Gert Town Pool

[GGJ5]

OOC: really poorly written out of element-ness with extra doses of lame and awkward. You have been noted. BIC:

Erin Spenser

Yukito following after her was exactly what she'd hoped he'd do. Chase after me! Even so, when he was close enough to almost touch her, Erin shrieked before breaking into robust laughter when his hands finally found her. Got you!" And with that exclamation, Yukito claimed what he'd earned from their race-- the kiss she'd hoped he'd chase after. The kiss that now reaffirmed that they belonged together, to each other, in everything. Everything.

Yukito started to pull away, and automatically Erin's hands went to his head to urge him to stay; it wasn't necessary. He kissed her again, longer, deeper. You love me, you want to keep me, you like keeping me with you... and I love you more than anyone. I love you and want to be with you, all the time, every where, every way I can... I love that you like to hold me so much, that you like to hug me and kiss me and be with me, that we can make each other feel so perfect...

"I love you.." Yukito voiced when he did finally pull away. Erin could feel him breathing. There was nothing else to look at but him, and she felt like she was at the best part of the best dream she could have, just being there, completely in love. She knew she was completely in love with him now, but she'd never thought she could feel so loved, and just by him holding her. Just by his lips against hers. Just by those things... Because we belong to each other. Did he have any clue how amazing he was? How loved and wonderful and perfect he made her feel? She dropped her arms from around his neck to his waist, feeling his light laughter the same way she'd felt his breathing.

"I've never had anything like this, Erin. Lame as that sounds... and I don't want to mess this up ever again."

They drew closer to each other, her stomach against him as she gave her own quiet laugh. "You won't, Yukito... You always go on about how everything has issues, that this has issues and that has issues, but it doesn't have to. We can fix that..." She punctuated her sentence with a brief kiss on his lips.

"Do me a favor, and don't ever leave, okay?" He smiled, making her smile back.

"I love you too much to go anywhere without you," she insisted, though her voice was soft. Erin kept her hold around his waist, giving him another kiss--longer this time-- before repeating it at his jawline and then once more on his neck. "I love you so much..." she breathed, nestling her head on him and one hand tracing his spine. Erin felt herself give him another kiss, still lower than his lips. "I'm yours..."

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

"I've never had anything like this, Erin. Lame as that sounds... and I don't want to mess this up ever again."

"You won't, Yukito... You always go on about how everything has issues, that this has issues and that has issues, but it doesn't have to. We can fix that..." She punctuated her sentence with a brief kiss on his lips. You don't know...you still don't know.

I need to tell Erin. Cassie had said that, hadn't she? That he should tell her about his dad. But how was he supposed to start with that? How would something like that come out? And why should it now, when they were finally over the night's drama and he was getting strong enough to begin forgetting?

"Do me a favor, and don't ever leave, okay?" He smiled, making her smile back.

"I love you too much to go anywhere without you,"she breathed. Her hands encircled his waist, and that was when it started. A chill ran up through his stomach and into his throat, making his breath catch in his throat; this time not in a good way. Another kiss from Erin, and he felt cold all over. Hold on, Erin... he begged her silently, not responding as well as he should have. Urgh...I need a minute.. Instead of heeding to the mental plea, though, she came on stronger, her lips tracing a path downward. Yukito placed his hands on her shoulders, struggling to breathe and bury again. He tried to smile but the warm water around them was starting to feel like a suffocating blanket that started creeping up and encompassing him. Erin...

"I love you so much..." she breathed, nestling her head on him and one hand tracing his spine. The combination of that and the sensation of her lips, her hold on him, sent a shiver through his whole body. Erin...please... "I'm yours..."

When she continued, he started to put a distance between them, shivering again as his hands held her out at arm's length. "Erin..." he whispered hoarsely, his hands shaking. S***** hands...stop it! It's Erin! Erin!

But it would mean nothing to him if he didn't stop this now, before his instincts took over and Erin wasn't Erin anymore. "Erin...don't...please...don't...don't do that..." he was sure she would misunderstand, and he looked away, feeling guilty again. The familiar stabbing sensation in his chest, the rock in his gut, and he hated it all, most of all his body for tensing up and reacting to her in this way.

His eyes fell to the choppy surface of the water, and he slowly insisted his breathing even out, the sucking in of air alleviating the sensation of being smothered that he was experiencing. "I'm sorry...that's too far..." God, I think I'm gonna be sick. ****.

"I'm sorry...." he still held her back, more firmly now even as his strength waned, his eyes not rising to meet hers. "You....I'm sorry..." Yukito began to move away, his eyes searching desperately for his shirt, discarded in a pile on the cement somewhere. He reached for it, hesitating with it in his hands, about to put it back on. But instead he found himself straining to swallow the lump in his throat, clutching the shirt in his hands and sucking in a self-loathing breath. I'm sorry, Erin. You can't touch me there...not yet...not so fast.. D***, I'm so weak...

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

When had he started moving away from her? She didn't know, but suddenly he was keeping her at bay, holding her away from him as far as he could. And it was like she'd swallowed a lead ball that just landed in the pit of her stomach. Oh my god, I've ruined everything and I didn't even mean to do anything at all...

"Erin..."

He didn't want her to touch him. He didn't want her even near him. She'd pushed him away from her when all she'd wanted was to bring them closer together. And that hurt so much to think about... it hurt so much that it was hard to swallow, and she could only stand there and stare at him helplessly. I ruined it. You don't want me. I ruined it all. I ruined it all by myself. I ruined it.

"Erin...don't...please...don't...don't do that..."

He didn't even want to see her, much less be near her.

He didn't want her near him.

He didn't want her, and she'd ruined it all.

"I- I didn't--" I didn't think. I didn't know. I didn't understand. All of them repeated hundreds of times in her small lifetime from her lips. And all of them true. And all of them true now. She didn't think. She didn't know. She didn't understand.

She couldn't.

"I'm sorry...that's too far..."

He kept her away. She'd pushed him away. She could hate herself for that. She did hate herself for that. How could she have been so stupid?!

"I'm sorry.... You....I'm sorry..." He removed himself from her completely, and she wondered why he hadn't done that sooner. She repulsed him now, she knew it. Maybe she'd never get to even look at him in the eyes again. Why did I do that to him? Why did I ruin it? Why do I have to be so stupid all the time?

She looked away, too, down into the dark nothingness of the water, then moved and found herself tugging her knees in her arms, with her forehead hiding behind them, sitting outside the pool by the small concrete steps leading downward. Erin wanted to cry, but now that she wanted it, she found that she couldn't. Nothing would come. But nothing would leave. It was all wedged there, inside her throat, a weight blocking everything else from leaving or coming.

"Yu--" Then nothing. Then another try. "Yu-- I-- I didn't-- I wasn't--" Still speaking with her face hiding behind her raised knees. The smaller she was the safer she felt. But it wasn't making much of a difference. She couldn't just not say anything now... he didn't deserve that. He didn't deserve someone like her. Does that make me a slut? I bet it does... I bet it does and he'll never want to be near me ever again, because I'm a stupid slut. She curled up tighter, suddenly feeling very exposed. If he didn't want to touch her and he didn't want to be near her, he certainly didn't want to see her. She ached to hide herself.

"I didn't think-- I never think! I never do, and then I ruin everything!" she yelled at her knees. "I didn't even know where the line was, Yukito..." You never told me. Why didn't you tell me before I tried something so STUPID? I just wanted to be with you... I wanted us to be closer... just closer, because I really do love you... but how can I be close to you now, when you don't even want to see me? When you think I'm horrible? When I make myself look like a stupid slutty girl? Is that what I really am? Oh my god, I've ruined it all... "I ruined it," she repeated weakly, feeling herself quivering from her shame and shivering from the stark night air against her wet skin. I always ruin it. "I'll walk home. You won't have to be around me again. I'll walk home and leave you alone, I'll do whatever you want me to, Yukito, just tell me what you want me to do..." At least you can see that I'm trying to make up for it... I'm trying to still make you happy, even if you don't want to be happy with me. Even when I'm a disappointment to you, too... A tear finally managed to fall, mingling with the chlorinated drops snaking down from her hair.

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

"I'm sorry...that's too far...” he managed weakly, very conscious of his forced breathing. It was like he had the flu again, the churning in his stomach sickening him and making him nauseous. “I'm sorry.... You....I'm sorry..." Yukito pulled himself away, and like wounded creatures in a battle for life, they retreated to opposite ends, distanced yet again because of him. And despite the fact that she was far away from him – miles, in his mind's eye – he still felt suffocated. He couldn't bring himself to shut himself off from her when he knew it would end up smothering him to death. Maybe that was why he hated the water. He couldn't escape from it. The water collected around itself, creating a barrier that would cling to him and pull him under. To play in the water meant to play with death itself, with vulnerability. It would be so easy for someone to pull you down, the lack of gravity making you so simple to tug beneath the surface. And it only took a few minutes to give in and die. Yukito clung desperately to the discarded shirt, his fingers white against the fabric as he strained not to cry again.

"Yu--Yu-- I-- I didn't-- I wasn't--" her voice came to him muffled, weakened. "I didn't think-- I never think! I never do, and then I ruin everything! I didn't even know where the line was, Yukito..."

“Erin...” he whispered, but he was sure she didn't hear him. It was as if they were talking mostly to themselves. It made more sense when he visualized a thick barrier between them. Yukito looked up to see her curled up tightly in a self-protective position. She doesn't know, and I have to tell her.

"I ruined it," he could see her shivering, "I'll walk home. You won't have to be around me again. I'll walk home and leave you alone, I'll do whatever you want me to, Yukito, just tell me what you want me to do..."

“No!” his voice broke as he shouted over to her, trying to reach her somehow, “Don't leave me! You can't! Erin...it's not you. Really, it isn't...” he worked the shirt between his hands in a strange way, twisting it as if to punish it, his shoulders stiff, “I'm...I meant to tell you. I needed to, but I didn't want to....I never want to....” I never want to make you pity me. His face began to twist, and angrily he growled, “S***, Erin, you should know that! It's not you!” He worked the shirt even more, standing up and taking steps towards her, taking a move forward, then stopping. Then moving forward again when a wave of determination overcame him, until he was standing just in front of her.

“I'm messed up, Erin...and I need to tell you...Because you deserve to know more about me, just because you want to...” He knew that made no sense, but he could feel that it was true in his head, “I want you to be closer to me, and I wish I could just learn about you and that would be enough, but...” he knelt down in front of her, his hoarse whisper sounding anxious and desperate, “I'm getting better. You can touch me. I need you to touch me and let me know...it's alright. That you'll love me..." He grabbed at her hand and placed it against his cheek. "There's a wall, still, Erin. But it's not coming between the fact that I love you." His face darkened, and his jaw tensed, "It's around my past. Around my parents...and the person I used to be. Please, Erin...forgive me...I'm sorry... I have to tell you..."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

"I ruined it," she croaked out through her shivering. It was hard to keep her teeth from chattering. "I'll walk home. You won't have to be around me again. I'll walk home and leave you alone, I'll do whatever you want me to, Yukito, just tell me what you want me to do..." She tried closing herself in more, increasing the ripping sensation at her shoulder blades, the twisting feeling in her neck, and the knuckles of an iron fist in her skull. I deserve it. I earned every minute of it.

“No!” She couldn't tell if he was shouting because he was mad at her or he was shouting because the idea of her acting out on her words really got to him that much. So she figured he was still mad at her. Goodness knows he had every right to be... "I'm horrible to you..."

“Don't leave me! You can't! Erin...it's not you. Really, it isn't...”

She let out a little moan, squeezing her eyes shut tight in frustration with herself. "Stop it..." Stop lying to me. It can't be anyone else but me, I'm the only other one here...

“I'm...I meant to tell you. I needed to, but I didn't want to....I never want to.... S***, Erin, you should know that! It's not you!”

He was still furious with her. And knowing that she was the cause of the whole ordeal, her misunderstanding him, her not catching onto his signals to leave him alone, her jumping ahead of the both of them... it all made the tears come out finally. "I know! I should know that, I should know a lot of things but I never do!" The effort to hide her chattering teeth dropped as she spoke, the sounds shivering out past her lips. "I'm so stupid!" she screamed at her shaking knees.

"I'm messed up, Erin..." The sound of his voice told her that he was now close to her, instead of so far away. Why? Why do you want to be around me now? "Why?"

"And I need to tell you...Because you deserve to know more about me, just because you want to...”

I'm so stupid... I didn't even think about it, but that's what stupid people do, they don't think!

“I want you to be closer to me, and I wish I could just learn about you and that would be enough, but...”

"What?" she croaked out, glancing up at him with her distraught expression, still blinking saltwater.

“I'm getting better. You can touch me. I need you to touch me and let me know...it's alright. That you'll love me..." He grabbed at her hand and placed it against his cheek. She pulled it back into her curled-up position with a groan. Every time she jumped back in whenever he said something like that, it always ended up being too soon, and this time she didn't want that.

"There's a wall, still, Erin. But it's not coming between the fact that I love you."

She didn't understand. She had no idea what he was talking about. And she hated it. "What wall?" Yukito....

"It's around my past. Around my parents...and the person I used to be. Please, Erin...forgive me...I'm sorry... I have to tell you..."

"Stop saying you're sorry!" Erin finally insisted, now looking up at him completely, sending only a little relief to the burning in her muscles. "Yukito... you weren't the one that did anything wrong..." She dropped one hand to her side-- she wouldn't touch him again, but she really wanted him to reassure her by taking her hand. "I just don't-- I'm confused... I'm sorry."

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

“I'm...I meant to tell you. I needed to, but I didn't want to....I never want to.... S***, Erin, you should know that! It's not you!”

"I know! I should know that, I should know a lot of things but I never do!" She was shivering violently, and he knew he had to try and fix it. But the more he spoke to her, the more she seemed ready to shut down and slip away again. No, Erin. We're not gonna lose it at this. I'm not going to let that happen. This should be such a small thing, but I always make it into some sort of huge novel of horrible experiences for you. "I'm so stupid!"

"No, you're not...I'm messed up, Erin..."

"Why?" The simple question made him halt his slow march towards her. Why am I so messed up? Because I was already weak, and my father knew that.

"There are a lot of reasons..." He kept coming closer to her, until he was directly in front of her. He sank to the ground with the shirt in one hand. "And I need to tell you...Because you deserve to know more about me, just because you want to...” Did you know I've never told Aidousan? I should have. So he could keep an eye out for my father. To stay away from him...so he would understand. He blames himself, too, Erin. He thinks he can help me, and each time I run away, he hurts worse. It took me so long to say anything...to anybody. It makes me feel better to shut them out. It makes me feel more powerful than I am. It makes things easier to ignore. But it's never gonna be easy with us. I don't want it to be easy, because then you might realize I'm not worth it.

“I want you to be closer to me, and I wish I could just learn about you and that would be enough, but...”

"What?" She raised her head to look at him, confusion in her eyes and tears mixed with the bitter tasting pool water on her face.

“I'm getting better. You can touch me. I need you to touch me and let me know...it's alright. That you'll love me..."He took her hand and roughly pressed it to his cheek. See? I'm learning. I can learn to write new memories over the old ones.

Erin pulled her hand back and retreated from him physically, and his face twisted as if she had slammed a cement block into his gut.

"There's a wall, still, Erin. But it's not coming between the fact that I love you."

"What wall?"

"The wall that keeps me from loving you like you need. The one that didn't let me tell you about Natalie. It's around my past. Around my parents...and the person I used to be. Please, Erin...forgive me...I'm sorry... I have to tell you..."

"Stop saying you're sorry!" she snapped, her face flying upward to meet his eyes. The force of her gaze made him freeze, unable to move or speak. Then what do you need from me? I don't know if I can give you more...not yet. "Yukito... you weren't the one that did anything wrong..."

Her hand dropped, and his eyes locked on it. He wished he could hold it, but he was afraid of her pushing him away again. He hated the feeling of her moving away from him, of making him leave. "I just don't-- I'm confused... I'm sorry."

"Erin...I don't know what to do..." he said, still staring at her hand as if it could offer him comfort just by letting him watch the droplets slowly escape her fingertips and make dark spots on the cement. "I did do wrong when I pushed you away like that. When I couldn't stop myself from remembering it was just you, and that you loved me... I forget, Erin." He looked back up at her face, "I'm....I can't let you touch me like that yet. I didn't mean to keep doing this to you...."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

"Stop saying you're sorry!" she snapped at him, before her expression softened when she saw his face. "Yukito... you weren't the one that did anything wrong..." I did wrong. I'm wrong. I didn't think it would be wrong to want to be with you, but I was wrong, and now everything's screwed up again...

Her fears were perpetuated when her offering of reestablishing contact was refuted, leaving her cold hand shivering and exposed. Just like the rest of her. You don't want me... "I just don't-- I'm confused... I'm sorry."

"Erin...I don't know what to do..." She was too cold and too exposed to let her arms be unwound from her any longer, and Erin pulled back into herself, fingers locked together encircling her knees. She continued to shudder, her muscles taut and stretched and burning, her heartbeat mocking her in her ears. I don't know, either. I don't know anything. I thought I knew you liked being with me, that it was good to want to be with you as much as I could, but you don't, and now I don't know what I do know, so I still don't know anything.

"I did do wrong when I pushed you away like that. When I couldn't stop myself from remembering it was just you, and that you loved me... I forget, Erin."

She kept her mouth closed despite the shudder in her jaw as she looked at him blankly. It seemed impossible to make heads or tails of what he just said. Stupid. I keep being so stupid.

"I'm....I can't let you touch me like that yet. I didn't mean to keep doing this to you...."

"I don't know what you want," came the weak words, broken through shivers the night air caused as it brushed past her wet skin. I don't know what I want, either. "I don't know what you want me to do... I thought-- I thought that... I just--" Why was it so hard to explain? Because I never thought I'd be in this situation. The entire world up til recently had been made of "we'll cross that bridge when we get there" moments for Erin... and those moments seemed to be rapidly vanishing around her. It was very unfamiliar territory. "I thought because we love each other it was fine," she forced out in a rush of words that sounded as if they'd all been squished together on an overcrowded bus. "I keep being so stupid!"

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

"I'm....I can't let you touch me like that yet. I didn't mean to keep doing this to you...."

"I don't know what you want," she managed in a feeble voice. Yukito's face darkened yet again at her words, because they stabbed right in the direction of a conversation he had wanted to avoid for as long as possible. "I don't know what you want me to do... I thought-- I thought that... I just--"

"I thought because we love each other it was fine," her words, rather than being spoken, tumbled from her lips as though she had been suppressing them. Again. Nothing's changed. he thought with horror. "I keep being so stupid!"

For a moment the feeling of oppressive self-blame he always experienced when things started to hurt the people around him was alleviated by the realization that this could very well have been Erin's fault. Hadn't she pushed too far? Hadn't she been the one who had pressed a boundary they had both been ignoring existed? With the guilt lifted, he was able to breath a little easier, long enough to look up at her and watch her intently, perhaps even numbly. He took in the image of her there, curled up in a familiar defensive gesture, shutting out the embarrassment and the rejection, the expectation she had formed in her head of what he might do or say. At the sight of her expression, however, the attempts at self-preparation for whatever he decided to do with her or not, the guilt and self-blame came flooding back fast enough to make him dizzy. Don't be an idiot!

In one instant he had rushed over and wrapped his arms around her desperately as if to cradle and shield her all at once, struggling to comfort as his body felt too hot and weak to keep a grip on her should she try to get away from him again. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry. It was my fault. I should have known. I should have talked to you about it, because I knew it was going to happen but I wasn't prepared for it..." If he was honest with himself - and this rarely was the case - he would have to admit he had thought about this sort of thing hundreds of times. But he hadn't wanted to deal with it, to face it. "I'm sorry, Erin...please don't be upset..." The way he had been rocking her back and forth in his arms ceased all in an instant, and the burning in his veins he experienced as her skin pressed against his became quickly unbearable, and he had to pull himself away from her in mere moments, scraping his leg against the cement as he drew back, his head in his hands and angry, hot tears on his face. "****!" he swore several times, loudly, "****! I want to hold you!" This fact he demanded of himself to change forever came out in a strangled growl, and he looked up at her almost resentfully. But what he resented was his own lack of willpower. "Why can't I do this, Erin? I want to but I don't..."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

"I thought because we love each other it was fine," she forced out in a rush, feeling stupider with each syllable for thinking that way. "I keep being so stupid!" Why had she said anything? Why had she done anything? Why did she ruin everything when it had been going so perfect? And now everything is ruined and it's all my stupid, stupid, brainless, idiot fault!! Just take me away! she begged silently. Just take me away from here so I can forget it ever happened, please!!

Then suddenly the feeling of his arms around her again shocked the silent pleading out of her. Erin was stunned, squelching the urge to cry, to scream, to disappear. He would touch her again, he didn't think she was disgusting or repulsive or anything anymore, even though the way he'd pushed her away could only be because of that. Yukito held her, rocking her in his arms, and Erin thought that maybe she'd just taken him off guard, been too fast, but now it would be okay, because he wasn't caught off guard anymore and he really did like keeping her so close with him. He still wanted her, maybe. "I'm sorry...I'm sorry. It was my fault. I should have known. I should have talked to you about it, because I knew it was going to happen but I wasn't prepared for it... I'm sorry, Erin...please don't be upset..." Timidly, Erin pulled herself to him, trying to accept his attempt of comfort, her hands pressing lightly on his back.

Stupid move.

He stopped. He stopped cradling her, he stopped holding her, he stopped keeping her. She'd been all wrong, she thought as he yanked away from her. He hadn't liked her so close at all, had tried again to force himself to get over her, and it had failed-- she really must disgust him more than he wanted to admit. It hurt so much to think she was why he couldn't stand to be too near her. Something inherently wrong with her being her that she was too dumb to see herself.

He couldn't even show her his face. That's how much he couldn't stand her now, wasn't it? All because she'd let herself get too caught up, too hopeful, too quick, too stupid, just like always. Erin wished she could tear every goosebump from her skin, and then maybe he would find her bearable again. Her short-cropped nails dug into her skin where she was gripping her arms where they linked around herself in a self-imposed hug, fingertips near where the arm met the shoulder. I made it worse, she thought numbly, the chill in the air spiking harshly in between her ribs. Another wave of pain pounded through her stupid head.

"****!" he swore several times, loudly, "****! I want to hold you!"

The way he said it, and Erin knew she sucked at reading the way people talked, but he was making it clear as crystal-- there was no way on this earth he wanted to hold her. He'd never want anything else from her, either. Ever. She wasn't what he'd hoped for, and he found it awful. You don't want to hold me. You don't. You don't want to hold me. You don't want me at all. I'm not what you wanted. You don't want me at all. You don't want to hold me. You don't. You don't.

"Why can't I do this, Erin? I want to but I don't..."

At that, Erin's eyes shot up toward him, nonverbal daggers at his words. "You don't!" she snapped at him, the disgust with herself coming out in her tone. Now she had scrambled to her feet, arms clutched around her stomach, pressing in on her sides deeply. "Stop telling me you do when you don't!" A few steps backwards, toward the room where she'd left her bag, so maybe there she could hide and try to forget how her stupid brain had gone and screwed up everything, and try to hide how disgusting he found her. "You don't want me, just tell me!" she shouted back. "Tell me, so I don't keep thinking-- tell me! Tell me! Tell me that I'm not as pretty as you'd hoped! Tell me you think I'm disgusting now! Tell me you can't stand me and you'll never want me! Tell me!"

Fighting back the new wave of tears and admitting her words aloud, Erin felt sick. Physically ill, and dizzy, and like someone was taking a hacksaw to her head just above her eyes, the blade slicing through the center trying to cleave her in two. And she was on the ground again, the cement swimming, ears ringing, a dozen new bruises probably blossoming along the right side of her body. Make it quit hurting so much... On top of it all, Erin still felt her own shivering.

She pushed herself up to an upright sitting position, staring blankly at her bare, bruised, scuffed and goosebump-ed knees.

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

Why was it when he hesitated, he felt as if there was so much more he could have done...but when he leapt into something without thinking, it just seemed to be worse afterwards? She had just started to calm against him, nudging closer, silently asking for him to give her more comfort, more warmth. He held her, shaking all the while from a thousand thoughts and memories. Then the sensation of cold and clammy versus warm and sweaty trickled up his back, making him stiffen. He hated to think it. I can't handle it.

In moments he was too far away from her again, and the sinking in his stomach was back, frustration and infuriating him. He swore loudly, his voice hollow, "****! I want to hold you! Why can't I do this, Erin? I want to but I don't..."

"You don't!" she snapped, and he looked up to meet her eyes. He could see the anger in her eyes, too. "Stop telling me you do when you don't!"

"I do, Erin..." he whispered in a dark tone. I'm no good at change. I'm no good at fixing myself. All I'm good at it is ignoring things. All I'm good at is pretending that I don't hate who I see in the mirror, because that guy looks too much like my father.

"You don't want me, just tell me!" she continued, "Tell me, so I don't keep thinking-- tell me! Tell me! Tell me that I'm not as pretty as you'd hoped! Tell me you think I'm disgusting now! Tell me you can't stand me and you'll never want me! Tell me!"

"I did ****ing tell you, Erin!" he shouted at her, "I told you I was messed up. I told you that you can't fix me. But you keep--"

His words were cut off when Erin hit the floor, and his anger dissipated when his hand found her wrist. "Erin!" She sat up, her face blank as she stared stupidly at the way she had managed to scrape herself up again. "Erin!" his tone was reprimanding, "What the hell?! What's wrong?" His eyes locked on her scratched up knees. "S***, Erin..."

As his gaze blazed a metaphorical hole in her wounds, his face contorted into fury again, and in a flash he had taken a grip on her shoulders, firm in the same instant that his forearms continued to shake. His face was close to hers as he let out an almost murderous snarl, "Why do we keep doing this, Erin? You know I love you. You know that. But you never believe me. And you always end up hurt. I should have known by now that the people close to me end up dead or worse..." he had to hesitate, his breath wouldn't come and his lip was trembling. Was it from anger? He decided it would have to be.

"Natalie is dead and it's my fault. I get that. I don't want to keep doing this if you're always going to end up bleeding." his jaw set to keep the shakiness under control.

"I love you..." The words slipped from his mouth hastened, as if it was their last goodbye. He wondered if his voice was permanently broken now, or if the shaking would ever stop. "It was my dad. It was all my dad's fault. It was him, not you. But it was probably me, too. But it wasn't you."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

She didn't hear Yukito's response to her demands for him to tell her, tell her, tell her, because the ringing in her ears got too loud, and the hacksaw against her skull knocked her down. When the sensation ebbed enough, Erin pushed herself to sit upright, and she silently asked the ringing to stop, even though it didn't. Ouch...

Yukito yelled at her, yelled her name at her for collapsing hard on the cement. She stared numbly down at her knees. Were they bleeding? She couldn't tell. "Stop yelling at me," she muttered quietly. Why won't it go away....? If you held me then it would be better. It would go away. But you won't.

However, the sensation of his hands on her shoulders made Erin's eyes raise to meet his, mentally shunting the sore sensations she was feeling. "I'm fine," she told him automatically, her tone weak.

"Why do we keep doing this, Erin? You know I love you. You know that. But you never believe me. And you always end up hurt. I should have known by now that the people close to me end up dead or worse..."

She wanted to shake her head, but she didn't want to invite another seize of fire traveling along her neck and skull. "No.." she told him, her voice sounding like a person with laryngitis. "I know you love me... but it doesn't mean you have to like me... I thought you didn't like me... like this... I thought..." Oww... She gingerly put her head on his shoulder. "Please," she asked him. Please let me stay her and touch you. I need it, okay?

"Natalie is dead and it's my fault. I get that. I don't want to keep doing this if you're always going to end up bleeding."

"You can't control people doing things like that, Yukito..." Erin responded automatically, weakly, and sincerely simultaneously. Then... "Am I bleeding? I couldn't tell..." I don't feel good...

"I love you... It was my dad. It was all my dad's fault. It was him, not you. But it was probably me, too. But it wasn't you."

"I don't understand..." she confessed quietly, keeping her head on his shoulder as long as he'd let her. "What does your dad have to do with any of this? Wasn't it just me?"

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

"Stop yelling at me," she breathed, sounding like someone whose soul had just been torn from them. Just an empty shell. "I'm fine,"

"Why do we keep doing this, Erin? You know I love you. You know that. But you never believe me. And you always end up hurt. I should have known by now that the people close to me end up dead or worse..."

"No.." Erin breathed again, but he didn't agree with her. He had so many situations to prove this. So many. "I know you love me... but it doesn't mean you have to like me... I thought you didn't like me... like this... I thought..." Her head gently lowered to his shoulder, feeling heavy against him. "Please,"

He was unable to really hold her again but also completely incapable of pushing her away again. His eyes closed and he shivered as she leaned against him. He didn't want her to go. But he always wondered if it was really better that way. At least until some far-off day when he wasn't so quick to make her cry. Or bleed....his eyes opened and dropped to her knees. And as he smelt her hair, he remembered the concussion she had given herself. All because of him. The closer you get the more you bleed. Why is it always like this? What am I doing so wrong? "Natalie is dead and it's my fault. I get that. I don't want to keep doing this if you're always going to end up bleeding."

"You can't control people doing things like that, Yukito..." The words were meant to be comforting and honest. But he couldn't believe her.

"I could have been there to stop her. I was good at that." his voice came from years away.

"Am I bleeding? I couldn't tell..." He looked down at her face. Tears still sat there, along with a cold expression he hated. He hated to see that expression. It made him think of statues and death, of feeling sorry without being able to ask for forgiveness. Don't look like that, Erin.

"Yes..." he said simply. His voice seemed to be trying to eat itself alive, and he found himself telling her. With no looking back. And always with regrets. "I love you... It was my dad. It was all my dad's fault. It was him, not you. But it was probably me, too. But it wasn't you."

"I don't understand..." Of course she wouldn't. He was never clear. "What does your dad have to do with any of this? Wasn't it just me?"

"Come here..." he pulled her closer to his shoulder so he could support her, and led her the few steps to the side of the pool. Like someone helping an invalid or someone very ill, he assisted her in sitting down and cupped water over her cuts, glad to see the blood instantly fade away as it ran off her legs.

"My dad is an angry, bitter son of a *****. But that's his good side. When I was little he tried to mess with me. Usually mentally, once in awhile physically. Or...sexually. " he took a shuddering breath, staring at her knees like it was her face, half a handful of water still in his palm. "He scared the hell out of me, Erin. He still does. Fortunately he didn't get what he was looking for, thanks to my weak will and my ability to...I dunno. To make people pity me, I guess you could call it? He dropped the attempts and left me alone after that. But you...you don't forget things like that. I don't. I never forget." He looked up at her, his jaw set at last. "It isn't you, Erin. It's me, and it's him. And a moment I keep feeling replay in my mind like a broken record. And I'm sorry for that." It was very weird how in the moment of 'divine truth' or whatever, he felt very calm and removed from the anger and frustration he always felt when he thought about telling Erin. He wondered why that was. Why he didn't feel the tears. Just the lump in his throat and the rock in his gut. "I'm sorry..."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

"Am I bleeding? I couldn't tell..."

"Yes..."

Oh. Yukito didn't like blood. "Sorry."

"I love you... It was my dad. It was all my dad's fault. It was him, not you. But it was probably me, too. But it wasn't you."

That didn't make any sense. She'd seen the man once, for maybe three minutes, and it was forever ago, too, like he'd vanished. She thought she could remember Yukito saying he did that-- vanished. So what did it matter? "I don't understand..." she told him simply, her own voice still echoing a little in her ears. Was Yukito moving now? It felt like it, and she fought the urge to grab onto him so she wouldn't fall. He'll have to catch me. "What does your dad have to do with any of this? Wasn't it just me?"

"Come here..." Yukito kept his arm around her in a supportive manner, one Erin was very grateful for since it still felt like things were spinning around her, though she didn't want to say so. "I'm okay, Yukito," she told him instead. He led her to a seat beside the edge of the pool and poured water from his hands onto her legs. She winced at the sting of the chlorine. I should say thank you. She said nothing. She wanted to hear him. Not to give him more reason to be silent.

"My dad is an angry, bitter son of a *****. But that's his good side," Yukito told her. "When I was little he tried to mess with me. Usually mentally, once in awhile physically. Or...sexually." The meaning of his words hit Erin at once, and her eyes widened at the realization as she stared forward at the dark water. He hurt you. He hurt you!

"He scared the hell out of me, Erin. He still does. Fortunately he didn't get what he was looking for, thanks to my weak will and my ability to...I dunno. To make people pity me, I guess you could call it? He dropped the attempts and left me alone after that. But you...you don't forget things like that. I don't. I never forget."

I know you don't forget. You're not supposed to forget. You can't. But I know you wish you could. And I wish you could, because you shouldn't have to remember it. You didn't deserve that! You didn't! Dads are suppose dot protect you, not hurt you, that's not what they're supposed to do at all! And he hurt you, and he still came and stood in the same house as you! How can he even be let in the same country as you?!! She wanted to scream out the thoughts, but her tongue was too heavy, and the idea of anyone hurting Yukito like that still floored her, especially someone who was supposed to protect you... it was so, so, so wrong.... Everything about it was wrong.

"It isn't you, Erin. It's me, and it's him. And a moment I keep feeling replay in my mind like a broken record. And I'm sorry for that."

Erin met his eyes, still unable to voice her words that continued to scream behind her throbbing skull. "I'm sorry..." he repeated.

"He hurt you," she finally voiced, still trying to wrap her mind around the concept. Why? How? How could someone do something so awful, and to someone like Yukito? Why would anyone want to hurt Yukito? Why did all the horrible, sickly wrong things in the world happen to wonderful, beautiful, good people? Why did Cassie have to be hurt by people she trusted to keep her safe? Why did Yukito have to experience things that people shouldn't even be allowed to have nightmares about? Why? A potent mix of her heartache for the injustice of it all mingling with anger at the person who inflicted the pain on him boiled over her eyelids in hot tears and manifest in her fingertips as the clenched tight over her raw knees."How could he hurt you?" She remembered the very brief meeting. And that she hadn't felt an ounce of hostility or anger or anxiety or anything negative in the surprise introduction. But she should have, she should have felt loathing for anyone who could think of hurting Yukito in any way, and she should have felt even more for such pain coming from him, from someone that should have shielded him and loved him and kept him safe, but she felt nothing. She'd been happy about meeting more of Yukito's family. And she was furious at herself for it.

"He hurt you! He hurt you like that and he just waltzes back into your home like that's totally okay?! How could he do that, how could anyone do that, Yukito, how could someone do that to you? They can't let-- they can't-- People-- it's not-- No, he shouldn't be here, he shouldn't be anywhere near you ever!" She was still glaring at the water, infuriated, enraged that the thoughts of 1) the actions of his own father and 2) that his own mother still allowed contact. "He shouldn't even be on the same continent!" Her voice was too loud and stretched, creaking under the ire. "No! No one can hurt you like that, no one, and not him! Not him!" She smashed her open palm on the cement in emphasis, then catapulted to her feet without thinking of the still-moving earth beneath her. "I swear to god, Yukito, if I ever--" the threat against the so-called man that had hurt him was cut of by a surprised little shriek when she found herself falling again, barely catching on Yukito. "I'm okay," she responded automatically, then continued, "I mean it, Yukito, if he ever comes around you again, I don't care what for, I swear to god I'll kill him for doing that to you, I will, I don't--" A fresh wave of pain prodding her brain enough to stir up nausea coursed down her neck, and she couldn't continue her train of thought. "Headache," she forced out after a moment, when she finally could. "It'll go away, it's fine." Gingerly, very gingerly, Erin repositioned herself to lie down on her back, head nearest to Yukito, eyes closed.

"No one should ever have to go through that," she voiced her thoughts as they came to her. "And no one as good as you... The worst things happen to the best people, like life purposely wants to screw over everything good that's left, but I'm not gonna let it win you. You deserve to love and be happy, Yukito. And I'll make it that way for you no matter what, I swear."

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

The explanation made him strangely breathless, and the lack of tears surprised him. Maybe he was getting stronger. Or maybe he was getting numb. "I'm sorry," he added. He was sorry for a lot of things. He supposed that was what made him so vulnerable all the time. But he was getting better. There had to be a balance, right? Between opening up to the real people, the ones you needed, and hiding the scars so you could land the deal and move on with your life? Erin's knees continued to bleed again, and it made him nervous. He splashed more water on them and locked his eyes on them. He wanted to put pressure on them with his hands, but he didn't know if she would let him do that.

"He hurt you," she murmured at last. He looked up to meet her eyes, adding nothing. He could see the shock setting in seriously now, making her eyes glimmer with a lack of understanding. He had been told there was no real reason for someone to do something like that to a person. There was no logic to it. No way to understand it. At the time, he had merely shrugged off the comment and told himself that if there was no way to understand it, there was no reason to ask the questions from the start. And yet despite his best efforts, questions always came.

"How could he hurt you?" The tears that raced down her cheeks held for him fear, and he hoped he hadn't scared her. Or disgusted her. A glance down at her knees again told him she was tensing up for something. More of a reaction. Other than a quiet question.

"I guess he just wanted to." Yukito said it flippantly now, but inwardly he felt hopeless as he thought on them. He said I was cute. That I reminded him of himself when he was young. Maybe he did it just because he could. Just because he's that much of a sicko.

Obviously, the realizations were starting to sink in, and Erin's thoughts flickered madly back to the one meeting he hadn't been able to keep her from. Did she remember how he had so stupidly stiffened in front of her? How uncomfortable and wrong it felt to have him standing there as he tried to get closer to Erin? Did she know now why he hated the way he had called them a 'cute couple'?

"He hurt you!" she repeated, the tears he should have been shedding still trickling from her expressive brown eyes. "He hurt you like that and he just waltzes back into your home like that's totally okay?! How could he do that, how could anyone do that, Yukito, how could someone do that to you? They can't let-- they can't-- People-- it's not-- No, he shouldn't be here, he shouldn't be anywhere near you ever! He shouldn't even be on the same continent!"

"That," he mumbled, "Was one of mom's big selling points of us leaving Japan in the first place. We were kind of hoping just to vanish on him."

"No! No one can hurt you like that, no one, and not him! Not him!" He stared stupidly up at her as she slapped the cement then leapt angrily to her feet. "I swear to god, Yukito, if I ever--" He was waiting for something, but he wasn't sure what he was worried about during her tirade until she swayed considerably, almost falling. Yukito jumped to his feet and did his best to catch her. Why did he mind shoot directly to her knees, worrying about them more? "I'm okay," she lied. No, you're not. "I mean it, Yukito, if he ever comes around you again, I don't care what for, I swear to god I'll kill him for doing that to you, I will, I don't--"

"Erin!" his voice was reprimanding again, and he sort of was. He wanted to scream back at her for hurting and not telling him where it was. Why was she so shaky and unsteady? Was it the bleeding? Could that have been enough to put her in danger? "What's the matter?"

"Headache," she tried to explain it like it was nothing. "It'll go away, it's fine."

"How long?" he demanded. But she kept pulling the conversation back to her threats towards his father. A strange feeling rose up in his chest at each sentence that he couldn't reason with.

"No one should ever have to go through that," she told him.

"I think I should take you back home..." he mumbled, trying not to answer her. Something about the way she had reacted was settling with him in an unnatural way. He didn't know if it was a good thing or not to know she was still on his side and so against his father. What he did know was he never wanted to see Erin near his dad.

She continued. "And no one as good as you... The worst things happen to the best people, like life purposely wants to screw over everything good that's left, but I'm not gonna let it win you. You deserve to love and be happy, Yukito. And I'll make it that way for you no matter what, I swear."

Slowly, he looked up to meet her eyes, "Don't make promises you can't keep, Erin." He inhaled sharply, turning his head away until he was watching the pool. "Some things aren't worth it, okay? Like this..you shouldn't be sitting here...hurting like..." His voice started going in and out like the signal on his mental radar was going haywire.

Natalie promised to stay with me. She said we were going to move past everything, come what may.

"And...maybe some people asked for it. Maybe the worst things happen because we take good things for granted... and maybe... years afterwards we're supposed to keep remembering..." he sighed, "Erin, I don't want you to protect me from him. I should have done that from the start....

"Y'know, it took me a long time to get anywhere. Every time people say that I..." he trailed off as if he had run out of stamina to speak. Another sigh, "I shut myself off right after it happened. I didn't tell anybody." The statement was something he had wanted to explain to her for a long time. "I don't know why I do it, but I always have. That's why it's so easy for me to hurt you. It's hard for me to show anything. I couldn't touch people...I couldn't speak to them...I still don't let my friends get close to me, even when I really want them to. When everyone else is bull***ing around, and I have to make some sort of excuse to stay out of reach because I'm afraid of what I'll do..." His thoughts flickered to Aidousan, and the band. He could see them wrestling on the floor, laughing and shouting. Without him. "I hadn't seen him for a long, long time when he randomly showed up at the apartment. I hated to see him there, but I hated the fact that I couldn't hide it from you more, and I don't know why. But I needed you to stay with me, at least until he left. I don't know what I would have done otherwise..." he let out a slow breath and reached for her to move closer, "After you left, I ended up having...I dunno...an argument I guess you could call it, with my mom. She said he wasn't staying. But I still couldn't sleep for awhile after that." He thought on what he had told her, and what he could. Or wouldn't. "Don't feel sorry for me, Erin. I'm fine, okay? See?" He leaned down until he could meet her eyes, their faces inches apart. He tried a smile. "I'm getting better. I just...I'm not ready for more of you yet. I'm still kind of jet-lagged from what I've already managed to claim of you."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

Yukito's worried words fell on deaf ears as Erin continued without pause, "The worst things happen to the best people, like life purposely wants to screw over everything good that's left, but I'm not gonna let it win you. You deserve to love and be happy, Yukito. And I'll make it that way for you no matter what, I swear."

"Don't make promises you can't keep, Erin," Yukito put in, and Erin mentally gawked at the comment. "I will, Yukito," she insisted, dead set on it. "I will!" Surely he knew by now that she meant it, that she would follow through with what she'd said, that she was seriously determined to accomplish this and that one way or another she'd come through with it. Even if it took years of trying. He was worth it. His happiness was worth it.

"Some things aren't worth it, okay?" he voiced, as if hearing her thoughts. "Like this..you shouldn't be sitting here...hurting like..."

Erin was just about to insist again that she was fine, that it would go away, they always did, but Yukito continued. She let him.

"And...maybe some people asked for it. Maybe the worst things happen because we take good things for granted... and maybe... years afterwards we're supposed to keep remembering..."

Still with closed eyes, Erin frowned her disdain for that mindset. You can't blame yourself. He'd probably heard it too many times already, but... he obviously didn't believe it yet. "No. That's not it. I don't know why, but I know that's not it. You didn't ask for any of it and nothing you could've done or not done woulda changed it..." She couldn't be sure of it, but even so she believed it. "But you," Erin voiced quietly, tone dropping to barely audible. "How could anyone hurt you? Does your mom know? Do you have, like, a restraining order? Would it mean anything? Probably not, not for someone like that, but I'll think of something, I will, I'll--"

Yukito sighed. "Erin, I don't want you to protect me from him. I should have done that from the start....

It was Erin's turn to sigh, knowing that she couldn't really do anything to protect him despite whatever strong desire she had to do so. And knowing that even if she could, Yukito wouldn't let her. "I'm sorry..." I wish I could take it all away for you. I wish you never had those memories, and that we could just be together and you'd be happy. And I'm so sorry I can't take that away for you.

"Y'know, it took me a long time to get anywhere. Every time people say that I..." Another sigh. "I shut myself off right after it happened. I didn't tell anybody. I don't know why I do it, but I always have. That's why it's so easy for me to hurt you. It's hard for me to show anything. I couldn't touch people...I couldn't speak to them...I still don't let my friends get close to me, even when I really want them to. When everyone else is bull***ing around, and I have to make some sort of excuse to stay out of reach because I'm afraid of what I'll do... I hadn't seen him for a long, long time when he randomly showed up at the apartment. I hated to see him there, but I hated the fact that I couldn't hide it from you more, and I don't know why. But I needed you to stay with me, at least until he left. I don't know what I would have done otherwise..."

"I didn't do anything, though," she murmured. "I didn't even know what he'd done... and I.. I was nice," she tacked on, disgusted with herself. How could I be nice to someone like that?

"After you left, I ended up having...I dunno...an argument I guess you could call it, with my mom. She said he wasn't staying. But I still couldn't sleep for awhile after that."

The thought of Yukito awake by force, sleepless, and all because of him, it was just wrong. She wanted to more than anything to snatch him away from everything like that, everything nagging around in the back of his mind, the haunts and the fears and the imprints in his mind. And the utter incapability of doing anything perpetuated the dismal feeling. And Erin found that she could say nothing, despite the ebbing pangs in her head. She opened her eyes.

"Don't feel sorry for me, Erin. I'm fine, okay? See?" He leaned down toward her with a little smile. "I'm getting better. I just...I'm not ready for more of you yet. I'm still kind of jet-lagged from what I've already managed to claim of you."

Erin shifted her position, now on her side and lifting her head up to meet his eyes. She wanted so much to reach out with her open palm, to try to comfort him with a touch, to let him know that she believed what he said. But now, Erin hesitated. How often had her actions made him uncomfortable? How many times had he silently wished she would stop? Her hand went down to rest on the cement, propping her up in a half-sitting position. "Yukito... before... have I ever done anything you didn't want me to, that you wanted me to stop?" It felt really strange asking it, but she had to, because the last thing Erin wanted to do was create another reaction in him like she'd started earlier. "I never wanted to make you feel that way and I am so, so, so sorry..." Her ears were still ringing some, and there was still an ache in her head and neck, but it was much better now, and she sat cross-legged next to him. "I just... wanna know what, you know, you want or don't want or whatever...." Yay, way to make him feel awkward after he practically confessed the hardest thing ever to say to you, idiot. "You can forget I asked if you want," she tried to amend quickly, words running together.