried about you… Yukito…” Her next words caught in her throat and she felt the tears slip onto her face, despite her own best efforts to hold them back. Unexpectedly Yukito lifted his face to hers, Erin unwilling to let go of him now. She hoped that was okay…

"Erin.." He briefly brushed away the tear that had snuck out, and she blinked hart, determined not to add any more tears to the collection. Her stomach was in knots already, and her head started to throb. How much could your heart break for a person?

“Are you gonna be okay? Do you want the light on? We can stay up and talk for a while if you want… or not talk… or whatever you want…” Erin bit her lip, hoping to stop herself before saying the wrong thing.

"I'm okay. I woke up. I always wake up," he responded, though the words didn’t make total sense to her. Of course he would always wake up… She nodded anyway.

"I'm sorry, Erin. I'm sorry... I'm gonna be okay. I don't need the light. I just need..." Need what? Whatever you need, I’ll give you it… whatever you need… just tell me, I’ll do it. Yukito dropped his head to her shoulder, taking a shuddery breath and cursing. And all she could do was hold him. How useless… He couldn’t see it, but more tears came from Erin’s eyes now. "Everyone was there this time. Everyone was there, and they were all scaring the hell out of me. I didn't know what to do. Then he was there, and I couldn't do anything."

Words were failing her. Why did such horrible things have to happen to such a wonderful person? How did anyone expect her to be any help to him? “Oh, Yukito…” she breathed, wishing kisses could make it all better, but they didn’t…

"You were in it. I think you were in it, too. In the beginning. And I didn't know what to do. Then..."

Her eyes widened a little. Did he mean the dream-her had hurt him somehow, too? How could his mind make him see such a thing? How could it do that to them? “Yukito, I would never want to hurt you… Never, never, okay? I love you too much. I love you. I want the best for you, I… I do…” I want to keep you safe...

----------------

Yukito Maki

"I'm okay. I woke up. I always wake up," he responded. She nodded absently. Yukito reached up to brush away the hair from her face, seeing the concern still in her eyes. "I'm sorry, Erin. I'm sorry... I'm gonna be okay. I don't need the light. I just need..." Yukito dropped his head to her shoulder, taking a shuddery breath and cursing. She seemed distanced from him still, and he felt too tired and too stretched out to do anything but try to reach out to her again. "Everyone was there this time. Everyone was there, and they were all scaring the hell out of me. I didn't know what to do. Then he was there, and I couldn't do anything."

“Oh, Yukito…” she breathed. Her voice was soft and purposeless, and he wished she'd keep talking. Why was she so quiet? He hated it being so quiet.

"You were in it," he mumbled as his voice started veering toward normal again, as the defenses started to pick up all the pieces of his self-control and put him back together again. "I think you were in it, too. In the beginning. And I didn't know what to do. Then..." Natalie.

“Yukito, I would never want to hurt you… Never, never, okay? I love you too much. I love you. I want the best for you, I… I do…”

Yukito didn't respond at first. It was like she was apologizing again. And she hadn't done anything wrong. The waves beneath his skin had been rolling and attacking his very core. He hadn't been himself. Just a shell, a frightened, animalistic shell. Because of an image his mind had conjured up for itself. Yukito looked up toward the window, transfixed by the soft light spilling in, reaching toward the bed, and them. He was starting to feel guilty. Not because he'd woken up, not because he'd dreamt - he knew those things were beyond his control, as much as he would wish otherwise. He felt guilty because in his dream, Natalie had taken Erin's place. Or had it been the other way around? The details and order started to mingle and mix in his mind, and he blinked hard, trying to get back to some sort of understanding.

He couldn't lie to himself if he said he didn't miss Natalie. All the time. That he didn't think about her. It hurt that he still didn't feel like he could talk to Erin about her. It was as if an important piece of him was being shoved underneath the bed. All the memories he'd made with her, all the things he'd cared about in her, were hidden and shameful now, an illegal substance that he wasn't even allowed to think about. And she had turned up anyways, in his subconscious, infuriated at him that he hadn't given her the one thing she would have wanted - to be remembered. Erin had no idea how much of Natalie was in 'her Yukito' now. How many little things, big things, unnoticed things, that Natalie had led into the light of the Yukito now.

As if that was much to talk about. He was still curled up in front of her on the bed, tears still on their faces and his beginning to cool and fade away. "You were driving," he said slowly, then moving away from her to return to his side of the bed, trying to prove he wasn't defenseless as he had once been. He could recover. He could go back to Yukito, animal instinct or not. "The Volvo. Scared the **** out of me with your crazy driving." A beat. "And you weren't even buckled or anything."

---------------

OOC: Erin decided she still likes to steal his shirts sometimes… Tell me if you veto this decision. (: BIC:

Erin Spenser

"Everyone was there this time,” Yukito was saying, as Erin sat there, reeling inside, trying to find out what she was supposed to do… She felt so lost. And he needed someone who knew how to get unlost… “Everyone was there, and they were all scaring the hell out of me. I didn't know what to do. Then he was there, and I couldn't do anything."

“Oh, Yukito…” Why can’t we just take away these memories for you? Why do you have to be the one that hurts so much?

"You were in it," he said, and more guilt washed over her. She’d been in it because she’d been too stubborn and needy to let go of him, even in her sleep. Stupid, stupid…! She knew he didn’t want to be touched and held the same way she did—he was different, but her stupid sleeping self wouldn’t get that and leave him alone, and so his subconscious fought back. Stupid me… "I think you were in it, too. In the beginning. And I didn't know what to do. Then..."

“Yukito, I would never want to hurt you… Never, never, okay? I love you too much. I love you. I want the best for you, I… I do…” They sounded like empty words, but they weren’t… God, she sucked at words, didn’t she? All she wanted was to hold him until he felt better, but it was what made him feel bad in the first place… Erin jut hoped he believed her, knew how serious she was.

Yukito’s eyes were away from her, distant. She followed his glance briefly toward the window, the nighttime light giving just enough illumination to see one another. To have seen the petrified terror in his eyes. To see fear that should never have to be there.

Erin’s hand still moved gently behind his ear, mussing the fringes of his disheveled hair. Wishing the simple, dry gesture could fix anything. Instead, it did nothing—nothing but taunt her. This is all you can do. "You were driving," Yukito said slowly, shifting away from her. Erin’s face fell—at the sudden distance, and coldness at the spot he’d vacated, and at her role she’d clearly played in causing him such fear. She bit her lip, glancing at him, anxious. "The Volvo. Scared the **** out of me with your crazy driving." She smiled weakly, hoping he was joking. Am I really that bad? I thought I was good… “Just ‘cause it’s not like yours…”

"And you weren't even buckled or anything."

Now that made Erin send him a dubious look. That kind of a dream, even if it had ended in a bad result, shouldn’t get that kind of reaction… even her own bad dreams weren’t so bad, and she was sure she was more emotional than Yukito. “Yukito… Are—I mean, I…” She shrugged, playing with the sleeve of the shirt she’d “stolen” from Yukito, de-crumpling it from the folds of sleep. “I don’t think that’s all it was, was it?” It came out more of a statement than Erin intended. She was quiet for a moment, shifting, feeling suddenly self-conscious and useless for even trying to sound like she knew what she was talking about. “You—you know, you can tell me, if you want. Not even about the rest of it if you don’t want to… but… about whatever… if something’s bothering you or something… You can just talk. It’s fine. Or… whatever.” Erin watched him closely, keeping her open hand close to his. Hold it of you want. If it makes you feel better. Please. Don’t leave me anymore…

-----------------

Yukito Maki

There hung a long silence between them for a long time. His mind wandered while he stared off at the window. Most of the time after a nightmare, he'd end up beneath it. Had he ever told Erin that? It seemed like something important, something to tell her. But he wasn't sure...he was never quite sure of himself anymore. By the time Erin's hand moved to brush away his hair again, he was calm enough to only stiffen momentarily under the light touch of her fingertips. "You were driving," Yukito said slowly, shifting away from her. He went to crawl under the blankets into his usual spot on the bed. "The Volvo. Scared the **** out of me with your crazy driving." They exchanged a little smile.

“Just ‘cause it’s not like yours…”she murmured.

"And you weren't even buckled or anything." He rolled his eyes, not sure if she'd seen it. The way her face elongated under the blurry, bluish moonlight, he didn't think so.

“Yukito… Are—I mean, I…”She shrugged, playing with the sleeve of one of his shirts that she'd worn to bed. “I don’t think that’s all it was, was it?”

He remained silent, watching her. You don't think that's all it was. So you tellme... was it? Yukito believed she knew him enough by now to know it was always more than that. She was smart enough to know a normal nightmare didn't send people careening out of their beds, and she knew it wasn't like him to be so affected by something that wasn't even real.

“You—you know, you can tell me, if you want. Not even about the rest of it if you don’t want to… but… about whatever… if something’s bothering you or something… You can just talk. It’s fine. Or… whatever.” Erin watched him closely, searching his face for more information, something to go off of. She was always trying to reach out to him, struggling to understand all that he kept locked up. Erin was practically an open door. Everyone had their secrets, of course, and she was no immunity to fears...but it was different. Hers were explainable, able to be overcome. With enough time, she would let him in.

Why hadn't it been enough time for him?

Yukito shifted over toward her, leaning forward to take both her shoulder and move her until she was leaning with her back against him. Wrapping his arms around her, in a way mirroring their little outdoor picnic when she'd surprised him with curry under the open sky, he let out a sigh. Yukito opened his mouth to tell her what it had been, what was wrong, and realized he didn't know where to start. A long emptiness in the air ensued, swirling around him with all the possibilities while he sat on the bed with himself wrapped around Erin, his chin resting lightly on her shoulder. “I dunno...You were just there. It's not like I think of you driving like a maniac. But in my dream, you were, and...” he lifted one shoulder slightly, “I had no control over it. I knew we were gonna get hurt but I couldn't do anything about it, and..” He realized that was exactly what it had felt like. Out of control. He buried his face into her neck, catching a stronger wave of her scent, sufficiently distracting him from the tight constriction in his throat and making him relax, smiling. “You smell nice. I like it when you steal my shirts because then my shirt smells like you all day long.” His smile faded, and a beat passed. “I guess I'm like you on your meds right after I wake up. I couldn't lie to you right now if I tried. I feel so tired...” He sighed again, encasing each of her hands separately in his own, covering them like he was protecting them from something. “Erin...if you could ask me about anything and you know I won't lie, what would you ask me?”

He lifted his face to stare out the window past her cheek once again. In a low voice, he murmured, “What's one thing you never told anyone about yourself? Something you'll only share with me?”

---------

Erin Spenser

Yukito tried to console her. At least, Erin supposed that was what it was-- the oversimplified summary of his dream. It didn't explain the terror in his eyes, in his actions. He wouldn't want to talk about it, either. He never did, and this-- this would be especially hard. Erin's initial urge was not to pry-- what business was it of hers what went on in his head? But then it was her business now, when it was something that hurt Yukito as much as this nightmare. He had become such a part of her, that most of his business felt like hers, too. It had gotten to the point where it felt just plain wrong and hurtful if she didn't "pry." So Erin tried to start, hesitatingly, “Yukito… Are—I mean, I…” She shrugged, unsure, fiddling with the sleeve of Yukito's shirt. Now feeling self-conscious for taking it to sleep in. “I don’t think that’s all it was, was it?”

His response was just a silent stare in her direction. In the darkness, she had no hope of knowing what that look meant. Maybe she shouldn't have asked. It was probably more about her, or prompted by her anyway, since she'd been so close to him as he'd slept. If she'd just kept to herself, there wouldn't be an issue. If she just had her own bed, or her own room, or… another house… she couldn't bother him this way anymore. She wouldn't want to cuddle so close to him when he was asleep and vulnerable like that. She wouldn't want to cry because she was scared it would never be anything more. Maybe this whole living-together thing was a really bad idea… if it hurts you like this… Maybe I shouldn't have jumped on it so fast… The thought constricted her throat, and she wanted to cry because of it, but there was no denying he sincerity in her question.

She paused, and tried again. “You—you know, you can tell me, if you want. Not even about the rest of it if you don’t want to… but… about whatever… if something’s bothering you or something… You can just talk. It’s fine. Or… whatever.”

To Erin's great surprise, Yukito answered not by words but by silent movement. Really, it wasn't the silence that surprised her-- it was typical of him, she knew now and well. It was that after everything he must have felt, Yukito's reaction was to pull her closer, leaning her back into him. His arms encircled her, and Erin bit her lip in the darkness, wishing she could enjoy being this close to him without the heavy, persistent lead weight of guilt slinking through her form. His sigh blew some of her looser strands of hair to tickle the side of her cheek, and Erin brushed them away. She felt the light pressure of his chin on her shoulder, and in the silence and the darkness, Erin began fidgeting with her fingers around the hem of the stolen shirt. Why did the silence have to be so loud? It felt like her ears were ringing.

Finally, his voice broke the ringing quiet. “I dunno...You were just there. It's not like I think of you driving like a maniac. But in my dream, you were, and… I had no control over it. I knew we were gonna get hurt but I couldn't do anything about it, and..”

Yukito paused, and Erin felt her heart sinking lower. "I knew we were gonna get hurt but I couldn't do anything about it." Is that what we're like, me and you? Is that a wacked out warning from you brain that we're just one big disaster?

His face buried closer, making Erin's anxious stomach jolt. It was all too confusing--he could do that, he could kiss her lips, he could hold her to him, but random gestures and touches would hurt him, and she could never figure out what to do… She could never figure out what hurt and what didn't, and her holding him had started it tonight, despite his attempt to gloss it over. Erin was thankful, at least, that he couldn't see her face etched in guilt and concern. “You smell nice," he said, prompting a look of surprise from her. Of all things to say… "I like it when you steal my shirts because then my shirt smells like you all day long.”

A faint smile lifted the corners of her mouth just slightly. She liked to wear them because it smelt like him all night long.

When she didn't answer, Yukito continued. “I guess I'm like you on your meds right after I wake up. I couldn't lie to you right now if I tried. I feel so tired...” He sighed again, and Erin didn't protest that hse'd quit taking that mess as soon as she could stand the feeling in her stomach. Yukito held her hands in his, the familiar calluses on his fingers silently reminding her of just one reason why he so enamored her. “Erin...if you could ask me about anything and you know I won't lie, what would you ask me?”

She pursed her lips, closing her eyes tight. Don't ask me that, she wanted to say. Because what I want to know is too much. "Do you think we could ever get married, really?" or "Do you think my wanting to hug you, hold you, kiss you and everything so much is weird? Because I do…" or "Are we ever gonna get better?" or "When do I hurt you? How can I stop it? Even if it'll hurt me to do it?" Finally, Erin voiced meekly, "I don't know… I…" Her lip quivered, and she bit it again, angrily. The questions continued in her head. "Am I as good as she was? Do you miss her? Would you miss me that much? Do you like kissing me better, or her? Do you wish you could have lived with her, married her, had a life with her? Or are we only here now because you had to lose her and carry that wound the rest of your life?"

"Do you-- Does it make it harder for you, with everything, having me here?"

“What's one thing you never told anyone about yourself? Something you'll only share with me?”

Erin shifted a little, uncomfortable, pulling slightly away from him. "I don't know, Yukito," she muttered. Lied. The truth was she did know. But she couldn't tell him. Yes, something only you need to know. Well, you see, Yukito, sometimes I want to be with you more. Sometimes I don't want to stop kissing you. Sometimes I want to do more than that, and I shouldn't. I shouldn't, because I know things are hard for you. And because it's weird for me to be so freakishly touchy-feely. I think I was supposed to be born a guy or something… It's all wrong. Something's wrong with me. Do you think something's wrong with me? Because I think there is. And I don't think that sharing this home with you, that sleeping beside you and everything, is helping it at all. And it's all wrong of me. Because I know it hurts you. But I'm scared, Yukito. I'm scared this right here is all we'll ever be. I'm scared we can never be a real couple, a real family, that I can never share your name or hear the words, 'You may kiss the bride', to go on a honeymoon with you, to become parents together, to become grandparents together… I'm scared we will never be anything close than this. And Yukito, I love you. I love you like mad. You are the most wonderful thing that has happened to me. But I'm scared that this is all we can ever be… And it's all my fault…"

But she couldn't say any of that. She couldn't. Not even to him. Especially not to him.

Suddenly the urge to disappear from the room seized her, and Erin wanted to hide away. The nearest room was the bathroom. She could go in there and shut the door and cry into herself. But the fear that another blowout would happen thanks to her "runaway" kept her from moving very far. Instead, she shifted to the edge of the bed opposite him, curled her knees up close to her, and stared at the darkness she found there. "I dunno what you want me to tell you, Yukito.." she commented, trying to feel casual, to sound casual. Like she wasn't hurting inside. But she wasn't as good at that when the hurt was real. Erin hoped she'd improved. "Um… I've never been on a plane. We always drive the really long drives up to visit my dad's family, 'cause… I don't want to think about being on a plane. It's stupid, but whatever… But that's not what you were asking me," she tacked on sullenly. "All right… uh… the first real boyfriend I had turned out to like boys better, and the only reason he dated me because he was too scared to admit it… But I didn't know that. I thought he liked me. We were friends. But he wouldn't kiss me." She shrugged. "Whatever. Finding him with who he really wanted sucked, but at least I knew then that he hadn't wanted me at all." Another shrug. "I know that's not really what you wanted either…" But it's all I can say.

----------------------------

Yukito Maki

He pulled her closer, breathing in her scent and tried to offer her some sort of warmth and comfort. Yukito held his breath for the moment her muscles would relax and she would lean hard against him, nearly toppling him if he didn't prop himself up. But she didn't lax, still with that strain of tension through her he believed he could sense if he held still long enough and mentally reached out for it. He rambled through an explanation of his dream, burying his face in her, breathing in Erin and letting out a sigh. “You smell nice.” He almost chuckled into the dark when he felt her turn toward him, glancing up at her to see the surprised expression on her face.“I like it when you steal my shirts because then my shirt smells like you all day long.” She smiled down at him. It was a little moment, just a little one, but it was easier to deal with than the previous ones, and the ones that came after.

“I guess I'm like you on your meds right after I wake up. I couldn't lie to you right now if I tried. I feel so tired...” He sighed again, encasing each of her hands separately in his own, covering them like he was protecting them from something. “Erin...if you could ask me about anything and you know I won't lie, what would you ask me?”

Of course there was a moment before she answered. It was a strange question, quietly asked. Half of him believed she was going to pretend she hadn't heard him. When she did speak, he could hear the meekness in her voice, the fear that still lingered there. He looked down at their hands, the strain too much to crane his neck to look at her, and not wanting to see her expression this time. He hadn't forgotten the look on her face when he'd overreacted at Cassie's birthday party, with her mother's boyfriend. Yukito hadn't forgotten how he had gotten out of hand. He didn't remember Erin saying anything to him after that. He didn't remember her reaching out to touch his shoulder, or ask if he was okay. Probably because it wasn't customary to ask how a person was when you were scared of them. He'd scared her. And even if she had now come to trust him more, and had stayed with him, there was still moments he was sure she was still as scared. There were still moments he wondered if she stayed because she was afraid of what he would do if she didn't.

"I don't know… I…"Her voice trembled slightly,"Do you-- Does it make it harder for you, with everything, having me here?"

Yukito looked over at her in surprise. “What? No, no it doesn't. If anything, it's been easier with you here.” Well, that wasn't entirely true. There was a more pressing need to overcome his touching issues. There was almost an urgency in him to gain the ability for her to surprise him with hugs anytime and not worry about it. In a lot of ways, there had been some hard moments to deal with. But to Yukito, if he could only gain the sort of ease that Erin always had, it would have been worth it. She made it seem so easy to do, to hold another person....to be close to people...He lifted his face to stare out the window past her cheek once again. In a low voice, he murmured, “What's one thing you never told anyone about yourself? Something you'll only share with me?”

She shifted, pulling away from him. It seemed like more than just a physical shift."I don't know, Yukito,"she muttered.

“Please tell me...” he whispered, starting to tighten his hold on her when she came out of his embrace completely, moving across the bed. Yukito tried to resist, but he had to shudder at the sudden chill he felt in the room. Maybe it was too much to ask of her, to deal with him like this. With his mother it had been one thing. He'd always feel guilty because he couldn't even control himself and his nightmares, the way he couldn't get close to her. But with his mother it had been partly her fault, he could blame it on her. Erin hadn't done anything but cared about him.

"I dunno what you want me to tell you, Yukito.."she commented. All he wanted to tell her wasThe truth, Erin. Tell me the truth...."Um… I've never been on a plane. We always drive the really long drives up to visit my dad's family, 'cause… I don't want to think about being on a plane. It's stupid, but whatever…”Yukito just sent her a blank look.”But that's not what you were asking me. All right… uh… the first real boyfriend I had turned out to like boys better, and the only reason he dated me because he was too scared to admit it… But I didn't know that. I thought he liked me. We were friends. But he wouldn't kiss me."She shrugged. As if that would turn it into nothing."Whatever. Finding him with who he really wanted sucked, but at least I knew then that he hadn't wanted me at all."Another shrug. "I know that's not really what you wanted either…"

Yukito didn't say anything for a long time. He turned his head away from her, staring at the doorway to their room. Without realizing he was mimicking her, Yukito drew his knees up to his chest, laying his chin on his kneecaps. He couldn't imagine how she must have felt that day, finding him with someone else. And not just anybody else. Another guy. He suppressed another shudder. He just couldn't imagine....

“I'm sorry, Erin...” he mumbled, “You didn't deserve that. I mean, how could...” Yukito frowned, then. He knew that didn't make up for any of it, and it wouldn't make her feel any better. All he could think of now was that perhaps that was why she had acted so strange when they first went out, acting like he was doing some huge favor. And all the accusations of there being someone else...they made more sense now. Erin had been cut deeply from the first guy. And Yukito knew more than anything that the first time to have been cut always leaves the deepest scar. His fingers played at a tear in the knee of his dark-blue pajama pants, and he struggled against a telltale yawn in vain. “I remember the first time you kissed me. You took me completely by surprise. It was probably one of the last things I expected you to do...” he turned to look at her, “But not because I didn't like you. I couldn't believe anyone had noticed me like that. I found out then that you really weren't just looking around the room with a smile on your face for nothing. You look at people. You see them. And you saw me, too. And whatever you thought you saw, you liked it. Basically, you said it was okay for me to like you...” he made a confused face, “That doesn't make much sense, does it?” Yukito let out a sigh, and shifted until he was sitting next to her. “I love when you kiss me. It reminds me that you saw me back then.” He leaned forward until his forehead brushed against hers, silently asking for permission to get closer to her again. “Erin, I'm sorry...I'm sorry he used you like that. That he knew he could do that because you were so willing to trust him and care about him, and that he used the fact that you saw him, too... I wish I could take that away for you..” There was a pause, then curiosity crept back into Yukito's voice as he slowly murmured, “...And why do planes have to do with anything?”

Continued...................

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

She wished she could melt into his embrace and forget how she felt. But the fact that he was so close to hew now made it impossible to forget how she felt-- it would only make it worse. And she felt guilty. Her own stupid mannerisms and quirks and wants were what had triggered it all… “Erin…" Yukito started. "If you could ask me about anything and you know I won't lie, what would you ask me?”

"I don't know… I…" She knew. I just can't say…. "Do you-- Does it make it harder for you, with everything, having me here?"

“What? No, no it doesn't. If anything, it's been easier with you here.”

"Really?" she pressed quietly. He sounded like he meant it. He probably did. But how could it be so easy for him? How come it wasn't as easy for her?

Yukito was so quiet that when he did start speaking, Erin felt herself jolt a little. Even though his voice came softly. “What's one thing you never told anyone about yourself? Something you'll only share with me?”

Don't ask that … Not now. Ask anything but that, please… Don't make me hurt you more… please… Erin shifted away from him, suddenly feeling too uncomfortable to be that close. "I don't know, Yukito…"

“Please tell me...” he whispered, compelling Erin to move away farther before he got a good grip on her. Erin pulled her legs tight to her, partially for comfort and partially for warmth. Why did he have to ask like that? Why did she have to feel so guilty? She wanted to do anything but tell him…

"I dunno what you want me to tell you, Yukito.." She paused, falling into silence, trying to find anything in her head that would fall under the qualifications of his request, but wouldn't ruin anything. "Um… I've never been on a plane. We always drive the really long drives up to visit my dad's family, 'cause… I don't want to think about being on a plane. It's stupid, but whatever… But that's not what you were asking me. All right… uh… the first real boyfriend I had turned out to like boys better, and the only reason he dated me because he was too scared to admit it… But I didn't know that. I thought he liked me. We were friends. But he wouldn't kiss me." She paused for a crunched shrug. "Whatever. Finding him with who he really wanted sucked, but at least I knew then that he hadn't wanted me at all." Another shrug. "I know that's not really what you wanted either…" So much for her idea. She stared down darkly at her knees, looking dramatic and eerie in the shadows.

“I'm sorry, Erin...” Erin heard him say lowly. “You didn't deserve that. I mean, how could...” He went quiet for a moment, and Erin fought the compulsion to steal the blanket and curl into a corner and sleep there. She was afraid of hurting him again. “I remember the first time you kissed me. You took me completely by surprise. It was probably one of the last things I expected you to do...” Erin smiled a little sadly in the darkness. I didn't plan it either… “But not because I didn't like you. I couldn't believe anyone had noticed me like that. I found out then that you really weren't just looking around the room with a smile on your face for nothing. You look at people. You see them. And you saw me, too. And whatever you thought you saw, you liked it. Basically, you said it was okay for me to like you...”

She looked over at him, face sideways because it was resting on her knees. Of course it was okay for him to like her… As though he read her thoughts, Yukito added, “That doesn't make much sense, does it?” Yukito sighed and moved next to her. She felt herself tense again, remembering what she couldn't tell him. What she couldn't ask. Is there something wrong with me? “I love when you kiss me. It reminds me that you saw me back then.” He leaned forward until his forehead brushed against hers, and though Erin didn't move in protest, she tensed again, closing her eyes for the briefest of moments. Her thoughts tumbled about in her head but her sudden anxiety kept the words from tumbling out in an avalanche. “Erin, I'm sorry...I'm sorry he used you like that. That he knew he could do that because you were so willing to trust him and care about him, and that he used the fact that you saw him, too... I wish I could take that away for you..”

She shook her head just momentarily, shortly, sitting up straighter now and looking across the room. "I shouldn't be so gullible… You'd think I'd figure it out after a while, but I don't…"

“...And why do planes have to do with anything?”

Erin shrugged, feeling the flush of being caught in her attempt of a cover. "I couldn't think of what else I could tell you…"

---------------------------

Yukito Maki

“I love when you kiss me. It reminds me that you saw me back then.” He leaned forward until his forehead brushed against hers, trying to break the protection she was putting up against him. “Erin, I'm sorry...I'm sorry he used you like that. That he knew he could do that because you were so willing to trust him and care about him, and that he used the fact that you saw him, too... I wish I could take that away for you..”

She shook her head just momentarily, shortly, sitting up straighter now and looking across the room. "I shouldn't be so gullible… You'd think I'd figure it out after a while, but I don't…"

Yukito tilted his head at that, unsure of what that meant for her. “Well, if you were perfect I'd be worried. Being trusting isn't really a fault, but it'll work for me.” He started to reach over to hold her again, but hesitated, seeing her so worked up still. “...And why do planes have to do with anything?”

Erin shrugged, "I couldn't think of what else I could tell you…"

“But why planes?” He looked over at her, then turned away quickly to stare at his feet, wrapping his arms around himself in a feeble attempt to imagine the little chill he felt now was all in his imagination and he could will it away. He wanted to hold her, but she obviously didn't want that. “Are you afraid?” he whispered at last, “Of planes...and me?” Yukito tried to swallow the lump in his throat but a strangle sound was the only result when he turned to her, his voice nearly panicky, “I'm sorry, Erin. I've been trying not to have them but I can't help it! I don't know what else I can do, I just want to sleep here next to you like a normal guy, and feel like normal, and I'm making this difficult on you and...” He cursed and took hold of her shoulder with one hand, already feeling a rush at the little contact, “Please just hold me, just tell me things... I'm going to make it okay, I promise!"

-------------

Erin Spenser

"I shouldn't be so gullible…" Erin returned, shaking her head a little in the darkness. "You'd think I'd figure it out after a while, but I don't…"

“Well, if you were perfect I'd be worried. Being trusting isn't really a fault, but it'll work for me.” She didn't say anything to that, because all Erin could think to say was, No, it is a fault, and it's mine. “...And why do planes have to do with anything?”

She only shrugged, feeling the heat of being caught. "I couldn't think of what else I could tell you…"

“But why planes?”

Why did he keep harping on that one stupid comment? "I dunno, Yukito, I just tried to give you an honest answer, okay? I don't know why…"

Silence pulsed between them for a long minute, and then finally he whispered to her, “Are you afraid?” Erin glanced over at him warily, defensively, inquiring with her eyes what he meant by that. “Of planes...and me?”

Erin felt her eyes widen immediately at the assumption. You think I'm scared of you? How could I be scared of you? I love you! How could you say that?

“I'm sorry, Erin," Yukito forced out suddenly, bewildering her with the tightness of his voice. She sat up and peered at him, eyes now much more used to the darkness, and she looked to check if he was crying, or hurting, or… anything… "I've been trying not to have them but I can't help it!" His dreaming. He thought she was afraid of him because he had nightmares? Erin started to say something, to try to counteract the assumption, but Yukito plunged on. "I don't know what else I can do, I just want to sleep here next to you like a normal guy, and feel like normal, and I'm making this difficult on you and...” Yukito cursed and took hold of her shoulder with one of his hands, and all she could do was look up at him, still feeling nearly totally confused. I'm not afraid of your dreams… I'm afraid of being why you have them… “Please just hold me, just tell me things... " She started nodding, allowing herself to be pulled closer to Yukito. "I'm going to make it okay, I promise!"

"I know, Yukito, I do," Erin said, pulling both her arms around him gingerly, then letting her fingers grab a hold of his shirt as her face nestled into his shoulder. She could feel the swelling in her face that signaled tears and willed her best for them not to come. It worked for a little bit, but her voice sounded nasally, like she had a cold or something. "Yukito, I know your dreams aren't your fault, and that doesn't scare me at all. It's, it's really terrible you have them but it doesn't scare me. I'm scar-- I'm scared--" Erin pulled closer despite her fears, collapsing into the need to feel safe in him, and cursed herself as she felt the hot tears spill over. "I'm scared I'll make you have them…" Because I always want to hold you… And sometimes maybe I shouldn't… A lot of times I shouldn't, but I do anyway, because I'm selfish of you… "I'm--" I'm scared we can't ever be anything more than this, because it's so hard already, and what can we do? What if we can't do anything to make it better? What if all I can ever do is hold you and cry? The fear alone was enough to spur on her crying, and once again she pulled closer, aching for the comfort she found in his touch, in spite of the nagging fear. "I-- I want you…"

--------------

Yukito Maki

“But why planes?”

She was being so evasive. Of him, and his questions. He had tried to lighten the air with her random comment, but all it did was make her exasperated."I dunno, Yukito, I just tried to give you an honest answer, okay? I don't know why…"

He looked over at her, seeing the vague details of her silhouetted in the dark. He had the sudden urge to turn on all the lights and pull his face close to hers, to stare at it until he couldn't look anymore. Did she know how much it hurt him? Did she try too hard to know? Or was there more to keep her distanced than her attempts at keeping him close?I'm so confused...so much of the time..“Are you afraid?” Erin glanced over at him warily, defensively, inquiring with her eyes what he meant by that. His voice thinned out under her gaze as he clung to his knees. “Of planes...and me?”

She didn't answer.

“I'm sorry, Erin," Yukito forced out desperately, still earning no sound from Erin. But at least she sat up and kept watching him. If only he knew for a fact that the hurt and affirmation on her face was all in his imagination. He hoped that it was just his eyes not taking to the darkness, a hindrance of his middle-of-the-night abilities, rather than actual tears in her eyes that he saw. "I've been trying not to have them but I can't help it!I don't know what else I can do, I just want to sleep here next to you like a normal guy, and feel like normal, and I'm making this difficult on you and...” Yukito cursed and took hold of her shoulder with one of his hands, panicking at her lack of reaction. Erin was the dramatic one. She was supposed to say something. She was supposed to be the one rambling on. If she kept doing that, he was protected. He could sit quietly and let her speak. He could figure out what to do, listening to her, taking cues from her. When she went silent he felt lost at sea. “Please just hold me, just tell me things... " She started nodding, allowing herself to be pulled closer to Yukito. His words were separated no longer by syllables but gasps of relief from the pounding pressure in his head and chest that wanted to strangle him. Feeling her against him, in his arms, was taking the pain away even as his heart skipped a beat. "I'm going to make it okay, I promise!"

"I know, Yukito, I do," Yukito's lungs constricted violently at the sensation of her fingertips against his shirt, and the warmth of her hot cheek against his shoulder. Her voice was thick and "Yukito, I know your dreams aren't your fault, and that doesn't scare me at all.”

“Are you serious?” came the whisper, as though this truth would be the answer to a prayer. “They don't?"

“It's, it's really terrible you have them but it doesn't scare me. I'm scar-- I'm scared--"

“Of what?” he breathed, his face buried into her hair and muffling his words. He leaned down to search for her, kissing every part of her face on the way down to her lips that he could reach. Then he felt the boiling tears that had started to stream down her cheeks.

"I'm scared I'll make you have them…"

“What?”

"I'm--"She pulled him closer for a comfort before continuing,"I-- I want you…"

Yukito looked down at her in silence for what felt like too short a time to get his breath back. When he did speak, he could practically hear the rapid thudding of his pulse all through his head, making the room spin faster than it had when he had woken up from his nightmare. “Erin...I can't tell you how much I...” He pressed his mouth to hers, exhaling like a man drowning, “D***, Erin. I want you, too. I have for so...” his breath caught up on that burning nail in his throat, “So long. I want to show you, and give you, every piece of me, and all the ways I love you. I want to be with you, and I have wanted to for so long. It hurts to know you have to stay at any distance, and I want that broken. I want you here..” he took hold of her and roughly pulled her more tightly to him, “I want you all the time, and it hurts to feel you close and know that I have to be the one to push you away, when all my heart does is scream to pull you closer. But I want you to be here, next to me, even if there's this gap between us. Because you remind me every day how badly I want that hole in my filled up, and you make me try harder all the time. If you wound me with a kiss, I'll still want that kiss. I love you...”

--------------------

Erin Spenser

“Please just hold me, just tell me things... " Yukito begged her, and Erin started to nod, letting him pull her close again. She closed her eyes harshly against the hot water filling them. How could it be so hard to hold someone? How could it be so hard to let go? "I'm going to make it okay, I promise!"

"I know, Yukito, I do." She worried she felt him tensing under her touch, but he'd pulled her to him; she wanted to stay with him and feel safe inside their space. As safe as she could feel."Yukito, I know your dreams aren't your fault, and that doesn't scare me at all," Erin told him honestly.

“Are you serious?” he whispered, and Erin nodded a little, her head against him and wrinkling his shirt under the motion. “They don't?"

“ It's, it's really terrible you have them but it doesn't scare me. I'm scar-- I'm scared--" Her voice caught, and she swallowed hard.

“Of what?” he breathed, his face buried into her hair and muffling his words. She could feel his breath against her, warm and familiar, and just then it made her feel too sad. And because of it, she pulled even closer, gripping his shirt so tight that were the light on, her hands would be shining red and white. Yukito leaned down to her and he began to kiss her suddenly, covering her entire face with kisses, finally kissing her lips. She knew his lips were covered with her tears now. It didn't do much to make her feel better. He shouldn't have to do that. When she could, Erin continued, her voice choked, "I'm scared I'll make you have them…"

“What?”

He didn't know? Yukito really didn't know? How could he not see? "I like to hold you too much… I-- I always-- I'm--" Erin paused, trying her best to be calm enough so she could make sense to him. Trying her best to quit crying so he wouldn't have her tears all over him. Trying to be honest, even if it hurt. "I-- I want you…"

She looked up at him, shyly, nervous for his response, feeling her face burning from honesty. He did not look happy, staring down at her. In fact, his expression was unreadable. Completely unreadable, and unnerving. Finally, he broke the silence. “Erin...I can't tell you how much I...” He pressed his mouth to hers desperately, Erin taking every ounce of console from the contact that she could before he continued. “D***, Erin. I want you, too. I have for so...” He paused for a jerky breath. But as hard as it sounded for him to say it, there was still confidence and security in hearing the words come from his mouth. [/b]“So long. I want to show you, and give you, every piece of me, and all the ways I love you. I want to be with you, and I have wanted to for so long. It hurts to know you have to stay at any distance, and I want that broken. I want you here..”[/b] Yukito broke his speech, tightened his hold on her comfortingly, reassuringly. “I want you all the time, and it hurts to feel you close and know that I have to be the one to push you away, when all my heart does is scream to pull you closer. But I want you to be here, next to me, even if there's this gap between us. Because you remind me every day how badly I want that hole in my filled up, and you make me try harder all the time. If you wound me with a kiss, I'll still want that kiss. I love you...”

"You would?" she asked, sniffling a little, feeling suddenly too small and too childish to be in a situation like this. "Even if it hurt you…? You…" Another shaky breath as the crying left her, easing down again. "You think we're gonna get better, right? That… that maybe, we won't stay this way? 'Cause… 'cause I love you, too… I… do you think, maybe, if we promise to work on it together, and… and maybe, you won't have to push me away some day?"

-----------------------------------

Yukito Maki

"I'm scared I'll make you have them…"

“What?” Surprise was more difficult to disguise in the quiet of their room, and there was no pretending like he had just misheard her now.

"I like to hold you too much… I-- I always-- I'm--" Erin paused, "I-- I want you…" Her timid, fearful look at him was patient for his response. If he hadn't just heard her say it herself, he would have wondered if that fear was actually fromhim, and not what she might do. Not that she might get too affectionate and too expressive and hurthim with an embrace. This is what we've come to. This is what she thinks.

“Erin...” he started slowly, ”I can't tell you how much I...” Abandoning words for the moment, he pressed his mouth to hers, letting the expression of the touch be his punctuation. “D***, Erin. I want you, too. I have forso...” He paused for a jerky breath. “So long. I want to show you, and give you, every piece of me, and all the ways I love you. I want tobewith you, and I have wanted to for so long. It hurts to know you have to stay at any distance, and I want that broken. I want you here..” Yukito broke his speech, tightened his hold on her comfortingly, reassuringly. Wishing he could be sure she truly understood what he meant by his words. “I want you all the time, and it hurts to feel you close and know that I have to be the one to push you away, when all my heart does is scream to pull you closer. But I want you to be here, next to me, even if there's this gap between us. Because you remind me every day how badly I want that hole in my filled up, and you make me try harder all the time. If you wound me with a kiss, I'll still want that kiss. I love you...”

"You would?" she asked, sniffling a little. He looked down at her with a face more solemn than death, and nodded."Even if it hurt you…? You…"Another shaky breath as the crying left her, easing down again."You think we're gonna get better, right? That… that maybe, we won't stay this way? 'Cause… 'cause I love you, too… I… do you think, maybe, if we promise to work on it together, and… and maybe, you won't have to push me away some day?"

Another long pause, and he just watched her face, studying the concern on it that he hadn't seen there when he had first met her. She was so different now, even if she was stillErin.Loud, spastic, bouncing, sunny-side-up Erin. “That's exactly why I wanted you here, Erin.Righthere.” He indicated toward the bed. “Don't you get it? I lock everyone out. It's easier that way. They don't come in my room, and I don't like them to. I'm letting youherebecause if I try to lock you out I get sick to my stomach and turn into some kind of zombie. My mother never came into my room because I never let her in there. She wouldn't walk past the door frame. But I wantyourighthere,withme.Because if I keep you locked out I can't see you, and I don't want to let you be with anybody else.” He smirked, remembering the old Erin, the way she'd acted meeting his mother for the first time, and when she'd kissed him in the practice room at school, and the first time she'd accidentally stayed the night. He smirked in remembrance, shrugged, then kissed her forehead. “We should try and go back to sleep. I have work in the morning, you know. You're crazy, keeping me up all night.” Yukito laid down on the bed, drawing her with him and towards him, shifting closer until he could feel the heat radiating through his chest and face like a firecracker had just exploded in front of him, laying there and pretending he wouldn't start to tremble in a few moments. Because he wanted it to last a few more minutes, holding her. Forcing out a sigh that would hopefully calm him for a little while, he laid his cheek against her. “I don't want us... to be afraid.. You know? The pushing away...it's not really me. But I can learn to handle it, if I keep pushing myself.”

--------------

Erin Spenser

Erin felt her face burning, wishing she could just disappear even as Yukito's words sounded as if to counteract that. “I want you all the time, and it hurts to feel you close and know that I have to be the one to push you away, when all my heart does is scream to pull you closer. But I want you to be here, next to me, even if there's this gap between us. Because you remind me every day how badly I want that hole in my filled up, and you make me try harder all the time. If you wound me with a kiss, I'll still want that kiss. I love you...”

"You would?" she asked, trying her best to ignore the sting on her skin that peaked at the shame of her doubt. She saw him nod before he was too blurred by her tears. "Even if it hurt you…? You…" Another shaky breath as the crying left her, easing down again. "You think we're gonna get better, right? That… that maybe, we won't stay this way? 'Cause… 'cause I love you, too… I… do you think, maybe, if we promise to work on it together, and… and maybe, you won't have to push me away some day?"

He was quiet again. Sometimes she could never get used to his silences, and then times like now it made her a little scared-- what did he think about when he was quiet for so long? Why couldn't he just talk to her, tell her what he felt and at least rescue her from the painful silence? Once again, he spoke. “That's exactly why I wanted you here, Erin. Right here.” He indicated toward the bed, and for some reason she wanted to cry again. “Don't you get it? I lock everyone out. It's easier that way. They don't come in my room, and I don't like them to. I'm letting you here because if I try to lock you out I get sick to my stomach and turn into some kind of zombie. My mother never came into my room because I never let her in there. She wouldn't walk past the door frame. But I wantyourighthere,withme.Because if I keep you locked out I can't see you, and I don't want to let you be with anybody else.”

No, she hadn't got it, Erin wanted to tell him. How could she have gotten it when he kept that part of himself so hidden away from her? How could she have been so clueless to miss it? He distanced himself so much from even his own mother, the only real family he had left. How could anyone live like that? She hated to be alone… He wanted it that way. Erin wondered if she could ever really understand that part of him. If it would be bad if she couldn't…

"I don't want to be with anybody else anyway…" she told him quietly, honestly. "I… I like being here with you…" I just don't want to hurt you!

Somehow Yukito found her response worthy of a smile, and he kissed her forehead. “We should try and go back to sleep. I have work in the morning, you know. You're crazy, keeping me up all night.”

Erin managed to smile herself, even though she still held onto that fear of hurting him. What if it all happened again, just because she let her guard down, and let herself think it was okay to snuggle against him too much… She cut off her thoughts before she cried again and answered him, "You don't just wanna stay home tomorrow? I can stay home from school… It's only like two hours til anyway, isn't? Three? I don't know…"

Gently, Yukito laid back down, taking Erin with him, too, surprising her by moving her closer. Still torn, Erin kept her arm around him, afraid to make him hurt again but afraid to feel too far away from him. It felt impossible to tell when her contact was okay and when it wasn't. She didn't feel tired anymore. Her widened eyes were locked on him, searching for any sign of warning that she needed to back off in his face. But he was the one who drew her closer… Would it ever quit being confusing?

Breaking her thoughts, Yukito sighed and laid his cheek against her. “I don't want us... to be afraid.. You know? The pushing away...it's not really me. But I can learn to handle it, if I keep pushing myself.”

And maybe if I wouldn't force you to push yourself so much… she thought, feeling once more that infuriation with herself. Instead, Erin just asked again, "Yukito… can't you stay home? I miss you when you're gone…" She gave him another little smile. "Maybe we can have, like, a day-date…"

--------------------------

Yukito Maki

"I don't want to be with anybody else anyway…"she told him quietly, "I… I like being here with you…"

He smiled at her simple honesty, how easy she found it, and he kissed her forehead. “We should try and go back to sleep. I have work in the morning, you know. You're crazy, keeping me up all night.” His tease made her smile a little, at least. Though he worried because she looked and felt so serious next to him, and he hated those traces of fear he still saw in her, still wondering how he could be the root of those fears.

”You don't just wanna stay home tomorrow? I can stay home from school… It's only like two hours til anyway, isn't? Three? I don't know…"Before she could fret anymore, he wrapped her up closer and laid her down next to him, positioning her near him. Her arm remained around him, entwined closely and as tentatively as if she were touching some kind of unbridled beast. The growing sunlight was still a bluish sort of tint with hints of warm gold, and he watched it reflect across her face as she stared up at him almost fearfully.

“Stop that,” he told her shortly, exasperated. “I'm not going to die or something. It was only once, and it's over now...” Yukito sighed and laid his cheek against her, adding in a tone trying to be patient. “I don't want us... to be afraid.. You know? The pushing away...it's not really me. But I can learn to handle it, if I keep pushing myself.”

Instead of responding to what he was trying to say, Erin just asked again, "Yukito… can't you stay home? I miss you when you're gone…" She gave him another little smile, trying to use his weakness against him. "Maybe we can have, like, a day-date…"

He tightened his hold on her for a moment, squeezing her apologetically, “You know I'd love that...but we really need the money, Erin. I want to save my sick-days for when we really need it, and they don't give me many to begin with...”

----------

Erin Spenser

She couldn't help but touch him gingerly, trying to balance between the potential to hurt him again and being normal. Erin tried to distract herself from it all, and him, asking Yukito if he just couldn't stay home tomorrow. He sensed her hesitance, though, and wasn't swayed.

“Stop that.” The directness of the order took her aback slightly. Why did she always have to be so obvious? He could tell what she was feeling, her anxiousness, her pause, her excessive gentleness for fear of a replay. Erin felt like a deer caught in the headlights. “I'm not going to die or something. It was only once, and it's over now...” Yukito sighed and laid his cheek against her as Erin tried to figure out what to say. She sort of hurt him by trying not to hurt him and it was all so messed up.... He spoke before she did. “I don't want us... to be afraid.. You know? The pushing away...it's not really me. But I can learn to handle it, if I keep pushing myself.”

For a moment, Erin was silent again. What could she say to that? It still barely made sense that he had to push himself to do something so natural as to hold her, or let her touch him. What would he say if she reminded him it didn't bother her at all if he ever wanted to hold her, or kiss her more, or… But she didn't ask. Instead, not knowing what to say, Erin repeated, "Yukito… can't you stay home? I miss you when you're gone…" She gave him another little smile hopefully, trying to make things a little better. "Maybe we can have, like, a day-date…"

Yukito tightened his hold on her for a short moment. “You know I'd love that...but we really need the money, Erin. I want to save my sick-days for when we really need it, and they don't give me many to begin with...”

Her little lift in her expression fell again, and she hoped the lingering dark was enough to distort it from him. "But you're gonna be so tired tomorrow anyway… and I don't wanna go to school tomorrow, I'll probably just sleep through it anyway, so I might as well stay home, but I only wanna stay home so I can be with you." The pleading in her voice was even audible to her own ears. She was begging him, pretty much, but she was tired, and worried, and nervous, and didn't want to be alone without him yet after this. "Yukito, just one day… please?"

----------------

Yukito Maki

“Stop that.” He could sense in her the hesitance and fear. It grated him beneath his skin and made him irritable.“I'm not going to die or something. It was only once, and it's over now...” Yukito sighed and laid his cheek against her, trying to draw her closer and reassure her. “I don't want us... to be afraid.. You know? The pushing away...it's not really me. But I can learn to handle it, if I keep pushing myself.”

For a moment, Erin was silent again. He wondered what she thought of that, why she was so silent when it came to this. He recalled how quiet she had been right after he had woken up. Sullen...afraid. "Yukito… can't you stay home? I miss you when you're gone…" She gave him another little smile hopefully, ”Maybe we can have, like, a day-date…"

Yukito tightened his hold on her for a short moment, trying to apologize with the little squeeze. “You know I'd love that...but we really need the money, Erin. I want to save my sick-days for when we really need it, and they don't give me many to begin with...” The smile faded on her lips at his rejection of her idea. He frowned down at her, watching her face for signs...of anything. Talk to me, Erin...

"But you're gonna be so tired tomorrow anyway… and I don't wanna go to school tomorrow, I'll probably just sleep through it anyway, so I might as well stay home, but I only wanna stay home so I can be with you." She was begging him, and he turned his head away from her, his lips pursing as he tried to subdue himself. She's just worried, is all. Cut her some slack. It'd make sense for her to get all clingy, wouldn't it?

“I don't think so, Erin. I mean..” he let out an exasperated sigh, still facing the ceiling, “We really need the money. And I don't like the idea of you skipping or something when we can just relax this weekend. It's only a few days away and...” He trailed off. The truth was, he wanted more than anything to just bury himself in the blankets and feel her hands in his hair and stay there the entire day. He felt tired and worn down to the bone, even his pores weeping and begging for a moment. Just a moment. To rest, and breathe again. To do something that wasn't the responsible adult trying to pretend it didn't hurt. Yukito slipped one arm from around her and strained to grab his cheap cell phone off the make-do nightstand. By the time he fell back asleep it would be time to get up and prepare for work. There would be no more sleeping tonight.

”Yukito, just one day… please?"

“It's almost time to be up anyways.I should take a shower. I'm all sweaty and probably getting it all over you.” He pulled away from her, starting to slip from the bed, wiping absently at his arms that still felt sort of clammy from earlier. Standing just a little ways from the edge of the bed, he stopped, staring at the emptiness in the dark room. This wasn't the way he was supposed to be.

Stifling the choke of tears from the memories now brought back by the far wall from the bed, he sat back down and buried his head in his hands. He'd thrown himself against the wall like an animal in front of her. That wasn't how it was supposed to be. All the years of testing, of restraining his instinct, the psychologists, the hours of chanting in his head that it wasn't going to happen anymore... they had to mean something. He wasn't supposed to still be so cautious, so strained, so stiff and removed from her. He was sitting next to her on the bed, but he might as well have been across an ocean. He was so sick of being careful all the time. After all his cautiousness, his baby steps, he had still hurdled himself from the bed and fallen into his own mind again. He didn't want for Erin what his mother had been forced to deal with. Yukito was sure that eventually, Erin would decide to move away from all that screaming in the night and the forced distance.

With a half-whispered profanity, he turned to send Erin a piercing glare through the darkness, his expression drawn in frustration and animosity. “I'm tired, Erin. I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm sick, and I've been that way for eight years now.” His hands clenched in his lap. “Eight freaking years. And I'm tired of playing it safe all the time.” He reached over his shoulders and tugged on the sleeves of his shirt, pulling the damp piece of clothing off and discarding it on the floor, leaving him with only the thin pajama pants for a shield. A shudder was his first warning, and he crossed his arms on his chest for a moment to ward off the feeling of exposure, knowing he was too thin, too pale, too weak, and that this was not at all how he had planned things. Yukito shivered visibly even as he crawled back into the bed, his feet and hands already chilled from the lack of warmth from the bed...and from Erin.

“You hold me whenever the hell you want to, Erin. As much as you want. And I'm going to do the same,” he growled bitterly, moving to lay down practically on top of her and wrapping his cold arms around, pulling her in until he had forced their faces close enough to touch their noses lightly. “Warm me up, Erin. Because I'm cold, sick, and tired. And I don't take my medicine like I'm supposed to.” Yukito pressed his lips to hers, feeling the waves of nausea in his gut sweep in after the initial shock of contact. His back felt frozen compared to the insuppressible heat in his chest as he shifted a little closer, leaning over top of her so he could tilt her face back up toward the ceiling and kiss her harder, trailing down her cheek where the tears still stained. Partway down her jawline, he stopped, and lifted his face a little so he could see her eyes. With the sudden naivety of a child, he murmured, “You can touch me, Erin. May I touch you? You can tell me when to stop...”

------------------

Erin Spenser

Yukito, still managing to have his head on his shoulders in spite of everything that night, turned down her idea. How could he still do that, even after this whole… thing? She tried again. "But you're gonna be so tired tomorrow anyway… and I don't wanna go to school tomorrow, I'll probably just sleep through it anyway, so I might as well stay home, but I only wanna stay home so I can be with you." Instead of answering her, or giving her a kiss to console her, or anything like that, he turned away. He turned away, and Erin felt the water rush to her eyes. She smashed her lids down in defiance as he spoke.

“I don't think so, Erin. I mean..” he let out a sigh, still not looking at her. “We really need the money. And I don't like the idea of you skipping or something when we can just relax this weekend. It's only a few days away and...” She frowned deeper as his arm left her for his phone nearby. He was really determined to leave. After all this, just leave. Where anything could happen, and she would only hear from him when he had free time to text or call, and if she had to go to school and actually try to focus the whole time… ”Yukito, just one day… please?"

“It's almost time to be up anyways. I should take a shower. I'm all sweaty and probably getting it all over you.” He pulled away from her. Well, he was right about that. But Erin expected it. "I don't care," she told him frankly as he slipped away from her, her eyes locked on him all the while. Stop moving away from me again.. Stop doing that!! "Yukito, don't…" A sigh of frustration broke off her words, and she lay back down. Nevermind… He was always going to be moving from her, wasn't he? Whenever it got to much, he would have to move away. She knew that. He knew that. Why did they keep pretending that it wasn't like that? That there was even a chance they could move beyond that? The only moving they would ever do would be away from each other until the pain ebbed from him enough that he could come back. Oh, the things she could do to the one who caused this all…

Cutting off her train of thought with the suddenness of his movement, Yukito suddenly sat back down, dropping his face in his hands. Anxiously, Erin bolted upright, worried another wave of fear would sweep him away from her again. She should call to him, say his name just to check if he was okay, but she couldn't find her voice. It was gone.

Finally, Yukito broke the silence, looking over toward her in the half-light and announcing, “I'm tired, Erin. I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm sick, and I've been that way for eight years now. Eight freaking years. And I'm tired of playing it safe all the time.” In a few jerky moves, he ridded himself of his sodden shirt, and Erin immediately recalled the last time he had felt brave enough to make himself vulnerable to her in that simple, normal way. A small lead ball of guilt clanged against the inside of her stomach. She bit her lip, slowly returning to lay back down. At least that way, it would be harder to look at him, and she wouldn't be so prone to mess up everything. She would mess up everything, just like before, the one time she'd convinced him to brave the waters of a pool, and she'd been the one to force him away, just because she couldn't help but want to hold him more, to kiss him more, to-- well, how could she not? Not when-- Erin looked over at him again-- no, how could she not want that when he was right in front of her, looking like that? Looking as good as he did, even tired and worn out, and sleep-deprived, and recovering from panic attacks or whatever you could call it? He buried into himself so much, tried to stay so invisible, even around her he was still so hidden that his simple gesture of rebellion captured Erin's whole attention. What was it about himself that he didn't like? Because from where she sat, Erin could see nothing wrong… absolutely nothing to hide. She made herself look away again, dropping back down to the bed, and turning suddenly towards him when she felt him returning. Still stubbornly, rebelliously without his sodden shirt. Her eyes widened at his sudden boldness. "Yu…"

“You hold me whenever the hell you want to, Erin. As much as you want. And I'm going to do the same.” Erin stared at him, practically stunned. Was he serious? Thinking clearly? Was this more weird nightmarish activity in his head that made him not really sure of what was going on? No, definitely not-- this was determination, something she didn't see at all when he had been dreaming. Then it had been pure fear and he'd been lost-- now he knew exactly where he was going and was fully determined. He had to be. He'd pulled her to him, pressing close to her as Erin felt him embrace her. After everything, all this time, it had taken a nightmare like that to break down the barrier they'd had? Really? Was it broken? Her hopes lifted at accelerated speeds as he lifted her face to his. “Warm me up, Erin. Because I'm cold, sick, and tired. And I don't take my medicine like I'm supposed to.” She did, still somewhat hesitantly, not sure if she should cave into the instinct to wrap her arms around him, too, so instead she put her arms around his neck as he kissed her. I want to hold you. So, so, so much more than I even understand… Are you sure I really can? Are you sure? I don't know… He continued to kiss her, though, to Erin's surprise even leaving her lips--something she'd never expected from him even after all the times he'd claimed to love her kisses-- moving her face with his hand so he could kiss her where he wanted. Partway down her jawline, he stopped, and Erin thought for sure he would retract. He'd reached his limit, realized he'd made himself only hurt again, and he would move away again. She'd be shut out from him again, and for who knows how long. Erin's eyes locked on his. Please don't leave me! He wasn't looking away either. Last time he had… Maybe it would be different… Once more, she felt her hopes accelerating. “You can touch me, Erin. May I touch you? You can tell me when to stop...”

Erin was nodding even before she found her voice. Finally when she did, her arms wrapped around him entirely, holding him close to her, her mind trying to consciously memorize how it felt to feel him beneath her hands this way. "Of course," she voiced, her words coming out as a whisper, tense, as if her vocal folds were rusty. How come it felt like she wanted to cry? How come it took a nightmare that terrorized him to lead to this, them being normal and together and loving? How come she had to be so difficult and want to hold him so badly like this? Amidst her private confusion, Erin started to return his kisses, first on his cheek, then trailing down, by his ear, then below it. His hair brushed against her and it wasn't bothersome at all. "Don't leave me," she whispered earnestly between kisses, holding tight to her embrace around him. "I love you. I love you. Don't leave me…"

-------

Yukito Maki

”Yukito, just one day… please?" she continued to plead with him, her voice reaching up through the huge space between them, asking him to stay with her. She was afraid. And he suspected that she would worry every second he was out of her sight, fearful that he was going to act like an animal again, frightened, vulnerable, and senseless. Out of control.

“It's almost time to be up anyways. I should take a shower. I'm all sweaty and probably getting it all over you.” He pulled away from her, mentally preparing himself for the day he foresaw ahead.

"I don't care," she told him frankly as he rolled off the bed, feeling her eyes on his back. "Yukito, don't…" He didn't answer her, but he heard her sigh and the rustle of her laying back down on the bed. A few steps from her, he stopped. Instead of just the day ahead, he saw in his head too many repetitions of tonight. Of her sitting there on the bed alone worrying about him while he pinned himself against a wall. Him milling around at work, biding his time in moving forward until he felt prepared and ready to do so. He imagined all the times he had to gently push her wrists away when she held him too tight, and the numerous times he'd had to make excuses for keeping his mental and physical distance from her. Yukito sat back down on the edge of the bed, cradling his forehead in both palms and letting out a sigh. The silence stretched on, until he moved to look at her with solemn determination. He wasn't going to get comfortable here. He wasn't going to become prepared. He was going to become too far from her, for too long. And it was just going to frustrate them both and drive him crazy.

“I'm tired, Erin. I'm tired. I'm tired and I'm sick, and I've been that way for eight years now. Eight freaking years. And I'm tired of playing it safe all the time.” With quaking hands he pulled off the damp shirt and discarded it on the floor, standing exposed before her with the faint traces of the cool sunshine coming in through the blinds. Erin moved to look at him from her place in the bed. He saw her bite her lip and lay down, staring at him. Fears he hadn't experienced before raced through his brain, wondering what her reaction meant, his eyes studying her from long, contemplative moments, seeking some form of direct sign of what was going through her mind, even as he was sure he wouldn't be able to handle it. She looked away from him, and he started to shiver and shake, alone in the middle of the room and too cold to be that way any longer. On his hands and knees, he crawled across the bed to her, and she turned over to watch him, her eyes widened in wonder. The tentativeness and fearful curiosity between them was almost tangible in the room. "Yu…"

“You hold me whenever the hell you want to, Erin. As much as you want. And I'm going to do the same.” Erin stared at him, wordless to his confession. It would be so much easier if she would just give him some indication of what she was feeling, instead of the quiet stares and unfinished words. Still, he pulled her to him, closer and tighter than he usually dared, embracing her between his shivering arms and feeling the instant rush as his body tried to fight his mind and heart. He shuddered, from a lot of different feelings, each of them starkly contrasting and more confusing than he could have imagined. He lifted her face to his and told her in a dark whisper, “Warm me up, Erin. Because I'm cold, sick, and tired. And I don't take my medicine like I'm supposed to.” Her arms curled around his neck as he leaned in to kiss her, and the instant they did so was a unified reaction of explosion beneath his skin, starting a pounding in his head he couldn't suppress and sending him into unsteady breathing, more shivers, and a stunning dizziness. His lips wandered from hers, tracing the tears his nightmares had caused, wishing they could make it up to her in some small way. His calloused hand gently lifted her face up so he could travel with as much possible smoothness, but partway down to her neck, he paused, looking up into her eyes. She was watching his with an unreadable expression, each of them in turn trying to probe into the other's thoughts. He was reaching to the point where he was finding it hard to care what she was thinking, tired of the constant hesitations. But she still hadn't said anything to him, had never given him permission to continue. Far from the constant questions, silent or not, that she had put to his boundaries, he had never questioned hers. At least, not aloud. “You can touch me, Erin. May I touch you? You can tell me when to stop...”

She gave a quick nod, but still hadn't spoken. Nonetheless, he found a soft, pleased smile make its way onto his face, unable to mask his joy had her approval. Her arms reached around him and pulled him close as the violent shudders continued, mingling fear and love into one involuntary movement. He could feel his heart pounding against her, no longer barricaded or protected. "Of course," she voiced in a crackled and broken chord, and he could hear threat of tears in the two powerful syllables. Yukito quickly came to return his previous expedition, avoiding her mouth at all costs now because there were other places they never dared to go. The tears started around the point when the little tickle of her breath touched below his ear in the instants between her kisses, and he pulled her closer, possessively, taking her hands and pulling them to the cold, exposed skin, and wishing her to bless it in her warm, golden way.

"Don't leave me," she whispered earnestly between kisses, holding tight to her embrace around him, sending volts of dizziness through his head he couldn't suppress, and no longer wanted to. "I love you. I love you. Don't leave me…"

“I won't,” he promised, smiling as he found her collarbone and reassured her with touch and sound, “I won't, I won't... Not you...” I'm done with leaving you all the time. The familiar images were shooting through his head and making it hard to see her, though the light was growing steadily stronger with every passing moment. But he kept going, laying more weight on her, then rolling over and pulling her with him so that she was taking her turn laying on him, her weight pressing down on his chest and making his blood run from cold to boiling. The strangest part was that it was no longer just the terrible memories that shook him and rose goosebumps all over his skin – he responded to her embraces without hesitating, unexperienced fingers frantically searching for the warmest parts of her where he could steal some of her lovely heat. It wasn't long until his breathing had become erratic enough to turn into solid gasps, and then he stopped the kissing and just held her tight. She was the safety bar on his mental roller coaster ride, and he clung to her, holding her head against his chest, until he succumbed to the weariness that no longer gave him the strength to shudder and quake anymore. He let out a crackled sigh, relieved to no longer shiver like a delicate object or a wounded dog. Lazily he kissed the top of her head one last time, smelling her flowery scent mixed with his own metallic, clammy one. He wasn't sure at what point the images became less prominent in his thoughts than her face and her smell, but he was so, so glad for it. And so relieved. And so freaking tired after tonight. With a little, worn-out smile, he trailed his fingers across her arm, whispering, “I love you, Erin.” Another kiss, then a tiny groan as his phone alarm went off, signaling the time he should have been headed toward his job. “I'm so tired now. I feel like I've been run over by a train. Except better.”

-----------

Erin Spenser

She let herself pull him closer to her, letting her arms encircle him, feeling intense relief and hope at the words he told her. He was telling her more than it was okay, but that he wanted her to. He wanted her hands to reach him, no more boundaries or moving away. She could touch him, and it was safe. The way it should be. Erin returned his kisses eagerly, earnestly. "Don't leave me," she whispered, almost pleading with him. No, she was definitely pleading. He was finally here, now, not moving away, but if he did decide to leave it would hurt even worse… Erin continued her kissing, his cheek and ear and neck. "I love you. I love you. Don't leave me…"

“I won't,” he promised, suddenly reminding Erin of the richness and smoothness of his voice. She had gotten so used to it, but now… “I won't, I won't... Not you...” It felt so good for him to hold her this way, to keep her and touch her and not leave her. Could they just stay like this? Erin felt his pressure on her, the safe, warm feeling of his presence. He didn't let up on his kisses, so neither did she, somewhere in the back of her mind storing up memories in preparation of another, longer physical dry spell. "I love you," she reminded him again, holding tight and kissing his neck up to just under his chin. Yukito shifted, keeping his hold on her but freeing her of her position under him. And even though she could breath clearer this way, Erin still felt like her head was swimming. Her hands found his chest as she kissed his mouth with a long, deep kiss.

Yukito's hands, warm and strong against her, were two constant bursts of reassurance, of hope, of promise that they were getting better, that he loved her, that he would keep loving her. Slowly his kisses stopped, and Erin looked into his eyes curiously. You stopped… why did you stop? Gently, Erin gave his cheek another kiss even as she felt his breathing irregular beneath her. At that moment, Erin became aware of her feet, which rested clumsily across Yukito's feet now. What was she supposed to do with them? Just hang them there?

Holding her close to him still, Yukito guided her head to lay against his chest, drawing a peaceful, light smile from her that he probably didn't even see. Finally… Suddenly, despite their terrorized sleep or lack thereof, everything seemed the way it should be. She felt at home. Safe. Loved. Like it would all be okay, even if another volley of dreams seized him tomorrow. They were going to show the dreams and the memories who was in control here. They were going to do more than just make it. For no apparent reason, Erin started giggling as he gave her head just one more kiss. She felt so dizzy now, it was easy, so easy to let him be her pillow as long as Yukito would let her. She giggled more as his fingers brushed her arm that also rested on him like a pillow, tickling her a bit.

“I love you, Erin.” He gave her one more kiss, perpetuating her blissful expression. "I love you too, Yuyukun…" she said, ignoring the phone's alarm that tried to interrupt her. "No… don't leave…" Her lazy hold tightened just a little for a moment.

“I'm so tired now," Yukito said. "I feel like I've been run over by a train. Except better.”

The description made more giggles well up in her as she cuddle close, finding him perfectly comfortable as a pillow. She felt pretty tired herself. "Me too…" she muttered, sleepiness suddenly hitting her like a brick wall. "I'm dizzy," she added without thinking, her tongue feeling heavy from fatigue. "You're staying." The smile on her face widened at the realization. "I'm so happy you're staying… You make me so happy. So…" Her words trailed off, Erin too tired to finish the statement. She was still smiling, though, nestled tight against him, the rhythm of his breathing sending her quicker into sleep.

--------------------------------

TEH ENDZ0RZ

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

"I might screw up sometimes and tick you off and do stupid crap, but you are not going to start treating me less than I deserve. Got it?" She moved toward him defiantly, feeling her teeth grit together hard at the sight of his movement from her. So now what are you gonna do?"[/b] When he didn't answer her, she screamed at him, "Look at me!!"



She only glared at him, petulantly refusing to answer. “Could you honestly walk away from me and never look back? Would you believe what you just said enough to do that?”

"Of course--" she started, but he started over her, growing more and more bitter as he continued on, unable to stop the familiarity of the images from spinning around his head.

“Because my mother used to say the same exact thing, and my dad would always test her on it. But she loved him too much to just walk away. Thinks he walks on a ****ing water, Erin. She met him at one of his concerts and couldn't stop coming, just to see him play and talk to him. She wanted to sing with him sometime, and he promised that they would play together sometime. He kept treating her like crap, but she made excuses for it, warning him off all the time and doing nothing about it. He'd come back, apologize, and they'd move on again.”

He paused just long enough for her to object, eyes narrowed in a deep, insulted frown. "How dare you compare us to that," she nearly growled.

“Why not?” he hissed back at her, “Does it sound familiar, Erin? If the statistics are right, what are you gonna do about it? Keep smiling and saying it's not a big deal? Yell at me and forgive me tomorrow?”

"No," she snapped back, looking around the room as if checking for some ghost to be watching them in amusement. "I happen to like myself, Yukito, believe it or not... a skill you could certainly use some work on." He didn't answer that one. He shouldn't like himself, if he was anything like his father. That just made plain, common sense. To become the thing he hated the most...that would be something he could never forgive himself for. He held up his bass to her, extending it and hoping, praying, that she would take it from him. She just stared at him blankly. "What?"

“Hit me with it.”

Erin looked away, sending him a few muttered names that he was sure he'd taught to her in the first place. "You've done gone and lost it now..."

“I want to know you can fight back at me if I pull this kind of crap on you.” he stated simply. When she looked around at him in surprise, he didn't falter, just held the bass out a little closer, mentally preparing himself for some kind of hit, some kind of hurt.. the pain would go away rather quickly, and he knew it wouldn't be so bad, coming from Erin. As long as he knew she was capable of it... But she didn't move toward him, just continued to study his eyes for some sort of punchline. His voice seethed on the verge of explosion again.

“I'm serious, Erin...” Take it and hit me with it. But he saw in her eyes now that she wasn't strong enough to do that...at least not to him. Not to anyone, really.

"No."

The tension in the air snapped and suddenly the walls were bouncing with the reverberations of his screamed, “HIT ME WITH THE ****ING GUITAR, ERIN!”

"No, I will NOT hit you with the ****ing guitar, Yukito!!" Erin screamed back, and his expression twitched at the strain he heard in her voice. Secretly he wondered if there was some way he could make sure she didn't do that anymore. It would just be the icing on the cake if she ended up without a voice for weeks after this...

“I can take it, Erin!” he shouted, “I can take it, so just show me you'll do it!”

"What the hell is wrong with you?! How the **** do you think me beating you will do anything but screw us all up more?!" She was gesturing wildly at him, exploding in her own turn. Weakly, Yukito tipped the bass down until its weight no longer pulled at him. "I don't need to prove that I can fight back because you shouldn't be doing that in the first place! You have this crazy idea that just because of him, you're doomed to fall into that, and you're not! No one makes those decisions for you but you yourself! And if you really love me you will step it up now and start treating me how I deserve all the time, not just when it's easy for you!" They'd both started crying again, Erin with her ragged breaths amidst her tirade, him silently and with little outward signs of just how broken he felt again by her words. She took the few steps to sit on the edge of the stage, legs dangling over but her hands tightly gripping the edge like a vice. She was really ticked at him, now. And he didn't blame her.

"Yukito, you're not like that... You're not, but you're so freaking scared you will be that you expect it from yourself. So just... don't... You're better than that, and so am I. I love you.. I do... and I expect you to try, Yukito... to try to be who you are and not who you've been told your expected to be. You're better than that, and you know it...." Her words drifted off into nothing, and she closed her eyes against him, as though pained just to look at him. He stood helplessly behind her, unsure now.

“But what if I am, Erin, and you don't see it until it's too late?”

"I feel... bad..."

His brow furrowed, his face conflicted. Half of him wanted to go over to her and do what little he could to make her better. Half of him was sure it would be the worst thing he could do right now. “I'm sorry, Erin. I'm always sorry. But I don't want that to be enough for you. I don't want it to get to the point where you have to run from me, but...I don't know. I just know that I'm messed up, and I don't want to repeat the past. Not with you. I don't want you to be...to be scared of me like my mother, and...I dunno...” And me. Like I was always scared. Tentatively, he stepped towards her part of the stage, swallowing hard so he could attempt to speak through the dry lump in his throat. “Can I...come closer to you?” I do want to make sure you're alright.

---------

Yukito Maki

The cold, commanding grip on his wrists was making his palms sweat and his stomach churn, but he continued to try and hide the pain through clenched teeth and a dark, falsely unafraid glare. The almost-useless jam of his wrists toward Trent in an attempt to escape did loosen the hold a little, at least. "Even if I don't succeed, it is none of your freaking business. It's my life with Erin, and there's clearly no mention of you in that equation, you moron. You, on the other hand, were about two drinks and five minutes away from tonguing my girlfriend while she was out wasted at a 'special outing' you'd talked her into, and all you can tell me is that you 'don't want to cut the crap'. So who's the one really filling her head with crap?”

Before anymore could be said, Trent abandoned the harsh, calloused grip of his hands, cranking back for a solid punch quicker than Yukito could react. Letting out a grunt as his only complaint, Yukito attempted to shake himself back together, thinking it was over and that one punch would finally make them square. Apparently, it didn't. Trent shook him roughly by the shoulders and quickly pinned Yukito the ground. Feeling the cement crack against his skull and sending quick volts of liquid heat and pain through his entire body. Cra-a-ap...that hurts. Then, of course, came the waves of panic as his body caught up with the fact that he was completely defenseless and vulnerable to whatever Trent decided to hit him with.

"She wasn't your girlfriend, idiot," Trent spat. "She left you. Or did you forget that little detail?" Yukito just let out a little groan of air, gritting his teeth against the white-hot flashes burning through his skull by now, and trying to force enough determination against the hands heavily laid on his shoulders. What was he supposed to do now? His mind flickered through the options

“Her leaving me doesn't me I stop giving a crap, you idiot,” he managed, grunting out his reply through clenched teeth more than actually speaking. “I still don't want her taken advantage of, with me or not.” While both of Trent's heavy, calloused hands were preoccupied with pinning down his shoulders, Yukito wriggled his legs out enough to shove his boot straight into Trent's gut, earning just enough leverage to roll out from under him. He didn't waste any time with jumping up to give Trent another swing with his boot.

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

She took the few steps to sit on the edge of the stage, legs dangling over but her hands tightly gripping the edge like a vice against the sudden swaying feeling sweeping her. "Yukito, you're not like that... You're not, but you're so freaking scared you will be that you expect it from yourself. So just... don't... You're better than that, and so am I. I love you.. I do... and I expect you to try, Yukito... to try to be who you are and not who you've been told you're expected to be. You're better than that, and you know it...." She closed her eyes briefly, hoping that blocking out some of the light would lessen the shards of pain jamming into her head.

“But what if I am, Erin, and you don't see it until it's too late?”

"I feel... bad..." she muttered before answering his question. And what a stupid question... "what if". She wanted to roll her eyes. Instead, Erin scooted back from the edge of the stage and laid down on her side, still staring away from Yukito. The movement didn't help the vertigo at all, but at least she didn't feel like she was gonna fall. "And what if the sky turns to fire and your nose falls off?" she asked dryly, knowing that with anyone else they would recognize the quote and scoff, but it was a perfectly valid argument even if it was quoting an animated character. "You can't keep living in worry and fear that you're gonna be like that... you aren't required by the laws of fate to cave and be just another statistic. You're different, and I know it, and you know it, but you keep buying into this lie that you're gonna fall... Self-fulfilling prophecy and all that...." The last sentence was muttered. Were these migraines or something? She never used to get them, so she didn't know what they were supposed to feel like. The vertigo wasn't helping anything either.

“I'm sorry, Erin. I'm always sorry. But I don't want that to be enough for you. I don't want it to get to the point where you have to run from me, but...I don't know. I just know that I'm messed up, and I don't want to repeat the past. Not with you. I don't want you to be...to be scared of me like my mother, and...I dunno...”

"Then don't," she reiterated, her annoyance evident in her voice. "You can't... live so paranoid or something... you're better that that, so act like it." She bit the inside of her cheek to avoid any verbal complaint of the sick feeling she felt.

“Can I...come closer to you?”

"Mm-hmm," she responded. "Just... think..." Erin added, finding it difficult to explain herself now. "Don't sink to that level just because you were told you would... whoever told you that was wrong.... Who told you that?" A pause, and Erin lifted her hand to cover her eyes, even though they were closed. It was totally dark now, but that wasn't helping any. Maybe they weren't migraines. "I don't feel any better yet... Are you gonna be okay, though, Yukito? Do you get what I mean? Do you believe me?"

-----

Trent Fisher

A solid fist and a tackle to the ground didn't seem to be enough. Not to make his point, even with the satisfying thud he heard when Yukito was pinned against the concrete. So for good measure he added to clarify, "She wasn't your girlfriend, idiot. She left you. Or did you forget that little detail?" Yukito just let out a little groan of air, his only protest to the force Trent was applying where he gripped him. It only served to fuel him, seeing Yukito's struggling reaction. Finally, he realized he wasn't invincible.

“Her leaving me doesn't me I stop giving a crap, you idiot,” Yukito managed, grunting out his reply through clenched teeth more than actually speaking, and earning himself another push against the ground, his muscles screaming from the tension in his arms, hands, and fingers. “I still don't want her taken advantage of, with me or not.”

The accusation sent Trent pulling back for another punch, the moment of shifting tension coinciding inconveniently with Yukito's close-range kick to his stomach. For a second, the breath was knocked out of him. His leverage against Yukito left long enough for the guy to get out from under him, and just as Trent got his bearings back, Yukito sent another kick his way, knocking him down and back. It wasn't making keeping his breath any easier, and he did have a solid kick.

Trent ignored the throbbing as best as he could, scrambling to his feet and ramming a strong uppercut to his stomach. Then another with his opposite hand, and he could feel the bones of Yukito's ribs where he hit him. His words completely left him, and Trent just grunted and growled incoherent sounds of his frustration with each strike. Who cared if Erin would throw one of her little fits when she learned what happened. All Trent cared about doing was sending Yukito back to her with a few bruises-- at least then he'd be brought back down to reality. Plus there was the accusation that he'd been "trying to take advantage" of her. That definitely had to be stopped. With his elbow, Trent slammed it into Yukito's chest.

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

"And what if the sky turns to fire and your nose falls off?" she asked dryly, and he looked at her at a complete loss. The way she said it, it sounded like a commonplace thing to say, but he'd never heard it before. But he got the point...she didn't want to live with 'if's. "You can't keep living in worry and fear that you're gonna be like that... you aren't required by the laws of fate to cave and be just another statistic. You're different, and I know it, and you know it, but you keep buying into this lie that you're gonna fall..." She muttered a little more to herself, and he halted himself mid-step toward her, unsure of himself and her.

“I'm sorry, Erin. I'm always sorry. But I don't want that to be enough for you. I don't want it to get to the point where you have to run from me, but...I don't know. I just know that I'm messed up, and I don't want to repeat the past. Not with you. I don't want you to be...to be scared of me like my mother, and...I dunno...”

"Then don't," she reiterated, her annoyance evident in her voice. "You can't... live so paranoid or something... you're better that that, so act like it." His eyes fell to the ground, mulling over her words. He wanted to understand the way she saw him, but it seemed impossible. It was like she saw body heat where others saw light, or that she was the only one not colorblind. It was a view he found unfathomable, how absolute her idea of him was, how much trust and belief she put into this vision of him that she alone saw. 'You're different...you're better...' Where did she get these ideas from, and why had that area been so cut off from him? He saw her mouth tense, and he knew he needed to reach out to her again.

Tentatively, he stepped towards her part of the stage, swallowing hard so he could attempt to speak through the dry lump in his throat. “Can I...come closer to you?”

"Mm-hmm," she responded. "Just... think..." He sat down next to her, at first an arm's distance away, then watching her face as he slowly inched his way closer. "Don't sink to that level just because you were told you would... whoever told you that was wrong.... Who told you that?"

The look her sent her was a little askance. As if she would have no idea who could instill in him that kind of idea? Yukito turned to look away from her, his gaze resting on the empty room. “I guess he was wrong about a lot of things, but he was also pretty good at getting me to believe things he said, as much as I tried not to.” He shrugged, and very quietly added, “I could've taken the hit, though. I know it wouldn't be so bad...” Sure, the bass had some harsh edges that would have made a mark, but knowing Erin's build and temperament, he knew she couldn't hit near so hard as others had.

A pause, and Erin lifted her hand to cover her eyes, and he wasn't sure what that meant. "I don't feel any better yet... Are you gonna be okay, though, Yukito? Do you get what I mean? Do you believe me?"

Ignoring her question, he leaned in closer until his face was in front of her hands. “What hurts? Is there anything I can do to help you?”

-----

Yukito Maki

“Her leaving me doesn't me I stop giving a crap, you idiot,” Yukito managed, grunting out his reply through clenched teeth more than actually speaking, and earning himself another push against the ground. He could feel the warm stickiness on the back of his head, and the rush of fear screaming through his brain. He struggled feebly for some kind of control, and found Trent an ironclad vice pinning him down. “I still don't want her taken advantage of, with me or not.” Trent pulled back for another punch at Yukito's bleeding face, and Yukito took advantage of the little window of opportunity for a quick kick to Trent's gut. The satisfying grunt as Trent lost all his breath was accompanied by a quick roll from Yukito as he escaped out of the other boy's reach. This was getting way out of hand, and the inner-logical side of him was ready to high-tail it out of there and not look back, even at the risk of being the pussy here. He knew Erin would probably be prying them apart right now. But he also knew that it had gone too far to not finish things. Scrambling to his feet as quickly as possible, Yukito braced himself for another well-aimed kick. This was one of the many reasons he found the over-the-top footwear necessary for a scrawny underling such as himself. Otherwise, Trent would have had all the advantage, and Yukito would once again be pulp with nothing to say for himself. It had happened too many times, and eventually, he had started to fight back. At the thrust of contact from the boot, Trent's whole body shifted at the movement, but he didn't give a cry or protest, just ignoring it and coming up to give Yukito another strong hit with his fist. First to the face – Yukito tasted his own blood in his mouth like a mini explosion of bitter and at the same time alluring taste – then to the chest. At the second hit, Yukito let out a broken gasp, feeling something wasn't right anymore in the region of his ribs. It was hard to breathe and the pain didn't subside after the initial contact. He hoped and prayed he didn't break something – the hospital bills would be horrendous, he knew, and he couldn't really handle explanations to Erin if he couldn't say they were just flesh wounds – as he poised himself for another dodge as Trent became increasingly relentless. Some he managed to avoid, but most of the hits went right where they should, and Yukito felt the world spin and shatter. When Trent managed to jam his elbow into Yukito's chest, he was already to the point where he couldn't see that it was an elbow that struck him, and his knees buckled beneath him as he crumpled to the ground.

“D*** you,” he growled. He couldn't see Trent very well, and his voice came choked through all the blood in his mouth at this point. He could feel his right cheek burning and his chest shrieked from the onslaught. He spat blood out at where he figured Trent's feet were. “You just can't deal with the fact that she loves me.”

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

“Can I...come closer to you?”

"Mm-hmm," she responded. "Just... think…" It was getting pretty hard to concentrate with everything going on around her. "Don't sink to that level just because you were told you would... whoever told you that was wrong.... Who told you that?" She knew who told him that.

“I guess he was wrong about a lot of things," Yukito said, confirming what she'd thought. "But he was also pretty good at getting me to believe things he said, as much as I tried not to.”

"We can fix that," Erin muttered quickly in response. If he was aware of it, and he didn't like it, he could change it. And she would help him.

Yukito shrugged, and very quietly added, “I could've taken the hit, though. I know it wouldn't be so bad...”

"Yukito…" Exasperated with that particular request, Erin massaged her forehead with the heel of her hand. "I don't care if you could take it or not… That's not the point… You know what I think about that." A pause, and Erin lifted her hand to cover her eyes. "I don't feel any better yet... Are you gonna be okay, though, Yukito? Do you get what I mean? Do you believe me?"

His next words came from very close to her face, and she lowered her hands to look at him as he spoke. “What hurts? Is there anything I can do to help you?”

"No, it's fine," Erin responded automatically. This isn't--and shouldn't be-- about me… "Just a little dizzy…" I feel like I'm floating, and it sort of makes me sick. "Would you be okay if I just laid my head on you?" She shifted towards him. "And you didn't answer my question. You need to answer it, Yukito."

-----

Trent Fisher

Yukito was making himself an easy target, not doing very much to defend himself at all. A few solid hits later, it struck Trent as absolutely pointless and kind of low to be pounding against someone who didn't try equally hard to fight back. In his frustration with Yukito, Trent jabbed his elbow into him. Almost immediately the guy crumpled to the ground, and that's when Trent's hands dropped to his side, his breathing reducing back to a semblance of regularity.

“D*** you,” growled Yukito, looking even lower from the angle Trent cast his gaze over him. Had he really been the cause of all the blood? Wow… A jolt went through him, but Trent didn't move away at the sudden mix of saliva and blood before him, some making it onto his shoes. His face crinkled in a deeper frown. “You just can't deal with the fact that she loves me.”

Really. After this whole thing, that's all he could say? Was she really all he ever thought about or something? The look on his face reflected Trent's thoughts of how pathetic Yukito could be. "That's what you think?" He crouched down, arms resting on his knees as he peered over Yukito. "I'm gonna have to chalk that mindlessness up to you being too punch-drunk. Because if you haven't noticed, I don't give a crap about your so-called 'love'."

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

“I guess he was wrong about a lot of things," Yukito said, "But he was also pretty good at getting me to believe things he said, as much as I tried not to.”

"We can fix that," Erin muttered quickly in response, so sure of herself, and him. He wished he could snatch up a little of that confidence.

He shrugged, and very quietly added, “I could've taken the hit, though. I know it wouldn't be so bad...”

"Yukito…" she sighed, massaging her forehead. "I don't care if you could take it or not… That's not the point… You know what I think about that." A pause, and Erin lifted her hand to cover her eyes. "I don't feel any better yet... Are you gonna be okay, though, Yukito? Do you get what I mean? Do you believe me?"

He moved closer, ignoring her question deliberately - he needed a little more time to try and figure out an answer for her. “What hurts? Is there anything I can do to help you?”

"No, it's fine," Erin responded automatically. He frowned, not believing her. "Just a little dizzy… Would you be okay if I just laid my head on you?" She shifted towards him, and he tried to subdue his surprise.

"Y-yeah...sure.." He mumbled uncertainly at the request, preparing himself mentally for the intrusion of space, as was his routine. "Do you need anything?" he breathed, the worry sounding so foreign in his own voice, making him falter off.

"And you didn't answer my question. You need to answer it, Yukito."

Do I really? he wondered. It didn't seem like such a monumental thing. "I dunno, Erin. I don't know if you're okay, or if we're okay." He stared off into the emptiness spaces of the room, the hollow sounds and the empty seats and the blank walls. It had all started as a simple argument, but of course - of course - it had turned into a huge deal. "I just want to know you'll say no to me when you need to... I don't want to hurt you."

-----

Yukito Maki

He was getting so many flashbacks from this, he was sure his head was about to explode. His mind couldn't keep him placed firmly in front of Trent, fellow band-member and - at least in his mind - competitor for claim of Erin. He knew that he was a terrible fighter, and even worse at any self-defense that actually worked successfully...but he continued to try. At least he knew how much blood he could lose before he started getting too woozy for coherent thought. The problem was - Trent was even bigger and stronger than most of the guys he was used to, and it made it hard to avoid any hits at all. With a thrust with an elbow to his chest, Yukito felt the world start to spin. He let it go, crumpling pathetically to the ground. That hurts.. Yukito's mind spun with hospital possibilities. This was really the last thing he needed right now. But it had been coming for a long time.

“D*** you,” growled Yukito, spitting blood at Trent's feet. “You just can't deal with the fact that she loves me.” He blinked hard to clear his vision and saw Trent's expression of mockery. Of course, he should have known that bringing the idea of love in the middle of a fight and to a guy like Trent had been utterly ridiculous. Yukito glanced down at the ground in front of him to see if there was more blood than he had figured before.

"That's what you think?" Trent crouched down, arms resting on his knees as he peered over Yukito. He wanted to spit at him again, but he waited, jaw tense as he glared up at Trent as best as he could while he could see multiple clones of Trent over both his shoulders. "I'm gonna have to chalk that mindlessness up to you being too punch-drunk. Because if you haven't noticed, I don't give a crap about your so-called 'love'."

'So-called 'love'.'

Some people can be so oblivious. "Of course," he grinned, tasting the metallic blood on his tongue. "That's why you're slamming me. Because you don't give a crap. I understand." Taking advantage of the opening Trent left way too wide, thinking Yukito was far past capable of getting a shot in, Yukito pulled back and slammed Trent a fast uppercut of his own, trying to put some of his now-dead weight into the throw. Pulling his fist above Trent's, he didn't hesitate to finish it with slamming his clenched fingers across Trent's nose on the way back down, trying to utilize his precious seconds. "Here's the thing - I don't give a crap about you, either." You could actually be trying to kill me and I wouldn't care. It doesn't change things, it doesn't make you a better guy. It just makes you more ridiculous than even me.

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

“What hurts?" Yukito asked, making her frown at his avoiding the question. "Is there anything I can do to help you?”

"No, it's fine," Erin responded automatically. The way he asked that reminded her of those salespeople that hovered around you, then jumped in on you at the first sign of confusion. Yikes... "Just a little dizzy… Would you be okay if I just laid my head on you?"

"Y-yeah...sure.." Erin thought he sounded flustered. Well, it would make sense if he was... Still, she tilted her head to rest on his shoulder, automatically straining to keep from invading him too much. It was easy to forgive, but not so easy to forget, and she knew it wasn't time for anything else, anyway. "Do you need anything?"

"Just shut up and let me stay here for a minute," she retorted fast. The idea of him babying her and fretting over her was not setting well. "And you didn't answer my question. You need to answer it, Yukito."

He was quiet for a minute, then finally, "I dunno, Erin. I don't know if you're okay, or if we're okay."

"I'm fine, Yukito, gah... And we will be okay.. Okay? You just can't sit back and ]i]let[/i] things fall however they want, though... You gotta do something, okay?"

"I just want to know you'll say no to me when you need to... I don't want to hurt you."

"Yukito," she sighed. "You know me by now... You have to. I'll always win when it comes to being more stubborn than you," Erin told him, hoping to lighten his mood a little. At the same time, though, she gave him an honest answer. "Plus, I already know you're gonna not give me those times where I gotta say no. And don't give me that 'what if' crap." She sat up and looked at him, giving him a tiny smile. "Do, or do not. There is no try."

------------

Trent Fisher

“You just can't deal with the fact that she loves me,” Yukito growled out, and Trent had to stifle the urge to toss his head back and laugh. He just made himself into way more of a sap than Trent would have ever labeled him before. He was really stuck on that whole "she loves me and will stay with me no matter what" bull. It was laughable!

"That's what you think?" Trent crouched down, arms resting on his knees as he peered over Yukito. "I'm gonna have to chalk that mindlessness up to you being too punch-drunk. Because if you haven't noticed, I don't give a crap about your so-called 'love'." Because, really, what he gave a crap about was the way he was determined to string Erin along and delude himself that it was some kind of noble.

"Of course," Yukito declared with a sardonic, bloodied smile. "That's why you're slamming me. Because you don't give a crap. I understand."

Trent rolled his eyes, a poor choice in retrospect. "You're still delud--" His words were cut short with Yukito's sudden movement, sending Trent back in a sharp, cracking pain. The unexpected slam sent him backward off his precarious perch, and the once-broken nose now suffered more, sending a trail of blood down onto his mouth. The heat targeted that part of his face, a sure sign of a quick swell. And still, Trent felt himself smile. In Yukito's swift action, Trent had still been the one to "break" him. And that was really all he'd wanted in the first place.

"Here's the thing - I don't give a crap about you, either," Yukito told him as Trent regained his bearings. He stood up gingerly, feeling the sores, scraps, and wounds he'd acquired in their scuffle, only minor injuries to the now throbbing portions of his face. "Yeah," he grunted out, "great." He now had to remind himself not to breath through his nose. "Just get back to your living shadow already, and tell her what you did for her. She'd love to play doctor on you." Without another word, Trent took his keys out of his pocket that had somehow managed not to stab him in the leg during the whole ordeal, and marched over to where is car was parked on the side of the road. In a few quick, irate moves, he was sitting in the driver's seat, engine on, and car in reverse, music too loud for him to hear what Yukito might be saying on the other side.

He could deal with the fact he thought he loved her. That was fine and dandy. The guy was one giant bag of pathetic. But Trent refused to just deal with him thinking that that meant he could treat her however he wanted, take advantage of her however he wanted, and string her along in all her ridiculous hopes and devotion for as long as he cared to deal with her.

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

"Y-yeah...sure.." he managed, unexpectedly finding her laying her head on his shoulder for comfort. "Do you need anything?"

"Just shut up and let me stay here for a minute," she retorted fast. Immediately he clamped his mouth shut, sitting still for a moment. "And you didn't answer my question. You need to answer it, Yukito."

He had to pause and consider, then finally added, "I dunno, Erin. I don't know if you're okay, or if we're okay."

"I'm fine, Yukito, gah... And we will be okay.. Okay? You just can't sit back and let things fall however they want, though... You gotta do something, okay?"

He looked down at the floor. "I just want to know you'll say no to me when you need to... I don't want to hurt you."

"Yukito," she sighed. "You know me by now... You have to. I'll always win when it comes to being more stubborn than you," Erin told him, he offered a tight little smile. "Plus, I already know you're gonna not give me those times where I gotta say no." He started to speak but she cut him off with, "And don't give me that 'what if' crap." She sat up and looked at him, giving him a tiny smile. "Do, or do not. There is no try."

He looked down at her solemnly, considering her words. Then, he let out a sigh, "I'm sorry. Can we just...I don't know. Rewind back to this morning or something?"

------------

Yukito Maki


"Of course," Yukito declared with a sardonic, bloodied smile. "That's why you're slamming me. Because you don't give a crap. I understand."

Trent rolled his eyes, "You're still delud--" Yukito quickly cut off Trent's words, kicking at Trent and rolling away. Successfully out of Trent's reach while the taller guy was still down, and more blood was shed that - for once - was not his own.

"Here's the thing - I don't give a crap about you, either," Yukito told him as Trent regained his bearings. Yukito felt a stab of fear at the smile on Trent's face, the blood pouring down it and offering a grim addition to the image.

"Yeah," he grunted out, "Great. Just get back to your living shadow already, and tell her what you did for her. She'd love to play doctor on you." Trent turned on his heel and raced away to hide away in his car, the music blaring out of the vehicle on purpose so Trent couldn't hear the long trail of colorful names Yukito was sending his way at the top of his lungs. As the engine roared, Yukito's brow furrowed and he walked up to the driver's side of the car. Turning around, he sent his heel driving into the cheap, worn exterior of the car, slamming it three times before stepping back to view the sizable dent his boot had made. Then, he made a rude gesture at the guy behind the mirror and walked away, for the first time realizing the jolts of pain each movement sent to his ribs, and all the blood he'd managed to exude across the pavement. As he walked down the street, he had two thoughts -had their new employer for the band seen that? and... what was Erin going to say to this?

Yukito is done heeya.

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

"I just want to know you'll say no to me when you need to... I don't want to hurt you."

"Yukito," she sighed, willing herself to push away the frustration he was making her feel now. "You know me by now... You have to. I'll always win when it comes to being more stubborn than you." She glanced up at him to see a faint smile on his face. She tried again. "Plus, I already know you're gonna not give me those times where I gotta say no." Erin cut him off before he could object-- "And don't give me that 'what if' crap." She sat up and looked at him, giving him a tiny smile. "Do, or do not. There is no try."

Either he somehow missed the super-obvious Yoda-quote, or he'd been really deprived of movies as a child, but Yukito didn't seem to object to Star Wars logic being used in her argument. And hey, it was legit words of advice, too...

"I'm sorry. Can we just...I don't know. Rewind back to this morning or something?"

Erin exhaled a little, suddenly feeling that rush of relief easing up on her chest and head. "Yeah," she breathed, giving a little nod. "I'd like that..." Her hand found his, and she sighed again. "Let's just go home... I don't think I could finish this practice if I tried right now... I promise I'll do better next time, though... you know, with the whole... thing.... if you still wanna try, I mean..." she mumbled awkwardly.

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

"I just want to know you'll say no to me when you need to... I don't want to hurt you."

"Yukito," she sighed, exasperated, "You know me by now... You have to. I'll always win when it comes to being more stubborn than you." She glanced up at him as he gave a little smile. "Plus, I already know you're gonna not give me those times where I gotta say no." He started to protest against that, but she cut him off before he could speak, "And don't give me that 'what if' crap." She sat up and looked at him, giving him a tiny smile. "Do, or do not. There is no try."

He seriously considered her words for a moment. He supposed she was right. No one should spend their lives continually hoping things were gonna change. No one could get by with just a 'good try' all the time. If he kept accepting partway all the time, he'd never get anywhere. if he failed, he failed. But he wasn't good at accepting failure. It more closely festered than made its home in him. "I'm sorry. Can we just...I don't know. Rewind back to this morning or something?"

Erin exhaled a little, giving a little nod, "Yeah, I'd like that..." Her hand found his, and she sighed again as he squeezed her hand gently. "Let's just go home... I don't think I could finish this practice if I tried right now... I promise I'll do better next time, though... you know, with the whole... thing.... if you still wanna try, I mean..."

"Of course I want to. But I guess I need to stop trying and start doing myself, too," he grumbled. "Just know that I'm going to screw up. Probably a lot, but, I don't know... hopefully we'll find something worth it afterwards?"

He stood up, holding down a hand to help her stand before going to pick up his bass and sling it back over his shoulder. "I do love you, Erin. I really do. I just don't see myself the way you do, and that bothers me..."