Apt. #632A- The Spenser Residence

[GGJ5]

Erin's apartment is on the second story of her apartment complex, number 632A to be precise. It's a three-bedroom place, which means they should have a guest room although it's being utilized as a replacement for an attic instead. The entire floor is covered in dark, thick brown carpet and Erin usually walks around barefoot because of it. The front door is a deep green color, repainted that way by the management a year before. It used to be white, along with the shutters, which are now of equal hue.

As soon as one enters the door, he will step into the living room, with the dining room to his direct left. On the right side of the dining room is the very narrow kitchen, wedged between the dining room and the hallway bathroom. At the far end of the hall is the master bedroom; its door is parallel to the front door. Directly to the right, Erin's room sits, walls covered in cutouts from magazines and posters she's picked up at various shows and shops.

Two windows are in the walls of the living room, and the dining room table is usually covered with books of some sort, courtesy of Erin's dad. The family scoots the pile out of the way for meals, so the table tends to look more like a library's circulation desk than anything. The kitchen has a window which opens up to the dining room so that whoever is in one room can talk to the person in the next without having to leave.

There is a doorbell, but it's not working properly at the moment... it sends more of a buzzing sound throughout the place rather than a ding-dong, so Erin's mom has stuck a little note under it reading, "Please do NOT press the bell-- Knock! Thank you!"

[Elda Forever]

OOC: SQUEE! FIRST POST, NE!?! BIC:

Yukito Maki

He wasn't sure, but he figured it was about three in the morning. He'd been pacing his bedroom like a tiger in a cage since eleven thirty. If Yukito had followed his original plan, he would have waited until the morning, when there would be no chance his mother or Aidousan could come to intervene, and done it. But that was just another excuse, he figured.

What set it off was the birthday party. Or more specifically, the camera. He still hadn't returned the camera Erin had used at the Halloween party at their school. The night they had officially broke up. Well, not exactly officially, but only a total idiot would say they were still dating. He had lost count of how many times he had sat locked in his room handling that camera, turning it over and over in his hands until his mind drifted a million miles away.

When he had gone out into the hallway to find out why Aidousan didn't come back for his own birthday party, he found Erin with him. With his best friend.

Just like he'd found Aidousan having a 'friendly, private talk' with Yumi so many times. No, they hadn't done anything or promised anything, and from what he could figure, they hadn't even seriously considered going out until after the breakup. But that was the problem. Aidousan was a sucker for the brokenhearted. That was the biggest reason he still hung around with Yukito the jerk, the heartless, the one who screwed around with girls and played with them like invincible toys until they truly cracked from the pressure building within.

Erin said she wanted her camera back. Yukito said nothing.

He locked himself in his room, abandoning Aidousan and the entire party, even when his mother pleaded for him to come out and at least not ruin everyone's day. Especially Kagayaki, who was his best friend, and who was having a birthday today.

But how can you smile and laugh, and eat cake with a guy who had slipped away to go talk privately to your ex-girlfriend? How could he not be effected by that? And what was worse, he was sick and tired of there not being anything he could do to help Erin. Erin who was a total mess because of him. Erin who was a 'shell of who she was' according to her best friend. Erin who had been emotionally - and now physically - beating herself up over him.

How can you laugh and smile after that?

Yukito paced the room for the hundredth time. The room was dark, and the glow of a computer screen cast an eerie glow on everything. At least that disguised the mess he left everything in. He stumbled through the dark like someone possessed and snatched up the camera, turning it on and impatiently waiting for the images to appear. The ones of them laughing, the ones of her kissing him with an impish look, the ones of them happy, and not showing a sigh of their unspoken problems. Because then, they had thought they had dealt with all they could. Then, they pretended like it didn't matter.

He'd forgotten what time it was. He didn't care. He slipped out of his room, out of his apartment, and walked silently down the hall, having memorized the length it took to stand in front of Erin's door. He was barefoot, and looked a mess. For once, he wasn't paying attention to how much of his feelings and emotions took control, and he wasn't trying to hide. Not now, and not tonight. His mental anguish was painted across his face as clearly as black appears on white. He paused, stopping to torture himself with the mental image of Erin inside, sleeping. The dark and quiet of her house her own sanctuary that recently had offered no comfort. Only a lukewarm denial.

His fists banged on the door, the only real sound he had made since late that afternoon. He didn't believe in God, but now he prayed that it was Erin who answered. He needed her to answer. If there was any way that he could speak to her, to let her know deep inside her haven that it was him, that he needed her, he tried it with all his heart. His breaths started to come raggedly, making a tearing sensation in his chest and tightening their hold enough to make the tears begin to form, but not enough to fall.

"I just need five minutes, okay?" he said in a voice that was determined, but crackled and splintered as it escaped him. His hand went up to the doorjamb, to prevent it from being closed on him again. He was sick of doors closing.

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

Her parents had both headed to bed early, consenting to let her stay up for a while, Rhapsody curled next to her as Erin, crestfallen and dark, browsed Youtube. Eventually, though, she drifted to sleep on the couch in the living room, the small canine resting its head beside her as Erin's own head rested on the couch's arm.

At least when she was sleeping she wouldn't be feeling or thinking or hurting. Except if she dreamed.

Speaking of dreams, in the middle of a particular wishful one, all the sudden thunderclaps erupted from out of nowhere and ruined the only good moment she'd dreamed of in weeks. However, slowly Erin realized that it wasn't in her dream, but in real life, and her lids opened despite their heaviness.

And it wasn't thunder claps either. Awake, it was stupid to have thought they were anything but a loud knocking on the door. At the same time, a weight sank in her stomach at the thought of who would be knocking on the door so fervently at... well, whatever time it was.

The concern over the identity of the person behind the door overcame Erin's normal sleepiness upon waking, and she pulled open the door a small way, chain still linked. It took her a second to realize that the person at her door was Yukito.

"Unless you're bringing my camera back--"

"I just need five minutes, okay?" he said, sounding as if he was wounded. And maybe it was because it was dark, but he looked so... worn. So... finished. Or... something. Something she'd never seen on his face, or imagined she could ever see. Yukito's hand rose to the door frame, preventing himself from being shut out.

Erin frowned, brow furrowed as she dropped her eyes from his face to her feet, and fount that she couldn't protest. She just couldn't-- maybe it was his broken expression or her own weakness from being half-asleep, melancholy, and still recovering from her stupidity. She sighed heavily and slipped the chain off the door, allowing it to widen and for Yukito to cross in.

She sat straight back down in the corner of the couch and started to pet the still-sleeping Rhapsody. "Your five minutes started a minute ago. Talk fast."

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

Her expression was worn out, her eyes didn't carry the glow of cheerfulness and there wasn't around her that almost-real whir of gears turning. No, there was only the cold look, and the irritated tone, "Unless you're bringing my camera back--"

"I just need five minutes, okay?" he said in a broken voice, putting his hand in a dangerous position so she couldn't close the door on him again. At least, not without completely shattering his hand.

Erin frowned, and there was a long period of silence. Then she unchained the door. Yukito let out a breath of relief, even if his heart was still beating fast enough it was making his head ache. He followed her to the couch. "Your five minutes started a minute ago. Talk fast."

Yukito swallowed heavily, feeling that now-familiar sensation of his throat closing up on him, betraying him and setting him up for disappointment. It wasn't her fault everything went down the toilet, it was his own inability to speak his mind, to clarify, to talk too much. But what do I say?

I have to just try. To improv. To wing it. Or things will go worse.

"I never meant to hurt you," he started off weakly, "I never planned on hurting you. When we...that day in the practice room, when you kissed me for the first time..I never knew what it would mean to me later. Then, it was just funny that there was this cute girl who had a crush on me, even when I wasn't exactly looking to impress anyone.." he paused just long enough to mentally reprimand himself, "No, I wasn't trying to impress. I was trying my hardest to keep my distance from everybody. I didn't want anybody in. Every time I get close to someone, this...awful.."

He was having increasing trouble speaking through the brick in his throat, "Catastrophe happens. Never exactly the same, but..I dunno. It's like I'm cursed or something. That's why I didn't take it seriously. I didn't expect anybody to really get close to me again. Honestly, I thought you'd get sick of my moodiness and move on pretty quick, but I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. Why not? I guess that's pretty lame of me, but I guess that's as close to truth as I can get."

He'd found himself turning away from her during his speech, his voice rising in pitch in a funny way, something he hadn't heard in his own voice since he was a little kid. He started to pace, slowly at first. “I didn't mean to hurt you... I really didn't, Erin. I dunno when exactly I started getting attached to you. When I started really...really looking forward to your calls. Smiling each time I saw that you sent me a text. I dunno when, but I started looking for you everywhere I went, and it started to be fun. Did you know that as soon as you walk into a room, it just...it looks brighter? I can't explain it, but people look more cheerful, the light in the room gets higher, and people talk a bit louder. I don't know what it is, but I started to see it in you. On days you were upset, it felt like a cloud hung over your head, and it got everyone around you wet, and the upset feeling spread like a disease. You effect people, Erin. And you effected me, too.”

He was crying now. Full-fledged, just-like-a-four-year-old weeping, and it was hard to get the words out, but he kept going, “I shouldn't hope to keep you, Erin. It's completely wrong, because I know I could do it again. I could NOT say what I need to, I could start shutting you out, I could make you angry with me, I could run away. I don't want to promise you forever because I don't want you to be mad with me if I ever do leave. But it's impossible not to hope and pray, because that's so easy around you, Erin. It's easy to hope. It's easy to start dreaming.” His pacing had gotten faster and faster, and he finally forced himself to sit next to her on the couch, but at the opposite end, so they weren't touching. How could he even try to touch her now?

“I messed up with you, Erin. And I don't deserve you back. But I tried to talk to you anyways. I didn't know you were in the practice room the other day. But as soon as I saw you, as soon as you turned around and looked at me, I knew I had to try and apologize, to tell you that I know, it's all my fault, but I still lo-....I still loved you. But somehow, it all came out wrong. I don't know what I said, because I can't remember. It's all a big, awful blur. But I know later that day, I heard you were hurt. And I know..” he looked over and met her eyes. He hadn't given her a chance to speak, and he wasn't going to at this point. “I know you did it to yourself. You didn't just fall, or something dumb like that Erin. You aren't that clumsy, and I'm not that easy to lie to. You hurt yourself after I left, and...And I'm not going to allow you to do that.” He shifted on the couch, his tears starting to fade and his voice getting a little stronger, more determined.

“I've been there before. I've dated two girls before you, Erin," he held up two fingers. "Including Yumi. And I've dated a girl who just 'fell' all the time. She's dead now, Erin, and that's my fault, and nobody else's. And you are not going to do that to me. It's not okay. If I have to watch you to make sure, or if I have to go all the way back to Japan and leave you alone for you to stop, I will. You aren't going to do that again, Erin. So please...” he swallowed, “Please, don't do this to me. Please tell me it was all some stupid mistake that I caused and that tomorrow you won't remember me, so you'll never feel like you have to do that again. Or something. I'm not asking you to forgive me for not telling you straight-up, about Blair, about anything. I know I don't deserve that, and you'll probably never forgive me. But I'm not worth you doing that over...really I'm not, Erin...” The tears were starting to come now, and he was leaning closer to her with wide eyes, pleading with her. "Please, Erin. Tell me I'm not worth hurting yourself over. I need to hear you say it. I'll do whatever it takes."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

Without looking at him, and pulling her knees close to her, Erin waited through the brief silence with clenched teeth. What more was he going to do to her? How far did he think he could push her before she just shattered?

"I never meant to hurt you," he started off weakly, and Erin rolled her eyes-- of course he hadn't meant to. "I never planned on hurting you. When we...that day in the practice room, when you kissed me for the first time..I never knew what it would mean to me later. Then, it was just funny that there was this cute girl who had a crush on me, even when I wasn't exactly looking to impress anyone.." He halted and Erin looked up at him, face painted in disbelief. How can you say that, after what you did in the middle of the school? After making yourself into public enemy number one? After showing everyone just how far you were willing to go to touch the untouchable. How can you stand there and say you weren't looking to be seen....? Don't lie to me again! "No, I wasn't trying to impress. I was trying my hardest to keep my distance from everybody. I didn't want anybody in. Every time I get close to someone, this...awful.. catastrophe happens. Never exactly the same, but..I dunno. It's like I'm cursed or something. That's why I didn't take it seriously. I didn't expect anybody to really get close to me again. Honestly, I thought you'd get sick of my moodiness and move on pretty quick, but I wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. Why not? I guess that's pretty lame of me, but I guess that's as close to truth as I can get."

Erin watched his feet as they moved across the floor. She didn't want to see anything else, especially what is face looked like, not with how he sounded, like the words were scraping across his larynx to get outside of him. “I didn't mean to hurt you... I really didn't, Erin. I dunno when exactly I started getting attached to you. When I started really...really looking forward to your calls. Smiling each time I saw that you sent me a text. I dunno when, but I started looking for you everywhere I went, and it started to be fun. Did you know that as soon as you walk into a room, it just...it looks brighter? I can't explain it, but people look more cheerful, the light in the room gets higher, and people talk a bit louder. I don't know what it is, but I started to see it in you. On days you were upset, it felt like a cloud hung over your head, and it got everyone around you wet, and the upset feeling spread like a disease. You effect people, Erin. And you effected me, too.”

And it was like a cold knife running down her spine to hear the words broken by the tension from tears. She couldn't look up from where her nose pressed tight into her knees, but she didn't need to-- Erin knew the sound well enough. He was crying because of her and it didn't make any sense! She hadn't been good enough for him before, but all of the sudden this was happening?! I'm so confused...! “I shouldn't hope to keep you, Erin. It's completely wrong, because I know I could do it again. I could NOT say what I need to, I could start shutting you out, I could make you angry with me, I could run away. I don't want to promise you forever because I don't want you to be mad with me if I ever do leave. But it's impossible not to hope and pray, because that's so easy around you, Erin. It's easy to hope. It's easy to start dreaming.” Erin heard the sound of his form sliding onto the opposite end of the couch. Away from me, because he doesn't want to touch me... he still can't make himself say to my face that I'm not enough and that he was disappointed with me, too.

“I messed up with you, Erin. And I don't deserve you back. But I tried to talk to you anyways. I didn't know you were in the practice room the other day. But as soon as I saw you, as soon as you turned around and looked at me, I knew I had to try and apologize, to tell you that I know, it's all my fault, but I still lo-....I still loved you. But somehow, it all came out wrong. I don't know what I said, because I can't remember. It's all a big, awful blur. But I know later that day, I heard you were hurt. And I know..” Erin looked up at the change in his voice, and there he was, looking at her. The defensive responses she'd been feeding everyone else were ready to jump off her tongue if he said what she feared. “I know you did it to yourself. You didn't just fall, or something dumb like that Erin. You aren't that clumsy, and I'm not that easy to lie to. You hurt yourself after I left, and...And I'm not going to allow you to do that.”

Now that his tears had slowed, Erin felt her own eyes fill-- and in front of him! Why can't I have a backbone like normal people?! and she blinked them back from falling. "It's my body, I can do what I want," she muttered, breaking eye contact to turn back to her knees, nose pressed tight against them as if if she came uncurled she really would fall apart.

“I've been there before.I've dated two girls before you, Erin. Including Yumi. And I've dated a girl who just 'fell' all the time. She's dead now, Erin, and that's my fault, and nobody else's." At that, no amount of blinking or self-talk or anything could keep the salty droplets from pouring over the lids of her eyes. Why? Why does that have to happen? Why did it have to happen to you? Why is this happening now? WHY?! She could feel her shoulders quivering in opposition to her effort to hush the tears. "And you are not going to do that to me. It's not okay. If I have to watch you to make sure, or if I have to go all the way back to Japan and leave you alone for you to stop, I will. You aren't going to do that again, Erin. So please... Please, don't do this to me. Please tell me it was all some stupid mistake that I caused and that tomorrow you won't remember me, so you'll never feel like you have to do that again. Or something. I'm not asking you to forgive me for not telling you straight-up, about Blair, about anything. I know I don't deserve that, and you'll probably never forgive me. But I'm not worth you doing that over...really I'm not, Erin...”

You say that... and it should be true, but it's not. It's just not.. because-- I don't even know why! I don't know why I let you do these things to me. I don't know why I can't hate you, no matter how many times I say that I do. I just... don't know! She turned her face halfway out of its tornado-warning position against her knees, eyes wide in confusion and uncertainty. He was leaning toward her, as if that could make her agree-- or-- whatever he wanted, she really didn't know... She didn't know anything.

"Please, Erin. Tell me I'm not worth hurting yourself over. I need to hear you say it. I'll do whatever it takes."

Finally Erin turned her face to him completely, still clutching her knees close to her like a lifeline, face salty-wet. "Why did you do that?" she forced out, her own words distorted with the strain in her throat the tears caused. "I asked you-- I asked you twice and you told me she didn't matter to you... you made me forget that it did matter, and I wanted to believe you, so I kept pushing it aside and not wanting to think about it, but, Yukito, how long did you expect me to ignore the fact that you yourself said you liked someone else besides me, that you kissed her in a way you never kissed me, that you kept skirtin' the whole thing any time I mentioned it 'cause you were too scared to say anything truth to me!" Cascades of tears. Lovely. Now she looked dumb, weak, andugly. "You never told me I wasn't good enough. You just made me think I was, and then I disappointed you, and you lied and you won't admit it, and stop confusing me! Just stop... Please..."

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

“I know you did it to yourself. You didn't just fall, or something dumb like that Erin. You aren't that clumsy, and I'm not that easy to lie to. You hurt yourself after I left, and...And I'm not going to allow you to do that.”

She was curled up on the other edge of the couch, and she hadn't moved much, or been able to say much, this whole time. "It's my body, I can do what I want," she said through the tears.

“I've been there before.I've dated two girls before you, Erin. Including Yumi. And I've dated a girl who just 'fell' all the time. She's dead now, Erin, and that's my fault, and nobody else's. And you are not going to do that to me. It's not okay. If I have to watch you to make sure, or if I have to go all the way back to Japan and leave you alone for you to stop, I will. You aren't going to do that again, Erin. So please... Please, don't do this to me. Please tell me it was all some stupid mistake that I caused and that tomorrow you won't remember me, so you'll never feel like you have to do that again. Or something. I'm not asking you to forgive me for not telling you straight-up, about Blair, about anything. I know I don't deserve that, and you'll probably never forgive me. But I'm not worth you doing that over...really I'm not, Erin...”
She turned towards him as he leaned over towards her, her eyes wide and her expression so vulnerable.

"Please, Erin. Tell me I'm not worth hurting yourself over. I need to hear you say it. I'll do whatever it takes."

"Why did you do that?" she said in a voice that was weaker than his. "I asked you-- I asked you twice and you told me she didn't matter to you... you made me forget that it did matter, and I wanted to believe you, so I kept pushing it aside and not wanting to think about it, but, Yukito," he felt a shudder when she said his name, as dumb as that was, even under these circumstances. "How long did you expect me to ignore the fact that you yourself said you liked someone else besides me, that you kissed her in a way you never kissed me, that you kept skirtin' the whole thing any time I mentioned it 'cause you were too scared to say anything truth to me!" He glared down at the floor. "You never told me I wasn't good enough. You just made me think I was, and then I disappointed you, and you lied and you won't admit it, and stop confusing me! Just stop... Please..."

Not good enough?! "Erin...I never loved Blair. Never. The girl I mentioned was fake. False. A lie because I wanted to see what Gossip Girl said." He blinked away more tears, ashamed with himself so much it felt as if by sheer willpower, he could take that irrepressible heat and it would suffocate him from the inside out. "I'm sorry. I know how stupid it all was now. I keep making mistake after mistake with you. Since the moment I stepped off the plane, I've been making things worse." Now he started to curl up, hugging his knees as if to shield himself. "I'm sorry. But I never wanted Blair. Because Blair is me. She's denying anything is wrong, she's waiting for it all to fall apart. And I wanted to help crumble down her wall, because I was afraid mine would fall first."

A long moment, and he got up from the couch, facing away from her with his hands in his pockets. "I did mean it, you know...that I loved you. I'm messed up, but I do love you. And it wasn't your fault. And even if we can't be together, Erin, I want you to know that I'm here for you..." he gently kicked at the carpet with one foot, "You know, if you need someone to take stuff out on when you can't live up to anybody's standards, or if you need someone to talk to who won't analyze everything and make it into something its not. It may not mean much to you, Erin, but it's all I can promise you without hurting you more." He looked at her. "I'm still here. And I'm still scared, too. But I love you all the same." He gave a shrug, then started for the door. Maybe it would have been better to have said no, the first time, in the practice room. Maybe if he hadn't let himself try, hadn't made so many mistakes, it would have been different.

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

"Why did you do that?" she forced out. "I asked you-- I asked you twice and you told me she didn't matter to you... you made me forget that it did matter, and I wanted to believe you, so I kept pushing it aside and not wanting to think about it, but, Yukito, how long did you expect me to ignore the fact that you yourself said you liked someone else besides me, that you kissed her in a way you never kissed me, that you kept skirtin' the whole thing any time I mentioned it 'cause you were too scared to say anything truth to me! You never told me I wasn't good enough. You just made me think I was, and then I disappointed you, and you lied and you won't admit it, and stop confusing me! Just stop... Please..."

"Erin...I never loved Blair. Never. The girl I mentioned was fake. False. A lie because I wanted to see what Gossip Girl said." She looked up at him incredulously. "Why would you do that? Didn't you care what that would mean to me? Why didn't you tell me so-- I--"

"I'm sorry. I know how stupid it all was now. I keep making mistake after mistake with you. Since the moment I stepped off the plane, I've been making things worse. I'm sorry. But I never wanted Blair. Because Blair is me. She's denying anything is wrong, she's waiting for it all to fall apart. And I wanted to help crumble down her wall, because I was afraid mine would fall first."

I don't understand... I don't understand what you're saying at all. What wall? What are you talking about? This doesn't make any sense!

Yukito stood up from the couch, and Erin kept looking at her bare knees, blurred from the tears. "I did mean it, you know...that I loved you. I'm messed up, but I do love you. And it wasn't your fault. And even if we can't be together, Erin, I want you to know that I'm here for you... You know, if you need someone to take stuff out on when you can't live up to anybody's standards, or if you need someone to talk to who won't analyze everything and make it into something its not. It may not mean much to you, Erin, but it's all I can promise you without hurting you more." The sound of a brief sob escaped her and Erin could feel her face redden knowing that he had heard her. "I'm still here. And I'm still scared, too. But I love you all the same." She glanced up at him just as he was reaching for her door, and a part of her suddenly wanted to tell him to stay, to hug him again and to tell him that she'd meant it too, that she wanted everything to be right again, that no one really deserved anything anyway and so what was stopping them from being together? But a larger part couldn't digest his words. The larger part said that it didn't make sense... how could she love someone that had practically promised he'd hurt her again? How could she love someone who wouldn't tell her what needed to be said? How could she? But the smaller part argued back, and it was all-- just-- so-- confusing!

"I... I dunno... what I'm supposed to think..." she muttered, not looking his way again. "I... I don't understand... I can't even follow what I'm thinking," she added, her voice having fallen to a whisper. "I'm confused... I don't..." Another blink sent two more tears down her cheeks. "...know."

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

"I did mean it, you know...that I loved you. I'm messed up, but I do love you. And it wasn't your fault. And even if we can't be together, Erin, I want you to know that I'm here for you... You know, if you need someone to take stuff out on when you can't live up to anybody's standards, or if you need someone to talk to who won't analyze everything and make it into something its not. It may not mean much to you, Erin, but it's all I can promise you without hurting you more." he heard a little sound from Erin, "I'm still here. And I'm still scared, too. But I love you all the same."

He had almost touched the handle when she replied, "I... I dunno... what I'm supposed to think..." He didn't rush her, just standing there....waiting. What else did he need to say? What else should he become, to make her happy again? "I... I don't understand... I can't even follow what I'm thinking," he could barely hear her now, and wouldn't have caught her words if he hadn't been hanging everything on them, depending on each syllable. "I'm confused... I don't...know." Tears were spilling over down her cheeks, and he came to stand in front of her, now kneeling down until he was looking straight at her face. He gave a little smile, and wiped away the tears from her face, the first time he'd touched her since Halloween night.

"You don't have to say anything, Erin." he murmured. "Goodnight." His last words in Japanese, remembering solemnly when he had started teaching the language to her. He got up and left, for real this time, tears still streaming down his own cheeks. He wouldn't stay around and hope she'd wipe away his tears. She didn't need that. He'd told her all he could, he hadn't held back this time. Now all he had to do was back off, to wait on the sidelines until she had time to sort out her own thoughts, her own words. And she would let him know. He had to believe that.

Yukito is done here

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

"I'm confused... I don't...know." Through her blurred vision, courtesy of the crying, Erin saw Yukito kneeling before her. A small smile crossed his face as he brushed off the fresh tears from her face with his fingers. The gesture, simultaneously beautiful and incomprehensible, made her stomach jump. I still love you, too... I think... but I also think I shouldn't... What is this?

"You don't have to say anything, Erin," he murmured. "Goodnight." [/i] He rose to his feet and slipped away with Erin still unable to say a word.

What am I supposed to do now? I'm too confused...

El Fin Aqui.

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

He stood just outside the Spenser apartment, mentally arming himself. It was a little easier, he had to admit, with Erin still snugly wrapped around his arm. Feeling her there next to him and constant, and still depending on him, made him feel easier about facing her parents. It would be hard, explaining why Erin had been gone since the evening before, when it was already getting to be late in the day now. It would be harder, still, to try and convince them that it wasn't Yukito that took her out and got her drunk. It was probably going to be the most difficult to explain that they were back together, and not make it sound really, really....strange. 'Oh yeah, Mr. Spenser. Yeah, I know I've been avoiding you. But I've gotten back with your daughter now, and I'm not gonna let you stop me. But I'm really hoping you won't even try. And I know I screwed up with her before, but somehow it's different. And don't you dare blame her.'

"I think this would be a little less strange if your dad didn't work as the school therapist." he said to Erin, tacking on a little smile to let her know he meant it as a sort of joke, "I'm not so good with people who study people like that. Bad past experience, and all that jazz." He let out a sigh, and pulled Erin a little closer, "So....are you ready?"

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

Already half a dozen different alibis floated in her head to explain where she'd been for the past almost-day. Most of them used Cassie as an excuse. She'd snuck out to spend the night with her. She'd forgotten to tell them she'd promise to stay the night with her. Cassie had called her in the middle of the night and begged her to come, because of such-and-such. And several others, not including her. But to actual use Cassie like that, even just in her head, just felt low. And if she did just say that yes, she snuck out and confessed to nothing else, then all eyes would be on Yukito. And that was the last thing she wanted-- he'd only been the best to her, and to thank him by making him look like the bad guy? Erin felt backed into a corner, and didn't like the one way out. But it's for Yukito, so it'll be all right. Well, it helped a little, anyway...

"I think this would be a little less strange if your dad didn't work as the school therapist," he said to her, still letting her hold tight to his arm as they stood in front of the door. You're telling me, she thought back, not liking the fact that he could read people five times better than Erin could hide or lie her way out of something. "I'm not so good with people who study people like that. Bad past experience, and all that jazz." That made Erin curious, and she was about to ask him what he meant by that when Yukito let out a sigh, and pulled her a little closer. "So....are you ready?"

Erin made a face, not really "ready", but it's not like she could just avoid it for very long... She reached for the key that should have been in her pocket only to once again find nothing, and hissed a curse at her level of stupidity. Now I have to knock, she thought dejectedly, rapping her free hand on the painted wood.

Her mom must have been waiting right next to the door, because immediately it opened and before Erin could register what was happening, she found both herself and Yukito ushered inside, Mandi calling for her husband in between kissing Erin's cheeks as if she'd been gone for a week. Erin didn't let go of Yukito. "Where have you been, Erin Chloe?" She put Erin's face between her hands, and then hugged her head to her before adding, "Don't you ever do that again! You have no idea what it was like waking up to see you--" She didn't finish, giving Erin another hug before Erin managed to wriggle out of it, staying her hold on Yukito. "Where have you been?" she repeated as the cheesy little reunion completed itself with Erin's dad finding them there, and being much less dramatic than his counterpart, heaved a sigh of relief and a quiet, "Thank God," before repeating his mother's question to her again. "Where have you been?"

Erin didn't have a chance to answer, though, because it seemed to have just occurred to Mandi that Erin had brought a friend over. One she hadn't seen in what seemed like forever. "Why didn't you bring her back sooner? Where you with her? You had us worried sick! She could have been dead or kidnapped or--" Jacob's hand on her shoulder broke her mother's tirade, and he looked at them both. "Suspension. Concussion. And now this, and I don't even know what 'this' is, yet. Erin, you can't keep doing things like these! Are you going to tell us what's been going on, or should we give you our speculations?" Another cast at Yukito before her added, "I don't think we'd be too far off the mark in our guesses."

Erin frowned, pulling Yukito tighter, defensively. "Yukito didn't do anything, so leave him alone," she started. "I snuck out, but he didn't have anything to do with that, I was alone, and he came for me so nothing bad would happen... he did good, so leave him alone."

"What do you mean, something bad?" her mom asked earnestly.

However, before Erin worked up the right words, her dad inserted, "Where were you?" Then, when she didn't immediately answer, to Yukito: "Where was she?"

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

As soon as they walked into the door, the plethora of sitcom-sounding phrases left Erin's mom, as she swooped over at her daughter, "Where have you been, Erin Chloe? Don't you ever do that again! You have no idea what it was like waking up to see you--" Erin kept her arm around Yukito, and he could tell she was trying to work up some strength to answer the tirade of questions, "Where have you been?"

Her dad entered the scene, and looked noticably relieved to find her all in one piece, "Thank God, where have you been?"

The worry they held for their daughter was really in-your-face, according to Yukito, but then again...what did he have to compare to it? Now, unfortunately, they turned on him. "Why didn't you bring her back sooner? Where you with her? You had us worried sick! She could have been dead or kidnapped or--"

He tried to open his mouth and defend himself - no, that was a lie, he was about to say something to make them shift all the blame to him, so that maybe it would lessen the blow on Erin. Because they'd forget him eventually, or at least learn to deal with him. But really, it had been his fault. If he hadn't treated her so rotten, she wouldn't have been willing to go out clubbing with Trent in the first place.

Right?

"Suspension. Concussion. And now this, and I don't even know what 'this' is, yet. Erin, you can't keep doing things like these! Are you going to tell us what's been going on, or should we give you our speculations?" he sent a meaningful look at Yukito, "I don't think we'd be too far off the mark in our guesses."

He felt Erin pull him closer, getting defensive over him, "Yukito didn't do anything, so leave him alone. I snuck out, but he didn't have anything to do with that, I was alone, and he came for me so nothing bad would happen... he did good, so leave him alone."

Aw...Erin. You don't have to try and make me sound like some hero. I'm the reason you went out there. And the reason for the concussion, and probably the suspension, too.

"What do you mean, something bad?" her mom asked earnestly, of course zeroing in on the important part.

"Where were you?" Mr. Spenser demanded, then, when he didn't get an immediate response, he turned to grill Yukito, "Where was she?"

"Um..." he started, not used to having their eyes on him like they were now. His mom rarely made him explain where he'd been. She knew he wouldn't tell her. And his dad hadn't been around enough to really know what was normal outing-time or wasn't, so this felt really odd. But it was only reasonable, considering they kept Erin on a leash or whatever. So his inexperience with the situation made his reply sound really, really stupid.

"She went out...and was wandering around. It was partially my fault, because..." he paused, not sure how to explain it, "She didn't get hurt. She's fine. No extra piercings or tattoos, no addictions, no bruises, cuts, or anything." This he said with a completely serious expression, "And we were gonna come over sooner, but we were both really tired from being up all night," he quickly added an explanation, "She didn't know how late it was, and I didn't find her very quickly. I'm not used to navigating around here yet." A beat. "I'm sorry."

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

Erin realized her mistake in her wording after she said it. "Something bad." She couldn't get herself to answer her mom's question fast enough before her dad demanded from her again where she'd been, then decided that he was more likely to draw at least some kind of answer from Yukito. "Where was she?"

"Um..." Erin felt guilty, watching him fishing for an explanation to cover her. "She went out...and was wandering around. It was partially my fault, because... She didn't get hurt. She's fine. No extra piercings or tattoos, no addictions, no bruises, cuts, or anything. I'm not a kid! You make me sound like one... "And we were gonna come over sooner, but we were both really tired from being up all night." That earned two very taken-aback expressions from her parents, whose thoughts automatically probably jumped to the worst interpretations of his words. Well, crap... "She didn't know how late it was," he was quick to amend. "And I didn't find her very quickly. I'm not used to navigating around here yet." A beat. "I'm sorry."

She could tell her mother wasn't satisfied. And her dad never believed the first thing a teenager told him. She'd been partially responsible for that skepticism, probably. He was so sweet for trying, though... even if he wasn't such a good liar at the moment.

"No, I'm sorry you feel the need to lie to us," her dad responded to Yukito evenly. "You do realize that the fact that you feel you have to cover for whatever you two have spent the last twenty or so hours doing only makes matters seem worse. I don't think you want to leave it at that... because I will tell you what I'm thinking from your story. I'm thinking that the two of you have mutually decided you couldn't be apart anymore and Erin snuck out to go on some kind of late-night date with you on an impulse. For all I know, you spent the night traipsing around the Quarter and went back to your house when you grew tired of that. I don't care to speculate any farther. So unless that's what you want us to think, and administer the appropriate actions, I suggest you correct me."

Okay, that's just wrong! How come he was messing with Yukito like that? She couldn't let them think Yukito had done anything wrong, when he'd only been the best to her, when he could have done to her anything and she wouldn't have protested, he took care of her instead, and kept her safe! After that, she couldn't stand to make him sit there being microscoped like that. She let go of his hand because her hands wanted to ball into fists at her objection, and Erin didn't want to squish him. "He didn't do anything, I told you that!" She frowned, hating more than almost anything to admit it, but hating more that Yukito wasn't getting the credit he deserved.

"He didn't do anything wrong, all right?" she repeated. "I snuck out alone, and I was in the Quarter alone and when I called Yukito, he's the one who came to take me home, because he was worried about me. Quit accusing him of stuff you don't even know he did, okay? It was me, not him, okay? He came and got me because he was worried about me. And he--"

"So why didn't he bring you straight back here if he was that concerned?" interrupted her mother, voice tight.

"Where were you in the Quarter, Erin?" came her father's question, that sounded much more like a statement than a real question. He leaned forward to peer closely at her, and Erin felt like she was being examined for evidence, and it took everything in her not to just leave and shut herself in her room. Instead she just protested by not answering.

After a minute Jacob stood back, expression somber. The kind of face Erin knew he made whenever she'd messed something up where they had to go behind her and fix it. "You were going more than wandering around, Erin. He didn't bring you back here because he didn't want to bring you home in the condition you were in. Am I closer now?" He directed the question to Yukito. "I would appreciate it if at least one of you would tell us the truth. We can find it out, but it would be much better for everyone if you were honest now."

Erin swore mentally. Why does he have to be so good at this?!

"Erin..." put in her mother, sounding like she was about to start on one of those motherly tear-jerking speeches, since Erin could tell her eyes were all watery, too. "Baby, why do you keep doing this? You keep hurting yourself, baby, in school, and physically, and last night... not only scaring us like that (we were just ready to call the police!), but you could have been seriously hurt, Erin. Someone cold have taken complete advantage of you out on your own like that, you could have been drugged, abused, stolen away, or so, so much worse." Yep, she was crying, and it made Erin feel like the worst daughter on the planet. "You have got to stop acting out in these ways, Erin! Look, we're not angry with you for what you did, but you scared us to death, and these things you do hurt so much, baby-- we're not mad, just disappointed, Erin..."

The words, not the first time something similar had fallen on her ears, broke her silence. "I know!" she shouted, looking away from her parents and pressing her forehead on Yukito's shoulder. "I know! I'm a horrible daughter to you and I'm just a huge disappointment to you, I know!!" She looked up at them, more tears threatening though she blinked them back earnestly. Her parents only looked back at her, mom seeming shocked at her outburst and dad quietly waiting for her to finish. He always knew when she wasn't finished. "All I've done to you is disappoint you, I know! Quitting piano, dropping dance, failing school, driving you crazy, you getting stuck with a stupid kid like me, I know it sucks! I am the stupid one! I am the reason you have to take grief from all your friends about me!" she said, referring to her dad. "You think I don't know why you never had other kids? I know you didn't want anyone besides me! 'You're more than enough for us,' right? You told me that whenever I asked you why I didn't get brothers or sisters like my friends!" Erin directed her words now to her mother. "You didn't want to deal with another one like me, because I'm too much already!" She turned again from them both and threw her arms around Yukito, burying her face in his shoulder, trying to find some kind of solace with him.

"Erin... you don't really think that, do you?" Mandi's tone was much quieter now. "You aren't a disappointment as a daughter, Erin."

"Don't lie to me," Erin muttered from her position against Yukito.

That bothered her mom. Big time. "I'm sorry we've made you think that, Erin," she responded, tone tight and cold now. "You have never been the reason we've never had another child." She heard her sigh before finally adding, "We begged for you, Erin. When I told you that you were more than enough, it's because we were so happy to finally have you.... Erin, we weren't supposed to have any children, and we had two miscarriages before you. And one more when you were too young to remember..."

Erin still wouldn't turn away from Yukito, and didn't know why her mother had quit talking. She didn't realize Mandi had worked herself up into a good cry and left the room to save embarrassment. She heard her dad take up, though: "I'm sorry we've made you feel this way, Erin. I shouldn't have needed you to tell me so. It doesn't seem we've done a decent job of showing it, but we have always felt ourselves lucky to have you. I know you resent how closely we watch you, and we can be overbearing, and don't think I don't realize you think we suffocate you. But it's because you are the one we were given to care for and to watch over... I hate to think we might be loosing you."

The words dug under her skin, pricking at her spirit. So much, so fast, and poor Yukito, sitting there through it all. He didn't ask for that. But she didn't let him go. She clung to him more. "What do I do?" Erin whispered to him. I'm sick of disappointing...

[Elda Forever]

Yukito Maki

He felt a surge of anger as he reprimanded himself for such a lame excuse. The looks of disbelief were written all across their faces, and the calm tone in Mr. Spenser's voice was like nails on a chalkboard in the recesses of Yukito's mind.

"No, I'm sorry you feel the need to lie to us," he stifled teh urge to respond, knowing the guy wasn't finished yet, "You do realize that the fact that you feel you have to cover for whatever you two have spent the last twenty or so hours doing only makes matters seem worse. I don't think you want to leave it at that... because I will tell you what I'm thinking from your story. I'm thinking that the two of you have mutually decided you couldn't be apart anymore and Erin snuck out to go on some kind of late-night date with you on an impulse. For all I know, you spent the night traipsing around the Quarter and went back to your house when you grew tired of that. I don't care to speculate any farther. So unless that's what you want us to think, and administer the appropriate actions, I suggest you correct me."

"Hey!" Yukito shouted, feeling Erin's hand slip from him, "I didn't touch her. So you can just stop your speculating right now. And what I said was actually the truth, whether you believe it or not. I drove her straight back to my apartment after I found her, we didn't do anything wrong, then I brought her back here after she'd gotten some sleep." Sure, he'd left out the part where she'd been drunk as a skunk, and he was probably digging Erin into a deeper hole here, but he felt furious to have her dad nail him so bluntly with this accusation. Just shutup, Yukito....just shutup..

"He didn't do anything, I told you that! He didn't do anything wrong, all right?" she repeated. "I snuck out alone, and I was in the Quarter alone and when I called Yukito, he's the one who came to take me home, because he was worried about me. Quit accusing him of stuff you don't even know he did, okay? It was me, not him, okay? He came and got me because he was worried about me. And he--"

"So why didn't he bring you straight back here if he was that concerned?" interrupted Mrs. Spenser, her voice tight. Yukito frowned. Because we knew you'd slam her like this, that's why. And because she was completely out of it.

"Where were you in the Quarter, Erin?" Mr. Spenser demanded, and Erin said nothing. "You were doing more than wandering around, Erin. He didn't bring you back here because he didn't want to bring you home in the condition you were in. Am I closer now?" Yukito hated how the guy seemed to know everything. What, did he have mind-reading powers or something? It would be one thing if he was constantly 'speculating' on things - that would be irritating, but not much more - the problem was when he was so right.

"I would appreciate it if at least one of you would tell us the truth. We can find it out, but it would be much better for everyone if you were honest now." Yukito frowned in response, not giving him more fuel for the fire. You're not going to intimidate me like this, or use me against Erin. At least, he was hoping Mr. Spenser wouldn't be able to. It felt like everything he said got the psychiatrist closer to the truth.

"Erin..." Yukito looked over at Erin's mother, "Baby, why do you keep doing this? You keep hurting yourself, baby, in school, and physically, and last night... not only scaring us like that (we were just ready to call the police!), but you could have been seriously hurt, Erin. Someone cold have taken complete advantage of you out on your own like that, you could have been drugged, abused, stolen away, or so, so much worse. You have got to stop acting out in these ways, Erin! Look, we're not angry with you for what you did, but you scared us to death, and these things you do hurt so much, baby-- we're not mad, just disappointed, Erin..."

This set off a small explosion in the apartment, as Erin shouted, "I know!" She hid her face from her parents, leaning her forehead against Yukito's shoulder. He looked down at her with a silent question on his lips. "I know! I'm a horrible daughter to you and I'm just a huge disappointment to you, I know!!" She whirled her face back at them, tears streaking down her cheeks. "All I've done to you is disappoint you, I know! Quitting piano, dropping dance, failing school, driving you crazy, you getting stuck with a stupid kid like me, I know it sucks! I am the stupid one! I am the reason you have to take grief from all your friends about me! You think I don't know why you never had other kids? I know you didn't want anyone besides me! 'You're more than enough for us,' right? You told me that whenever I asked you why I didn't get brothers or sisters like my friends! You didn't want to deal with another one like me, because I'm too much already!" Erin, broken open by the situation enough to reveal the things that had been preying on her so long, once again clung to Yukito, her head buried into him. Silently, he reached one arm around her, pulling her closer.

"Erin..." he breathed, scarely able to hear himself. He felt helpless in this situation, caught in a strained and impossible moment in the lives of the Spensers, in a conversation where he didn't belong. Maybe I shouldn't have come....

"Erin... you don't really think that, do you? You aren't a disappointment as a daughter, Erin." her mother tried to reassure her.

"Don't lie to me," came the muffled reply.

"I'm sorry we've made you think that, Erin," Mrs. Spenser responded with a air of someone wounded by words, "You have never been the reason we've never had another child. We begged for you, Erin. When I told you that you were more than enough, it's because we were so happy to finally have you.... Erin, we weren't supposed to have any children, and we had two miscarriages before you. And one more when you were too young to remember..." Yukito looked up at Erin's mom incredulously, but the woman had already fled the room. Instead, with as calm and collected an expression as he usually had, Mr. Spenser continued for his wife.

"I'm sorry we've made you feel this way, Erin. I shouldn't have needed you to tell me so." What, because your radar overlooked how hurt Erin felt by all this?! What the freak, man? "It doesn't seem we've done a decent job of showing it, but we have always felt ourselves lucky to have you. I know you resent how closely we watch you, and we can be overbearing, and don't think I don't realize you think we suffocate you. But it's because you are the one we were given to care for and to watch over... I hate to think we might be loosing you."

Erin didn't show any signs of letting go of his shirt, where tears had soaked through the fabric. His arms had wound around her shoulders, him not knowing how else to respond to something like this. "What do I do?" Erin whispered to him.

I don't know. My dad and I never talked, much less analyzed each other. My mom doesn't deal with things like this...I just yell at her and walk away...I don't know what I would do if I were you right now, Erin.

"I dunno..." he mumbled to her, pulling her to him a little tighter, "But I do know they love you, Erin. Anyone will tell you that - they care about you." And I guess that means you guys will work it out somehow. I just don't know if I'm in the way of that right now. I kind of wish someone had been there to yell at me when I got home...to tell me they were sorry that they didn't show me that they loved me enough. He stopped his train of thought there - he didn't want to be jealous of his girlfriend, after all. "Do you want me to stay?" he whispered, "I will. And we can work this out."

He looked up to meet Mr. Spenser's eyes, and stood a little straighter, held Erin a little tighter, and said, "Whether you like it or not, Erin and I are together, Mr. Spenser. And whether you believe it or not, we didn't do anything last night but try and sleep off yesterday's mistakes." And whether you like it or not, I'm not going to leave until Erin makes me leave.

[GGJ5]

Erin Spenser

The bit of comfort she felt when Yukito wrapped his arms around her, letting her keep his shirt twisted around her fingers where she'd cried into it. It meant more than anything he could say that he let her do that, but he still tried to say something to make her better. "I dunno..." Yukito mumbled to her, holding her closer. She felt safe there. It'd be okay if he just kept holding her. "But I do know they love you, Erin. Anyone will tell you that - they care about you." They sure have a funny way of showing it, she thought back, though she knew that really he was right. If they didn't care, they wouldn't be saying anything... "Do you want me to stay?" he whispered. Erin nodded, not lifting her head from his shoulder. "I will. And we can work this out."

I don't know, Yukito.... how? Erin lifted her face to examine his, blinking furiously at the blur the water in her eyes caused. Yukito just tightened his hold around her and addressed her dad. "Whether you like it or not, Erin and I are together, Mr. Spenser. And whether you believe it or not, we didn't do anything last night but try and sleep off yesterday's mistakes."

No, don't tell him that, he'll know what you mean... Erin pleaded with her eyes. But he'd already spoken, so...

"I don't want to not like it, but neither of you are making that easy," she heard her dad reply, and turned her head enough to see his way. She could hear the frustration in his voice now. "We had no idea what had happened to her, Yukito. Can you understand why we were so worried? Why it is so grating how both of you are trying to brush it off as if it was nothing? What do you mean when you say yesterday's mistakes? I have the right to know what happened to my child." Erin knew he was more than upset with her, but she'd heard him actually angry with her so few times... it just made her feel worse. She should say something. Otherwise Yukito would keep looking worse and worse and he wasn't, he just wasn't!!

"What were yesterday's mistakes, Erin? Yukito? Or don't you think I have a right to know? Whatever the case, Erin, you know better than to spend the night at a boy's house! You know better, and you know better than to try to lie."

Forget it. Even after her telling them flat out how much it sucked to keep screwing up and how much it hurt that she knew she burdened them, he was still going at it. Making her feel ready to crawl under the couch and stay there for a week. Or go back to Yukito's and just stay. She groaned, closing her eyes back on Yukito's ever-comforting shoulder. "Yukito..."